Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Spill The Beans

Lately I have had so many things on my mind. I type out (in my head) entire blogs, that are brilliant, I might add, while I'm desperately trying to sleep.

Sometimes my mom really cares about what other people think of her. Here's the catch. She doesn't care if people think she is poor. In fact, she wallows in the pity. A good example? Here's one. She told a huge sob story to my little brother Aaron's friends mom...said they had no money for school supplies and school clothes (the truth of the matter was my dad, had taken him out the week before and bought him TONS of new things...Aaron was completely prepared for school) and she didn't know how she was going to make ends meet. Imagine the horror on 15 year old Aaron's face when said friends mother tells his friend, and his friend gives him $100 of his hard earned cash to purchase the supposed needed items!!! He was livid and was going to give it back...my mom said he couldn't give it back and that he needed to give her the money. Thank goodness he didn't listen though...wow... My point in all this is that I try to find a balance. I do NOT like to tell people about financial struggles but I also don't want to be consumed with what others think. So I have a story, but the reason I tell it is to boast of God's mercy and grace in the life of my little family...

We have been doing a Sermon On The Mount Study at church. It has been really challenging and has moved Will and I to do some things we normal do not do. One of the things that really spoke to us us eliminating lots of our stuff, and giving money away until it was physically painful. We did a lot of that. We knew it was enough when we would have trembling hands and a sick feeling in the pit of our stomach...it hurt! Now I know I have shared that Will is a full time Chiropractic student and we live primarily off of the living expenses part of his school loans. He works part time (aside from the FULL TIME internship he has which pays a whopping $0.00 per hour) and I nanny very occasionally and try to sell things online. When we heard that giving ourselves away was going to be hard and life changing, we didn't understand that to the fullest capacity. We were getting the next loan check on September 2nd. We gave where we felt called, as much as we could...and then we found ourselves with $15 in our savings account and just a matter of time before the last check cleared and our checking account was overdrawn. I was crying. I was so stressed. I didn't know how to suppress my fear. It was a matter of a week but all signs were pointing to us really being in a major hole! So...what now. Will and I had been eating canned soup while Solomon enjoyed noodles with pizza sauce on them and oatmeal for a few weeks now. The fridge, cupboards and freezer and empty. I just felt ill. I called will on August 28th crying hysterically. "We have no money, no food, I have nothing to give Solomon for a snack!!! I can't take this anymore!!" He said, "Calm down. We will be ok...it's not even a week away and then I get my check." I sobbed...no consolation there. August 29th, we get an envelope from Will's mom with his new car registration, insurance proof and the title to his car (it's still registered in PA so she takes car of all that for us)...and a check! Wow...ok...that covered the last check that could clear any day. My sister gets home from work and writes me an early check for her phone bill (she is on my plan)...ok...we can make it to Tuesday. Friends, I cannot tell you how I have fretted this month...the tears I have shed. I had no thought in my head that God would actually provide... Can you imagine? He clothes the lilies, cares for the sparrows, and I cannot even THINK that because Will and I tried to obey what we felt God calling us to do, that God would in turn provide for us...wow. This is where my heart is? It was shocking....shocking. God is so much more than I ever even think He will be. I want to remember this in December if/when we are in this same place...but how? I have never been homeless. I have never been starving. My child hasn't cried himself to sleep in hunger. And somehow, I am arrogant enough to think and I am the one he will let go unnoticed. Oh God, let me remember your faithfulness. Let me trust you...fully.

So much is going on right now, what with the election that is coming up. Things are really on edge for me. I feel very passionate about my convictions, and while it is sad to say, I do not think there will ever be the perfect candidate for me to vote for, there is one this year that FAR out weighs the other. My ideal choice initially on the Republican side was Ron Paul. We still disagreed on a few things but he was a good choice. Obviously, he is no longer a choice for me. But I have made my decision, even more so now that he chose as awesome VP. What I can't understand is why people hate Sen. Obama so much. I watched the open forum at Saddelback church last week. Rick Warren interviewed Sen Obama and Sen McCain and I was just so pleased with what Sen Obama said. He is passionate about his relationship with Christ. He is passionate about caring for "the least of these." He is passionate about getting our country closer to the values it was founded on. He wants to secure our place in the world and try to calm some of the flames that have currently been fanned and fanned again by our current administration. I am elated that he takes no money from lobbyists. (Note: John McCain takes money from lobbyists, namely the AMA, who is the biggest contributor to abortions that there is). The only place that I really disagree with him is on abortion. I wish he were anti-abortion. But even the "anti-abortion" candidate is taking money to vote with/for/however the AMA (thanks to all that campaign money), which thrives because of abortion, so in that area, its a lose lose situation. Why do people hate Sen Obama SO much? I have heard so many people talk about watching Michelle Obama's speech at the DNC (which was AWESOME) , "I hate that woman...I just HATE her!!! I don't trust a word she says." Why I wonder? I cannot figure out why. Michelle Obama comes from a working class family, she is educated, well spoken, and beautiful...maybe that's why she is hated. Barack Obama is kind, he is not quick to anger, he rallies for the "lowly" and he has a plan to get this country out of the crapper. Is that why they hate him? My mom thinks he is evil, inexperienced (cue my chiming in with Sarah Palin having NO resume whatsoever. She has passed one bill as Governor of Alaska for off shore drilling, and her husband works for an oil company...oh and she is anti-abortion...thats her resume) for all I know she probably still thinks he's a Muslim, you know...because of his name...(Barack, an old testament name, he assisted Deborah in delivering the Israelites). But here's the thing...why don't people just DISAGREE with him. Why don't they just disagree with his politics? Why don't they disagree with his proposals...Why hate him? I just do not understand this. Jen and I were talking about how people literally say hurtful mean things if we suggest we are voting for him, which I am? They are acting like John McCain is their dad or something. I disagree with a lot of things that John McCain is for. But I don't hate him. I don't like the things he stands for. But I do not hate him. I just line up what he is for, the money he takes, the stabs he makes at people, the names he calls him wife, the life he is living in the public up, with what I believe spiritually. But my goodness, I don't hate him. I would have never imagined the backlash of a voting choice. Friends send me childish messages like "EWWWW sick!!!" and "You can't be serious" and just really strange things like that. I am responsible for my actions and I am doing what I feel is right...so how is this anyone elses business. I would just never go and seek someone out to tell them how "gross" I thought their choices were...but more than that, why all the hatred? Why? My only guess is this. I was raised in a church that kind of taught that difference was bad and something to look down upon...hate the poor people, hate the non Christians, hate the Mormons or Jehovah's witnesses (slam the door in their faces), hate the democrats, just hate difference... I am thankful that I sought the Scriptures independently, so find that the Jesus who was taught to me is not Jesus at all. The verse that says "I have not come to bring peace, but the sword" (which no, is not to prove that Jesus loves war...research the meaning). And is followed by Jesus continuing to tell people that mothers will hate their child and brothers will hate their sisters, because his message is not loved by the masses, or more specifically by the religious people... So perhaps that is the reason for all the hatred...its the only thing I can think of.

Next on the agenda...

I have been having so much mommy guilt. It is eating me alive. My patience has been non existent lately. I have been doing things that I never thought I would do as a mother. It's interesting what a humbling experience motherhood is. No matter how good you think you will be at it, no matter how many times you think you will not hurt your kids the way your mom hurt you...you are just so wrong. I'm praying that God helps me truly understand that I can tap into His compassion and love and when I completely fail, He is there, just like I am for Solomon, wanting His best for me and ready to move forward.

A bragging moment. We went to a gathering a few weeks ago. There were boys that were at least six months older than Solomon. They were hitting and kicking and shoving and full on punching each other in the face. Solomon, he didn't raise a finger! There were mom's that were hauling off and whacking their kids (for whacking other kids I might add...this one confuses me thoroughly!) and they would just cry their little eyes out, and there goes my little guy...he walks right up to them and hunches down a bit (as if he weren't the same height) and says, "Are you ok?" It was a little traumatic for him. He went home talking about the "mommies hitting". But Will and I were so proud of him. So much of that little boy is just his sweet soul and spirit, which we cannot take credit for. He is just such a gem and is truly caring for other people...it was a wonderful thing to experience.

I must add this...tonight, my sweet sweet Solomon, who always disses me for other people, made my night. My mom asked me tonight if she could put Solomon to sleep. First I said no, simply because he is a routine kinda' kid and it never works but then I felt guilty (Im a guilt-a-holic) so I said she could. Well I made his little bottle and my mom took it and Solomon starts repeating very adamantly, "NOOOO, momma feed bottle, momma rock!!!" SCORE!!! She finally gave up because he didn't want her to touch him!! Which is totally not typical. He doesnt see her a ton so he LOVES time with her!!

There are a few other things that I want to share but can't at the moment...soon to come :)

2 comments:

Corin said...

You and I are SO much alike. This post is like it came out of my head! Hahahaha...

Gosh, the mommy guilt thing, it's like you read my mind. I've been feeling the same exact way lately. Dakota is just completely taking my patience to the absolute limit and some days I just get SO frusterated with her I have to tell her to just leave me alone for a while. I feel so bad. Her two year old phase is in full bloom. But I've had a lot of people tell me three and four is worse! Yike!

Anyway, about Solomon and the other boys...wow, what a testament to your parenting. I thought it was so interesting that the paragraph just before that was about you feeling guilt as a mother, but then his actions have shown what an amazing job you're actually doing.

I couldn't agree with you more about moms hitting their kids then telling them not to hit. ???? That is such backward thinking to me! I once saw a little boy kick another kid and the mom hauled off and smacked him and yelled, "YOU DON'T KICK PEOPLE!" Hmmmmm...

Amber said...

Corin...
Dealing with Solomon lately has been a "Lord help me make it through the next MINUTE" type of phase...and then every five minutes I am asking Solomon for forgiveness because I lost my patience or just forgot that he is just a curious busy little bee...and at the end of the night I am just fighting off beating myself into a mommy guilt coma!

And about the hitting thing ...for me, it would be easy to whack him all the time!!! Honestly, I never thought I would even be tempted but I have spanked his hand a few times (of course followed by complete hysterical tears on my part, Solomon wasn't even phased) simply because I was too lazy to get on his level and speak with him, using our words...not that that's the case for all who spank but a lot of times that is what I notice...parents just fly off the handle and don't even discipline, they just think that whackin a child 5x smaller than them makes them a "tough" parent.

I guess doing out best is all that we can strive for :)