I don't know that I have ever let such a blog lull happen, but woah did it ever happen.
The sleeplessness that I have been experiencing has truely altered me in ways I never thought possible. I am not me any more. I don't feel like me. I have a hard time remember me. its a frightening place to be. I have these thoughts about my family that make me feel so guilty. I long for sleep all day long but as the evening rolls around I start having anxiety because I know that night time has not meant sleep time for me in months. The lack of sleep is taking a toll on my marriage, my mothering, my friendships and clearly, my heart and soul in general.
Will and I have been bickering constantly lately. We both hate it. I would say that my miserable hopeless attitude contributes a lot to the bickering...but there are just those things, you know, be honest, that you have been fighting about since that very frist day of wedded bliss. (ok maybe there are some freaks out there who don't know what I'm talking about, but whatever, you have issues! ;)) Its like all the things that Will and I both complain about in the other are just this ugly cycle of crap and follows us around in cirlces. Its hideous. I didn't realize how much we were doing this ugly dance in front of our kids until, when my sister was out, she said "You guys give me anxiety and make my stomach hurt...quit it!" I cried. My poor kids. This isn't the life I want for myself. it certianly isn't the life that I want for my hard working husband and it certianly isn't the life that I want for my sweet babies. Our issues are fairly simple. So we are going to hire someone to letus fight in front of them :) haha. And help us work on the things that we seem to be constantly butting heads over. At the end of the day, I would never want to spend a day without Will...but that doesn't mean we are headed down a road that might drive the other away. So we are working on it. And I am excited. I had a friend sorta kindly "rip me a new one" the other day...and try to snap me out of my funkfest. It helped me at least try and understand (yet again) that I only have the power to change me. Yes I can bitch and moan until the cows come home that the stinking peanut butter is smeared all of the counter every morning, or that the freaking toilet seat is peed on, or that the garbage is overflowing and I have to take it out again, but I am a woman who has a husband who has worked very hard to get where he is. He is working hard to allow me to stay home with this monsters err uh lovely children, and I am thankful...so I need to put a sock in it when it doesn't matter so that when it does matter, I am taken seriously. Can anyone relate??? Or you all just have perfect marriages where you spoon and make out all day??
My children, oh my children. Dear Shiloh is still the thorn in my side and the apple of my eye all at once. Her keeping me up all night long for 7 months and when she's awake, following me around crying when I'm not holding her has taken a toll on my ability to bond with her. I would give my right arm, and maybe some stomach rolls, thigh blubber and a double chin, for that little sweet ball of love, but it is hard to feel happy about seeing her 24/7 when, because we are up all the time, I never get a break from her. There is a lot that I resent about my situation. It upsets Solomon that I either have to be attached to Shiloh or we have to listen to her scream. It takes any one on one time away from him, which is terribly unfair, and makes me even more annoyed with Shiloh. Plus, my patience is so thin that I also snap and explode all over Solomon when his actions rarely deserve that...ok maybe when he flushed his underwear down the toilet he deserved it, but like I said, rarely. I LONG to be that great mother who makes bread and homeschools and works all day to educate and love and grow beautiful giving compassionate little hippy children...I feel so far from that. But, I have been trying to give myself a little grace, because these sleeping circumstances cannot last forever (and if you ahve a 10 year old who doesn't sleep, keep your mouth shut! I cannot hear that right now!!!) and until I can resume some sort of normalcy, I am trying my best and that has got to be enough right now.
Solomon is still going through that vile, gross stage. I seriously cannot even type out some of the sickening things he has done. I try to just ignore them but some times I am so grossed out that I freak out on him and tell him that if he eats one more booger, his stomach is goign to explode or if he asks to smell my butt again, his nose is going to catch fire!!! I don't know what else to do, other than hope that someday, my son will find a wife who can look past his grossness haha.
Shiloh is walking and babbling and signing away. I am proud of her. She is still SO tiny. If she were 20 lbs I would be amazed. She loves to put random things inside of other larger random things, stack and do other very tedious things. She is so the opposite of Solomon and its amazing to me every day that I am raising such different children. Shiloh lives for being in my lap and alwaays comes over for cuddles and that is something that Solomon never ever did. She is a bubbly little thing when she gets her way and when she doesn't, well world, look out! I love her. I am working hard on getting rid of my resentment toward the situation...grace. Im holding onto grace.
Having my sister out here for 2 weeks was awesome. She is a gem. I am lost without her. I miss having family here. My parents were texting me saying they were near tears that they couldn't be here. I'm just so glad that my sister was here to help and celebrate with us. We actually get to go to California for Solomons birthday so he will get to be with all the people he loves and misses for his birthday, which he deserves. WE miss my family SO much and cherish our visits with them.
Ok, time for some good news!!!
My sister decided that we needed to exhaust every avenue to try and get SHiloh to sleep. Since I had done everything I knew, she decided to MAKE me move Shilohs crib into Solomons room and move him into our room. WE have thought about this forever but just never did, because I am up with her so much that walking to another room seemed like more than I could take. But...so far, every night has been better and better. Last night, being the best night, she went to bed at 7. Woke up at 2 and had pooped, and then slepted until 6:20. I am getting excited...trying not to get my hopes up but its been a week and so far every night has been an improvement...so...heres to sleep!
Othere good news, Will was on the news AGAIN! This segment has really got SOOO many patients...its amazing. Watch it!! He is so cute!
blog more, but if not...the theme...grace...I am learning to give myself grace.