I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.
You are who You are, no matter where I am...
Its hard to call my little tiny rain drop sized issues a storm, but sometimes, it feels stormy. It is hard to feel defeated at the end of the day... Being a wife, mother and child of God is pretty much all I've got going on for me right now. When I suck at that, I pretty much suck at life. I know, I know, its a little dramatic. But I should be able to get through the day with a Michelle Duggar voice shouldn't I? I mean really? I love that woman's tone of voice...but when your one year old poops in her underwear, its hard to keep up that sweet meek talk. Its even worse when I am ALMOST there...its bath time!!!! And today, I blew it. Ugh. Solomon totally calls me out on it to... "Great job yelling mommy...." Thanks Mr. WAY TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!!!!!!
I'm pretty transparent here, because it's my place to do that. I have been clear that I have to truly fight to be strong enough to NOT listen to "the lies" ...and well sometimes I am just not that strong. Today, I feel insecure. Insecure in friendships, as a mother, in my marriage...just inadequate.
This morning started off well. It was sunny and 73 degrees. I took these little beauties outside because, it is Pennsylvania, after all. When the sun is out, you better run out there, as it is likely to be gone in about 7 seconds. Just those few moments of staring at the sun gave me a lot of fuel for the rest of the day, err uhh, till bath time. ha.
The storm came though...it got dark and gloomy and windy. The thunder reminded me that when I couldn't see the darkness, it was still there. On top of really just fighting off the physical effects of the weather, it really is just about making the choice... Do I let the "rain" choke me? Do I listen to the "thunder" and let the fear overtake me?
The storms are going to keep rolling in. The kids are going to be annoying, and I might yell. I am going to see a whale when I look in the mirror sometimes. I am going to worry that my husband doesn't understand me. I am going to fear that I am not a good enough friend.... But where do I go? I can let the floods wash me away. I do sometimes. But I also could steadfastly stand out there, hands raised, knowing that He is who is, NO MATTER where I am, who I am, what I do.
So I finished up the evening with some hardcore batman play with Solomon...and let him know, that yelling, its not nice...and I pray that my life will show him what I need to be doing...
I will praise you in the storm...
3 comments:
You are so bold and brave dear friend. I really look up to you. <3
All that you speak of are struggles for many mothers. I recently heard a friend speak at our women's weekend and she spoke to this issue. She had a very interesting take. She talked about how striving to be a good wife and mother is good, but how it had become an idol for her. She talked about how when she failed, or got frustrated or the kids wouldn't listen, she would get VERY angry and sad and disappointed. She talked about how with guidance from her husband, she came to realize that being a good mom was an idol. Through that realization, she has been able to come to a much better place, and she still struggles with it now.
I thought it as encouraging, and I thought you might too.
The opening title is my favourite song from Casting Crowns and one that gets played A LOT in our car when I feel I am going through it and have screwed up again. You are totally doing the right thing. You are lifting your hands and praising through the storm. You are also making amends with your children straight away and letting them know that you're not perfect and a work in progress.
Be encouraged. You are doing an amazing job. xx
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