A Little Girl...

This pregnancy has flown by in so many ways. With Wills graduation, our cross country move and pretty much the busiest little toddler on the planet, all of a sudden, this little girl is almost here. I have struggled in ways that I didn't with Solomon. My emotions have been off the charts...so many rough days, major struggles with anxiety, depression and anger. I have also really been dealing with attaching to this baby. I have a lot of fear about mothering a little girl. I haven't been able to get very enthusiastic about this baby and I'm already feeling mommy guilt because of it. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother and I don't know what a mother/daughter love feels like. I say that for no other reason than my mom isn't capable of offering me that and that is just what it is...I have come to grips with that and we function accordingly. But I want more for my own daughter. I want her to feel as if she is the light of my life. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to feel beautiful. I want to be someone she can count on. I know I will fail at all of these many times but I at least know that this is what I want for my daughter.

There are a lot of things that make me nervous about having a little baby again...especially a girl. All of the things I have been feeling have been overshadowed by everything that is going on...and I have been feeling so much anticipation of having my sister come and live with us this summer that I am trying to just stop thinking of the negative things.

This little girl moves at least as much as Solomon...but I think a little more. At first (because Im such a darn pessamist) I just kept dreading having two wild children :). But one night I was just basking in her movement...and I really felt like God just picked me up and reminded me how this all started. It was purely His doing that this baby came down to us. And I knew knew knew that there was a baby waiting to come down to us...I could feel this child beckoning to us and was really disappointed that we didn't really try hard enough to get pregnant...I was THRILLED when I found out it had been enough...and then when I found out we were having a girl, I began to second guess what I had felt... All of that to say...as she was thrashing around within me, I was reminded of those feelings from the very beginning...I was reminded that our family needs her and she needs us...we are a perfect fit for the other and I found such a peace about that.

We really enjoy our midwife and are hoping that our birth goes smoothly. Again, I am not really nervous and I feel more prepared for this birth that I did with Solomons...although I felt the same way before Solomons birth too haha. It is really nice having a health care professional who cares about what you want and actually cares about the health of your baby too...doesn't just spend every prenatal visit trying to figure out if something is wrong with the child or not. I feel bad for new moms. SO many mothers are scared in to doing things, whether by doctors, family or other moms...and they don't have to be. Christy is an avid voice for midwifery and mothers trusting God with their bodies...but she brought up a good point. Often ones faith in God kinda flies out the window during birth..."I can't do it" "My body doesn't work" "I don't do pain" and the truth is, apart from emergency cases (which we are lucky to have medical technology in those cases) God created our bodies to do this...he creaeted us for this...we work...our bodies aren't disfunctional whimpy nothings...they are strong powerhouses that are capable of giving our children everything they need from the very beginning. I don't say this with judgement or with eyes looking down on anyone...but I do think it is a scary time when we start putting more trust in man made medicine. One thing that I love about things like Chinese Medicine, Chiropractic Medicine, Midwifery...is that it IS scriptural...Jesus himself practiced putting his hands on people and the power that the body has to restore and heal itself. It is encouraging to me. I have become some who basically doesn't trust the medical community at all...apart from emergencies (stitches, broken bones, real emergencies) because it has done nothing but make me sicker and unhealthy. As a mother, I wont have someone tell me what I HAVE to do in my birth...the tests I HAVE to have, the monitoring that I HAVE to have, the pointless IV's stuck in my arm for NO REASON, the ridiculous tests they want to perform on my newborn, the gunk they want to throw in my babies eyes, and the toxic waste they want to fill my babies bodies...I am their mother. God gave them to me. I am fully equppied to birth them and care for them and I will decide what goes in/on their bodies...not you!!! Again this isn't emergencies Im talking about...because that is where medicine has its place...but not in our every day lives. It does nothing but make us sicker. I am thankful for the choices I have...and hope that I always make the right ones.

Solomon seems to be bonding with his sister. And oh how sweet it is. He knows she lives in my belly for now...although he thinks more along the line of "in my belly button." He talks to her and hugs her and it is just the sweetest thing. The other day he was in the bathroom with me as I was about to shower. I had my clothes off and he looked and ran to me..."MY BABY!!!!" he said and grabbed my stomach. It was SUPER sweet. Two days ago we were napping and he woke up a little early for my liking so I just layed there with my eyes clothes. He started rubbing my face with his silky blanket (which is a rare treat because NO ONE touches his blanket). Then he lifted up my shirt and started rubbing it on my my stomach. I thought it was sweet...but I melted when he wispered "I just love my sister very very much." Awwwww...seriously...too much. I can't wait for him to meet her. It is going to be the sweetest thing ever.

We have everything but ONE box unloaded now, thanks to Aprils visit. (49 more days until she comes back!!!) So now we can start hanging things on the walls and really getting ready for this baby...its exciting and a whole gammet of emotions...pray for us as we prepare...

Its Time...

I really don't know where to start on here. I feels so foreign to blog. I miss it, so much, but I truely just cannot find the time. Why? Why is that?

It may be because um, we are STILL unpacking. Its taken so long for us to get the guts up to pile on the credit card debt to get enough furniture to actually unpack all of our things...but it is official now...we have all the furniture that we need to store our things OUTSIDE of the boxes. So now we need to finish off the last 8 or so boxes that we have. We also have random things to do like hanging pictures/wall hangings and reorganizing certian things in the kids room and stuff...but I better get a move on' cause Im stinking 8 months pregnant people...how oh how did this happen?

Also, I need a baby shower. its been really hard adjusting financially...and this is pretty person and I HATE when people play the poor card, but my goodness...Will needs patients...and SOON!!!! We sold all of the things we had for Solomon apart from his crib because of our limited space in California, so we have nothing. We have, for the most part, enough clothes (and I DO NOT want anyone to buy us clothes!!!!! Its a major pet peeve of mine) to get us through the first month or so...and we bought a baby bouncer and we have a play gym thing...but thats about it...so baby shower anyone??? ;) Its will all work out

Will is still working for his dad, on salary, that is not that great...it pretty much barely covers our bills...which in a way is good because it means Will has to get his butt out there and market like mad. He is doing a free spinal screening in two weeks so we are hoping that that gets at least a few patients for him. Next weekend he has a Chiropractic training seminar with his managment company in stinking Salt Lake City!!!! So Im alone with Solomon again...from Thursday to Sunday...how sad...Candice, I hope you're ready for some tag-along-ing ;)

Solomon is just a wild man!!! He has changed SO SO SO much. He is just this giant, chatty, brilliant, kid now. He is totally into "bad words." Ok seriously, every five seconds he says, "Mommy, can I say stupid? shut up? kill?" What the heck??? Where does he here this kind of stuff. It drives me insane. He is SOOO impressionable and his memory is impecable!!! He took a drum stick the other day. held it between his pointer finger and middle finger and started "smoking" with it...even tilting his head up as he "blew out"!!!!!! People...he is TWO!!!! I said, "Honey where did you see that." He said, "The man outside the grocery store." Wow...Also, tutoriffic is his favorite word...which in many ways is super cute. He says that whenever he farts..."Mommy, Im tutoriffic..." But the other day (and again I cringe yet kinda laugh cause its SO shocking) he said, "Mommy am I allowed to say 'holy crap'?" My eyes got huge and said, "Um no...that is not a nice word." He shruged and said, "Ok, I will just say 'holy tutoriffic crap'." I do not know where he gets this stuff. They certianly dont say it on Sesame Street, which is about all he watched (at our house at least!!!!). But I have a feeling taht certain teenage aunts and uncles with potty mouths play a big role in that!!!! Its kinda depressing as a mom, because I want to protect him for all the "yucky" things of the world...but I mean if I can't take him to the grocery store without him fully understanding smoking, then I can't really go anywhere...does any one elses kids talk like this???

In other Solomon news...he is so happy here. It is hard being away from loved ones but soooo much of me is so glad that we are here. He loves his room. He loves his house. He loves his yard. The air is soooo clean here...a child that used to have allergies just like me...now has NONE!!!! (neither do I by the way) He loves "the forest", which is pretty much anywhere with trees and sticks...which he is obsessed with collecting. We do actually get to take forest walks...which um is just awesome!!! He is thriving and I truely couldn not be happier for him!

We have a GPS now which I got for my bday...and um I LOVE IT!!!! I can find my way places now...which I am SUPER excited about.

Pregnancy is flying by. Lots and lots of things have been going on within me, emotionally. I am starting to feel kind of uncomfortable in thsi chair though so I will save it for another blog...but here is a picture for the records :)

Oh...did I mention April and Brian are here...yeah I cannot be happier and I DO NOT want to think about next Wednesday when they leave me...and then Will leaves on Thursday...bleck...happy thoughts happy thoughts...

I Forget...

I forget how to do this whole blogging thing. I must stress that we JUST got our internet hooked up and our computer is sitting on the living room floor...this is not comfortable for a newly 7 month along pregnant woman...plus its just ghetto and annoying in every way. Solomon is cuddled close in his blacket sleepers and robe while being hypnotized by CARS...ugh...I hate TV...but 325 emails forces me to put it on.

I was going to try and back track all that has happened...but I can't...and I don't want to. I will say, work is going well for Will. He is pleased with his current situation. Solomon is doing great. We are trying to schedule lots of playdayes with Candice and Abby...and we have even joined a moms groups. We have only attended one event but we had a really nice time doing it. I...I am doing ok. I miss April more than words can explain. Its not that I don't miss other friends...but I think that the point in my life that we moved, spending time with friends was done so few and far between that it seems as enough time hasn't even passed for me to think that I am actually across the country from them. But April...she is my best friends, my sister, and she was apart of our every single day. Even though she will be here in less than 25 days. I miss her insanely. We text all day long, talk every day...and still...it is not enough. She is coming the last week of April and will be staying until the end of July...unles (hoping hoping hoping) I can convince her to just stay with us permanently.

I'm feeling a little overwhelemed. Our house still isn't unpacked. We have been here since the 15th of January...well at least we moved our stuff in. We love it...but I cannot stand all the "undone" things. I just want them to be completely how I want them...finished. Who knows when that will happen...

Will is leaving in a few hours for Denver...until about 2am Monday morning. Since August 2004, we have never spent a day apart. Is that weird? I have been really nervous and sad. And Solomon is BEYOND attached to Will so I am just praying that we all survive. Its hard being pregnant in a new somewhat foreign place...and your husband needs to get business done...so sad. I hope this seminar is worth it...its a practice building/managment group. So I hope he likes them...and hurries home safely to us.

I think thats all I can get out today...sorry I'm a little gloomy...

Adusting

I am nearing the end of my 26th week of pregnancy...how did this happen. My ass is huge but my stomach is still pretty small. I just have what looks like a fat gut...hurray...jsut what I have alwasy wanted.

Life is still chaos. We are still living primarily out of boxes. We jsut put all of our Ikea furniture together and are hoping that this weekend will produce some order...I said SOME...

We are happy. It is freezeing, but having out own place is pretty much the greatest thing EVER!!! I love it. I'm terrified of driving in this weather but I am working on it!!! :)

Thats about all I have time for...still no internet folks...sorry...I miss you all tons!!! BUT I did get a new phone...so I can atleast be in communication in SOME way!!! xoxo