Nuts

Learning how to cope with my life right now is a challenge to say the least. I cannot even begin to put into words the amount of stress I feel drowning me right now. I have been struggling so terribly with managing my emotions right now, which are, to put mildly, completely out of my control. This feeling is just terrible. I feel weak and sad and lonely and grumpy and tired and severly anxious. Yesterday, was definately the worst day Solomon and I have ever had together. I was a horrible mother (which is something I never thought I would be calling myself so often) and took every out of control emotion out on my sweet 2 year old son. (In my defense, he really was being far from sweet for awhile.)

You see, we sold Wills car and he works every day so he has been taking the car. Yesterday, he had the car, both of my strollers in it and it was really cold outside so Solomon and I were both feeling extremely pent up and frustrated with the other. If I would have been thinking clearly (I am fighting off depression everyday...this pregnancy and its hormonal changes are just really tearing me up...in fact, I wouldn't said I'm suceeding in the "fight") I would have seen Solomons frustration and taken care of it, however that might have been, instead of taking all of MY frsutration out on him. Gosh, Im still crying overe my behavior today. I lost my temper, disciplined out of nothing but angry, yelled and was not ever near "gentle" with him...gosh. Its terrible. Usually we work with gentle discipline and I totally and completely failed yesterday. I finally just had to walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I cried and cried. My heart was racing and I was shaking because I was so upset, slightly with Solomon, mostly with myself. I just sat down a cried and breathed for a minute. Solomon was at the door crying..."Momma are you sad? I'm sorry!! PLEASE hold me Momma." So of course I opened the door and held him and we talked about how we were both feeling angry. I called Will and we talked. I realized I was having a really bad anxiety attack but its been a while since I had had one so I didn't recognize it right away. Will talked with me, I did some breathing and then I came down a bit and started seeing things a little more rationally.

Solomon was still acting extremely testy but I became the calm time out natzi...I kid you not, he probably had about 30 time outs yesterday...but his behavior drastically changed. He was really listening well and talking kindly and obeying...I was really proud of him. He is, over all a wonderful angel of a child, but we have out days. I totally blame myself for yesterday and it didn't help that my out of balance behavior disrupted his centeredness, but doing a bazillion time out really helped him center himself and get back on track. We both did.

Solomon is extremely sensitive to peoples emotions and he kept asking me the entire day, "Momma are you happy now? Are you frustrated? Are you sad?" It was a great opportunity for us to talk more about emotions and for me to talk about how I had mishandled the day.

Today, needless to say...we tok Will to work and had the car...so we went to Target and looked around...and then met up with my sister...Now we are home, about to each lunch, and then we will nap.

I literally felt like I was going nuts yesterday. I HATE those days.