Saturday, May 3, 2008

In His Image

Well I have dealt with, almost my entire life, terrible self-esteem issues. I still have them and they torture me everyday, some times every moment. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and a terrible body image. Sometimes I am too anxious about people in public seeing this "unlovable me." Sometimes I weigh myself 30 times a day. Sometime it wakes me up at night and I just ponder my "ugliness and worthlessness" for hours. I know that it isn't logical and I know it is a terrible terrible place for me to be...nevertheless...its here...ever present.

Yesterday, my sister and her boyfriend went to the park with Solomon and I. Her boyfriend left his sunglasses over by the swings and so he ran back to get them. April was wearing shorts (and has a hot rockin' bod in my opinion...I'd LOVE it!!!) and she kinda freaked out a little bit and turned around to face me (I was behind her) and stopped saying, "Wait, I don't want him to see my cellulite!!! PLease stop walking and lets wait for him so he wont see it." I wanted to cry. All I said was, "Oh April stop don't have are beautiful! Ugh!!!" I mean that. I wanted to cry knowing that those obsessive thoughts were going through her head. It made me sad. And I meant what I said!! She is beautiful JUST HOW SHE IS. I hear that...but in my case I think people are lying and I never believe it.

It's a tragedy that I do not know the solution to. I felt this way before my body morphed into a post pregnancy kangaroo pouchy ball of blub (there I am putting myself down again). So to me, the answer is just unknown...I don't know where to start, much less how to finish...but I will say that if I could take away/take on on my sweet sisters poor image thoughts...I would do it.

Our SexLove&Money study gave TONS of stats abotu body image and weigth issues on a slide show before we started it. Here were some of the stats: (I might be a TAD off on the exact percentages but just a TAD)
-80% of girls/woman or more terrified of getting fat than, nuclear warfare or losing thier parents.
-8 years ago, the average age in girls for "dieting" was 13. Now it is 9.
Darn, there were so many other good ones...I will write them down tonight at church and post more later.

Image...aren't we created in HIS image? Maybe I don't even remotely understand what that means...I don't know...there has to be an answer to this. Women, least of all, little girls, should NOT have to live like this! I know there is hope...I jsut know it.


KelliAnn Christensen said...

Oh, Amber! I hate it when people say they know exactly how you feel, but really in a little tiny way, I think I do. I am so sorry!! I have been thinking and thinking if there is something I could say or do that would help, but I don't know. Lots of times people would make me feel worse while trying to make me feel better, and I don't want to do that! And I don't know how it is that I am not in that awful place anymore--I really don't. It's like it slowly got a little better. Now this is not helping is it. :) Are we still on for pedicures on Saturday? Will is going to play tennis that morning, but maybe around two?? I'll call you tomorrow probably after I talk to him again. This is one long comment! Know that I love you!!!!!!

jennainthesky said...

I sympathize with you completely on this unfortunately. I have such compulsive thoughts like this and try to hard to stop but of course it never does. I will be praying for your esteem. Love you friend.