Friday, March 13, 2009

A Little Girl...

This pregnancy has flown by in so many ways. With Wills graduation, our cross country move and pretty much the busiest little toddler on the planet, all of a sudden, this little girl is almost here. I have struggled in ways that I didn't with Solomon. My emotions have been off the charts...so many rough days, major struggles with anxiety, depression and anger. I have also really been dealing with attaching to this baby. I have a lot of fear about mothering a little girl. I haven't been able to get very enthusiastic about this baby and I'm already feeling mommy guilt because of it. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother and I don't know what a mother/daughter love feels like. I say that for no other reason than my mom isn't capable of offering me that and that is just what it is...I have come to grips with that and we function accordingly. But I want more for my own daughter. I want her to feel as if she is the light of my life. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to feel beautiful. I want to be someone she can count on. I know I will fail at all of these many times but I at least know that this is what I want for my daughter.

There are a lot of things that make me nervous about having a little baby again...especially a girl. All of the things I have been feeling have been overshadowed by everything that is going on...and I have been feeling so much anticipation of having my sister come and live with us this summer that I am trying to just stop thinking of the negative things.

This little girl moves at least as much as Solomon...but I think a little more. At first (because Im such a darn pessamist) I just kept dreading having two wild children :). But one night I was just basking in her movement...and I really felt like God just picked me up and reminded me how this all started. It was purely His doing that this baby came down to us. And I knew knew knew that there was a baby waiting to come down to us...I could feel this child beckoning to us and was really disappointed that we didn't really try hard enough to get pregnant...I was THRILLED when I found out it had been enough...and then when I found out we were having a girl, I began to second guess what I had felt... All of that to say...as she was thrashing around within me, I was reminded of those feelings from the very beginning...I was reminded that our family needs her and she needs us...we are a perfect fit for the other and I found such a peace about that.

We really enjoy our midwife and are hoping that our birth goes smoothly. Again, I am not really nervous and I feel more prepared for this birth that I did with Solomons...although I felt the same way before Solomons birth too haha. It is really nice having a health care professional who cares about what you want and actually cares about the health of your baby too...doesn't just spend every prenatal visit trying to figure out if something is wrong with the child or not. I feel bad for new moms. SO many mothers are scared in to doing things, whether by doctors, family or other moms...and they don't have to be. Christy is an avid voice for midwifery and mothers trusting God with their bodies...but she brought up a good point. Often ones faith in God kinda flies out the window during birth..."I can't do it" "My body doesn't work" "I don't do pain" and the truth is, apart from emergency cases (which we are lucky to have medical technology in those cases) God created our bodies to do this...he creaeted us for this...we work...our bodies aren't disfunctional whimpy nothings...they are strong powerhouses that are capable of giving our children everything they need from the very beginning. I don't say this with judgement or with eyes looking down on anyone...but I do think it is a scary time when we start putting more trust in man made medicine. One thing that I love about things like Chinese Medicine, Chiropractic Medicine, Midwifery...is that it IS scriptural...Jesus himself practiced putting his hands on people and the power that the body has to restore and heal itself. It is encouraging to me. I have become some who basically doesn't trust the medical community at all...apart from emergencies (stitches, broken bones, real emergencies) because it has done nothing but make me sicker and unhealthy. As a mother, I wont have someone tell me what I HAVE to do in my birth...the tests I HAVE to have, the monitoring that I HAVE to have, the pointless IV's stuck in my arm for NO REASON, the ridiculous tests they want to perform on my newborn, the gunk they want to throw in my babies eyes, and the toxic waste they want to fill my babies bodies...I am their mother. God gave them to me. I am fully equppied to birth them and care for them and I will decide what goes in/on their bodies...not you!!! Again this isn't emergencies Im talking about...because that is where medicine has its place...but not in our every day lives. It does nothing but make us sicker. I am thankful for the choices I have...and hope that I always make the right ones.

Solomon seems to be bonding with his sister. And oh how sweet it is. He knows she lives in my belly for now...although he thinks more along the line of "in my belly button." He talks to her and hugs her and it is just the sweetest thing. The other day he was in the bathroom with me as I was about to shower. I had my clothes off and he looked and ran to me..."MY BABY!!!!" he said and grabbed my stomach. It was SUPER sweet. Two days ago we were napping and he woke up a little early for my liking so I just layed there with my eyes clothes. He started rubbing my face with his silky blanket (which is a rare treat because NO ONE touches his blanket). Then he lifted up my shirt and started rubbing it on my my stomach. I thought it was sweet...but I melted when he wispered "I just love my sister very very much." Awwwww...seriously...too much. I can't wait for him to meet her. It is going to be the sweetest thing ever.

We have everything but ONE box unloaded now, thanks to Aprils visit. (49 more days until she comes back!!!) So now we can start hanging things on the walls and really getting ready for this baby...its exciting and a whole gammet of emotions...pray for us as we prepare...

5 comments:

Elena said...

Amber, I love your heart so very much and miss you terribly. I hope moving closer to you is in our near future. If you're half the Mom to this little girl that you are to Solomon then she'll be one lucky baby.

Amber said...

Thanks E...you made me cry!!!

suburban hippy mama said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and had to comment...hope you don't mind! I, too, have never had a very "healthy" relationship with my mother...but I now have twin girls. The idea of mothering girls, at first, was "scary" but it is one of the most amazing things about my life! I try to be the mother I never had and always wanted...good luck to you and your family.

Robert and Hannah said...

I can't wait for your little girl to get here!! <3

KelliAnn Christensen said...

Those stories about Solomon and his baby sister are too, too sweet. What a special relationship they are going to have (well, and already do, I guess). I loved reading this post. I have been wondering about you pregnancy-wise. I loved the special moment you had that night when you were reminded that God has a plan for you and your family. :)