Turns Out...I CAN Lean On Him...

As much as I am really way too hard on myself, I also give myself more credit that I deserve.


In the past, I haven't gone to Will when I am feeling anxious.  I haven't rested on him or allowed him to carry me when I cannot walk another step.  But lately, I have really been trying to...and you know what?  He is an awesome support.  He loves me and he really has been such a strong source of support for me.  I am so thankful to have him.
 
Yesterday I was having some serious anxiety about the day and the days to come and I just really let myself fall into him.  He just sorta took me by the hand, helped me see the truth and the reality before me and it spoke very loudly to me.  He really truely is so much more capable than I've ever given him credit for.  I am so thankful that even though I have been pushing him away and closing myself off to him for such a long time, that he will still recieve me back with such loving open arms.  He is my best friend.  There is no one in the world that could have walked beside me the way he did yesterday.  I am just beyond thankful that I have such an awesome, amazing, not to mention super hot husband.
 
**and um, it takes a pretty awesome husband to dress up like Derek and Meredith for Halloween.  see above photo :)
 

Because I Finally Let Go...

It has been a long, long road.  It has been a hard, hard road.  Most times, it has been a very lonely road.  But for the time being, it is not uphill, it is not lonely. 

Truthfully, it's humiliating to even talk about...but I know I am not alone in this, so I share, because others have shared with me.  The raw vulnerability is part of who I am.  And honestly, it takes too much energy to pretend...

I have been pressed from what felt like every side for a long time.  I didn't even realize how pressed I was until the pressure let up a little.  I was reaching out, begging, especially from Will, for help, but I don't think he understand the gravity of my situation either.  And who could expect him to, if the one who felt all the pressure, all the pain, didn't understand it either.

My sadness, my loneliness, it ran deep.  I felt like I didn't deserve to continue.  I am horrible wife, an angry mother, and a worthless fat slob.  Here I was a struggling newlywed (who had clearly seemed to skip out on the whole "honeymoon phase" because within 2 days of being married we were already threatening each other and second guessing our choices) who got pregnant 3 months after we got married, gained all kinds of weight, and then had to deal with the baby, while battling these out-of-control emotions, and while my husband was in 50 hours of school a week.  Then, with 20 lbs of baby weight still on me, I did it all again.  Here came the most difficult, impossible baby I had ever been around, a cross-country move and loneliness like I had never ever felt.  I always feel like a failure in everything I do. 

I hear this voice.  You're ruining your children.  You yelled at them again?  You don't deserve them. Look at this man you married, boy was that the wrong choice.  Can you believe he just did that?  What a jerk!  He doesn't care about you.  You are never going to lose this weight, and if you do, you'll just gain it back.  You're life is a mess...because YOU are not working hard enough.  Your dad is sick and you are so far away...why did you move here?  This was your idea.  Look at all the money you are spending on things...does it help?  Keep spending on worthless crap to find out. 
It is ALL your fault...and you deserve it.

I know this may sound completely insane, but these were just "truths" that I knew to be true.  These were just things that WERE my reality. 

And then...a light, the teeniest speck of light, shown down on my life. 

THEY. ARE. ALL. LIES.

From an enemy that seeks to destroy me. 

An enemy that will never stop trying to destroy me. 

An enemy who I do not HAVE to listen to.  

I could breathe.  This truth set a little part of my heart free. 
(I was also helped by a host of natural supplements to help with this awful depression and I have to say, I am not sure I could have received this light without them.)

I had lost myself.  I let go of the truth.  I put my hand in the face of a God who wanted me to listen, all while clinging to Him, begging for Him to speak to me.

I have a LONG way to go.  I struggle daily with my body image/weight issues.  I feel overwhelmed by this weight that needs to come off.  I want someone to shed some light on how to fix this for me.  I'm still fighting to not freak out on my kids when they act like, yah know, kids.  My husband can still annoy the crap out of me...

But...I know that God LOVES me, that He has promised to bring me home.  He has promised to lead me and hold me and restore me.  I have connected with my husband for the first time in our entire relationship and I finally KNOW that, even on our crappiest days, he is the RIGHT choice.  He is wonderful and smart and caring.  I have been taking moments with my children, laughing with them, enjoying them...for the first time in years. 

The whispers, they are still there.  But I am getting the full meaning of "taking every thought captive" and am trying to hard to hold that thought, before I let it pierce and potentially destroy my heart, and sift the truth from the lies.  The lies, are no longer welcome. 

The enemy, told me I had the power to save my life.  I was responsible for the mess that was my life.  It was me.  All me.  And I have been struggling for so long to save my own life...because after all, if I didn't who would???

Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it...  and, let me tell you, in every possible way, I was moments away from losing my life.

But whoever loses his life....will save it.

Here I was, barely treading water.  Drowning, desperate to save myself, my family, everything...

But the moment I let it go...He saved me.  He covered my ears.  He told me the truth. 

He saved me...because I finally let go...

Prepare Yourself...and Don't Look Back.

(Random pictures are just inserted so that I can prove I have these oh so big and beautiful kids!!!)

In the silence, my head spins...and spins and spins and spins.  Actually, its spinning even in the noise.

I don't really know how to put my right now into words.  A lot is going on with in (as usual) and I feel like more days than not, I don't know who I am anymore.  I keep blaming it on some type of post pardum imbalance mixed with stress, loneliness, and being in a different state than everything I've known for my entire life...plus having 2 little kids and very little to do...its a lot.  Little by little I try to sort through everything, figure out what I am missing...but the sorting continues and the piles just keep getting bigger and bigger.

Will and I, we try to "partner up" in parenting and marriage and household running, but we constantly seen to be missing each other...or taking out the stresses of life on one another.  Bickering about the stupidest crap.  I think I speak for both of us that instead of meeting in the middle to lean on one another, we are like butting heads and beating the crap (not literally haha) out of the other because it is just SUCH a stress reliever...I miss him when he is gone and I know he misses me...but the second we see eachother we just start picking on each other.  It is not a good strategy by any means!! haha.  WE have been trying to come together each night and at least have a few minutes of conversation, but its hard.  By 8 pm when he gets home, Im tired and want to go to bed...and then when he doesn't work, sometimes we just get so caught up with the kids that he and I just fade to the background...sounds like a great plan huh? ha.  We're working on it.  Its hard for me to really turn my heart inside out to him in a lot of ways...I feel like its terribly hard for him to understand struggling with depression and anxiety and the intense case of "perfection-itis" that I have.  He lets things roll off of him and holds him self at a very reasonable standard...where as I, who is clearly a little batty, have this outrageous unrealistic standards for myself and others, and its a HUGE reason why I feel to low a lot of the time.  Knowing that I can't just lower my expectations is just a whole other guilty street that I drive down daily...I hate guilt land...it sucks here.

My kids...oh my kids.  They, well, they are cute. haha.  I see so much in the world that I want to give them and teach them and then again, driving down guilty street, well, I fall so short everyday.  Recently the yelling and voice raising has apparently become my new hobby.  Its ugly.  I hate it.  And I really hate when either they look scared or scream back at me.  I was so much more calm with Solomon.  Low calm tones...now Im like a freaking hyena!!!!

The leaves are changing here.  I have a full blown panic attack here because I HATE WINTER.  At least I think I do.  Last winter was so horribly traumatic for me that I fear I wont live through another one.  But with the season change comes MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!  I actually leave in a few days to fly back to California alone and get here.  We are driving back, with my mom...and then we are moving to a bigger house. woohoo/omg I can't believe we are moving AGAIN!!!  The next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind...Im a little scared but I am soooo thankful that April is going to live here, with us...AND that we get more space in out house.

Im trying to figure out what happened to me.  I know A LOT has changed in the last 2 years.  My world has sorta been rocked.  And I know that I have been so resistant to change, because, well, it hurts sometimes.  Accepting what is is NOT fun.  And I am struggling.  Deeply.  Since I stopped nursing, I have put on some of the weight that I worked my butt off to lose and I am so angry about that.  I am not who I want to be, and I am angry about that.  I have lost sight of the person I want to be...and I think that is where the problem may lie.  Why did I lose sight?  My focus was so steady at some point...until its not.  Why does this happen?  I keep wanting to "go back to a place" where I had it...but that is WRONG.  And honestly, I am just figuring this out as I type it.  I cannot go back.  I cannot go back to living in Uganda and finding that spiritual fulfillment.  I cannot go back to having tea every night with Sophie, Adam and Moses.  I cannot go back to a time where I live in California surrounded in all my familiarness.  I cannot go back to having the body of a woman who didn't have two children (dammit!!!).  I have GOT to move forward...I HAVE TO. 

On my dads birthday (the 16th), everything really just ruptured.  It hurt so deeply that I couldn't breathe.  The news we got was just earth shattering and Im having difficulty "staying positive" as they say.  I couldn't sleep and I was up, just powering through the panic so I got on blogger and I tried...hard...to blog, but couldn't.  So I read Angie's Blog

Live Simply or Simply Live (links have been disabled, sorry)

Saturday night we went to church and we were just so glad that we went. We are doing a Sermon On The Mount (The End Of Religion) study that has been extremely heart piercing and life changing. Saturday's study was titled "Hands Free" (which was very appropriate in many ways. Here in California, since July 1st, it is now illegal to use your cell phone while driving without a hands free devise, which is pretty much the most ridiculous law I have ever heard of BUT that is another blog entirely).

He talked about about money, living simply, taking care of those around us, not being so stressed out about tomorrow and living in today, knowing that the God of all is taking care of us. Of course I cannot do it justice, even in the least. So go and listen to it here.

It got Will and I thinking about a lot. We have so much. Now, the world might see us as living off of school loans, just being able to pay our bills most months, living in my mom's guest house, BUT WOW, we have SO much! Todd (one of the pastors at Rock Harbor) read an email about a really young couple who decided that they wanted to live on only 50-60% of their income, and find ways to give the rest away. It was really a challenging thing to think about, much less to even consider. How many of us could do that? Well, all of us really. It requires an immeasurable sacrifice, or so it seems from a normal middle class American. We are in the upper 5% of the richest people in the world. How's that for sobering...I really implore you to take 40 minutes and listen to this service. (and if you are one of those over-achievers, start fromt he beginning)

My life was completely changed after my first visit to Uganda in 1999. Flying over the continent of Africa in itself was just about the MOST sobering thing that I thought could ever happen to me...until the plane landed. I road in the back of a cattle lorrie for two and half hours atop my luggage and saw things I never imagined were real. I saw little children running, jumping, yelling "hello muzungu" (foreigner) just because they saw me. I remember seeing a little boy about 7 with his little baby brother/sister strapped to his back, no adult in sight for miles, carrying a heavy jerrycan full of water up a pretty steep incline on Bombo Road. I was 17 years old and I was really scared and lonely and I cried my self to sleep for about 6 nights. But then... I fell in love. I got out of myself, I got out of my brainwashed American mind, and I fell in love. I fell in love with simplicity, with joy in spite of pain, with tender souls who had been through/seen things that you and I can only imagine. Yet, despite it all, they had a joy, a light shining from within that I had never in my life seen before...and I wanted more...

I returned to Uganda in 2001 where I stayed from March until September. I assisted a nurse in the on site clinic at the orphanage that I worked with. I taught math for a primary 4 class at the school on site. It was a tremendous experience. I made life long friends. I felt God closer than I have ever felt Him before. I experienced things that, in a lifetime, I cannot adequately express to anyone. I truly thought I would go there and just really, you know, "help" people...ha...what do I have to give? I was given more that I have ever even understood...and I will never ever forget my time there. My life was simple. No electricity, no running water, no entertaining outside of little ones, and friends I had made there. We'd play cards, have tea and talk, go for a walk or a bike ride, and that was about it in ways of entertaining ourselves. Simplicity... It allowed for genuine relationships, with friends, with children, with God. Simplicity... I came home, not wearing make up, not buying all kinds of unnecessary things, just, being simple... and then I slowly forgot all about it...

I went back a third time, where I also got to visit the war torn and slowly recovering Rwanda. I got to visit Sudanese refugee camps, and again, I was back in my Uganda. My heart skipped several beats as the plane landed. I stepped out on the stair case pushed up to the plane, I tipped my face toward the sun, tears streaming down my cheeks and I breathed in a breath of that Ugandan air that I had ached for for over a year... "Oh Uganda", I swore to myself, "I will never forget your simple beauty, this time, I will truly take you home with me, forever..."

(please stay with me...there is a point)

Today, I cleaned out (for about the forth time this year) Solomon's toys. I weeded through all the madness. Will and I always promised (before we had ever had children...I was pregnant) that Solomon would have one medium sized basket of toys...and if it didn't fit inside the basket, we didn't need it...well that didn't happen. I filled up another huge garbage bag of things that he has acquired over the last month or two since I last did this...just of things that he doesn't need. Oh gosh... I cried. I just got so sad. We have so much, too much, Solomon probably has 30 shirts...WHY? Why do I have that many shirts? Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?

I forgot you, Uganda...I forgot you, simplicity. I forgot all about you. In wanting to give my husband and my son "the life" I forgot all about the true and lasting joy that IS simplicity. I lost sight of what is most important...

I have a friend, Sennyonjo, and his wife and three little sons, who work to care for orphans. Sennyonjo, an orphan himself, watched his family be killed by rebels in the genocide of the 90's. He has three kids who probably have very few toys. I have a friend April who is Canadian. Her and her husband live in Uganda ministering to broken people. They have three little ones, who do not have a lot. I know many people like this. Happy children, happy people, living with very little. I talked to April today via email and she said they would be SO happy to receive some DVD's for her and her husband, and the kids, and toys or whatever fun treats we wanted to send their way. I am going to do a good bit of this...hoping that I can cut our family's belongings in half, while giving to people around us who need it.

The city of Lira is in Uganda...kind of northern/central-ish. A new city official was elected not too long ago. He had this great vision for this desolate, abandoned, broken, war torn village...so, yes, he had this huge vision for this place. In three years...he wanted every person to...are you ready...?

To own 2 shirts...

How do I go about my day, living in this sad, over consuming world? In my heart, I would sell everything I have, cars, clothes, everything...to take my family and go back to Uganda... Unfortunately, that isn't where God has us, as a family, now. My ministry is my husband, my son, the people around me, here, now.

I am working hard at being content here. But because of this entire study I am learning how to live out what is in my heart, even if buried deep down, here, now, with what I have been given.

Our new goals, as a family, is to really get ride of many many many things. We want to start giving ourselves away more. We want to do more for the people in our lives who need things more than we do. It's a start...and tiny tiny tiny start...but it is a start...to living simply.

I Have So Much To Say

but I can only say this.

Shiloh has weaned.  I am sad.  I am, like with Solomon, not ready.  Just another bruise on my pretty battered heart...
 :(

Pleading For Daisy Love

Britt Merrick is a pastor in Southern California.  Many of his amazing God inspired words of encouragement were given to me at a time in my life where I needed it.  He and his wife Kate are going through something that I truly cannot imagine right now and you can read their story at PRAY FOR DAISY LOVE

I cannot understand the loss of a child.  I cannot understand how you can even get out of bed.  I know there are so many people who experience this kind of loss and my heart breaks at the thought alone.  I also cannot imagine what it is like to experience the kind of news, watch your child go through the kind of pain that Daisy is going through, knowing that as a parent, you can no longer protect her from anything.  It has to be the most awful kind of hurt...and I cannot imagine enduring it.  I am asking, begging, for prayers for sweet Daisy, her big brother and her parents, Britt and Kate.  May God be everything they need right now as they cling to Him in the desperate time. 

As people of this earth, I think we sometimes get choked by the things around us.  I can speak personally that my self pity and self absorption can at times almost overtake me.  Knowing that people all around us, all around the world are suffering on a level that I have never had to come close to knowing (and God forbid never will have to) is sobering, convicting and just is such an example to where we as humans can be in the midst of our deepest sorrows.

May all involved in this trying time cling to Him alone...

My Heart Is On You

I was laying in bed with Solomon and slipped my arm under him and wrapped the other arm around the top of him.  He squirmed out of my arms and said "Mommy, I just don't want to be touched when Im sleeping."

I sighed and said, "ok." 

"Whats wrong mommy?"

"Oh nothings wrong."  I got a little teary eyed.  "Its just hard for a mommy sometimes when their babies get bigger and its a little sad to know that some day, they wont need thier mommies as much any more."

"But mommy.  I will still love you.  My heart will always be on you."


My heart is more than full.

Uprooted and Four

Who ever said "Home is where the heart is" is a big fat liar.

18 months ago, Will, Solomon and an in utero version of Shiloh and I moved from sunny Southern California to Western Pennsylvania.  I was excited.  We were all excited (mixed with EXTREME sadness) for what we thought would be a new and exciting adventure...

It didn't quite turn out that way. 

What makes it hard is going back to California for visits, and seeing what we are missing...and then coming home to a void that cannot be filled by dear sweet Pennsylvania.  There are so many things that we love here.  The season changes (apart from that awful one that brings all that white crap that forces you to stay in the house for like 5 months straight...ugh winter!) the beautiful greenery, the way the air smells, thunder storms, and just nature in general...But when we got home to California, its just different.  Everyone is swarming around to see us.  There isn't enough time to even fit everyone in, which is just so flattering and amazing, that I nearly burst just thinking about it.  There is so much love there...and nothing can compare to that.  My kids were in heaven.  Disneyland, the beach (did I mention heaven??), family, friends, sunshine and love...doesn't get much better than that.  I just walked around Disneyland remembering going every week, pushing Solomon in his stroller.  I watched my kids just LOVE their time there and I imagined it being a time where I could live that life again.  The beach became a magical place that I can't ever remember it feeling like.  Both of the kids seriously just wallowed in the water, cracking up when the waves were crashing on them.  They literally rolled around in the sand for hours...oh how I miss it. 

It was so great to just hang out with old friends who have been apart of you for more than half of your life (woah...am I old or what???).  You don't have to be anyone or entertain...you just sit, and be.  That is a good feeling.

And family...oh family.  You are weird and coockoo, and often annoying and embarrassing ..and there are times where I probably almost hate some of you ;) but being near you was so completing...Will and I feel like we still belong there in so many ways.  Its painful to feel so out of place for so long...and its breaking my heart that my kids are missing out on so much...they deserve to have nearby what they have in California.

I am really working hard and digging deep...trying to "bloom where I am planted" but until now, I don't think I actually realized just how deeply rooted I was.  I feel like someone ripped me out of the ground, and my foundation, my roots, are still on the other side of the country.  I don't know how to right that.  I don't know if it is intentional.  All I know is that I am sad.  We are sad.  Its nothing that any one thing, or any everything could change...its just that there is a California shaped hole in our hearts and I'm pretty certain that it cannot be patched up.  My heart hurts...and Im genuinely looking for any words of support/advise that you are willing to offer...

In other much more spectacular news...Solomon is FOUR years old today...The most beautiful four year old I know.  I love him with my entire heart!!!!

Birth Day

One Wonderful Year

Two Wild Years

Three Incredible Years

Four Unbelievable Years.

Peek.

So Amie is a dear friend of mine and I have to say, I am SO lucky to have such great photographer friends...she did a shoot for us and I am SO pleased with them!!!  Wow...here are a few...and these aren't even all of my top pics...waiting to get my hands on the rest :)  Love you Amie!!!!

Grace

I don't know that I have ever let such a blog lull happen, but woah did it ever happen.

The sleeplessness that I have been experiencing has truely altered me in ways I never thought possible.  I am not me any more.  I don't feel like me.  I have a hard time remember me.  its a frightening place to be.  I have these thoughts about my family that make me feel so guilty.  I long for sleep all day long but as the evening rolls around I start having anxiety because I know that night time has not meant sleep time for me in months.  The lack of sleep is taking a toll on my marriage, my mothering, my friendships and clearly, my heart and soul in general.

Will and I have been bickering constantly lately.  We both hate it.  I would say that my miserable hopeless attitude contributes a lot to the bickering...but there are just those things, you know, be honest, that you have been fighting about since that very frist day of wedded bliss. (ok maybe there are some freaks out there who don't know what I'm talking about, but whatever, you have issues! ;))  Its like all the things that Will and I both complain about in the other are just this ugly cycle of crap and follows us around in cirlces.  Its hideous.  I didn't realize how much we were doing this ugly dance in front of our kids until, when my sister was out, she said "You guys give me anxiety and make my stomach hurt...quit it!"  I cried.  My poor kids.  This isn't the life I want for myself.  it certianly isn't the life that I want for my hard working husband and it certianly isn't the life that I want for my sweet babies.  Our issues are fairly simple.  So we are going to hire someone to letus fight in front of them :)  haha.  And help us work on the things that we seem to be constantly butting heads over.  At the end of the day, I would never want to spend a day without Will...but that doesn't mean we are headed down a road that might drive the other away.  So we are working on it.  And I am excited.  I had a friend sorta kindly "rip me a new one" the other day...and try to snap me out of my funkfest.  It helped me at least try and understand (yet again) that I only have the power to change me.  Yes I can bitch and moan until the cows come home that the stinking peanut butter is smeared all of the counter every morning, or that the freaking toilet seat is peed on, or that the garbage is overflowing and I have to take it out again, but I am a woman who has a husband who has worked very hard to get where he is.  He is working hard to allow me to stay home with this monsters err uh lovely children, and I am thankful...so I need to put a sock in it when it doesn't matter so that when it does matter, I am taken seriously.  Can anyone relate???  Or you all just have perfect marriages where you spoon and make out all day??

My children, oh my children.  Dear Shiloh is still the thorn in my side and the apple of my eye all at once.  Her keeping me up all night long for 7 months and when she's awake, following me around crying when I'm not holding her has taken a toll on my ability to bond with her.  I would give my right arm, and maybe some stomach rolls, thigh blubber and a double chin, for that little sweet ball of love, but it is hard to feel happy about seeing her 24/7 when, because we are up all the time, I never get a break from her.  There is a lot that I resent about my situation.  It upsets Solomon that I either have to be attached to Shiloh or we have to listen to her scream.  It takes any one on one time away from him, which is terribly unfair, and makes me even more annoyed with Shiloh.  Plus, my patience is so thin that I also snap and explode all over Solomon when his actions rarely deserve that...ok maybe when he flushed his underwear down the toilet he deserved it, but like I said, rarely.  I LONG to be that great mother who makes bread and homeschools and works all day to educate and love and grow beautiful giving compassionate little hippy children...I feel so far from that.  But, I have been trying to give myself a little grace, because these sleeping circumstances cannot last forever (and if you ahve a 10 year old who doesn't sleep, keep your mouth shut!  I cannot hear that right now!!!) and until I can resume some sort of normalcy, I am trying my best and that has got to be enough right now.

Solomon is still going through that vile, gross stage.  I seriously cannot even type out some of the sickening things he has done.  I try to just ignore them but some times I am so grossed out that I freak out on him and tell him that if he eats one more booger, his stomach is goign to explode or if he asks to smell my butt again, his nose is going to catch fire!!!  I don't know what else to do, other than hope that someday, my son will find a wife who can look past his grossness haha.

Shiloh is walking and babbling and signing away.  I am proud of her.  She is still SO tiny.  If she were 20 lbs I would be amazed.  She loves to put random things inside of other larger random things, stack and do other very tedious things.  She is so the opposite of Solomon and its amazing to me every day that I am raising such different children.  Shiloh lives for being in my lap and alwaays comes over for cuddles and that is something that Solomon never ever did.  She is a bubbly little thing when she gets her way and when she doesn't, well world, look out!  I love her.  I am working hard on getting rid of my resentment toward the situation...grace.  Im holding onto grace.

Having my sister out here for 2 weeks was awesome.  She is a gem.  I am lost without her.  I miss having family here.  My parents were texting me saying they were near tears that they couldn't be here.  I'm just so glad that my sister was here to help and celebrate with us.  We actually get to go to California for Solomons birthday so he will get to be with all the people he loves and misses for his birthday, which he deserves.  WE miss my family SO much and cherish our visits with them.

Ok, time for some good news!!! 

My sister decided that we needed to exhaust every avenue to try and get SHiloh to sleep.  Since I had done everything I knew, she decided to MAKE me move Shilohs crib into Solomons room and move him into our room.  WE have thought about this forever but just never did, because I am up with her so much that walking to another room seemed like more than I could take.  But...so far, every night has been better and better.  Last night, being the best night, she went to bed at 7.  Woke up at 2 and had pooped, and then slepted until 6:20.  I am getting excited...trying not to get my hopes up but its been a week and so far every night has been an improvement...so...heres to sleep! 

Othere good news, Will was on the news AGAIN!  This segment has really got SOOO many patients...its amazing.  Watch it!!  He is so cute!



blog more, but if not...the theme...grace...I am learning to give myself grace.

Love And War

So I am really looking foward to starting up Bible Study in Septemeber with my bible study girls.

We are doing the book Love and War by John and Stasi Eldridge.  I picked this book up at the local bookstore and 2 pages in, I was blubbering right in the middle of the book aisle.  It is about marriage...and I highly recommend it...go buy it.  And let me know what you think of it.

Busy Beezzzzzzzzz

My mom is here for 10 days so we are keeping busy with her...

Yesterday for Easter, my mom forced me to allow Shiloh to wear one of those horrible Easter dresses that you likely wore...you know, 20+ years ago...omg!  The poor child looked like a garden puked on her!!! haha  Here are a few little photos of her.

More photos to come.

Walkin' All Over Me

As usual, Shiloh own me...she is still having sleep issues.  Every two weeks or so she will give mea night where she only wakes up twice.  But usually it is 4 times or more.  So yeah...not only does she walk all over me...

BUT....

She is walking all over the house :D!!!!  So proud of her.  Its not technically all over the house, but she is taking 4-6 steps at a time and because she is so stinking tiny its super cute.  She also can climb all the way up stairs in about 15 seconds...pretty impressive!

She's a CD addict...like me.

This definately sums up thier relationship haha

On another note, Solomon has been super sensitive lately.  He used to be the bravest kid ever...like, would get seriously hurt and wouldn't flinch and he just never cried abotu anything.  Now, the slightest bumps and he is like falling apart and needs super long cuddles.  Poor thing.  He is really been longing for more and more attention...Also, his elbow pooped out of the socket AGAIN!!!  Thats three times now.  I popped it back in though so thats good, no trips to the ER.

I have been getting ride of abuot 50% of our belonings.  Its been SO time consuming and SUCH a process but omg, I am feeling SOOOO great.  As of tomorrow afternoon, this house will be spankin' spotless!!!  :)

Welcome Spring

If you remember THIS post  here is the 2010 version of Spring birds nests...2 years later.  My how things have changed.

I Love Them!

Uh, What Is This?

Solomon is in the most vile boy stage ever. Everything is "poop" and "butthole" related.  He eats boogers and is constantly sloshing spit around in his mouth!!!  He says he penis makes noise and burps?!?!?!  GROSS!!!  Today, I found a cup in the toilet.  WHo knows how on earth he snuck it up there or how much pee he drank!!! 

Well, I walked into my room and on my dark purple bedspread there is this fresh puddle of spit.

"Solomon...come here please."

"Yeah Mommy?"

"Uh, what is this?"

"Will you be mad Mommy?"

"Solomon I will be happy if you tell me the truth."

"Weeeellllllll...Shiloh climbed up on the bed, pooped there, and then climed down."

Shiloh, who cannot climb on anything, does not know how to remove her clothing, poop on my bed, dress herself and then climb down.

"Solomon, what really happened?"

"I spit on your bed."

NOOOOO REALLY????????????????

In Case You Are Wondering Where I've Been...

I've gone crazy...and here is Shiloh doing a perfect impression of me...freaking out, while trying to take care of my children.



In case you think I'm kidding...I'm not.  Sanity may or may not be heading back my way...but I'm not sure.

Why Do I Love You Like This?

Dada and Bruh-Bruh

Shiloh has kind of abandoned calling me mama and takes every opportunity to talk to dada now. 

Thanks little one!

She is calling Solomon bruh-bruh which is one of the most secial things ever...

Zerona Lipo Laser and MY HUSBAND ON THE NEWS!!! :)

WATCH THIS!!!!!!!

Wildly Longing...

I can close my eyes at almost anytime...and I am there.

I take a deep breath. I smell it. I walk carefully on wet, slippery, red earth. Banana trees everywhere I look. I hear the noise of kids running, playing, laughing. I see those beautiful white teeth shining out from beautiful dark faces, some full of hope, some full of fear and anger. I hear night noises, loud symphonies carrying on despite the darkness. Rain pours down on my tin roof. Laughing until it hurt with Adam, Moses and Sophie every day. Adventure in every moment.

My life of simplicity. Void of the greatest "necessities" electricity, running water, a toilet inside the house. I miss the silly things like filling up a plastic basin to bathe in and not even dreaming of blow drying my hair or putting make up on. Lighting matches, candles lanterns to see. No distractions to take up my time. Learning how to love in an unimaginable way.

Oh, the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.

That is something I no longer feel. Its a place that I long for. Not even so much physically but spiritually. It is a place that I have never found here. I look for it. But I get so angry that I cannot quench this longing...to be back there, back in that fullness, that love, that confidence. Why doesn't God let this fire die out? It seems so unfair. I struggle with so much anger towards Him. I cannot go back...so why are these flames still raging??

I long to go back there. I cannot explain the way I have felt each time I stepped off that plane in Entebbe, Uganda. My heart screamed, "I am home!!" Its the only thing in my life I have ever done where I undeniably knew GOD TOLD ME TO GO HERE. The idea, so much NOT mine, that it was ONLY His.

I remember returning to the States feeling like such an outsider. It was an impossible feeling to deal with. I truly felt like God left me...and if I am being honest, there is such a short period of time where I have felt connected with Him since then, that its hard not to say I haven’t felt Him or heard Him at all in these past years.

There is goodness, greatness in my life now. I have a husband who I know God hand picked and delivered for/to me. I have the most lovely children, that I have dreamed of my whole life...but I am lost. I search for Him, wanting to find Him in the way I found Him there. I cannot. The guilt I have over our seemingly failed relationship must only fall on me...but this dessert is dry and it is wearing me down.

And the emptiness remains. I cannot bring myself to believe that it is there for a reason. I simply try and daily find the God I feel abandoned me on an airplane many years ago.

Oh, how I miss the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.

Twenty Eight

Saturday morning.  Shiloh wakes from her nap.  I walk up the stairs to get her.  Will and Solomon are both napping in Solomons room.  I get Shiloh and down the stairs we go.  I see my neighbors car running and her car lights on.  "Oh she must me leaving...boy her drive way is full is snow!  Poor thing."  I start to take Shiloh into the kitchen because I am going to feed her some lunch, but then I remember that I didn't change her diaper.  I walk back into the living room and start to set up the changing pad. 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!

"I wonder why Lisa is knocking to borrow our snow shovel" I think.

I plop Shiloh back on my hip and open the door.

A man is standing there with a pot of tupils right in front of his face.

"huh?"

All of a sudden, someone pops out from behind my car and SCREAMS "surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

OH. MY. GOSH!

It is my sister, April.  The man behind the tupils is my dad!!!  And his girlfrined Cherl is behind my sister.

I bawl my eyes out, scream, freak out in every possible way!!!!

Best birthday present ever.  Happy Birthday to me...

She Speaks

Shiloh, standing in from of my dads photo saying "papa"



Shiloh says:
All Done
Hi
Mama
Papa

Still no dada yet...but Will is working on it :)

Sleepless (and slightly crazy) In Snowmageddon

The last two weeks have been two of the most trying weeks of my (and Im sure I can add Will into this too) life.  I have blogged and blogged about Shilohs sleeping issues.  At five months, all hell broke loose and things have been getting worse and worse for the last four months.  She goes to sleep easily, but staying asleep, a whole other story.  Some nights I can nurse her right back to sleep, other nights, I am up for 3 hours.  I dare you to give me advise that I haven't tried.  Earlier bed time, later bed time, take a nap away, bed time routine, bath, lavendar massage, let her cry for 1 min- go in and comfort and then double the time each time you leave, let her cry it out for up to an hour (I even did up to 90 minutes one night, while hysterically crying outsdie the door bc I hate the cry it out method. she never ever calmed down, not even a little)  hold her, rock her, walk/jostle/sing routine, seriously...EVERYTHING.  Its really hard.  And you know what?  I never imagined that such prolonged sleeplessness would start to alter your state of mind, but oh how it has.  Her not sleeping also stirs up this anger in me.  Do you know it?  The sleeplessnes in combination with the anger just gives me these horrible thoughts, resenting my own child, which then adds terrible guilt to the equation.  How can a mother who loves her baby so much resent her own child at times??? 

She has had a cold.  Which, mothers know, means sleep issues x100!!!  After 2 nights of her sleeping an accumulated total of maybe two hours, I had completely lost my mind.  I cried for an entire day.  I was trying to hard to reconnect with her during the day, but the night had been so horrible that I seriously had to prepare myself to even hold her because I was so upset about it.  I sort of just shut down.  Thank God Will was home!!!  That day, she ended up with a fever and her cold, which was improving, got worse.  Runny nose, hacking cough, just total misery.  She took one nap that day, which is unusual.  Then bedtime...oh bedtime.  I was up the entire night again.  I kid you not, if I so much as bent my knees, not to mention stopped walking/jostling her, she screamed.  I did that for four hours straight.  My body ached from holding her to the point that I thought I might hurl...I finally had to wake Will up at 5am.  I went to bed for 2 hours and when I woke up, Shiloh was napping.  She got up and was miserable (clearly quite sick)  I wore her in the sling and had to pace the house/jostle her all day in order to keep her from screaming.  She feel asleep for a few minues a few different times in the sling but other than that, there was no sitting, no napping at all on Monday. 

Will and I were at the end of our rope.  Something was wrong.  Our kids have never been to a sick dr visit but Shiloh had her first one on Monday evening.  I told the dr (thankfully a D.O.) that I didn't want ANY antibiotic unless she was absolutely certian it was necessary.  Ear unfections are such a popular (and mostly false) diagnosis, most of which heal on their own, that I told her to please let us ride it out if she thoguht it were possible.  Shiloh had a 102.7 fever so the body was clearly working on something but when the dr peeked into her ears she said, "Woah!  This is a bad, full blown ear infection...and lets see the otherside...yeah, wow, same thing."  My kids have never been on an antibiotic so I was realy nervous.  I have a lot of antibiotic allergies (probably caused from being on them constatntly as a child) plus all the harsh side affects...it was all just hard to take.  I got the antibiotic and more motrin and added tylenol (because it seemed like the the motrin was barely touching her pain) and headed home.  I drugged her up, which just kills me.  Solomon has taken a fever reducer maybe 3 times in his whole life, and that boy is known to have 104 fevers for no reason at all...but Shiloh is nine months old and has finished an entire bottle of motrin!!!  Oh I cringe at the thought of it!!! Her poor liver/kidneys!!!  Anyway, at 930pm, she went to sleep, laying down!!!!  In her bed!!!!  Which hadn't happened in days!  She woke up at 130 and had a nurse and more tylenol/motrin piggy backing.  Then...she slept...and she slept and she slept!!!!! At 9 am I finally had to wake her up because I was so engorged and was leaking all over the place.  The next night was similar.  Thank you God...just that she is sleeping and feeling better.  And that I got to sleep for more than 2 hours!!!  :) 

Last night was a rough one again, but I tried skipping the pain meds.  Perhaps a mistake?  At 3am, when we had been up for 2 hours, I gave her a little more motrin and she slept till 530, had a nurse and went back to sleep until 8. Perhaps she is still in a little pain. 

This whole thing has been difficult for so many reasons.  There are so few people who get how awful this is because of lack of experience.  It feels really lonely sometimes.  Plus, I was really feeling so bad that Will had to get up and go to work, that I was taking it all on myself, trying to not wake him (I was making him sleep in with Solomon so that he wouldn't have to be awake all night) unless I was considering screaming at Shiloh, or worse!!!  I came to the conclusion that we both have to work the next day and I NEED him.  So he was happy to come back in and help, as a team.  Also, I was really really hurt...you see, every night, I literally CRY out to God...begging for Him to let me sleep, let Shiloh sleep...to help us all sleep...and every morning I feel like He compltely ignored me.  It crushed me everday.  I started to get really angry with Him.  "How you could NOT care God? I'm dying here!!"  Then...I decided to start praying for something different..."Lord, help me have the strength to get through whatever the night holds...." and then, He WAS there.  He helped me through each night, as long as I tapped into His strength. 

It has been/is a process.  A long, hard, sad, upsetting, exhausting, terrible process.  But I am surviving.  And that is the most important part. 

To top it all off, the weather has had us completely trapped in the house.  We have had like 4 feet of snow over the last week and it is still coming down.  We are trapped in the driveway and Will and I have been shoveling and shoveling.  It is a mess out there!!!  Grocery stores were completely out of milk, as in THE ENTIRE STORE HAD NO MILK!!!!  What the heck!!!

Right as the storm started

Two Hours Later

The Next Morning

We are surviving, God is with us, and for that, we are So thankful.  I know this is a really really depressing post, but for me, there is so much victory ...hope that makes sense.

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

Part of Project-Amber-Trust-Yourself...
So I have all this paranoia that I am doing the wrong thing but waking with Shiloh and letting her nurse when she wants to nurse or cuddling/rocking her when she wants it.  I am SO glad that I re-came across THIS article...whew...makes me feel SO much better. 

Lately...

Its been an interesting week for me.  I have been up to some things...just little things.

Like...

I got this new purse.

I made my friend Jeana some cupcakes for her birthday bash at Chipotle.

Was given this magazine page by Candice because this pretty much sums Shiloh up...

I fed Shiloh peas

Then fed her her toes...

Watched this grump fuss all over me!

Hypnotized my kids with Barney.

Did some February prep...

Also, I got really overwhelemed (again) at the thought of homeschooling.  I tried to share it with Will and since he didn't seem to get it, we had a MASSIVE BLOWOUT tiff. ;)  I am so scared that I am doing the wrong thing as a parent.  I am so scared that I am ruining Solomon and Shiloh.  I worry so much about this.  Sometimes I do feel so alone because it is hard to find the "you're doing a great job" feeling inside of me.  I feel like if I had the right discipline techniques, Solomon would stop saying things like "stupid" and "shut up." Or if I was "tough eoung" I would let Shiloh cry herself to sleep every night until she slept alone, through the night.  I second guess everything I do and I just wish I would trust myself.  In my heart, I feel like I KNOW what my kids need, but with so many different people around, I always let thier opinions or ways of doing things cloud my view.  I'm trying really hard to just trust my heart, because I know that I have wonderful, attached children, who are so connected with us, other people, and thier own emotions and hearts, and so maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right.  I am trying with my whole heart and I just really want to have the right perspective and attitude.

Speaking of perspective, Kara Noel at Eli's Lids wrote THIS and wow...it is powerful.  Its a really short, wonderful read.  I cried (shocker right? ;))

Solomon's World

We got to go to this awesome mini neighborhood.  Solomon was in heaven.  There was a TV station, a coffee shop, a grocery store, a fire station, a hospital, a mechanic shop, a train station and a massive playset...all indoors.  Solomon has never had so much fun.  Everything was just his size and there was SO much to play with.  We had a great time, with great friends.  This place is actually right by Wills work, which is an hour drive.  It was so much fun.  We cannot wait to do it again...probably will head out there in April when my mom comes to visit.  Once again, I forgot my camera and was wearing Shiloh so the pictures are all kinda crappy.