Christmas Photos With JenBeasley.com

Nuts

Learning how to cope with my life right now is a challenge to say the least. I cannot even begin to put into words the amount of stress I feel drowning me right now. I have been struggling so terribly with managing my emotions right now, which are, to put mildly, completely out of my control. This feeling is just terrible. I feel weak and sad and lonely and grumpy and tired and severly anxious. Yesterday, was definately the worst day Solomon and I have ever had together. I was a horrible mother (which is something I never thought I would be calling myself so often) and took every out of control emotion out on my sweet 2 year old son. (In my defense, he really was being far from sweet for awhile.)

You see, we sold Wills car and he works every day so he has been taking the car. Yesterday, he had the car, both of my strollers in it and it was really cold outside so Solomon and I were both feeling extremely pent up and frustrated with the other. If I would have been thinking clearly (I am fighting off depression everyday...this pregnancy and its hormonal changes are just really tearing me up...in fact, I wouldn't said I'm suceeding in the "fight") I would have seen Solomons frustration and taken care of it, however that might have been, instead of taking all of MY frsutration out on him. Gosh, Im still crying overe my behavior today. I lost my temper, disciplined out of nothing but angry, yelled and was not ever near "gentle" with him...gosh. Its terrible. Usually we work with gentle discipline and I totally and completely failed yesterday. I finally just had to walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I cried and cried. My heart was racing and I was shaking because I was so upset, slightly with Solomon, mostly with myself. I just sat down a cried and breathed for a minute. Solomon was at the door crying..."Momma are you sad? I'm sorry!! PLEASE hold me Momma." So of course I opened the door and held him and we talked about how we were both feeling angry. I called Will and we talked. I realized I was having a really bad anxiety attack but its been a while since I had had one so I didn't recognize it right away. Will talked with me, I did some breathing and then I came down a bit and started seeing things a little more rationally.

Solomon was still acting extremely testy but I became the calm time out natzi...I kid you not, he probably had about 30 time outs yesterday...but his behavior drastically changed. He was really listening well and talking kindly and obeying...I was really proud of him. He is, over all a wonderful angel of a child, but we have out days. I totally blame myself for yesterday and it didn't help that my out of balance behavior disrupted his centeredness, but doing a bazillion time out really helped him center himself and get back on track. We both did.

Solomon is extremely sensitive to peoples emotions and he kept asking me the entire day, "Momma are you happy now? Are you frustrated? Are you sad?" It was a great opportunity for us to talk more about emotions and for me to talk about how I had mishandled the day.

Today, needless to say...we tok Will to work and had the car...so we went to Target and looked around...and then met up with my sister...Now we are home, about to each lunch, and then we will nap.

I literally felt like I was going nuts yesterday. I HATE those days.

Just Call Me The Wife Of Dr William Cole...

Yesterday, my amazingly brilliant husband graduated...I haven't the slightest clue just how amazing it felt to him, but for me, the day was a wild array of incredible emotions.

First of all, I haven't mentioned this on here before, but Will's parents decided not to come. Will said he was OK with that, but I was crushed...for him. He has worked SO hard for the last 7 1/2 years and it made me sad that they couldn't be there. I kept tearing up all day thinking of the fact that they didn't come.  We really missed having them here.

We got all ready and headed off to Will's school. Solomon did EXCELLENT. I was truly amazed!!! We brought lots of snacks, MACK from Cars, paper and pen, Uncle Aaron's lego cars, and Aprils boyfriend Brian was there...so he was set with everything his little heart could have ever wanted.

The processional began and tears welled up instantly. Jen said to me right before the ceremony, "Remember when you found out you were pregnant with Solomon, you said 'I am going to have a TWO YEAR OLD when Will graduates!!!!' and now here you are...?" It was so surreal. I saw Will heading down the aisle in his gown and I felt the crying coming...not just a few sobs, but the UGLY cry!! I managed to suck most of it down, but I did let out one heinous gasp/sob. I just couldn't believe it. He was done. He is a doctor!!! Life is taking a whole new and exciting turn for us. I was beaming with pride. I couldn't have been more proud of him.

I was so nice for me to finally be able to see every one of his classmates. These are all people that I have heard about for the last, nearly 4 years, and I got to put a face to every name, meet Wills friends families, and spend time with some of our friends that this school has brought to us...it was a wonderful day.

A lot, in fact, most people that RSVP'd for Wills party didn't come. We had SOOO much left over food and it was a little sad because that was going to be the last day that we saw several people... But it was still really nice.

Jen took some awesome photos so I'll be excited to get them up on here...here are some photos from Aprils camera though.

My amazing, brilliant husband, I am SO SO proud of you...there aren't words to let you know just how proud I am of you and how excited I am to start this new journey with you...I love you honey!!!

This is Will getting hooded.

And here are some photos from the party.

The three trouble makers...Will dearest friends Will and Patrick.

Me, Will, Patrick, Will, KelliAnn (who is getting slapped by) Kaitlyn haha.

PEACE LOVE BABY

I realize that I will be starting my SIXTH month in a week or so and I rarely talk about this baby girl. Is it odd that it still doesn't seem real? I mean, my stomach is getting bigger, and I tried to lay on my stomach and got a little mini kick in the gut from her, and I got to see a gorgeous picture of her, but for some reason, it is so hard to believe that it is really happening. Just this week I FINALLY got to start feeling her fluttering around in there. Its really different from my pregnancy with Solomon and I don't know why. I suppose every child is different? I think part of my apprehension to getting super excited is just our up coming move, not knowing where we are going to live, where I will deliver this baby and just all the uncertainties??? Maybe that's it.

It has been really exciting to start feeling her move. I will say, seeing her was quite amazing. It was like a rare form of torture though. They make you drink all that water right before and then poke and prode your bladder, I literally thought I was going to pee on the table!!! I was kinda rushing the lady through because I so desprately needed to use the bathroom!! I still got to enjoy many moments though. We got the sweetest shot of her little feet together, with every toe visible. When we were looking at her profile, she was rubbing her face and sucking with her little lips...that was my favorite part. I got really excited about nursing her!!! I cannot wait to start nursing again!!!

After we found out that she was a girl, we picked up Solomon (Sara watched him while we went...they didn't allow kids!!! boo hiss) and went to update our registry at Babies'R'Us. May I state that it was really difficult? I mean if you don't like pink flowers and you are having a girl, you are pretty much up a creek!!! Thats why, if you look at our registry you will see that pretty much everything is definately brown and green :)


How cute is this room decor???

And this is definately on of my favotire pieces ever!!!!

It's this amazing large canvas wall piece that I am really excited about using...espeically since our children will probably be sharing a room, and Solomon's name means peaceful and perhaps, just perhaps, this baby girls name might have something to do with love? 'S'all I'm sayin'

This weekend is Wills graduation, followed by a fabulous party :) And then the following weekend is our baby shower/going away party...which apparently all of my friends have decided NOT to come to...so thats great...but I'm still looking forward to it...

Anyway...Solomon is vaccuming my head so I guess that means I have been online too long...haha

KAMPALA!!!!

Can I just say that I was looking on my blog reader tracker and someone from KAMPALA, UGANDA was reading?!?!?!?! Ok that makes me MORE than happy...who ever you are, Im SO glad you were reading!!!! How exciting!!! That is my home sweet home in my heart of hearts...wow... :)

December Happenings Thus Far

Our tree decorating was fun...Will took some photos...

And Will and I got to go to a wedding this last saturday. First of all, it was awesome!!! Will and I had SO much fun, the wedding was awesome, the bride was stunning as to be expected. We had to leave around 8 because Jen was shooting our Christmas photos the next morning and we had to be out of the house before 8am. Anyway...here are some pictures from that night...just of us. (and you can see that big 5 month pregnant belly showing its face:))

I'm trying to figure out how to get my pictures of our little girl on her but our scanner is not functioning...boo...and I jsut tried to actually take a photo of the photos and now my stinking camera isn't working...fabulous... oh well...soon I hope :)

Leaving Without You...

My sister is my very best friend in the world...very best. Will and I both would rather be with NO one else other than her and Solomon. She is the most wonderful person ever. She is a fabulous auntie to Solomon. [she watched him this weekend while Will and I went to a wedding and she took SUCH good care of Solomon. She even fed him broccoli for dinner, bathed him, AND text me constantly giving me a play by play, which I LOVE.] She helps us out so much and hangs out with us all the time. She isn't the most emotional person. I think I got a double dose and she got, um, NO emotion. She, most times, has the emotional capacity of a jelly fish...which works well for her most of the time because she just lets everything roll off of her...but there are the other times where she kinda explodes. She rarely cries, I mean almost never. She isn't very affectionate, so of course I always try to hug her and she says ewww and pushes me away haha. She is very mature for an almost 20 year old. She is a wonderful nanny to Rachel and Lauren. She is a great employee at the tanning salon that she works at with Will. She gets all her bills paid, all her school done and is the greatest sister I could have ever wanted...

Last night, her boyfriend, Brian, and her got in a fight so I tried to find out what was wrong. I went into her room and asked if they had worked it out and she said yes. I asked what happened and she said, "I think I was taking out my frustrations about other things on him." I joked, "Awww are you sad were are moving?" And she burst into tears. Her beautiful face got all red and tears were streaming down her face. I went to her bed, of course in tears, because I didn't think she would cry...and it is the WORST thing seeing her cry because you just know, if April is crying, something is REALLY wrong. I put my arm on her shoulder, trying not to be to affectionate and she leaned back into me and and hugged me. I just lost it inside. I tried really hard to be brave. Gosh I can't even begin to articulate how much I am going to miss her, but knowing that she is feeling so my sadness, shatters me.

She is taking all online classes next semester so that she can come out whenever she wants to...she still has the two jobs to work through that she HAS to keep working at because she just bought a new car. BUT...worst case scenario, my dad could always buy it off of her...he's been teasing her about because he likes it so much. She could always come stay with us for a semester or two and then move back...nothing is irreversible about this situation.

Its not that we can't live without each other. Its just that...well its going to be hard. Harder for her I think. All three, soon to be four of us, are leaving. We are only losing ONE of her and that is agonizing. But we have exciting things to look forward to like moving into our own SPACIOUS place, Will getting to start a practice...all she has to look forward to are living alone with my mother...yikes.

I'm really overwhelmed with emotions. I always feel like I'm abandoning her...always. its heart wrenching. Will is worried about her too. He adores her. They are such great friends. He wants her to move with us as much as I do. Every time I move away (always to move back, thus far) I know that she has always felt abandoned. I don't want to do that again.

We talked last night about how as soon as Will starts making money we can at least pay half for her to come out. She can come out whenever she wants to, stay as long as she wants, or never leave...

Oh April...I can't believe I am leaving without you!!!

IT'S A...

Thanks to everyone to voted in the "what are we having poll?"


It's a GIRL!!!! (yes its green and not pink...I'm coming around ok?!?!?) haha

Victimhood and Perspective

A lot has been weighing heavy on my lately...in fact, Im sure that I will not get through this blog without weeping.

I will be the first to admit that I very often put myself in a role of the "victim." My mom is wicked, my husband doesn't stick up for me all the times that I think he should, I have to do without so much, Solomon is extremely active and wears me out and I never get breaks...blah blah blah... Even on this blog, which I use as an outlet of emotional expression at times, it must get a little annoying to read about how "woe is me" I am always feeling. There are people in my life who have this same problem, and I find myself wanting to completely bow out gracefully because I just cannot take it when it seems someones identity is solely a big ol' victim. The truth of the matter is this...everyone has "hard lives" ...but do I? Do we? Bad mom blah blah blah...get over it...move on. Love her despite herself. Build the relationship that you CAN have instead of pinning over what you may never have...because there is a good chance that we may all find ourselves in similar situations in the future...and I know that if I hurt my son, I don't want to be hated...I want to be loved, forgiven, and I need to offer that same thing to my own mother.

Do we have it rough? Of course some people do...but perspective...wow, has that been hitting me hard lately. As people (especially from the West) I think we find ourselves being a little egocentric. There aren't many people who take into account the lives of others, especially those around the world. Sitting and wallowing, as I often do, can be sobered up right quick if you allow yourself to start thinking of others...allow me to give some examples of people in my own life.

When I first visited Uganda in 1999, my dearest (British) friend, Sophie, a nurse, was taking me for a tour in one of the local hospitals. Kiwoko Hopspital is actually a really nice facility considering it's in the middle of the bush. As we wandered around we started hearing the cry of what was obviously a very small baby. We followed her cry and I gasped when we found her. She was in a room, alone, on a woven mat laid on the concrete floor. She was covered from head to toe in bandages that were covered in yellow puss and slime. She was a burn victim, alone, in pain, infected, with no one to comfort and hold her. She couldn't have been more than 3-4 months old. Who knows how long she had be laying there alone and crying. Who knows if anyone would ever come for her. I wept there on my knees. I felt ill and had to go outside to breathe. This was the worst thing I had ever seen....but for this little baby, it was just reality...

Perspective.

I little boy I know, who in 1999, was 8 years old and blind in one eye. He fell several stories out of a mango tree and a branch pierced through his eye and destroyed his optic nerve. He was walking me home one night, holding my hand and I said, "Muyango, are you ever angry at God for Him allowing you to fall and lose your eye site?" His answer just about caused me to faint... "No Auntie Amber. I actually feel that God loves me more than I ever knew...I could have died, but instead, God saved my life and only took away the eye site of one eye." Eight years old folks...

Perspective.

When I lived in Uganda in 2001, I was visiting someone in the hospital and next to me in the childrens ward was a teeny tiny baby girl. Her caretaker was with her. I asked how she was and why she was there... While her mother had been working in the garden, someone had come into her home and raped her 6 month old baby girl. They didn't know if she would live or not.

Perspective.

My friend, Sennyonjo, watched his family murdered by rebel soldiers. Sisters raped and killed. Brother and father stabbed with a machete right before his young 9 year old eyes.

Perspective.

Adrienne, who lost 5 babies to miscarriages, just endured a failed adoption. I've wept for her because I cannot imagine how terrible that feels. It's such a sad story and it really breaks my heart just to think about it.

Perspective.

My lifelong friend, Charlene, after trying to get pregnant for so long, lost the baby and almost died due to a tubal pregnancy...and then not long after lost her mother suddenly.

Perspective.

My sweet, precious friend Abby, on the night before thanksgiving was told that her 6 month old nephew, Noah, had died in his sleep. His mommy, Rebecca, had laid him down for a nap and checked on him periodically...the last time she checked on him he was face down and blue. The paramedics came and tried to revive him but could not. What was it like for her to find her baby in his crib, lifeless, gone, never to cry, smile, laugh again? What was it like to see the paramedics trying to revive him, thinking "of course they will be able to" only to see them fail? What does it feel like every night to know that when you wake up, he still wont be there. How do you explain to their toddler, Emma, that her little brother is gone? How does his daddy, Richard, live everyday without his little baby boy? How did Rebecca watch Noah be taken away to know that he would never be coming back? This is a family that is so close and loving and sensitive and wonderful and I have cried everyday since finding this horrible news out on Wednesday in tears, praying and finding little to no consolation.

Perspective.

Even though I never got to meet Noah, my heart has been broken in a way I had never imagined by this loss. It has broken me and sobered me and put life into perspective for me. It put me into a spiral...thinking of all those JUST in my life who have actual tragedies. Having a mother who makes mistakes and fails me a lot, is NOT a tragedy. Its something to just get over, and move on from. It made me confident that no matter what goes on in most of our lives, we can always find someone who has it much harder. God is my refuge and my strength and in ALL things He is in control. Its really hard to believe when peoples children are being taken from them, and little babies are getting raped and children are starving to death and seeing their parents murdered...why does all of this happen? I can't understand it but I am trying my hardest to pull myself out of all pity parties and put things into perspective...

Life has changed for me...let me never forget it.

Perspective...whats yours?

Snow Days...And Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving... It rained all night last night and has been snowing almost all day. Its been fun. This is the first time that Solomon has been able to play in the snow, and seriously, HE LOVED IT!!! I am SOOOO excited to be able to move to PA for the sole reason that we get to play in the snow often. He has SUCH a blast. As soon as we would come inside, he would want to go back out in the "nnnnooww." He says the S but its this really funny nasaly and it cracks me up every time. We are getting really to eat. I'm excited. I'm actually a little nervous. I have a Dr appt on the 4th and I HATE getting weighed...thanks to this meal, I will probably have gained 10 lbs this month!!!! Anyway...enjoy the picture dump.

Trying to resist the urge...but not quite...ah the fate of a snowman....

This is pretty much the most ho'bunk town I've ever been to. There couldn't have been more than like 500 people living there...if that!!!!