I'm having a tough day. Argh!!! I think my toddler traded in his listening skills (as if they ever existed) for more testy energy. It's been hard to do anything "fun" lately because he has been such a stinker! I am not the mom who tells her child no to everything, in fact, I think I'm pretty laid back. This is why I feel like he should listen the few times I tell him to cut it out!!! He answers me "ok" and "yes momma" to everything and either just ignores what I say and does it anyway or is to tempted by what ever it is I am pleading that he NOT do that he just MUST do it! I don't know which one it is. I just always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, like I'm going to ruin him, clueless as to conquer this "mothering" task. I need answers!!! A magic pill perhaps??? :)
Which makes me sound crazy when Will and I talk about trying for another baby soon...huh? I can hardly care for one, why are we thinking this???? :) I'm not exactly sure but I really wish we could try like, oh, tonight! I am still carrying around 25 lbs of pregnancy weight (I know I know, he's 2...I'm depressed enough about it ok?!) and I'm terrified of gaining 50-60 lbs again and already have this 25 lbs still here. I fell like it would really push my emotional fragile self esteem over the not-so-good edge. Well then that makes me upset because if we want a baby, why does there have to be stipulations (my own). We should just be able to have another baby! I don't know. I don't think I'm even making sense...another reason why waiting is probably a good idea!
Financially everything is so up in the air. We are planning on moving back to PA in January after Will graduates. It's going to cost a lot to move from CA to PA but in the long run, it will be LOTS cheaper. Then, people keep letting me know that if I were working, and putting Solomon in daycare, our financial situation would be a lot more bearable. Well I can't find a babysitter to get acupuncture done, for an hour, exactly how I am supposed to find someone to watch him while I work a full time job...hmmm...you got me!
SO many unanswered questions and I certainly am not good with the unknown...I guess I just have to be brave and trust, 2 things that I really have no idea how to do...I guess all I can do i ask for strenght and know that if I really want it, it will come.
Showing posts with label Self-Esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Esteem. Show all posts
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
In His Image
Well I have dealt with, almost my entire life, terrible self-esteem issues. I still have them and they torture me everyday, some times every moment. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and a terrible body image. Sometimes I am too anxious about people in public seeing this "unlovable me." Sometimes I weigh myself 30 times a day. Sometime it wakes me up at night and I just ponder my "ugliness and worthlessness" for hours. I know that it isn't logical and I know it is a terrible terrible place for me to be...nevertheless...its here...ever present.
Yesterday, my sister and her boyfriend went to the park with Solomon and I. Her boyfriend left his sunglasses over by the swings and so he ran back to get them. April was wearing shorts (and has a hot rockin' bod in my opinion...I'd LOVE it!!!) and she kinda freaked out a little bit and turned around to face me (I was behind her) and stopped saying, "Wait, I don't want him to see my cellulite!!! PLease stop walking and lets wait for him so he wont see it." I wanted to cry. All I said was, "Oh April stop it...you don't have any...you are beautiful! Ugh!!!" I mean that. I wanted to cry knowing that those obsessive thoughts were going through her head. It made me sad. And I meant what I said!! She is beautiful JUST HOW SHE IS. I hear that...but in my case I think people are lying and I never believe it.
It's a tragedy that I do not know the solution to. I felt this way before my body morphed into a post pregnancy kangaroo pouchy ball of blub (there I am putting myself down again). So to me, the answer is just unknown...I don't know where to start, much less how to finish...but I will say that if I could take away/take on on my sweet sisters poor image thoughts...I would do it.
Our SexLove&Money study gave TONS of stats abotu body image and weigth issues on a slide show before we started it. Here were some of the stats: (I might be a TAD off on the exact percentages but just a TAD)
-80% of girls/woman or more terrified of getting fat than, nuclear warfare or losing thier parents.
-8 years ago, the average age in girls for "dieting" was 13. Now it is 9.
Darn, there were so many other good ones...I will write them down tonight at church and post more later.
Image...aren't we created in HIS image? Maybe I don't even remotely understand what that means...I don't know...there has to be an answer to this. Women, least of all, little girls, should NOT have to live like this! I know there is hope...I jsut know it.
Yesterday, my sister and her boyfriend went to the park with Solomon and I. Her boyfriend left his sunglasses over by the swings and so he ran back to get them. April was wearing shorts (and has a hot rockin' bod in my opinion...I'd LOVE it!!!) and she kinda freaked out a little bit and turned around to face me (I was behind her) and stopped saying, "Wait, I don't want him to see my cellulite!!! PLease stop walking and lets wait for him so he wont see it." I wanted to cry. All I said was, "Oh April stop it...you don't have any...you are beautiful! Ugh!!!" I mean that. I wanted to cry knowing that those obsessive thoughts were going through her head. It made me sad. And I meant what I said!! She is beautiful JUST HOW SHE IS. I hear that...but in my case I think people are lying and I never believe it.
It's a tragedy that I do not know the solution to. I felt this way before my body morphed into a post pregnancy kangaroo pouchy ball of blub (there I am putting myself down again). So to me, the answer is just unknown...I don't know where to start, much less how to finish...but I will say that if I could take away/take on on my sweet sisters poor image thoughts...I would do it.
Our SexLove&Money study gave TONS of stats abotu body image and weigth issues on a slide show before we started it. Here were some of the stats: (I might be a TAD off on the exact percentages but just a TAD)
-80% of girls/woman or more terrified of getting fat than, nuclear warfare or losing thier parents.
-8 years ago, the average age in girls for "dieting" was 13. Now it is 9.
Darn, there were so many other good ones...I will write them down tonight at church and post more later.
Image...aren't we created in HIS image? Maybe I don't even remotely understand what that means...I don't know...there has to be an answer to this. Women, least of all, little girls, should NOT have to live like this! I know there is hope...I jsut know it.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
A Little Low
So, I am in a place at the moment, well perhaps not at the exact moment, but lately, I have been in a low place. I'm trying hard, to be so many things for so many people, including myself, and I am failing at all of them. I am feeling reclusive, anxious, constant sadness... I want to be brave, power through it...but I just don't feel like I have the strength. A lot of the issues are stemming from my self esteem and self worth (or lack thereof) issues. Ironically enough, we just started a new series at church on Song of Solomon called SexLove&God (if you can listen to the study titled True Beauty, you MUST! it's life changing)...let's just say that I was heaving throughout the entire service with my mouth covered and my nose running down my face. (thanks to the man who brought me an entire roll of toilet paper).
I don't like failing at things, but I just feel like a total failure. I never thought I would be a good wife (Will knew this, but chose to carry on with marrying me) but I, at least, thought I would be a decent mom. But I just don't feel like I am. I always feel like I am several steps behind on what Solomon needs. It is terrible hard just blindly trying to be a child's mother. Wow...how did this happen? I mean, just when I think I have "figured him out," he has completely changed his whole self...ahhh...whats a mother to do? We have finally calmed down a bit but for 2 weeks there I just didn't have a CLUE what to do. I was feeling like he was totally asking for boundaries but I didn't know how to give them to him in a way that he could actually keep/obey them. We have started a "time out" that requires Solomon chest to chest with either Will or I, held tightly, the more he resists the closer we hold him. It really works well for us, I mean, wow...like Will and I actually feel incontrol. We never really felt "in charge" because he would just run away from us in regular time outs and crack up like it was a game. So yes, this has helped me feel like I am a little bit more in control of my life and feel a little more like a mother, instead of that babysitter who doesn't have a clue what she is doing. So that is definately a good thing.
Well...I am just trying to make a few decesions, work through lots of issues...I am just begging that God hold me close, because I need guidance and care from the Only One who completelyu understands the pains of my soul...
I don't like failing at things, but I just feel like a total failure. I never thought I would be a good wife (Will knew this, but chose to carry on with marrying me) but I, at least, thought I would be a decent mom. But I just don't feel like I am. I always feel like I am several steps behind on what Solomon needs. It is terrible hard just blindly trying to be a child's mother. Wow...how did this happen? I mean, just when I think I have "figured him out," he has completely changed his whole self...ahhh...whats a mother to do? We have finally calmed down a bit but for 2 weeks there I just didn't have a CLUE what to do. I was feeling like he was totally asking for boundaries but I didn't know how to give them to him in a way that he could actually keep/obey them. We have started a "time out" that requires Solomon chest to chest with either Will or I, held tightly, the more he resists the closer we hold him. It really works well for us, I mean, wow...like Will and I actually feel incontrol. We never really felt "in charge" because he would just run away from us in regular time outs and crack up like it was a game. So yes, this has helped me feel like I am a little bit more in control of my life and feel a little more like a mother, instead of that babysitter who doesn't have a clue what she is doing. So that is definately a good thing.
Well...I am just trying to make a few decesions, work through lots of issues...I am just begging that God hold me close, because I need guidance and care from the Only One who completelyu understands the pains of my soul...
Monday, March 31, 2008
Joy...and Peace
I am indeed, feel better. A bit ago, I came across a blog that I really love. She is quite amazing, definately someone whose life I would like to learn from. She has this Pride vs. Brokenness enrty that really touched me. It made things a lot more simple. It just awoken the joy that is deep in my heart, the joy that my pessimistic self tries to supress. AND THEN, oh goodness, and THEN, I found The Temple and I know I didn't necessarily take away exactly what she was saying, but I did have this revelation of sorts. I don't need to do some strict regimented diet, and I don't really need to run for 2 hours at the gym, what I need to do is learn to care for my body as if it were borrowed from God. Wow...it's a powerful concept for me. For me it's usually all abou tthe number on the scale. Weighing 7-8 times a day, weighing in the middle of the night, it's serious. It is not about that...and while it's oh so easy to say, I need to keep my focus on just caring for God's temple. So that is my goal for today. I am taking it one day at a time and I am hoping that the joy's of my heart will be fully restored to the front line!
This weekend we got to go to Will and KelliAnn's house for dinner. I think it is the first time since Solomons birth, almost two years ago, that we have gone to comeone's house for dinner who also has a child, or at all really (dad's house not counting). (Maybe once or twice, but I can't think of any really). It was SOOOO nice! Solomon did whomp poor 9 month old Kaitlyn on the nogging twice but other than that it was quite nice. We had a yummy dinner and I made the best brownies on the planet with the best frosting EVER!! It was just an all around good time. We kind of felt like adults again :)
In the oven right now, is a coffe cake from Jessica Seinfeld's Deceptively Delicious cookbook. It looks fantastic, and in 30 mins we will see how it tastes. It has buttternut squash in it. I hope it's good!
Solomon and I are going to the library today for a tiny bit. He always freaks out there whenever I take him because there are these fountains there, with tons of kiddo's playing in then, and it seems as though ten million years of playing in them would never be enough for him! He always get's so mad when we leave! Hopefully not today...
Peace, peace be in my heart. Peace overflow to others. Peace be in our world. Peace be among friends, peace create friends here and internationally. Peace, be here.
This weekend we got to go to Will and KelliAnn's house for dinner. I think it is the first time since Solomons birth, almost two years ago, that we have gone to comeone's house for dinner who also has a child, or at all really (dad's house not counting). (Maybe once or twice, but I can't think of any really). It was SOOOO nice! Solomon did whomp poor 9 month old Kaitlyn on the nogging twice but other than that it was quite nice. We had a yummy dinner and I made the best brownies on the planet with the best frosting EVER!! It was just an all around good time. We kind of felt like adults again :)
In the oven right now, is a coffe cake from Jessica Seinfeld's Deceptively Delicious cookbook. It looks fantastic, and in 30 mins we will see how it tastes. It has buttternut squash in it. I hope it's good!
Solomon and I are going to the library today for a tiny bit. He always freaks out there whenever I take him because there are these fountains there, with tons of kiddo's playing in then, and it seems as though ten million years of playing in them would never be enough for him! He always get's so mad when we leave! Hopefully not today...
Peace, peace be in my heart. Peace overflow to others. Peace be in our world. Peace be among friends, peace create friends here and internationally. Peace, be here.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Funkdified!
Fink Funk Funk... That is me at the moment. I don't know how to shake it. I really want to get to a better place emotionally but I seem to get like this every few weeks or so. I just become suddenly launched into overload, emotionally, physically and any other possible way that I could get overloaded. Several things are taking place within me...
First is my lovely child who has been a but of a hellion lately. I try so hard to be patient with him, explain things to him, respect him as a person, and give and give and give my whole self to him. Well this week, it seems it's not enough. EVERYTHING is a knock down drag out fight. Everything is "NO" and fit after fit...screaming flailing tantrums. Example: "Solomon, come help momma pick up your toys please." "NO" I get up, go over, pick him up to standing, "We don't tell momma NO, we get up and come when momma tells you to." I walk him over to the toy area and he drops to the floor and kick and phoney bologna cries about. I tell him we don't act that way but he continues to refuse helping me put his stinking cars in their home so I break down into tears because I have just had it. I scoop up all of his toys and take them to a place that he can't get to and just say, "Since you wont help clean your toys up, you cannot play with them anymore today." I didn't handle it the best way. I didn't know what to do. The whole day had been chalked full of these situations and I just lost it emotionally. Will walked in the door at 9pm and I said, "Does anyone you know want a little boy????" jokingly of course (well sort of) But I have no help, no babysitters, no assistance, its just me and Solomon so I do get these choking moments...where I just need out...only for an hour or so but with Will's schedule it rarely happens.
Another issue is image. Yesterday was a particularly horrifying day. Everytime I walked my the mirror I just bawled my eyes out. I still cannot accept what my body has become since having Solomon. I have been working my butt off at the gym (well I took a week or so off but before that) doing 60-90 mins a day of intense cardio with what seems to be no results. I hate what I see. This saggy kangaroo pouch that is now my stomach has got to go! I just feel defeated, like a complete failure. Why can't I just complete this task? I need to lose 30 lbs. And note to self, avoid at all costs (although I can't think of much I could have done differently) gaining 60lbs during a next pregnancy!!!! AHHHHH...I'm a weepy mess. I hate weigth, I hate food, but msot of all, I hate feeling unlovable because of my appearance...this brings me to my next issue.
I am toiling with the issue of having a little girl. I don't know that I will have a girl but if I did, I seriously question my ability to mother a little girl. I have very unhealthy self-esteem and I never want another girl on this planet to feel this way...much less accidentally raise a child to feel the same why. I have just started reading "Captivating" so maybe that will have some insight for me.
I know in a week I will feel better. (My mom is home for the week...that always makes everything harder. Seeing as how we live in her guest house!!!) My mom and I have had a huge fight every day this week, so that is a blast. Nine months until we move...nine months until we move...I just keep repeating that. I miss Will. He is gone constantly...I curse that school!!!! Why do they steal him from me!!!?!?!?! Not fair. Again, nine more months! I will finish this season out...and begin a new chapter. I cannot wait.
I am trying to be strong. I just feel lonely and defeated. This too shall pass...of this I am sure.
First is my lovely child who has been a but of a hellion lately. I try so hard to be patient with him, explain things to him, respect him as a person, and give and give and give my whole self to him. Well this week, it seems it's not enough. EVERYTHING is a knock down drag out fight. Everything is "NO" and fit after fit...screaming flailing tantrums. Example: "Solomon, come help momma pick up your toys please." "NO" I get up, go over, pick him up to standing, "We don't tell momma NO, we get up and come when momma tells you to." I walk him over to the toy area and he drops to the floor and kick and phoney bologna cries about. I tell him we don't act that way but he continues to refuse helping me put his stinking cars in their home so I break down into tears because I have just had it. I scoop up all of his toys and take them to a place that he can't get to and just say, "Since you wont help clean your toys up, you cannot play with them anymore today." I didn't handle it the best way. I didn't know what to do. The whole day had been chalked full of these situations and I just lost it emotionally. Will walked in the door at 9pm and I said, "Does anyone you know want a little boy????" jokingly of course (well sort of) But I have no help, no babysitters, no assistance, its just me and Solomon so I do get these choking moments...where I just need out...only for an hour or so but with Will's schedule it rarely happens.
Another issue is image. Yesterday was a particularly horrifying day. Everytime I walked my the mirror I just bawled my eyes out. I still cannot accept what my body has become since having Solomon. I have been working my butt off at the gym (well I took a week or so off but before that) doing 60-90 mins a day of intense cardio with what seems to be no results. I hate what I see. This saggy kangaroo pouch that is now my stomach has got to go! I just feel defeated, like a complete failure. Why can't I just complete this task? I need to lose 30 lbs. And note to self, avoid at all costs (although I can't think of much I could have done differently) gaining 60lbs during a next pregnancy!!!! AHHHHH...I'm a weepy mess. I hate weigth, I hate food, but msot of all, I hate feeling unlovable because of my appearance...this brings me to my next issue.
I am toiling with the issue of having a little girl. I don't know that I will have a girl but if I did, I seriously question my ability to mother a little girl. I have very unhealthy self-esteem and I never want another girl on this planet to feel this way...much less accidentally raise a child to feel the same why. I have just started reading "Captivating" so maybe that will have some insight for me.
I know in a week I will feel better. (My mom is home for the week...that always makes everything harder. Seeing as how we live in her guest house!!!) My mom and I have had a huge fight every day this week, so that is a blast. Nine months until we move...nine months until we move...I just keep repeating that. I miss Will. He is gone constantly...I curse that school!!!! Why do they steal him from me!!!?!?!?! Not fair. Again, nine more months! I will finish this season out...and begin a new chapter. I cannot wait.
I am trying to be strong. I just feel lonely and defeated. This too shall pass...of this I am sure.
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