Thursday, April 24, 2008

Honored To Know Her

I have been more than a recluse lately. Its been an interesting time and I just don't know how to relate with the world at the moment. I almost feel like I have no where to go and even if I did, the last thing I want to do is sit and rehash everything. But I am going to try to get a little out here...hopefully it works.

My gramma died one week ago Tuesday. It was a horrificly painful process to watch and see and experience. She has been a step away from death, so it seemed, for 3 years now. Minor heart attacks everyday, MD's saying "take as much morphin as you want" because she was just that close. She was an inspiration to everyone who knew her, being so sick and still making it to her bolwing team two times a week, still bending over backwards for everyone she knew. Even as she was slowly starting to forget things, people, important dates, you just knew that her endless love and self sacrifice was still there...dispite the glossy look that came over her eyes. It was hard for me to spend time with her. She would get so frustrated if she would forget and I just hated seeing her like that. I didn't see her much lately...but I don't feel guilty about that. She knew how much I loved her and how thankful I was/am that she was SUCH a MASSIVE part of my life. The funeral was harder to get through than I thought. I thought, because she was in so much pain, that I would feel a sense of relief for her, she is finally in heaven and the feet of God, where she wanted to go...yet somehow, I was still stuck with grief every so often, having trouble sleeping. When we walked into the church I saw her beautiful pictures and casket and I just started to cry. My dad got up and spoke through tears, my aunt Laurie spoke through tears and then Adam sang the song he wrote for was hard...really hard.

My mother in law is here visitng so it has been a bit of a hectic few days. Solomon and I both came down with colds and had to stay home from Disneyland yesterday which is terribly sad. He is still congested but I am feel tons better...THANK YOU ACUPUNCTURE!!! I think we will have a nice visit. She is here for a week and its nice to have her here.


KelliAnn Christensen said...

Oh, Amber, you are making my heart ache right now. What a great woman your gramma was (is, really, I guess). You said some very beautiful things in this post that touched me. Thank you. And I love you.

Amber said...

Thanks K!! I love you too!!