Monday, March 31, 2008

Joy...and Peace

I am indeed, feel better. A bit ago, I came across a blog that I really love. She is quite amazing, definately someone whose life I would like to learn from. She has this Pride vs. Brokenness enrty that really touched me. It made things a lot more simple. It just awoken the joy that is deep in my heart, the joy that my pessimistic self tries to supress. AND THEN, oh goodness, and THEN, I found The Temple and I know I didn't necessarily take away exactly what she was saying, but I did have this revelation of sorts. I don't need to do some strict regimented diet, and I don't really need to run for 2 hours at the gym, what I need to do is learn to care for my body as if it were borrowed from God.'s a powerful concept for me. For me it's usually all abou tthe number on the scale. Weighing 7-8 times a day, weighing in the middle of the night, it's serious. It is not about that...and while it's oh so easy to say, I need to keep my focus on just caring for God's temple. So that is my goal for today. I am taking it one day at a time and I am hoping that the joy's of my heart will be fully restored to the front line!

This weekend we got to go to Will and KelliAnn's house for dinner. I think it is the first time since Solomons birth, almost two years ago, that we have gone to comeone's house for dinner who also has a child, or at all really (dad's house not counting). (Maybe once or twice, but I can't think of any really). It was SOOOO nice! Solomon did whomp poor 9 month old Kaitlyn on the nogging twice but other than that it was quite nice. We had a yummy dinner and I made the best brownies on the planet with the best frosting EVER!! It was just an all around good time. We kind of felt like adults again :)

In the oven right now, is a coffe cake from Jessica Seinfeld's Deceptively Delicious cookbook. It looks fantastic, and in 30 mins we will see how it tastes. It has buttternut squash in it. I hope it's good!

Solomon and I are going to the library today for a tiny bit. He always freaks out there whenever I take him because there are these fountains there, with tons of kiddo's playing in then, and it seems as though ten million years of playing in them would never be enough for him! He always get's so mad when we leave! Hopefully not today...

Peace, peace be in my heart. Peace overflow to others. Peace be in our world. Peace be among friends, peace create friends here and internationally. Peace, be here.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Fink Funk Funk... That is me at the moment. I don't know how to shake it. I really want to get to a better place emotionally but I seem to get like this every few weeks or so. I just become suddenly launched into overload, emotionally, physically and any other possible way that I could get overloaded. Several things are taking place within me...

First is my lovely child who has been a but of a hellion lately. I try so hard to be patient with him, explain things to him, respect him as a person, and give and give and give my whole self to him. Well this week, it seems it's not enough. EVERYTHING is a knock down drag out fight. Everything is "NO" and fit after fit...screaming flailing tantrums. Example: "Solomon, come help momma pick up your toys please." "NO" I get up, go over, pick him up to standing, "We don't tell momma NO, we get up and come when momma tells you to." I walk him over to the toy area and he drops to the floor and kick and phoney bologna cries about. I tell him we don't act that way but he continues to refuse helping me put his stinking cars in their home so I break down into tears because I have just had it. I scoop up all of his toys and take them to a place that he can't get to and just say, "Since you wont help clean your toys up, you cannot play with them anymore today." I didn't handle it the best way. I didn't know what to do. The whole day had been chalked full of these situations and I just lost it emotionally. Will walked in the door at 9pm and I said, "Does anyone you know want a little boy????" jokingly of course (well sort of) But I have no help, no babysitters, no assistance, its just me and Solomon so I do get these choking moments...where I just need out...only for an hour or so but with Will's schedule it rarely happens.

Another issue is image. Yesterday was a particularly horrifying day. Everytime I walked my the mirror I just bawled my eyes out. I still cannot accept what my body has become since having Solomon. I have been working my butt off at the gym (well I took a week or so off but before that) doing 60-90 mins a day of intense cardio with what seems to be no results. I hate what I see. This saggy kangaroo pouch that is now my stomach has got to go! I just feel defeated, like a complete failure. Why can't I just complete this task? I need to lose 30 lbs. And note to self, avoid at all costs (although I can't think of much I could have done differently) gaining 60lbs during a next pregnancy!!!! AHHHHH...I'm a weepy mess. I hate weigth, I hate food, but msot of all, I hate feeling unlovable because of my appearance...this brings me to my next issue.

I am toiling with the issue of having a little girl. I don't know that I will have a girl but if I did, I seriously question my ability to mother a little girl. I have very unhealthy self-esteem and I never want another girl on this planet to feel this way...much less accidentally raise a child to feel the same why. I have just started reading "Captivating" so maybe that will have some insight for me.

I know in a week I will feel better. (My mom is home for the week...that always makes everything harder. Seeing as how we live in her guest house!!!) My mom and I have had a huge fight every day this week, so that is a blast. Nine months until we move...nine months until we move...I just keep repeating that. I miss Will. He is gone constantly...I curse that school!!!! Why do they steal him from me!!!?!?!?! Not fair. Again, nine more months! I will finish this season out...and begin a new chapter. I cannot wait.

I am trying to be strong. I just feel lonely and defeated. This too shall pass...of this I am sure.

Monday, March 24, 2008

No Questions Asked

Today my mom came into our house and said to turn on NBC because they were doing a segment on vaccinations. So I, dragging my feet, sit to watch it with her. We chose not to vaccinate Solomon, which is the best choice for US. I know that, for the most part, parents do what they believe is best for them. I have no judgement or "tsk tsk finger" in anyone's face. We just decided that this was the best choice for OUR family. I don't want to get too high up on my soap box but my friend told me an aweful story, in tears. She is a tremendously strong woman, never to be bullied, for the most part. Her daughter just turned one and went in for the 12 month well baby check up...she let the Dr know that she didn't want to give her any shots...and there it began...She said that this happens everytime, but that this was the worst. The Dr all but wont let her leave until Her little girl gets them! She said she did a refresher and read up on all the facts and stats and as she is telling what she knows about them and what makes her uncomfortable about them, the Dr is just saying things like, "So you want to be the kind of parents who just depends on other parents to do their job and protect YOUR child by vaccinating thiers." What do you say to that??? She went on in a full blown debate with the Dr for over 15 minutes until said friend was in tears and surrendered to the brutality. She called me, in tears, saying that they got her again and she felt like such a failure. We talked about it for a long time and came to the conclusion that she either wont go to the Dr any more or will DEFINATELY get a new Dr.

Is this the place that we have come to in our world? People are not supposed to ask questions? I mean that is just terrible. If said friend wanted vaccines for her child, all the power to her, but if she has questions and feels stongly about this, this is HER child, and she should have the right to say whether or not she wants something for her. People are often times shocked when we are (rarely) at the Dr and we say we do/don't want something that most people just follow without asking what its for or what the purpose is. It is my right to ask why you want to stick a needle into MY child with some unknown toxin...and if I cannot ask a question, that is just about the biggest red flag I have ever seen. I am not one of extreme's one way or the other...I mean if you will treat me poorly because of my opinion, because you are SO far one way, and do not give me a right to my own decisions, I feel there is something wrong taking place.

The NBC clip was an MD talking abou how vaccines are a must and "any good parent" would want them. She was for government mandating and manditory vaccines. However, she said, that a recent measles outbreak took place. 12 Children in San Diego, CA contracted the measles. 3 of them were vaccinated...WHY WOULD I DO THIS???? The wordage was what made me upset, "Mealses in RARE cases is DEADLY. If the other 9 children that WEREN'T vaccinated has been vaccinated, they might not have contracted them." I am not trying to be polarizing or angry but ON WHAT PLANET DOES THIS MAKE SENSE???????

I should be able to ask questions. God gave me a brain, he gave me Solomon and told me that his body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and if that is the case, I do and will continue to question everything that enters his tender little body. He is my gift, and I want to be responsible for caring for him to my fullest ability...and if this is the way I choose to do it, I feel that should be respected...I am with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week, every day of his life, and a Dr that sees him for 5 minutes may have extensive knowledge about a lot of things...he may have an opinion that I can respect...but if I do disagree with something, because I know my child FAR better than this "stranger" ever could, I expect to be offered the same respect. I offer this respect for every parent. I firmly believe that what I am do is right for Solomon...and I have lots of friends who have children, and they all make different decisions, but I believe they are doing what they think is best for there seems disrespectful not to.

There seems to be a theme in our world these days. If you question anything, you become a conspiracy theorist, a rebel, a freak, an outcast, gossiped about... But I feel that I can question what I need to question. Jesus was accused of doing all of those I think Im ok :)

Friday, March 21, 2008

Cooking, Screaming and Atonement

Its been an interesting week. Solomon and I went grocery shopping at Whole Foods earlier this week. I needed to get some things to try out some new recipies and a whole new cook book that I got. It's fun yet very expensive to go get things like wheat germ and random spices and egg substitues (Solomon is allergic to eggs boo). So we made our way through the entire store and were walking through the "pharmacy" getting a few things and I ask the assistant there if they have Amlaki, something Will wanted me to check on and Solomon starts trying to get the womans attention, making little faces and noises and she says, "Well someone likes negative attention mommy." And was like, "He is saying hi." And she kind of snickers and rolls her eyes...thanks jerk! Ugh...seriously, why do people even talk? I mean if THIS is the kind of thing you are going to say to a complete stranger...SHUT IT!

Well we were almost home free, I needed to get stankin' goji berries and wouldn't you know it??? One of those carts with the kiddie car attached to it was in our isle, it was an hour past Solomon's naptime and he saw it and FREAKED OUT!!! Crying hysterially...and people were giving me looks and rolling there eyes and mouthing words like, "yikes" to me. WHAT THE HECK??? Solomon is SUCH a good boy and I cannot figure out WHY on earth people act this way...children are intitled to an outbreak here and just makes me so angry!

Will and I finally watched Atonement...while it was a decent movie, I do not see what all the fuss was about. I didn't think it was the fantastic movie everyone was was disappointing. I mean it was stilla good movie...I didn't waste 2 hours of my life, but I just didn't get it...I wanted so much more from it... (sorry Jen:( )

Well I really hope that Solomon comes out of his tantrum fest because today has been a NIGHTMARE!!!! He is jut a mess...not to mention he is still on this lame eating strike and I can hardly think of things to give me...and no Solomon In N Out fries are NOT A MEAL!!!! I am just a little near the endofmy rope today and I need some relaxing time I think...oh if only that ever existed!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Green-ness Is Close To Godliness

Jen's Photos are just quite amazing! Here are some "St Patrick's Day" photos (like we celebrate it...let's be honest...I just wanted to get his WICKED onsie in before he was too big for it haha) I think she did a FABULOUS job!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Sadness, Sickness, Sweetness

Where do I start? Christine's memorial was Friday. It was quite possibly the worst thing ever...I mean it was a beautiful ceremony but it was horrible, sad, I cried the entire time. This woman, she got it! She understood what life was about. Truely, I feel that if she had another 5 minutes on this earth, she was be able to say, "No I don't really have any regrets." The testament of her life proclaimed this loudly. Her children, my friends, stood to talk about how if she say a homeless person she would rush to the grocery store, by them groceries and take them to the person, offer to take them to her house so that she could cook them a hot meal. She loved to paint and garden and cook.
Her best friend told this story: Christine came to visit me last year. Everyday I would come home from work and she would have dinner made from scratch. We would laugh and giggle like only girls can do. One evening I came home and my walk way was lined in purple pansies...they weren't there when I left. She met me at the door with that huge "Christine smile" on her face and said, "Come look in the back yard." She filled my backyard with tons of panies, lined my rose garden with panies and then said, "There is another surprise for you...but you wont know what it is until spring." Well it's yard is FULL of daffodils...and Christine is gone...but everytime I look out my window, she is there...I remember her.
I have a memory of Christine and the type of mother that she was. I remember her kids and my siblings and I were looking for some summer fun/trouble. She let us climb to the top of her massive old station wagon, slide down the wind shield and off the hood while someone was hosing it down to make it super slippery. What a parents would NEVER allow such fun. She cared for her kids in such a way that I want to follow...what an amazing woman. Lord let me never forget what an impact this has had on my life...never ever

I came down with a fever on Saturday. Will had Chiro Board Exams the entire weekend (boo hiss!!!) so Solomon and I went to church without him. On the drive hom my nose was running like crazy and I just felt like I got hit by a one hour I went from feeling fine to completely horrible. Sunday was a beast. I slept almost the whole day, but since I was with Solomon that wasn't a good thing...woopsie...I kept waking up in a complete panic...WHERE IS MY CHILD...whew...he is right there...not fun. I still feel not so good but I am hoping that it will clear by tomorrow...

Solomon has become a mocking bird. He repeats EVERYTHING...its a blast. He has been such a wonderful joy lately. He always is, but just extra funny and playful and fantastic. We are getting him the BPH-A free sippy cups and bottles...and I just got his BPH-A free binkies in the mail today, so I am excited about that...hopefully he likes them.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Tragedy, Food, and Lamenting

I have a friend that I grew up with, Charlene. We went to school together for a good bit and then her and her family moved about 15 minutes away and she went to a different high school. In 7th grade, my parents went through a nasty divorce, I started battling eating disorders, depression/ anxiety, severe social anxiety, and a whole slew of sadness. She gave me the most profound advise that I have ever been given and I have never forgotten it. She and I recently met up and got to catch up. She is happily married and an English teacher. She has been trying for a few years to have children. Recently she got pregnant, it ended up being a ectopic pregnancy, her tube burst and she literally was moments away from death. The emergency surgeon saved her life miraculously. I remember her telling me this story...telling me how hard it is every month to take a negative pregnancy test, how she was so relieved to see her mom walk in the door as she was quickly stepping closer to death in that ER...she told me that she looks forward to having kids, even though she will have to work, because her sweet mom will be able to take care of her children...On top of all this sadness, she was dealing with nearly losing her father to Lead poisoning, but thankfully now he is recovering...and her little brother is battling a tragic heroin addiction. The worst part from me, is that I remember distancing myself from her a bit when I started going through my own trials, as a young teen, because her family "had it all". They were just the happiest bunch, not perfect, but just looked like they had so much fun together...

Last night, I got home from dinner with Will and Solomon, and was met by a neighbor who said, "Amber, Christine Beal suddenly passed away... Christine is Charlene's mom. The tears are pouring down my face right now. I haven't seen Christine in years...but I have many many memories with her...she took me to school every single day. I spent 60% of my "at home time" in her house...I spent countless nights under her roof...I just cannot believe this. It's so unfair. Why her? After all this family has been through...why this? I just don't know what to say or do...I feel like I should do something...I couldn't even call her last night. I sent her a text today just saying that I was so sorry, that I don't know what to so or do but am willing to do anything if she needs it. Is that terrible? I am so sad...lamenting...I can hardly focus...I hardly slept last night just thinking of this...It's just horrible...horrible...why do things happen like this? To people who are so lovely. I have been studying Ecclesiastes this month...talking about how the righteous suffer and the fools prosper, and it's all so meaningless...meaningless, sad...nothing can even come close to touching the depths of my grief...

Solomon has been boycotting food lately. He has eaten close to nothing in the last week or so...darn his eye teeth...poor little boo. I just needed to rejoice a little bit, because today for breakfast he ate almost an entire chicken, apple w/maple sausage, a fourth of a wheat less blueberry/raspberry muffin...I am so thankful...and last night at dinner he ate some broccoli, chicken breast, and some pasta w/sauce. I'm so glad...he is getting so stinking skinny.

I don't know how to end this...perhaps with the advise Charlene gave me in 7th grade..."Amber, even though you think people never see the good you do, know that it is seen...and you will be rewarded another matter how much you don't feel it, you are seen and what you do is recognized."

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Unto Us, A Child

My friend, Sara, does a fantastic impression of Jesus. As a recovering drug addicted she wanted to do something to change the world, or at least the the world of someone. It turns out, she is chaning a lot more than one life. She became a (foster) momma December 2006 to Melody, 3 and Kimberly 7 weeks, who tested positve for drugs at birth. Their other four siblings went to live in another home (mother named Lidia). Sara, as a single momma, has been doing a fantastic job...whether it be running Meoldy to and from preschool, scheduling social worker appiontments, going to court dates, filling out mass amounts of paper work for the future adoption, keep every reciept she ever obtains, getting Kimberly ready for infant stimulation appointments...she's always a great momma. Life took quite a turn for the little family that she was creating in october. Lidia called her, stating that that she could not take Brianna's fits any more and if Sara would not take 7 year old Brianna, she was "giving her back to the system." Sara, naturally, said she would take her in. The first week was totally uneventful...Brianna was a total sweetheart and we all spoiled the pants off the little thing. The next week, I didn't hear from Sara for a few days. When we finally talked, we both was in tears. Brianna was in a psychiatric hospital on a 14 day hold...because she was trying to take her own 7. She was taking Christmas decorations, breaking them and using the broken pieces to try and cut her neck. She was running outside and laying in the street scream, "Someone kill me." It was a 5 hour fit and my words cannot do the devastating situation justice. Sara got her immediately into therapy with a fantastic therapist...she is failing first grade, she had to get her into all kinds of tutoring...psyciatrist's completley turned their lives upside down. Brianna has her up's and down's...more down's thats for sure. Her fits are getting worse. Sara has tried everything. She had to call 911 again yesterday. Brianna was becoming violent again, threatening her little sisters, hitting, kicking and bitting Sara to the point that Sara could not control her...all because she woke up not wanting to go to school. It's getting to the point where no one knows what to do. Melody is beginning to act her because her life is in constant stress. Kimberly has a life filled with rage and anger... Brianna just rages comstantly, breaking things, ripping up books, threatening to harm her sisters and herself... So what does one do? Do you "give back" a child...throw her away again? So that in 2 years 3 "mom's" have "left" you? Or do you just endure it, raising your other two children in such an angry stressful environment, always fearing and praying that she never gets ahold of scissors, knives or is left alone with the other children? I love Brianna with my whole heart. She is loving and precious and more in touch with her emotions than any other child that I have ever met, which I think is apart of the problem. My tears just flow...every time I think of her and her poor hurting, fearful, gutted heart, at age 7, I can't do anything else but morn.
I had a conversation with my sweet Brianna today...the bold is me.
So how have things been going?

I think you know.

Well I want to hear your words.

Well Im pretty sure that my mom told you...I just get really angry. I don't know what to do.

I know. Being angry is really hard. So what happened when you got angry?

I did some really bad things. I hit and kicked my mom.

Wow you must have been really angry.

I was. I just get so angry that I want to kill someone...

You do? Who do you want to kill?

Well I don't really want to kill them...I just think about it. I wanted to kill Mark (a social worker). I told my mom that if he came over I would kill him...but I didn't mean it.

I am sorry that you get so angry. What do you think we could do to help you calm down when you are so angry.

I don't know.

You know Bri, I have known your momma for a long time.

How long?

14 years.


Did you know that your momma used to be very angry too?

But she didn't do the things I did.

Yes she did.

She didn't bite anyone.

She might have. Amber, I apologized. I am so sorry. I apologized with my whole heart.

I know sweetie.

You know, one thing I know for momma loves her daughters more than anything in the world.

You are right sweetie. What we need to do now, is figure out how to work through your you can ask your mom for help instead of trying to hurt people of yourself.

Ok...I can try...but I just get so angry...

I know honey...I am sorry...

Sara doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to tell her. Everyone is saying to "give her back" but my heart aches at the thought of how that would make that child feel. Oh Lord, please...give ways that only you can fathom. Raise up this her to the way she is to heart aches...what are we to do with this child...that you have given to all of us...Lord help us!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Oh I love thee

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
--- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!

Monday, March 3, 2008

Happy Places

Here are the photos by Jen...of me and my happiness at Disneyland...