I always find myself ending the day in what feels like defeat. I just seem to be sad and I want to be rid of it. So many things are making me feel...weary, I suppose is the word. I want so much more out of myself. I am just becoming of tired of wanting something, more than ANYTHING, and not being able to achieve it. The state of my emotional heart has been so wishy washy...tearing at everything...I can't make up my mind, or I think I have...then I recant...how can I just rise above and rest in the love that is fully mine, knowing that He will take care of my needs if only I would tap into the goodness and blessed assurance that He is.
I keep feeling like I want another baby. We can't at the moment...for an entire slew of reasons. Wills in school...he graduates in December but I just wish it were tomorrow. We are "renting" from my mother in what I call a glorified cupboard...it's true. Solomon will be 2 in June and he is still in out room...which I love, but having a room to live in, its been complicated to say the least. I want space. I want a kitchen. I want a home... We have been married for 3 years in May and I just want to feel separate from everyone else...just the three of us. December is close...just seems a little far at the moment. Can I handle another child? I mean, can I truly handle it? I constantly beat myself up over failing Solomon...always feel like I have to be perfect. With two, there is so much more beating up to be done I am sure. I am so happy with him...he truly is the rowdy, rambunctious, wild little boy that I always dreamed of. Should I just be content with just him and I? So much guilt... I need to be freed from it. It tackels every area of my life...I need to find freedom. So wait, Im getting lost here...oh yes, baby...space is an issue. Do I want to be pregnant when we make the long move from LA to Pittsburgh? Don't think so. We will have space then...ahhh...but Will doesn't know that he wants another child. He wants to have a decent practice before we try again. Space, Will, money, and the big thing... the weight. Ugh...I still have these last 20 lbs hanging on for dear life from Solomon...I HATE it...the deformity that has become my body after pregnancy, its an atrocity. I am just so unhappy in my own body... The change seems logical...but the more sad I become over the issue, the harder it become to conquer the beast.
I am seeing more and more the need to "get out of myself." I don't know exactly what that means but I think the key to the state of my emotions is just to let go, focus on selfless giving, to others, because when the focus is off of my self, I can begin to focus again. Freedom from teh guilt, the sadness, the unhappiness with my body will become an after thought and somehow the strength will arise to love the way God commanded me.
So many great things I have been learning in the books of John...the key is walking like Jesus...as simple and complex as a single thing can me, it is indeed the key. It is possible...I know that with my entire weak heart. I want to start tomorrow claim the possesion of the ability to walk like him... It is my purpose and it will give me purpose all in one glorius faithful moment.
Oh...help me to keep sight of the love that has been lavished on me so that I might be the fulfillment of what my potential allows...thank you God...for that power...