Monday, March 10, 2008

Tragedy, Food, and Lamenting

I have a friend that I grew up with, Charlene. We went to school together for a good bit and then her and her family moved about 15 minutes away and she went to a different high school. In 7th grade, my parents went through a nasty divorce, I started battling eating disorders, depression/ anxiety, severe social anxiety, and a whole slew of sadness. She gave me the most profound advise that I have ever been given and I have never forgotten it. She and I recently met up and got to catch up. She is happily married and an English teacher. She has been trying for a few years to have children. Recently she got pregnant, it ended up being a ectopic pregnancy, her tube burst and she literally was moments away from death. The emergency surgeon saved her life miraculously. I remember her telling me this story...telling me how hard it is every month to take a negative pregnancy test, how she was so relieved to see her mom walk in the door as she was quickly stepping closer to death in that ER...she told me that she looks forward to having kids, even though she will have to work, because her sweet mom will be able to take care of her children...On top of all this sadness, she was dealing with nearly losing her father to Lead poisoning, but thankfully now he is recovering...and her little brother is battling a tragic heroin addiction. The worst part from me, is that I remember distancing myself from her a bit when I started going through my own trials, as a young teen, because her family "had it all". They were just the happiest bunch, not perfect, but just looked like they had so much fun together...

Last night, I got home from dinner with Will and Solomon, and was met by a neighbor who said, "Amber, Christine Beal suddenly passed away... Christine is Charlene's mom. The tears are pouring down my face right now. I haven't seen Christine in years...but I have many many memories with her...she took me to school every single day. I spent 60% of my "at home time" in her house...I spent countless nights under her roof...I just cannot believe this. It's so unfair. Why her? After all this family has been through...why this? I just don't know what to say or do...I feel like I should do something...I couldn't even call her last night. I sent her a text today just saying that I was so sorry, that I don't know what to so or do but am willing to do anything if she needs it. Is that terrible? I am so sad...lamenting...I can hardly focus...I hardly slept last night just thinking of this...It's just horrible...horrible...why do things happen like this? To people who are so lovely. I have been studying Ecclesiastes this month...talking about how the righteous suffer and the fools prosper, and it's all so meaningless...meaningless, sad...nothing can even come close to touching the depths of my grief...

Solomon has been boycotting food lately. He has eaten close to nothing in the last week or so...darn his eye teeth...poor little boo. I just needed to rejoice a little bit, because today for breakfast he ate almost an entire chicken, apple w/maple sausage, a fourth of a wheat less blueberry/raspberry muffin...I am so thankful...and last night at dinner he ate some broccoli, chicken breast, and some pasta w/sauce. I'm so glad...he is getting so stinking skinny.

I don't know how to end this...perhaps with the advise Charlene gave me in 7th grade..."Amber, even though you think people never see the good you do, know that it is seen...and you will be rewarded another matter how much you don't feel it, you are seen and what you do is recognized."

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