Monday, February 22, 2010

Wildly Longing...

I can close my eyes at almost anytime...and I am there.

I take a deep breath. I smell it. I walk carefully on wet, slippery, red earth. Banana trees everywhere I look. I hear the noise of kids running, playing, laughing. I see those beautiful white teeth shining out from beautiful dark faces, some full of hope, some full of fear and anger. I hear night noises, loud symphonies carrying on despite the darkness. Rain pours down on my tin roof. Laughing until it hurt with Adam, Moses and Sophie every day. Adventure in every moment.

My life of simplicity. Void of the greatest "necessities" electricity, running water, a toilet inside the house. I miss the silly things like filling up a plastic basin to bathe in and not even dreaming of blow drying my hair or putting make up on. Lighting matches, candles lanterns to see. No distractions to take up my time. Learning how to love in an unimaginable way.

Oh, the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.

That is something I no longer feel. Its a place that I long for. Not even so much physically but spiritually. It is a place that I have never found here. I look for it. But I get so angry that I cannot quench this be back there, back in that fullness, that love, that confidence. Why doesn't God let this fire die out? It seems so unfair. I struggle with so much anger towards Him. I cannot go why are these flames still raging??

I long to go back there. I cannot explain the way I have felt each time I stepped off that plane in Entebbe, Uganda. My heart screamed, "I am home!!" Its the only thing in my life I have ever done where I undeniably knew GOD TOLD ME TO GO HERE. The idea, so much NOT mine, that it was ONLY His.

I remember returning to the States feeling like such an outsider. It was an impossible feeling to deal with. I truly felt like God left me...and if I am being honest, there is such a short period of time where I have felt connected with Him since then, that its hard not to say I haven’t felt Him or heard Him at all in these past years.

There is goodness, greatness in my life now. I have a husband who I know God hand picked and delivered for/to me. I have the most lovely children, that I have dreamed of my whole life...but I am lost. I search for Him, wanting to find Him in the way I found Him there. I cannot. The guilt I have over our seemingly failed relationship must only fall on me...but this dessert is dry and it is wearing me down.

And the emptiness remains. I cannot bring myself to believe that it is there for a reason. I simply try and daily find the God I feel abandoned me on an airplane many years ago.

Oh, how I miss the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.


mrs schneider said...

Oh, how I miss the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.

oh friend. these words spoke to my heart. i know the longings in your heart. there are no easy answers. continue to seek.

Corin said...

Oh man, all I can say is that you are not alone and that even when it seems like He is not near...he is. And often times, it's when he's closest, in our suffering and lonliness. Funny, I just heard a message about this exact topic on a Christian radio show last week.

I know there's not much anyone can say when it feels like you're a hundred miles away from God. But I can tell you I can relate to that feeling, and just keep hope alive. You'll get that feeling back. Don't give up.


Charlene Brown said...

At one point when I felt this way, and oh how I have felt this way, my Dad suggested I read Psalms. It helped very much.

Don't be scared of following your heart. Go simple. Don't spend the time to put on make-up. Spend it with Him instead. Don't spend the time drying your hair, lean on Him instead. Love your children. Love your husband. Love your prayer with Him. And He will bless you. he will love you. You will feel him.

Our pastor spoke of fasting recently, something I have been considering. IDK, interesting thought.