Wednesday, April 9, 2008

A Little Low

So, I am in a place at the moment, well perhaps not at the exact moment, but lately, I have been in a low place. I'm trying hard, to be so many things for so many people, including myself, and I am failing at all of them. I am feeling reclusive, anxious, constant sadness... I want to be brave, power through it...but I just don't feel like I have the strength. A lot of the issues are stemming from my self esteem and self worth (or lack thereof) issues. Ironically enough, we just started a new series at church on Song of Solomon called SexLove&God (if you can listen to the study titled True Beauty, you MUST! it's life changing)...let's just say that I was heaving throughout the entire service with my mouth covered and my nose running down my face. (thanks to the man who brought me an entire roll of toilet paper).

I don't like failing at things, but I just feel like a total failure. I never thought I would be a good wife (Will knew this, but chose to carry on with marrying me) but I, at least, thought I would be a decent mom. But I just don't feel like I am. I always feel like I am several steps behind on what Solomon needs. It is terrible hard just blindly trying to be a child's mother. did this happen? I mean, just when I think I have "figured him out," he has completely changed his whole self...ahhh...whats a mother to do? We have finally calmed down a bit but for 2 weeks there I just didn't have a CLUE what to do. I was feeling like he was totally asking for boundaries but I didn't know how to give them to him in a way that he could actually keep/obey them. We have started a "time out" that requires Solomon chest to chest with either Will or I, held tightly, the more he resists the closer we hold him. It really works well for us, I mean, Will and I actually feel incontrol. We never really felt "in charge" because he would just run away from us in regular time outs and crack up like it was a game. So yes, this has helped me feel like I am a little bit more in control of my life and feel a little more like a mother, instead of that babysitter who doesn't have a clue what she is doing. So that is definately a good thing.

Well...I am just trying to make a few decesions, work through lots of issues...I am just begging that God hold me close, because I need guidance and care from the Only One who completelyu understands the pains of my soul...

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