Thursday, June 12, 2008

Tough

I'm having a tough day. Argh!!! I think my toddler traded in his listening skills (as if they ever existed) for more testy energy. It's been hard to do anything "fun" lately because he has been such a stinker! I am not the mom who tells her child no to everything, in fact, I think I'm pretty laid back. This is why I feel like he should listen the few times I tell him to cut it out!!! He answers me "ok" and "yes momma" to everything and either just ignores what I say and does it anyway or is to tempted by what ever it is I am pleading that he NOT do that he just MUST do it! I don't know which one it is. I just always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, like I'm going to ruin him, clueless as to conquer this "mothering" task. I need answers!!! A magic pill perhaps??? :)

Which makes me sound crazy when Will and I talk about trying for another baby soon...huh? I can hardly care for one, why are we thinking this???? :) I'm not exactly sure but I really wish we could try like, oh, tonight! I am still carrying around 25 lbs of pregnancy weight (I know I know, he's 2...I'm depressed enough about it ok?!) and I'm terrified of gaining 50-60 lbs again and already have this 25 lbs still here. I fell like it would really push my emotional fragile self esteem over the not-so-good edge. Well then that makes me upset because if we want a baby, why does there have to be stipulations (my own). We should just be able to have another baby! I don't know. I don't think I'm even making sense...another reason why waiting is probably a good idea!

Financially everything is so up in the air. We are planning on moving back to PA in January after Will graduates. It's going to cost a lot to move from CA to PA but in the long run, it will be LOTS cheaper. Then, people keep letting me know that if I were working, and putting Solomon in daycare, our financial situation would be a lot more bearable. Well I can't find a babysitter to get acupuncture done, for an hour, exactly how I am supposed to find someone to watch him while I work a full time job...hmmm...you got me!

SO many unanswered questions and I certainly am not good with the unknown...I guess I just have to be brave and trust, 2 things that I really have no idea how to do...I guess all I can do i ask for strenght and know that if I really want it, it will come.

2 comments:

jennainthesky said...

Have another baby now!!!

KelliAnn Christensen said...

I was so excited when I read this post last night that I told Will and then forgot to leave a comment. Well, I wasn't excited that you had a hard day (so sorry about that), but I was excited to think of you having another baby. I really agree with you that it takes a lot of faith, but I promise it will all work out if it feels like the right thing.