A Beautiful Exchange...

I was driving home tonight and sobbing in the car.  My "inner wound" was infected, if you will.  I have this deep resounding wound of "no one wants me."  I was "picking" at this wound.  Feeling scared, or sorry for myself I guess.  I look around and sometimes it just feels like everyone has their someone.  My friends have better friends, friends they carve out weekly time for, friends they want to be with, friends that they share secrets with...and I always feel like the loser, who is just too much of a pain to "fit in."  I feel like this a lot, so I get that this is primarily MY wound and MY insecurity. 

But....I just want "my person." 

It used to be my sister...but she has another "person" now...so its just me.  Here's the kicker though...I always feel like a burden to people, so it is a rarity, that I would actually "lean" on a person, because I end up feeling so stupid or feeling like a burden.  Its a vicious cycle.  But I do just really want "my person."

Tangent....

Back to my driving sobfest...ha. I was listening to BLASTING my favorite Hillsong cd.  These words were filling my car...

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure
Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in
Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption,
You carried all the blame
Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place
When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
My burden erased
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away
My only desire
And sole ambition
Is to love You just the same
When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
Holy are You, God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You


You were near though I was distant disillusioned, I was lost and insecure.  Still, mercy fought for MY attention...You were/are waiting at the door. 
So...am I going to answer?  Now?  For always?  He is "my person."  If I could only remember that.  I just have to choose Him.  Daily, hourly, or like most days, momentarily. 

When only LOVE, could break these chains....
and boy, these chains are something else.  In my foolishness, just when I get ahold of freedom, there I go, running back to shackle myself. I need to choose Love.  There are 1000 tiny choices per day, where I CAN choose love...imagine the transformation in the lives around me if I made 1000 teeny tiny little choices...to choose Love...instead of choosing me.  Whether that be anger, frustration, tone of voice, a sneer...it would be transformational.

My only desire, and sole ambition...is to love you just the same...
Imagine a life...where this were true.  So tomorrow, all mercies are new...I am vowing to try, with His strength, to choose Love...and my sole ambition, is to Love, the same as he Loves me...

I will let you know how it goes...

Photos, Politics and Power of Words

We will start off with a little photo dump...its been a long time since I have done one of these...

Sunday...my very favorite day of the week.  Church.  I wish everyday were Sunday.  I completely <3 my church...like seriously, completely!  We usually hit up Mad Mex afterward, which I love to do.  (Inset inner struggle music) BUUUT...imagine if we put that $40 a week toward something much more valuable. [Mental note:  talk to Will about this]  So here is Will and Shiloh waiting for food.  See, she doesn't care about anything other than shoving her face full of chips and guacamole, and she definitely isn't going to look up for a photo.

Mr. Cool and his mom.

Do we see this face????  Clearly, Im ANNOYING! :)

My kids = OBSESSED with this new(ish) show called Bubble Guppies.  The theme song - awful!!!  But this is what it does to them...kinda hilarious.

We aren't huge fans of meat in our house.  Let me rephrase that...anything with tendons, bones, gristle, and blood...its SUPER hard for me to eat, ok, I just can't do it...makes me hurl.  Skeeves me right out.  But we love the Quorn brand of meat substitutes.  Same taste, no gristle/blood/tendons:)  Anyhow, I found Quorn meatless crumbles and made the most delicious meatless loaf ever!!!!  Topped with Morningstar meatless bacon...it was a meat haters meatless delight :)

This was an awesomely delish Indian dish.  Brown cilantro rice, Quorn chickenless breasts simmered in a spicy Bombay curry sauce and garlic naan bread.  Yum!

If you know Will, please let me point out, he is eating a donut.  Yeah...I said donut!

Look who went and potty trained herself.  Seriously, she put underwear on BY HERSELF almost 2 weeks ago and its been ALL HER since then.  Cute as a button huh?  All 22 lbs of her.  Um...she will be 2 in like 3 weeks...WHAT???????

Its Spring...and well, winter here in Pennsylvania SUCKS, so I am THRILLED.  I finally broke out the Rainbows yesterday...it was in the 70's yesterday AND my kids got sun burnt outside.  Awesomeness.  Bring on the heat baby!!!

Thats about it in the photo department.  Since I fed you all of these photos, may I rant a moment?  Facebook annoys me to no end these days and I'm seconds away from deleting my account (again).  My news feed is so full of President criticism over the budget crisis.  First and foremost, I would like to say, it is DISGUSTING to make our service men and woman go without a paycheck.  BUT, so many of those posts are saying things like "Hey Obama, stop going on vacation and pay the military."  Really?  Sounds pretty ridiculous.  Well...perhaps, if those same posts would have not been singing President Bush's praises not so long ago and would have, instead said "Stop wasting our money on a war you all lied about to get us into and get our military OUT OF THE ILLEGAL WARS you started!!!"  I would be less annoyed.  Instead it was "Oh he is such an amazing man of God and he is so awesome and yeah, bomb the middle east, blow it up for all I care."  Seriously????  We are in this budget crisis for a reason that had NOTHING to do with our current President.  Too bad there weren't more "Please pray for our President" posts right now, because, after all, he is just as flawed as the last President, and just as flawed as all of us....

I have a very special friend who I adore and admire in every possible way.  Her husband has been deployed WAY TOO MANY times and even missed the birth of one of his sons.  I am tearing up just thinking of how special this family is to me...and...how it is ridiculous that he had to fight in a war that should have never been started.  AND that he now may not be getting paid???  Its awful...

Wouldn't it be nice if Americans were not so divided?  One side worships EVERYTHING their "people" do, no matter how disgusting and then when their "opposing team" does similar things, those same actions are just HORRIFIC!!!  Why can't we just bind together, admit our horrible wrongs and mend this broken country...

Pardon the soap box...Ive stepped down :)

Oh my mouth, it is a weapon sometimes (hence the last few paragraphs.  Im so sorry!)  I try really hard to tame my tongue.  Words are so so powerful.  They destroy and hurt and separate.  In the same breath they can heal and uplift and love.  It's been interesting for me since moving to a new place, making all new friends.  It's hard.  The friends I have in Southern California I grew up with.  I knew everything about them.  There was no questioning "Does she like me? Is she talking about me to other people?  Does she like me??"  A lot of it can go on and it is so damaging.  It cuts into what could be real, strong friendships.  I really have had to just let go of it all.  If people want to listen, they can listen.  But it really is only damaging their own lives.  It is so easy to get sucked in...SO EASY.  I have been guilty of it many many times.  But I don't want it any more.  My prayer is to take every word and thought captive and throw out the garbage, leave it, and never participate in it.  It has the power to destroy lives.  It is not a loss to lose someone who is constantly feeding people with dividing, hurtful words.  In the end, its not a friendship that I would want to, or will hold onto.  Its hurtful to be talked about.  I do not want to hurt people.  I am so thankful for the strong wonderful amazing beautiful friends that light up my life, uplift me, and care for me in ways I could never repay...

James 3 says this about the tongue...and it cuts...deep.  
1-2 Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you'd have a perfect person, in perfect control of life. 3-5A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! 5-6 It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. 7-10 This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! 10-12 My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

At the end of my life, may it be said that I was trustworthy, giving, kind and a follower of Jesus...

Amusement Park Fun

We have been doing so much lately as far as hanging out with friends and family. We got season passes to a local amusement park here. We went with Candice, Patrick, Jillian and Gabriel, who are our closest friends. We love them...and as time goes on, its seems our children might tolerate eachother too haha...

Here are a few more photos of that time together (the "Friends" blog is a sweet groupd of photos that I thought should be put together:))

Friends...

Thinking, Love, Light and Gas

So Solomon found some of Wills old "just for looks" glasses...Solomon calls them his "cool glasses" and this face, his "thinking face." He does this really hilarious "hmmmmm" to go along with it...he is so darn handsome...

Here are Solomon and Jillian walking hand in hand to the park...they (meaning mostly Solomon) have their tiffs but they are such agood friends. I love watching our best friends child and our child play so nicely and love eachother so dearly... TOday we ran into Candice and Jillian at the mall and Jillian said "Hey Solomon...wacha doin'??" Its sooo sweet. Im so glad they are friends.

My light...basking in the sunshine.

So here in our state, we have these grocery stores that let you earn rewards when you spend money and swipe your rewards card...I earned myrewards and got an entirely free tank of gas...is that awesome or what?????

Just Call Me The Wife Of Dr William Cole...

Yesterday, my amazingly brilliant husband graduated...I haven't the slightest clue just how amazing it felt to him, but for me, the day was a wild array of incredible emotions.

First of all, I haven't mentioned this on here before, but Will's parents decided not to come. Will said he was OK with that, but I was crushed...for him. He has worked SO hard for the last 7 1/2 years and it made me sad that they couldn't be there. I kept tearing up all day thinking of the fact that they didn't come.  We really missed having them here.

We got all ready and headed off to Will's school. Solomon did EXCELLENT. I was truly amazed!!! We brought lots of snacks, MACK from Cars, paper and pen, Uncle Aaron's lego cars, and Aprils boyfriend Brian was there...so he was set with everything his little heart could have ever wanted.

The processional began and tears welled up instantly. Jen said to me right before the ceremony, "Remember when you found out you were pregnant with Solomon, you said 'I am going to have a TWO YEAR OLD when Will graduates!!!!' and now here you are...?" It was so surreal. I saw Will heading down the aisle in his gown and I felt the crying coming...not just a few sobs, but the UGLY cry!! I managed to suck most of it down, but I did let out one heinous gasp/sob. I just couldn't believe it. He was done. He is a doctor!!! Life is taking a whole new and exciting turn for us. I was beaming with pride. I couldn't have been more proud of him.

I was so nice for me to finally be able to see every one of his classmates. These are all people that I have heard about for the last, nearly 4 years, and I got to put a face to every name, meet Wills friends families, and spend time with some of our friends that this school has brought to us...it was a wonderful day.

A lot, in fact, most people that RSVP'd for Wills party didn't come. We had SOOO much left over food and it was a little sad because that was going to be the last day that we saw several people... But it was still really nice.

Jen took some awesome photos so I'll be excited to get them up on here...here are some photos from Aprils camera though.

My amazing, brilliant husband, I am SO SO proud of you...there aren't words to let you know just how proud I am of you and how excited I am to start this new journey with you...I love you honey!!!

This is Will getting hooded.

And here are some photos from the party.

The three trouble makers...Will dearest friends Will and Patrick.

Me, Will, Patrick, Will, KelliAnn (who is getting slapped by) Kaitlyn haha.

Victimhood and Perspective

A lot has been weighing heavy on my lately...in fact, Im sure that I will not get through this blog without weeping.

I will be the first to admit that I very often put myself in a role of the "victim." My mom is wicked, my husband doesn't stick up for me all the times that I think he should, I have to do without so much, Solomon is extremely active and wears me out and I never get breaks...blah blah blah... Even on this blog, which I use as an outlet of emotional expression at times, it must get a little annoying to read about how "woe is me" I am always feeling. There are people in my life who have this same problem, and I find myself wanting to completely bow out gracefully because I just cannot take it when it seems someones identity is solely a big ol' victim. The truth of the matter is this...everyone has "hard lives" ...but do I? Do we? Bad mom blah blah blah...get over it...move on. Love her despite herself. Build the relationship that you CAN have instead of pinning over what you may never have...because there is a good chance that we may all find ourselves in similar situations in the future...and I know that if I hurt my son, I don't want to be hated...I want to be loved, forgiven, and I need to offer that same thing to my own mother.

Do we have it rough? Of course some people do...but perspective...wow, has that been hitting me hard lately. As people (especially from the West) I think we find ourselves being a little egocentric. There aren't many people who take into account the lives of others, especially those around the world. Sitting and wallowing, as I often do, can be sobered up right quick if you allow yourself to start thinking of others...allow me to give some examples of people in my own life.

When I first visited Uganda in 1999, my dearest (British) friend, Sophie, a nurse, was taking me for a tour in one of the local hospitals. Kiwoko Hopspital is actually a really nice facility considering it's in the middle of the bush. As we wandered around we started hearing the cry of what was obviously a very small baby. We followed her cry and I gasped when we found her. She was in a room, alone, on a woven mat laid on the concrete floor. She was covered from head to toe in bandages that were covered in yellow puss and slime. She was a burn victim, alone, in pain, infected, with no one to comfort and hold her. She couldn't have been more than 3-4 months old. Who knows how long she had be laying there alone and crying. Who knows if anyone would ever come for her. I wept there on my knees. I felt ill and had to go outside to breathe. This was the worst thing I had ever seen....but for this little baby, it was just reality...

Perspective.

I little boy I know, who in 1999, was 8 years old and blind in one eye. He fell several stories out of a mango tree and a branch pierced through his eye and destroyed his optic nerve. He was walking me home one night, holding my hand and I said, "Muyango, are you ever angry at God for Him allowing you to fall and lose your eye site?" His answer just about caused me to faint... "No Auntie Amber. I actually feel that God loves me more than I ever knew...I could have died, but instead, God saved my life and only took away the eye site of one eye." Eight years old folks...

Perspective.

When I lived in Uganda in 2001, I was visiting someone in the hospital and next to me in the childrens ward was a teeny tiny baby girl. Her caretaker was with her. I asked how she was and why she was there... While her mother had been working in the garden, someone had come into her home and raped her 6 month old baby girl. They didn't know if she would live or not.

Perspective.

My friend, Sennyonjo, watched his family murdered by rebel soldiers. Sisters raped and killed. Brother and father stabbed with a machete right before his young 9 year old eyes.

Perspective.

Adrienne, who lost 5 babies to miscarriages, just endured a failed adoption. I've wept for her because I cannot imagine how terrible that feels. It's such a sad story and it really breaks my heart just to think about it.

Perspective.

My lifelong friend, Charlene, after trying to get pregnant for so long, lost the baby and almost died due to a tubal pregnancy...and then not long after lost her mother suddenly.

Perspective.

My sweet, precious friend Abby, on the night before thanksgiving was told that her 6 month old nephew, Noah, had died in his sleep. His mommy, Rebecca, had laid him down for a nap and checked on him periodically...the last time she checked on him he was face down and blue. The paramedics came and tried to revive him but could not. What was it like for her to find her baby in his crib, lifeless, gone, never to cry, smile, laugh again? What was it like to see the paramedics trying to revive him, thinking "of course they will be able to" only to see them fail? What does it feel like every night to know that when you wake up, he still wont be there. How do you explain to their toddler, Emma, that her little brother is gone? How does his daddy, Richard, live everyday without his little baby boy? How did Rebecca watch Noah be taken away to know that he would never be coming back? This is a family that is so close and loving and sensitive and wonderful and I have cried everyday since finding this horrible news out on Wednesday in tears, praying and finding little to no consolation.

Perspective.

Even though I never got to meet Noah, my heart has been broken in a way I had never imagined by this loss. It has broken me and sobered me and put life into perspective for me. It put me into a spiral...thinking of all those JUST in my life who have actual tragedies. Having a mother who makes mistakes and fails me a lot, is NOT a tragedy. Its something to just get over, and move on from. It made me confident that no matter what goes on in most of our lives, we can always find someone who has it much harder. God is my refuge and my strength and in ALL things He is in control. Its really hard to believe when peoples children are being taken from them, and little babies are getting raped and children are starving to death and seeing their parents murdered...why does all of this happen? I can't understand it but I am trying my hardest to pull myself out of all pity parties and put things into perspective...

Life has changed for me...let me never forget it.

Perspective...whats yours?

Welcome Baby Gabriel and Baby Brady

My sweet and incredible friend Candice, gave birth to her precious baby boy this morning @ 7:24, Gabriel Patrick 8lb 7oz. She was a champ!!! She pushed her little babe out in FOUR minutes!!!! Can you believe it!!!! Congratulations to Patrick, Candice and little Jillian on your new little love!!!

My other friend, Abby, who has been in labor since Tuesday also had her baby this morning somewhere in the 3am hour to little Brady Owen...I don't know details yet but am SO excited for both of my dear friends. Congratulations to Jonathon and Abby!!!

Apparently its a great day for having babies!!! My friend Amy just text to say her doula client is also in labor... How exciting!!!

Friends And Moving Away

You know, being a mom has really dipped into my social life (har har har). It's true...all my friends are virtually gone. I have a few friends that I talk to on a regular basis here in Ca, but most have just kinda faded into the background, which I guess is to be expected. I still wish I had a few friends who I could hang out with during the week or on weekends with occasionally. More of a network for Solomon and I both...we recently joined a moms group and are attending our first meetup next week...hopefully it goes well. Im looking forward to getting out of the house with Solomon. Lately I have been feeling a little debilitated by my emotions. I've been just feeling low and anxious. I'm getting really sad about moving. While there are so many upsides to going, I am still quite sad about it. I'm just really dreading January 6th...saying good bye, to my dad, oh...and my sister. Tears...everytime I think about it they come. Am I cut out for this? Im so nervous. So much will be changing for us... I'm just really worried about the future. I know that I have a good God who takes care of me, always...but never the less, the knot is still here, in the pit of my stomach...and I'm just not sure what to do about it...

Farewell Friends

The three of us went over to hang out with Will, KelliAnn and Kaitlynn for the last time (for a long time at least) on Sunday. We just got to laze around and chase the kiddo's and chat. Solomon tackled Kaitlyn once I think...I started talking about how he had tried hugging this little boy at the park and then took him down...and he tried to reenact it on her. Poor little thing. Let me tell you, she is a "momma's girl" to the tee!!! And I am not going to lie, I am a little jealous. Solomon has really improved SO much. He actually asks for me and cuddles me now, and wants me to get him up from his nap, instead of falling down crying, pushing me away, all while crying out for dear ol' dad...sniff sniff...

Will and KelliAnn are just the nicest people. They are so sweet and loving and we are so sad to see them move back to St. George, Utah. (My) Will and (KelliAnn's) Will have been classmates for three years now...I can't believe how time has flown by, all while being the hardest three years of our lives! While we were driving home, (my) Will said, "I can't believe they are leaving...I wish we could go back and hang out with them way more than we did." And I agree... We love you guys so much!


Kiddo's Playing

Isn't she so cute? Look at those cheeks!!!

I couldn't have taken a more dainty picture if I tried...she is a gem.

Look how she is looking at Solomon...I love it!

We weren't all that ready...haha

Ok so we are both looking but Solomon and Kaitlyn have had enough!!

Lauren and Rachel Time

Solomon loves his little buddies, Lauren and Rachel...oddly enough, they all look like they could be mine!!! Especially Lauren! We went over for some fun in the sun and of course they had a blast, apart from when Solomon threw two bongos at Lauren's head...ouch, it was a serious cry fest. She is only 11 months old poor little sweet thing.



(Doesn't she look so much like Solomon???)










And they love to fight over April