Be Prepared And Thankful.

Today...we did some serious shopping. Some in store, some online.

First of all, we tried to stock up at Trader Joes (which is like 40 mins away!!!) We got lots of cooking supplies, lots of snacks and lots and lots of drinks. I wrote out a few weeks of meal plans because I don't want me, or whoever is cooking when this baby is born, to be scrambling for ideas. Anyway, Will and I both had TWO FULL CARTS!!!! A little embarassing...but our cabinets are bursting at the seams...and God is so so so so so good. We do not deserve this kind of food! Yet we somehow, have it.

Then...I came home and logged into my ebates account and went to town on Target.com babyearth.com and fuzzibunzworld.com (who is, by the way, having an awesome sale on the new one size fuzzibunz!!!)

From Target, I got some curtians, and a few wall hangings for the living room....hoping that they look nice in there.

From babyearth.com I got one fuzzibunz diaper (light pink), 4 3.0 bum genius diapers (white, hot pink, kelly green and light green)and 6 liners.

From fuzzibunzworld.com I for 3 fuzzibunz (orange, red and aqua), 8 liners and some more cloth wipes.

I have a pending order that Will needs to look over with me at yourwaterbirth.com for my birthing pool, hose and nozzle. And another one for a small bucket heater.

Tomorrow I have to go pick up my car seat that matches with Solomons old stroller. it has been discontinued but they are holding the last one for me at the store...woot.

I feel a little sick to my stomach spending all of this money, because we just don't have it...and just when I was about to hurl, Will calls me up to say that more patients signed up for care...YEAH BABY!!!! :) God is so good, all of the time...always...

Solomon is having a really hard time adjusting to NOT being sick. For a solid week, all he did was lay in bed, eat whatever he wanted (which was literally nothing...maybe a snack food here or there) and get pretty much everything he asked for (which again was hardly anything). So now that he needs to start playing again, using his imaginiation, eating meals, listening to us, NOT watch so much TV and not be carried everywhere...he is really meltdown. I feel bad but at the same time its just such annoying behavior and I really want my good listening little boy back. Hs has been a bit of a monster latey. I did have some sick pictures of him...tooo sweet not to post!

Dont mind the barf bowl

Also...did I mention his major head bonking from like 2 weeks ago???? Ok well he was belly laughing like Will and I had never ever heard before. I don't even remember what was so funny but he was just cracking up. Throwing his head back and doubling over...and in the middle of all the joy, he came from throwing his head back to doubling over right on the corner of the coffee table...he had a HUGE egg sized bump instantly on his forehead, and two weeks after he still has a bruise taking up half of his head. It was nasty!!! So anyway, (i think this is the first time that I have mentioned them) but we have these AWESOME neighbors. Lisa and her 8 year old daughter Madalena...and Madalena ADORES Solomon, and he her. So she came over and helped nurse him back to help. It was SOOOO cute.

We also made it out to the Zoo on Sunday, which was so much fun. Solomon had such a blast. It was the coolest zoo trip I've ever been to. The lions seriously roared like you'd never imagine...and the gorillas were pounding their chests. Its was so so so so so awesome. Our last zoo trip as a family of 3 no doubt...

My sister arrives on May 1st...and I have no clue how wonderful that is going to be...but it is going to be AWESOME! :) I cannot wait. We are supposed to have a baby shower on April 18th so hopefully we don't have a birth by then :) haha...especially because my midwife is in AZ till the 14th!!!!

Im thankful for a lot. And I don't say that enough...

Gorgeousness and Stupidness

When is the last time you saw something this gorgeous???

So two little venting items....

Why is it that because a woman is pregnant, people think even rude things are ok to say? While I have to just sit there and nod and grin...

Does it seem fair for someone to say "Wow, you don't even look pregnant!!!"

REALLY??? I DON'T??? Well how do you know I am then??? I might just be a huge fat cow with a BIG 'OL pot belly!!!!!!!!! I LOOK pregnant your fool!!!! UGH!!!!!!

Or how about "Wow, you look ready to pop!!!!"

THANKS!!!!!! Because I wanted to make sure that I look SO large that getting any larger would make me explode!!! Im SOOOO glad you said that...because, you know, I don't know you, nor do I care what you think...RRRAAOOOOORRRR!!!!!!!!!

Keep your mouths shut people...if you want to ask when my due date is and then lie and say "wow you look great!" I can take that...but thats about all I want to hear from your pie hole!

A Little Girl...

This pregnancy has flown by in so many ways. With Wills graduation, our cross country move and pretty much the busiest little toddler on the planet, all of a sudden, this little girl is almost here. I have struggled in ways that I didn't with Solomon. My emotions have been off the charts...so many rough days, major struggles with anxiety, depression and anger. I have also really been dealing with attaching to this baby. I have a lot of fear about mothering a little girl. I haven't been able to get very enthusiastic about this baby and I'm already feeling mommy guilt because of it. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother and I don't know what a mother/daughter love feels like. I say that for no other reason than my mom isn't capable of offering me that and that is just what it is...I have come to grips with that and we function accordingly. But I want more for my own daughter. I want her to feel as if she is the light of my life. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to feel beautiful. I want to be someone she can count on. I know I will fail at all of these many times but I at least know that this is what I want for my daughter.

There are a lot of things that make me nervous about having a little baby again...especially a girl. All of the things I have been feeling have been overshadowed by everything that is going on...and I have been feeling so much anticipation of having my sister come and live with us this summer that I am trying to just stop thinking of the negative things.

This little girl moves at least as much as Solomon...but I think a little more. At first (because Im such a darn pessamist) I just kept dreading having two wild children :). But one night I was just basking in her movement...and I really felt like God just picked me up and reminded me how this all started. It was purely His doing that this baby came down to us. And I knew knew knew that there was a baby waiting to come down to us...I could feel this child beckoning to us and was really disappointed that we didn't really try hard enough to get pregnant...I was THRILLED when I found out it had been enough...and then when I found out we were having a girl, I began to second guess what I had felt... All of that to say...as she was thrashing around within me, I was reminded of those feelings from the very beginning...I was reminded that our family needs her and she needs us...we are a perfect fit for the other and I found such a peace about that.

We really enjoy our midwife and are hoping that our birth goes smoothly. Again, I am not really nervous and I feel more prepared for this birth that I did with Solomons...although I felt the same way before Solomons birth too haha. It is really nice having a health care professional who cares about what you want and actually cares about the health of your baby too...doesn't just spend every prenatal visit trying to figure out if something is wrong with the child or not. I feel bad for new moms. SO many mothers are scared in to doing things, whether by doctors, family or other moms...and they don't have to be. Christy is an avid voice for midwifery and mothers trusting God with their bodies...but she brought up a good point. Often ones faith in God kinda flies out the window during birth..."I can't do it" "My body doesn't work" "I don't do pain" and the truth is, apart from emergency cases (which we are lucky to have medical technology in those cases) God created our bodies to do this...he creaeted us for this...we work...our bodies aren't disfunctional whimpy nothings...they are strong powerhouses that are capable of giving our children everything they need from the very beginning. I don't say this with judgement or with eyes looking down on anyone...but I do think it is a scary time when we start putting more trust in man made medicine. One thing that I love about things like Chinese Medicine, Chiropractic Medicine, Midwifery...is that it IS scriptural...Jesus himself practiced putting his hands on people and the power that the body has to restore and heal itself. It is encouraging to me. I have become some who basically doesn't trust the medical community at all...apart from emergencies (stitches, broken bones, real emergencies) because it has done nothing but make me sicker and unhealthy. As a mother, I wont have someone tell me what I HAVE to do in my birth...the tests I HAVE to have, the monitoring that I HAVE to have, the pointless IV's stuck in my arm for NO REASON, the ridiculous tests they want to perform on my newborn, the gunk they want to throw in my babies eyes, and the toxic waste they want to fill my babies bodies...I am their mother. God gave them to me. I am fully equppied to birth them and care for them and I will decide what goes in/on their bodies...not you!!! Again this isn't emergencies Im talking about...because that is where medicine has its place...but not in our every day lives. It does nothing but make us sicker. I am thankful for the choices I have...and hope that I always make the right ones.

Solomon seems to be bonding with his sister. And oh how sweet it is. He knows she lives in my belly for now...although he thinks more along the line of "in my belly button." He talks to her and hugs her and it is just the sweetest thing. The other day he was in the bathroom with me as I was about to shower. I had my clothes off and he looked and ran to me..."MY BABY!!!!" he said and grabbed my stomach. It was SUPER sweet. Two days ago we were napping and he woke up a little early for my liking so I just layed there with my eyes clothes. He started rubbing my face with his silky blanket (which is a rare treat because NO ONE touches his blanket). Then he lifted up my shirt and started rubbing it on my my stomach. I thought it was sweet...but I melted when he wispered "I just love my sister very very much." Awwwww...seriously...too much. I can't wait for him to meet her. It is going to be the sweetest thing ever.

We have everything but ONE box unloaded now, thanks to Aprils visit. (49 more days until she comes back!!!) So now we can start hanging things on the walls and really getting ready for this baby...its exciting and a whole gammet of emotions...pray for us as we prepare...

Its Time...

I really don't know where to start on here. I feels so foreign to blog. I miss it, so much, but I truely just cannot find the time. Why? Why is that?

It may be because um, we are STILL unpacking. Its taken so long for us to get the guts up to pile on the credit card debt to get enough furniture to actually unpack all of our things...but it is official now...we have all the furniture that we need to store our things OUTSIDE of the boxes. So now we need to finish off the last 8 or so boxes that we have. We also have random things to do like hanging pictures/wall hangings and reorganizing certian things in the kids room and stuff...but I better get a move on' cause Im stinking 8 months pregnant people...how oh how did this happen?

Also, I need a baby shower. its been really hard adjusting financially...and this is pretty person and I HATE when people play the poor card, but my goodness...Will needs patients...and SOON!!!! We sold all of the things we had for Solomon apart from his crib because of our limited space in California, so we have nothing. We have, for the most part, enough clothes (and I DO NOT want anyone to buy us clothes!!!!! Its a major pet peeve of mine) to get us through the first month or so...and we bought a baby bouncer and we have a play gym thing...but thats about it...so baby shower anyone??? ;) Its will all work out

Will is still working for his dad, on salary, that is not that great...it pretty much barely covers our bills...which in a way is good because it means Will has to get his butt out there and market like mad. He is doing a free spinal screening in two weeks so we are hoping that that gets at least a few patients for him. Next weekend he has a Chiropractic training seminar with his managment company in stinking Salt Lake City!!!! So Im alone with Solomon again...from Thursday to Sunday...how sad...Candice, I hope you're ready for some tag-along-ing ;)

Solomon is just a wild man!!! He has changed SO SO SO much. He is just this giant, chatty, brilliant, kid now. He is totally into "bad words." Ok seriously, every five seconds he says, "Mommy, can I say stupid? shut up? kill?" What the heck??? Where does he here this kind of stuff. It drives me insane. He is SOOO impressionable and his memory is impecable!!! He took a drum stick the other day. held it between his pointer finger and middle finger and started "smoking" with it...even tilting his head up as he "blew out"!!!!!! People...he is TWO!!!! I said, "Honey where did you see that." He said, "The man outside the grocery store." Wow...Also, tutoriffic is his favorite word...which in many ways is super cute. He says that whenever he farts..."Mommy, Im tutoriffic..." But the other day (and again I cringe yet kinda laugh cause its SO shocking) he said, "Mommy am I allowed to say 'holy crap'?" My eyes got huge and said, "Um no...that is not a nice word." He shruged and said, "Ok, I will just say 'holy tutoriffic crap'." I do not know where he gets this stuff. They certianly dont say it on Sesame Street, which is about all he watched (at our house at least!!!!). But I have a feeling taht certain teenage aunts and uncles with potty mouths play a big role in that!!!! Its kinda depressing as a mom, because I want to protect him for all the "yucky" things of the world...but I mean if I can't take him to the grocery store without him fully understanding smoking, then I can't really go anywhere...does any one elses kids talk like this???

In other Solomon news...he is so happy here. It is hard being away from loved ones but soooo much of me is so glad that we are here. He loves his room. He loves his house. He loves his yard. The air is soooo clean here...a child that used to have allergies just like me...now has NONE!!!! (neither do I by the way) He loves "the forest", which is pretty much anywhere with trees and sticks...which he is obsessed with collecting. We do actually get to take forest walks...which um is just awesome!!! He is thriving and I truely couldn not be happier for him!

We have a GPS now which I got for my bday...and um I LOVE IT!!!! I can find my way places now...which I am SUPER excited about.

Pregnancy is flying by. Lots and lots of things have been going on within me, emotionally. I am starting to feel kind of uncomfortable in thsi chair though so I will save it for another blog...but here is a picture for the records :)

Oh...did I mention April and Brian are here...yeah I cannot be happier and I DO NOT want to think about next Wednesday when they leave me...and then Will leaves on Thursday...bleck...happy thoughts happy thoughts...

PEACE LOVE BABY

I realize that I will be starting my SIXTH month in a week or so and I rarely talk about this baby girl. Is it odd that it still doesn't seem real? I mean, my stomach is getting bigger, and I tried to lay on my stomach and got a little mini kick in the gut from her, and I got to see a gorgeous picture of her, but for some reason, it is so hard to believe that it is really happening. Just this week I FINALLY got to start feeling her fluttering around in there. Its really different from my pregnancy with Solomon and I don't know why. I suppose every child is different? I think part of my apprehension to getting super excited is just our up coming move, not knowing where we are going to live, where I will deliver this baby and just all the uncertainties??? Maybe that's it.

It has been really exciting to start feeling her move. I will say, seeing her was quite amazing. It was like a rare form of torture though. They make you drink all that water right before and then poke and prode your bladder, I literally thought I was going to pee on the table!!! I was kinda rushing the lady through because I so desprately needed to use the bathroom!! I still got to enjoy many moments though. We got the sweetest shot of her little feet together, with every toe visible. When we were looking at her profile, she was rubbing her face and sucking with her little lips...that was my favorite part. I got really excited about nursing her!!! I cannot wait to start nursing again!!!

After we found out that she was a girl, we picked up Solomon (Sara watched him while we went...they didn't allow kids!!! boo hiss) and went to update our registry at Babies'R'Us. May I state that it was really difficult? I mean if you don't like pink flowers and you are having a girl, you are pretty much up a creek!!! Thats why, if you look at our registry you will see that pretty much everything is definately brown and green :)


How cute is this room decor???

And this is definately on of my favotire pieces ever!!!!

It's this amazing large canvas wall piece that I am really excited about using...espeically since our children will probably be sharing a room, and Solomon's name means peaceful and perhaps, just perhaps, this baby girls name might have something to do with love? 'S'all I'm sayin'

This weekend is Wills graduation, followed by a fabulous party :) And then the following weekend is our baby shower/going away party...which apparently all of my friends have decided NOT to come to...so thats great...but I'm still looking forward to it...

Anyway...Solomon is vaccuming my head so I guess that means I have been online too long...haha

When Baby Makes Two...what do I do???

I'm having a hard time with the fact that Solomon's two and a half years have passed me by so quickly. What have I been doing in this short time that made it zoom past me in what seems like a blink... Just last year, this was him... Now he is THIS.

He is going to be a big brother and I'm just not sure how I feel about that. I am super emotional and very worried about having two kids. There was a lot of favortisim going on when I was growing up and Im terrified of reversing it and always favoring Solomon. My fear gets a lot larger if our new baby is a girl, simply because I just feel like I haven't a clue what to do with a girl. I'm far from girlie, and the worst part is I feel completely incapable of teaching a little girl how to love herself dispite the hatred that this world offers her. I know God will give me the strength but it's a bit daunting. Talking to Candice yesterday, and hearing her sweet Jillian (20 months) ask the sweetest questions about her new little 1 month old brother Gabriel, made me feel a lot beter, and really excited... I really cannot wait for this little one to get here, but it does come with a lot of uncertianty...

I good thing would probably be for me to STOP blogging when I am feeling so hormonal...I feel like all I ever do is complain and rant on this blog... I want it to be a happy place...haha...good luck for the next 5 months I guess!!!

Firsts and Accomplishments.

So much to say. So little time. First of all, the election is over. What an exciting time to be living in...I have always wondered what it felt like to be a slave freed, march with MLK or be present for one of his incredible speeches, to feel the freedom of a woman who had the same rights as men...and while that feeling of incredible freedom will never be felt by me, I get to have been apart of a time where the first African American president was elected. The majority (who voted for Barak Obama) of our country saw no color at all and elected the person they knew to be the best choice to get our nation out of complete chaos. It is exciting to me, emotional, and all together one of the most important (historical) times of my life.A few things to be noted: my mother and most of my family members apart from my sister have a vehement hatred for our new president elect. They thought God would be in control if the McCain/Palin ticket was elected, but now that they were not "God is allowing our country to go through dark dark times." It is a little frustrating to me. I understand that "one issue voters" usually don't understand the importance of a thriving economy, illegal unjust wars started and justified with lies, health care, aid for the less fortunate. But to assume that God is only in control if the winner of a secular contest between two flawed human beings, is who you like the best, is just an abomination to me. For I truly believe and have a confidence in my God, that even if the candidate I didn't vote for was elected that God is and always will be in control. Enough of that...but I am definitely happy that they are over...hopefully people can return to their normal selves and remember what it is to be kind to those who don't always agree with you.

We finally got to hear the baby's heart beat today. I am 14 weeks and I really just thought that we would have got to hear or see something before now...so it was totally surreal to hear that sweet sound FINALLY!!! And with our little Solomon present!! We wanted him to feel apart of it, and not feel frightened or anything. He has really never been in a Dr's office and they can be pretty intimidating, so we told him what was going to happen and told him that the baby's heart was going to sound like a fast "boom boom boom boom"...and for weeks we have been talking about it. It was so exciting. I got to record his reaction. It was so much fun. We have our next appt on the 4th of December...and we have scheduled our ultrasound to find out what we are having (sorry Corin, we just aren't as strong as you hehe) for next month as well.

I'm really loving Ina May's Guide To Childbirth. I loved all of the birth stories so much and they really helped me feel a connection to other mothers who have given birth in their homes surrounded by people who love them, in they way birth was initially intended. I'm feeling much more confident and am hoping that things work out so that we can have the birth that we want...whatever that ends up being. Does anyone have book/movie recommendations for me to help me surround myself in all things home birth????

Our move is in less that two months. I can't believe it. And after 7 1/2 long and hard years full of sweat and tears, Will is FINALLY graduating in FIVE WEEKS!!! Oh I am SOOOO excited for him. I cannot imagine what it feels like to accomplish something like a Doctorate...but I am SOOOO proud of him and all of his hard work.

Solomon has moved into a HUGE language explosion and with that came a (very age appropriate) stuttering stage. Had I not had friends who had gone through the same thing with their 2 1/2 year olds, I would have probably been a freaked out mess. It is supposed to just pass once the child adjusts from speaking in 3-4 word sentences to 7-8 and more word sentences. He is seriously so stinking smart, picks up all the words I DO NOT want him to say, and has the memory of...well...of something with a really good memory!!!

Thats puts us just about up to date I think. I have some more Halloween photos to post...hopefully I can do that soon...

Pregnancy, Aliens and Pirates...OH MY!

Well this is the baby at 14 weeks, which is where we are now. Suddenly, Im back to feeling pretty pukey in the morning and at night. I have been getting, what I lovingly call "the gags" every night. The toilet just grosses me out so much that I have to go outside and just dry heave until it passes. Its not so much fun...and Im really ready for it to be over.

My stomach just sorta popped out this week. I thought I was just piling on the pounds but I weighed myself and I lost a pound so it was just my uterus making itself known. I woke up yesterday morning and it was a hard ball...once I moved around it kinda softened up and sunk back in, but it was pretty cool...I made Will feel it. :) Well he felt it willingly :)

I have been able to nap lately, which is just fabulous news, if you know me at all. I have had, (another self created title) sleep anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have been diagnosed with anxiety before, but handle it really well now (knock on wood)...and am sure that one would say I have insomnia...but for it was just always this anxiety about sleeping. When I was little I was always terrified that I would be the last one awake and then...you know...I'd be awake alone (ok so at 26 years old, it doesn't sound that scary) and that alone would paralyze me in fear. I would lay awake for entire nights occasionally...now its just more of me stressing out about getting into bed early in case I can't fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall asleep. Naps, oh naps just never ever happen...until now. So I am really excited about them. In fact, I look forward to them everyday.

Is it just me or is this election turning people into all levels of aliens? My father-in-law, (who secretly- or not so secretly loves a good debate haha) went nuts when he found out who Will was voting for. The bottom line is we are all adults and we all have rights asBut I just can't wait until next week. The decision will be made, (unless we have a tragic repeat of hanging chads and all that non-sense) and the people who normally aren't so hateful can put the hate into hibernation for at least 4 years...

Solomon is going to be a pirate for Halloween...or was a pirate already I suppose. He wore his costume for days on end, slept with his sword and could think of nothing else. Well Jen came over and was going to snap a few shots of him...but he was a total punk and wanted nothing to do with it. We convinced him to put it on but he was nothing near pleased to be in it...and these pictures of some of the best ones (well actually they are all that I have seen, but I'm imagining they are the best...oh he is just so darn cute!!!)

A New Season Is Upon Us.

At the end of this week, your baby officially enters the second trimester of development. Although only 3 inches from crown to rump and weighing just half an ounce, she looks, well, human! Her eyes have moved from the sides of her head to the front, and her ears are in their normal position. She's also got reflexes--if you prod her, she'll squirm (although you still won't feel it), and her hands and feet respond to stimuli by closing or clenching.

In August, I posted this but little did I know, I was already pregnant...haha. Only for about 24 hours...but thats the way it happened. We had kinda decided, "Well lets just maybe wait..." I was disappointed, sad, even got a little depressed. I felt like it was time for us but we got scared. With our upcoming move, we just didn't know if we could handle it all. I had felt a really heavy presence surrounding me for that entire month...like a soul was beckoning to come down and be apart of our family. I went to see Dr Yu, who is the most amazing acupuncturist in all the world. (She is the amazing Dr who told me I was pregnant with Solomon a week after we conceived him...and not long after, told me it was a boy...so she's fabulous!! Not to mention she cured my life long asthma and allergies.) Dr Yu said, "Well, I'd say you're pregnant...and I'd say it's a girl!" (Im still pulling for a boy which is what the Chinese Calendar says...but of course will be happy with either) I have to say...I took a few negative tests before I finally got the positive one... and I was weeping...gosh I was just so sure that Dr Yu was wrong that I didn't even wait for Will to be home to take, what I was SURE would be, another negative test!!! I grabbed Solomon and we raced to Wills clinic to go show him the plus sign.

At first, I felt really great! I was really excited because I felt really horrible with Solomon. At the time I was a shift supervisor at Starbucks, working the opening shift, which put me at work at 4 am...so while I was always tired because of the 40 hour weeks and waking at the crack of dawn, I was able to nap when I got home and go to bed at 5pm, which I did pretty much every day. Things are different now. Im chasing around a very active toddler and that in itself is SO exhausting. Add feeling pukey everyday, and the exhaustion of pregnancy, with potty training said toddler, and its not so fun. I actually got severely depressed for about a month. I didn't leave the house for about that long and it was all I could do to get off the couch and make Solomon lunch. it was just the combination of everything...Will being gone all the time, the hormones that were making me go bonkers, staying home to make sure that Solomon was fully potty trained, feeling queasy everyday until at least 2 pm every darn day, it was just a lot. Will finally dragged me out of the house and it was as if the sun peeked its little face back into my life. Just two hours out of the house really helped me make a leap out of the low low place that I was falling deeper into. I'm SO glad it's not that bad any more...I'm showering again and doing some play dates here and there...so things are definitely brighter.

We had one appointment so far...but didn't get to hear the heartbeat so it almost doesn't feel real yet...well aside from feeling sick for three months haha. Solomon has been having his up's and down's like always. I think it was really hard on him when I was feeling so down and ill. All I could do was go from video to video or PBS show to PBS show...I felt immense guilt because I hate then the TV parents for me. Getting him out of the house has really helped him, so I'm glad to see him feeling better...now to start weaning him off the TV...any suggestions? Gosh, this child has become addicted in the worst way!

I don't look pregnant (Im still carrying around 20 lbs from the 60 that I gained with Solomon, so Im not exactly the ideal size for starting a pregnancy) but I did have to get a pair of maternity pants cause my jeans were all just too tight around the stomach...I think I've gained 3 lbs so far. Im REALLY going to make sure that I do not repeat the 60 lbs gain again...or at least try my hardest...

Im trying to dive into all things natural and home birth. I'm excited, nervous, feeling brave sometimes and terrified others. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth is on of my FAVORITE books to read for inspiration. I LOVE that the first half of the book is all homebirth/birthcenter stories. I love reading/hearing others birth stories and I really just feel so at peace with what I read in that book. Im looking for more book suggestions too so feel free to chime in ANY time.

I'm going to try and keep a lot of details here, so that I can remember this pregnancy. Working two jobs and not having children yet, I feel like I just endured my pregnancy with Solomon. I really want to cherish this one...because it might be my last. (We think we would like to adopt a third child if we decide to have more.)

In other news, its really getting close to moving and graduation time. January 6th is coming soon...we have a lot of packing to do...I just don't know when the right time is to start. Any moving advise? We are moving from the west coast to the east coast so it's going to be a big job. The good thing is, we do not have a lot of stuff. We live in a guest house, so its only one room, VERY VERY tiny, and we are leaving most of our things behind...so it wont be too too bad, but its a big job. We are definitely looking forward to a new start and our own place...

Lots of new things going on...lots of changes...and lots and lots of excitement...

Ahem...

A little announcement...

We are having a baby!!! Due to arrive sometime late April-early May :)

Which puts me at the first day of my 4th month...yes we've been keeping it a secret...and it killed me!!! But now, I can moan and groan all over my blog abot how tired I am hahaha...

A New Birth

I read quite a few birthing blogs. The Human Pacifier is one of my favorites. She posted this video...


And while I loved it and was totally inspired by it, it kind of freaks me out. Not for reasons one might think though. I have really wanted to have a home birth for a second child... but I'm scared and I cannot figure out why. Solomons birth was in a hospital...with an OBGYN that I loved, who really pushed me to take nothing for my pain and do it totally naturally, like the birth plan that we went over together. After 26 hours of hard labor I felt like I was losing my mind...since I hadn't slept in 3 days, and I just wanted like an hour of sleep. I got the epidural and Will and I both feel no regret. Would I like to do it again? I would definitely try not to. I just...ugh...I just know that I could do it if I were at home but I get SO nervous thinking about it. It's not an issue of safety. There is nothing about a hospital that makes me feel safe. I just feel like Im not strong enough to go through more than 26 hours...it was SO much! I just remember telling Solomon, "Baby, you are our only child...for life" haha because the contractions were unlike anything I have ever ever endured...and Im scared that I would be a total wuss and fail at home. I need pep talked...major pep talking. I want to do it with my whole heart, and I hope that I find the bravery before baby number two comes our way...

This video is beautiful...and inspiring...and I hope with all my heart mine can somewhat resemble it...

The Verdict Is...

Thanks for all the feedback on the baby #2 issue...

We have decided to wait until October or November to re-evaluate, and see where we are...

Im ok with this...kinda want another one, but its just a few more months...

Time...or Not?

Will and I just cannot decide and keep changing out minds every other day....

We are moving from Los Angeles, Ca to Pittsburgh (or a dinky-sized suburb), Pa in early Jan 2009. Will graduates from Chiropractic School in December and then we are off to "make a life for ourselves" haha...finally!

So our big question...and I would really like some feedback, if you have any...

Do we want to move across the country into a new house/apt, decorate our new home, get adjusted, get Solomon adjusted, get all settled, all while I am pregnant...or wait until we are settled to start trying????

Solomon is 25 months old right now. So if we got pregnant this month (specifically this friday-tuesday haha) Solomon would almost be 3 when a new baby would be born. If we wait until say, March of 2009, Solomon would be 3 1/2 when a new baby would be born. We do not want them to be too far apart. We are already wondering if we waited to long...obviously we didn't since we do not have another babu yet, and Gods plans are perfect, but still, he LOVES children...and sometimes I wish we had another one of our very own(that is until I remember the times aka every moment of everyday when Solomon was a wee babe, and I was hyterically crying because I had no idea what I was doing. haha) Truth be told, I feel like trying this month...

I am a little afriad of the weight gain...if a little afriad means absolutely terrified. I still have 15lbs from Solomon and I am just worried that I will never ever lose it...thats a minor detail, or it should be at least...whew...ok...

Any thoughts???

Beautiful Home Birth

Thank you to The Human Pacifier

Tough

I'm having a tough day. Argh!!! I think my toddler traded in his listening skills (as if they ever existed) for more testy energy. It's been hard to do anything "fun" lately because he has been such a stinker! I am not the mom who tells her child no to everything, in fact, I think I'm pretty laid back. This is why I feel like he should listen the few times I tell him to cut it out!!! He answers me "ok" and "yes momma" to everything and either just ignores what I say and does it anyway or is to tempted by what ever it is I am pleading that he NOT do that he just MUST do it! I don't know which one it is. I just always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, like I'm going to ruin him, clueless as to conquer this "mothering" task. I need answers!!! A magic pill perhaps??? :)

Which makes me sound crazy when Will and I talk about trying for another baby soon...huh? I can hardly care for one, why are we thinking this???? :) I'm not exactly sure but I really wish we could try like, oh, tonight! I am still carrying around 25 lbs of pregnancy weight (I know I know, he's 2...I'm depressed enough about it ok?!) and I'm terrified of gaining 50-60 lbs again and already have this 25 lbs still here. I fell like it would really push my emotional fragile self esteem over the not-so-good edge. Well then that makes me upset because if we want a baby, why does there have to be stipulations (my own). We should just be able to have another baby! I don't know. I don't think I'm even making sense...another reason why waiting is probably a good idea!

Financially everything is so up in the air. We are planning on moving back to PA in January after Will graduates. It's going to cost a lot to move from CA to PA but in the long run, it will be LOTS cheaper. Then, people keep letting me know that if I were working, and putting Solomon in daycare, our financial situation would be a lot more bearable. Well I can't find a babysitter to get acupuncture done, for an hour, exactly how I am supposed to find someone to watch him while I work a full time job...hmmm...you got me!

SO many unanswered questions and I certainly am not good with the unknown...I guess I just have to be brave and trust, 2 things that I really have no idea how to do...I guess all I can do i ask for strenght and know that if I really want it, it will come.

I Will Carry You

I have been on a very tragic journey of sorts, with a complete stranger, and I just cannot hold it in any more. I have "met" Angie, by traipsing around on blog after blog, and the story that she has been telling, and has invited me (and the rest of the world) to share with her, has really consumed me. I am dreaming about her and her family. I think about them all day long. I am sharing in her pain and grief. I just feel as though I have this dear friend who has suffered tremendously, and I cannot be there to comfort her. She is an incredible woman and has done a tremendous job enduring the horrific trials that have been laid before her. I want there to be more that I can do for her, aside from pray, and be so thankful for what I have been graciously given by my wonderful and amazing God. I wish I could watch her kids for her while she went out, or go have coffee with her and tell her that she is brave...so brave. Pray is all I can give her and sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough.

As I have followed Angie's story, I have been completely overwhelmed by her incredible bravery. She is so brave. I can barely find the strength to live through some of my pretty uneventful days...yet she so willingly and with so much strength, just endures, trusting that God will see her through. It has been such an example to me, of the strength that I can tap into, if I really want it.

I have been shown what an unbelievable miracle...I must pause a minute: I have always heard "the miracle of life" and believed it, I guess, but I had a baby. I didn't seem so miraculous...but now, after hearing and seeing Angie's story, and suddenly hearing many many similar ones, I cannot stop thanking God for my beautiful, healthy, wonderful-in-every-way, baby boy. He is all that I could have ever asked for (ok maybe in my perfect dream, he would have listened a little better and had a few less tantrums haha) and I am so thankful for my miracle. He is truly that...and I cannot imagine life without him.

Angie's story is a beautiful one. it is one of the hardest things I have ever "been apart of." But I truly challenge you to read her story, and share it. It requires bravery just to read it, but it will change your life. Start at the beginning...it's only been a few months, and the story deserves to be told...

Funkdified!

Fink Funk Funk... That is me at the moment. I don't know how to shake it. I really want to get to a better place emotionally but I seem to get like this every few weeks or so. I just become suddenly launched into overload, emotionally, physically and any other possible way that I could get overloaded. Several things are taking place within me...

First is my lovely child who has been a but of a hellion lately. I try so hard to be patient with him, explain things to him, respect him as a person, and give and give and give my whole self to him. Well this week, it seems it's not enough. EVERYTHING is a knock down drag out fight. Everything is "NO" and fit after fit...screaming flailing tantrums. Example: "Solomon, come help momma pick up your toys please." "NO" I get up, go over, pick him up to standing, "We don't tell momma NO, we get up and come when momma tells you to." I walk him over to the toy area and he drops to the floor and kick and phoney bologna cries about. I tell him we don't act that way but he continues to refuse helping me put his stinking cars in their home so I break down into tears because I have just had it. I scoop up all of his toys and take them to a place that he can't get to and just say, "Since you wont help clean your toys up, you cannot play with them anymore today." I didn't handle it the best way. I didn't know what to do. The whole day had been chalked full of these situations and I just lost it emotionally. Will walked in the door at 9pm and I said, "Does anyone you know want a little boy????" jokingly of course (well sort of) But I have no help, no babysitters, no assistance, its just me and Solomon so I do get these choking moments...where I just need out...only for an hour or so but with Will's schedule it rarely happens.

Another issue is image. Yesterday was a particularly horrifying day. Everytime I walked my the mirror I just bawled my eyes out. I still cannot accept what my body has become since having Solomon. I have been working my butt off at the gym (well I took a week or so off but before that) doing 60-90 mins a day of intense cardio with what seems to be no results. I hate what I see. This saggy kangaroo pouch that is now my stomach has got to go! I just feel defeated, like a complete failure. Why can't I just complete this task? I need to lose 30 lbs. And note to self, avoid at all costs (although I can't think of much I could have done differently) gaining 60lbs during a next pregnancy!!!! AHHHHH...I'm a weepy mess. I hate weigth, I hate food, but msot of all, I hate feeling unlovable because of my appearance...this brings me to my next issue.

I am toiling with the issue of having a little girl. I don't know that I will have a girl but if I did, I seriously question my ability to mother a little girl. I have very unhealthy self-esteem and I never want another girl on this planet to feel this way...much less accidentally raise a child to feel the same why. I have just started reading "Captivating" so maybe that will have some insight for me.

I know in a week I will feel better. (My mom is home for the week...that always makes everything harder. Seeing as how we live in her guest house!!!) My mom and I have had a huge fight every day this week, so that is a blast. Nine months until we move...nine months until we move...I just keep repeating that. I miss Will. He is gone constantly...I curse that school!!!! Why do they steal him from me!!!?!?!?! Not fair. Again, nine more months! I will finish this season out...and begin a new chapter. I cannot wait.

I am trying to be strong. I just feel lonely and defeated. This too shall pass...of this I am sure.