Thursday, February 11, 2010

Sleepless (and slightly crazy) In Snowmageddon

The last two weeks have been two of the most trying weeks of my (and Im sure I can add Will into this too) life.  I have blogged and blogged about Shilohs sleeping issues.  At five months, all hell broke loose and things have been getting worse and worse for the last four months.  She goes to sleep easily, but staying asleep, a whole other story.  Some nights I can nurse her right back to sleep, other nights, I am up for 3 hours.  I dare you to give me advise that I haven't tried.  Earlier bed time, later bed time, take a nap away, bed time routine, bath, lavendar massage, let her cry for 1 min- go in and comfort and then double the time each time you leave, let her cry it out for up to an hour (I even did up to 90 minutes one night, while hysterically crying outsdie the door bc I hate the cry it out method. she never ever calmed down, not even a little)  hold her, rock her, walk/jostle/sing routine, seriously...EVERYTHING.  Its really hard.  And you know what?  I never imagined that such prolonged sleeplessness would start to alter your state of mind, but oh how it has.  Her not sleeping also stirs up this anger in me.  Do you know it?  The sleeplessnes in combination with the anger just gives me these horrible thoughts, resenting my own child, which then adds terrible guilt to the equation.  How can a mother who loves her baby so much resent her own child at times??? 

She has had a cold.  Which, mothers know, means sleep issues x100!!!  After 2 nights of her sleeping an accumulated total of maybe two hours, I had completely lost my mind.  I cried for an entire day.  I was trying to hard to reconnect with her during the day, but the night had been so horrible that I seriously had to prepare myself to even hold her because I was so upset about it.  I sort of just shut down.  Thank God Will was home!!!  That day, she ended up with a fever and her cold, which was improving, got worse.  Runny nose, hacking cough, just total misery.  She took one nap that day, which is unusual.  Then bedtime...oh bedtime.  I was up the entire night again.  I kid you not, if I so much as bent my knees, not to mention stopped walking/jostling her, she screamed.  I did that for four hours straight.  My body ached from holding her to the point that I thought I might hurl...I finally had to wake Will up at 5am.  I went to bed for 2 hours and when I woke up, Shiloh was napping.  She got up and was miserable (clearly quite sick)  I wore her in the sling and had to pace the house/jostle her all day in order to keep her from screaming.  She feel asleep for a few minues a few different times in the sling but other than that, there was no sitting, no napping at all on Monday. 

Will and I were at the end of our rope.  Something was wrong.  Our kids have never been to a sick dr visit but Shiloh had her first one on Monday evening.  I told the dr (thankfully a D.O.) that I didn't want ANY antibiotic unless she was absolutely certian it was necessary.  Ear unfections are such a popular (and mostly false) diagnosis, most of which heal on their own, that I told her to please let us ride it out if she thoguht it were possible.  Shiloh had a 102.7 fever so the body was clearly working on something but when the dr peeked into her ears she said, "Woah!  This is a bad, full blown ear infection...and lets see the otherside...yeah, wow, same thing."  My kids have never been on an antibiotic so I was realy nervous.  I have a lot of antibiotic allergies (probably caused from being on them constatntly as a child) plus all the harsh side was all just hard to take.  I got the antibiotic and more motrin and added tylenol (because it seemed like the the motrin was barely touching her pain) and headed home.  I drugged her up, which just kills me.  Solomon has taken a fever reducer maybe 3 times in his whole life, and that boy is known to have 104 fevers for no reason at all...but Shiloh is nine months old and has finished an entire bottle of motrin!!!  Oh I cringe at the thought of it!!! Her poor liver/kidneys!!!  Anyway, at 930pm, she went to sleep, laying down!!!!  In her bed!!!!  Which hadn't happened in days!  She woke up at 130 and had a nurse and more tylenol/motrin piggy backing.  Then...she slept...and she slept and she slept!!!!! At 9 am I finally had to wake her up because I was so engorged and was leaking all over the place.  The next night was similar.  Thank you God...just that she is sleeping and feeling better.  And that I got to sleep for more than 2 hours!!!  :) 

Last night was a rough one again, but I tried skipping the pain meds.  Perhaps a mistake?  At 3am, when we had been up for 2 hours, I gave her a little more motrin and she slept till 530, had a nurse and went back to sleep until 8. Perhaps she is still in a little pain. 

This whole thing has been difficult for so many reasons.  There are so few people who get how awful this is because of lack of experience.  It feels really lonely sometimes.  Plus, I was really feeling so bad that Will had to get up and go to work, that I was taking it all on myself, trying to not wake him (I was making him sleep in with Solomon so that he wouldn't have to be awake all night) unless I was considering screaming at Shiloh, or worse!!!  I came to the conclusion that we both have to work the next day and I NEED him.  So he was happy to come back in and help, as a team.  Also, I was really really see, every night, I literally CRY out to God...begging for Him to let me sleep, let Shiloh help us all sleep...and every morning I feel like He compltely ignored me.  It crushed me everday.  I started to get really angry with Him.  "How you could NOT care God? I'm dying here!!"  Then...I decided to start praying for something different..."Lord, help me have the strength to get through whatever the night holds...." and then, He WAS there.  He helped me through each night, as long as I tapped into His strength. 

It has been/is a process.  A long, hard, sad, upsetting, exhausting, terrible process.  But I am surviving.  And that is the most important part. 

To top it all off, the weather has had us completely trapped in the house.  We have had like 4 feet of snow over the last week and it is still coming down.  We are trapped in the driveway and Will and I have been shoveling and shoveling.  It is a mess out there!!!  Grocery stores were completely out of milk, as in THE ENTIRE STORE HAD NO MILK!!!!  What the heck!!!
Right as the storm started

Two Hours Later

The Next Morning

We are surviving, God is with us, and for that, we are So thankful.  I know this is a really really depressing post, but for me, there is so much victory ...hope that makes sense.


jennainthesky said...

Gosh Amber that is so terribly sad. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I obviously can't feel what you are feeling but my prayers are with you guys.

Corin said...

Oh you poor love! Yikes, that is sooo hard. I read this on Friday (I think) but couldn't comment because I had to run after the kids. But I thought about you all weekend and couldn't wait to get back here to tell you, "Hang in there!" I know it's so amazingly difficult, but it will get better.

Ear infections are THE WORSTE. And it sucks giving them pain meds, but when Levi gets ear infections, seriously, it's Tylenol every four hours. It's just so painful for them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you friend!