Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Beautiful Exchange...

I was driving home tonight and sobbing in the car.  My "inner wound" was infected, if you will.  I have this deep resounding wound of "no one wants me."  I was "picking" at this wound.  Feeling scared, or sorry for myself I guess.  I look around and sometimes it just feels like everyone has their someone.  My friends have better friends, friends they carve out weekly time for, friends they want to be with, friends that they share secrets with...and I always feel like the loser, who is just too much of a pain to "fit in."  I feel like this a lot, so I get that this is primarily MY wound and MY insecurity. 

But....I just want "my person." 

It used to be my sister...but she has another "person" now...so its just me.  Here's the kicker though...I always feel like a burden to people, so it is a rarity, that I would actually "lean" on a person, because I end up feeling so stupid or feeling like a burden.  Its a vicious cycle.  But I do just really want "my person."


Back to my driving sobfest...ha. I was listening to BLASTING my favorite Hillsong cd.  These words were filling my car...

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure
Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in
Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption,
You carried all the blame
Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place
When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
My burden erased
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away
My only desire
And sole ambition
Is to love You just the same
When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
Holy are You, God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

You were near though I was distant disillusioned, I was lost and insecure.  Still, mercy fought for MY attention...You were/are waiting at the door. 
So...am I going to answer?  Now?  For always?  He is "my person."  If I could only remember that.  I just have to choose Him.  Daily, hourly, or like most days, momentarily. 

When only LOVE, could break these chains....
and boy, these chains are something else.  In my foolishness, just when I get ahold of freedom, there I go, running back to shackle myself. I need to choose Love.  There are 1000 tiny choices per day, where I CAN choose love...imagine the transformation in the lives around me if I made 1000 teeny tiny little choices...to choose Love...instead of choosing me.  Whether that be anger, frustration, tone of voice, a sneer...it would be transformational.

My only desire, and sole ambition...is to love you just the same...
Imagine a life...where this were true.  So tomorrow, all mercies are new...I am vowing to try, with His strength, to choose Love...and my sole ambition, is to Love, the same as he Loves me...

I will let you know how it goes...

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