Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Because I Finally Let Go...
It has been a long, long road. It has been a hard, hard road. Most times, it has been a very lonely road. But for the time being, it is not uphill, it is not lonely.
Truthfully, it's humiliating to even talk about...but I know I am not alone in this, so I share, because others have shared with me. The raw vulnerability is part of who I am. And honestly, it takes too much energy to pretend...
I have been pressed from what felt like every side for a long time. I didn't even realize how pressed I was until the pressure let up a little. I was reaching out, begging, especially from Will, for help, but I don't think he understand the gravity of my situation either. And who could expect him to, if the one who felt all the pressure, all the pain, didn't understand it either.
My sadness, my loneliness, it ran deep. I felt like I didn't deserve to continue. I am horrible wife, an angry mother, and a worthless fat slob. Here I was a struggling newlywed (who had clearly seemed to skip out on the whole "honeymoon phase" because within 2 days of being married we were already threatening each other and second guessing our choices) who got pregnant 3 months after we got married, gained all kinds of weight, and then had to deal with the baby, while battling these out-of-control emotions, and while my husband was in 50 hours of school a week. Then, with 20 lbs of baby weight still on me, I did it all again. Here came the most difficult, impossible baby I had ever been around, a cross-country move and loneliness like I had never ever felt. I always feel like a failure in everything I do.
I hear this voice. You're ruining your children. You yelled at them again? You don't deserve them. Look at this man you married, boy was that the wrong choice. Can you believe he just did that? What a jerk! He doesn't care about you. You are never going to lose this weight, and if you do, you'll just gain it back. You're life is a mess...because YOU are not working hard enough. Your dad is sick and you are so far away...why did you move here? This was your idea. Look at all the money you are spending on things...does it help? Keep spending on worthless crap to find out.
It is ALL your fault...and you deserve it.
I know this may sound completely insane, but these were just "truths" that I knew to be true. These were just things that WERE my reality.
And then...a light, the teeniest speck of light, shown down on my life.
THEY. ARE. ALL. LIES.
From an enemy that seeks to destroy me.
An enemy that will never stop trying to destroy me.
An enemy who I do not HAVE to listen to.
I could breathe. This truth set a little part of my heart free.
(I was also helped by a host of natural supplements to help with this awful depression and I have to say, I am not sure I could have received this light without them.)
I had lost myself. I let go of the truth. I put my hand in the face of a God who wanted me to listen, all while clinging to Him, begging for Him to speak to me.
I have a LONG way to go. I struggle daily with my body image/weight issues. I feel overwhelmed by this weight that needs to come off. I want someone to shed some light on how to fix this for me. I'm still fighting to not freak out on my kids when they act like, yah know, kids. My husband can still annoy the crap out of me...
But...I know that God LOVES me, that He has promised to bring me home. He has promised to lead me and hold me and restore me. I have connected with my husband for the first time in our entire relationship and I finally KNOW that, even on our crappiest days, he is the RIGHT choice. He is wonderful and smart and caring. I have been taking moments with my children, laughing with them, enjoying them...for the first time in years.
The whispers, they are still there. But I am getting the full meaning of "taking every thought captive" and am trying to hard to hold that thought, before I let it pierce and potentially destroy my heart, and sift the truth from the lies. The lies, are no longer welcome.
The enemy, told me I had the power to save my life. I was responsible for the mess that was my life. It was me. All me. And I have been struggling for so long to save my own life...because after all, if I didn't who would???
Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it... and, let me tell you, in every possible way, I was moments away from losing my life.
But whoever loses his life....will save it.
Here I was, barely treading water. Drowning, desperate to save myself, my family, everything...
But the moment I let it go...He saved me. He covered my ears. He told me the truth.
He saved me...because I finally let go...