Turns Out...I CAN Lean On Him...

As much as I am really way too hard on myself, I also give myself more credit that I deserve.


In the past, I haven't gone to Will when I am feeling anxious.  I haven't rested on him or allowed him to carry me when I cannot walk another step.  But lately, I have really been trying to...and you know what?  He is an awesome support.  He loves me and he really has been such a strong source of support for me.  I am so thankful to have him.
 
Yesterday I was having some serious anxiety about the day and the days to come and I just really let myself fall into him.  He just sorta took me by the hand, helped me see the truth and the reality before me and it spoke very loudly to me.  He really truely is so much more capable than I've ever given him credit for.  I am so thankful that even though I have been pushing him away and closing myself off to him for such a long time, that he will still recieve me back with such loving open arms.  He is my best friend.  There is no one in the world that could have walked beside me the way he did yesterday.  I am just beyond thankful that I have such an awesome, amazing, not to mention super hot husband.
 
**and um, it takes a pretty awesome husband to dress up like Derek and Meredith for Halloween.  see above photo :)
 

Prepare Yourself...and Don't Look Back.

(Random pictures are just inserted so that I can prove I have these oh so big and beautiful kids!!!)

In the silence, my head spins...and spins and spins and spins.  Actually, its spinning even in the noise.

I don't really know how to put my right now into words.  A lot is going on with in (as usual) and I feel like more days than not, I don't know who I am anymore.  I keep blaming it on some type of post pardum imbalance mixed with stress, loneliness, and being in a different state than everything I've known for my entire life...plus having 2 little kids and very little to do...its a lot.  Little by little I try to sort through everything, figure out what I am missing...but the sorting continues and the piles just keep getting bigger and bigger.

Will and I, we try to "partner up" in parenting and marriage and household running, but we constantly seen to be missing each other...or taking out the stresses of life on one another.  Bickering about the stupidest crap.  I think I speak for both of us that instead of meeting in the middle to lean on one another, we are like butting heads and beating the crap (not literally haha) out of the other because it is just SUCH a stress reliever...I miss him when he is gone and I know he misses me...but the second we see eachother we just start picking on each other.  It is not a good strategy by any means!! haha.  WE have been trying to come together each night and at least have a few minutes of conversation, but its hard.  By 8 pm when he gets home, Im tired and want to go to bed...and then when he doesn't work, sometimes we just get so caught up with the kids that he and I just fade to the background...sounds like a great plan huh? ha.  We're working on it.  Its hard for me to really turn my heart inside out to him in a lot of ways...I feel like its terribly hard for him to understand struggling with depression and anxiety and the intense case of "perfection-itis" that I have.  He lets things roll off of him and holds him self at a very reasonable standard...where as I, who is clearly a little batty, have this outrageous unrealistic standards for myself and others, and its a HUGE reason why I feel to low a lot of the time.  Knowing that I can't just lower my expectations is just a whole other guilty street that I drive down daily...I hate guilt land...it sucks here.

My kids...oh my kids.  They, well, they are cute. haha.  I see so much in the world that I want to give them and teach them and then again, driving down guilty street, well, I fall so short everyday.  Recently the yelling and voice raising has apparently become my new hobby.  Its ugly.  I hate it.  And I really hate when either they look scared or scream back at me.  I was so much more calm with Solomon.  Low calm tones...now Im like a freaking hyena!!!!

The leaves are changing here.  I have a full blown panic attack here because I HATE WINTER.  At least I think I do.  Last winter was so horribly traumatic for me that I fear I wont live through another one.  But with the season change comes MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!  I actually leave in a few days to fly back to California alone and get here.  We are driving back, with my mom...and then we are moving to a bigger house. woohoo/omg I can't believe we are moving AGAIN!!!  The next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind...Im a little scared but I am soooo thankful that April is going to live here, with us...AND that we get more space in out house.

Im trying to figure out what happened to me.  I know A LOT has changed in the last 2 years.  My world has sorta been rocked.  And I know that I have been so resistant to change, because, well, it hurts sometimes.  Accepting what is is NOT fun.  And I am struggling.  Deeply.  Since I stopped nursing, I have put on some of the weight that I worked my butt off to lose and I am so angry about that.  I am not who I want to be, and I am angry about that.  I have lost sight of the person I want to be...and I think that is where the problem may lie.  Why did I lose sight?  My focus was so steady at some point...until its not.  Why does this happen?  I keep wanting to "go back to a place" where I had it...but that is WRONG.  And honestly, I am just figuring this out as I type it.  I cannot go back.  I cannot go back to living in Uganda and finding that spiritual fulfillment.  I cannot go back to having tea every night with Sophie, Adam and Moses.  I cannot go back to a time where I live in California surrounded in all my familiarness.  I cannot go back to having the body of a woman who didn't have two children (dammit!!!).  I have GOT to move forward...I HAVE TO. 

On my dads birthday (the 16th), everything really just ruptured.  It hurt so deeply that I couldn't breathe.  The news we got was just earth shattering and Im having difficulty "staying positive" as they say.  I couldn't sleep and I was up, just powering through the panic so I got on blogger and I tried...hard...to blog, but couldn't.  So I read Angie's Blog

Live Simply or Simply Live (links have been disabled, sorry)

Saturday night we went to church and we were just so glad that we went. We are doing a Sermon On The Mount (The End Of Religion) study that has been extremely heart piercing and life changing. Saturday's study was titled "Hands Free" (which was very appropriate in many ways. Here in California, since July 1st, it is now illegal to use your cell phone while driving without a hands free devise, which is pretty much the most ridiculous law I have ever heard of BUT that is another blog entirely).

He talked about about money, living simply, taking care of those around us, not being so stressed out about tomorrow and living in today, knowing that the God of all is taking care of us. Of course I cannot do it justice, even in the least. So go and listen to it here.

It got Will and I thinking about a lot. We have so much. Now, the world might see us as living off of school loans, just being able to pay our bills most months, living in my mom's guest house, BUT WOW, we have SO much! Todd (one of the pastors at Rock Harbor) read an email about a really young couple who decided that they wanted to live on only 50-60% of their income, and find ways to give the rest away. It was really a challenging thing to think about, much less to even consider. How many of us could do that? Well, all of us really. It requires an immeasurable sacrifice, or so it seems from a normal middle class American. We are in the upper 5% of the richest people in the world. How's that for sobering...I really implore you to take 40 minutes and listen to this service. (and if you are one of those over-achievers, start fromt he beginning)

My life was completely changed after my first visit to Uganda in 1999. Flying over the continent of Africa in itself was just about the MOST sobering thing that I thought could ever happen to me...until the plane landed. I road in the back of a cattle lorrie for two and half hours atop my luggage and saw things I never imagined were real. I saw little children running, jumping, yelling "hello muzungu" (foreigner) just because they saw me. I remember seeing a little boy about 7 with his little baby brother/sister strapped to his back, no adult in sight for miles, carrying a heavy jerrycan full of water up a pretty steep incline on Bombo Road. I was 17 years old and I was really scared and lonely and I cried my self to sleep for about 6 nights. But then... I fell in love. I got out of myself, I got out of my brainwashed American mind, and I fell in love. I fell in love with simplicity, with joy in spite of pain, with tender souls who had been through/seen things that you and I can only imagine. Yet, despite it all, they had a joy, a light shining from within that I had never in my life seen before...and I wanted more...

I returned to Uganda in 2001 where I stayed from March until September. I assisted a nurse in the on site clinic at the orphanage that I worked with. I taught math for a primary 4 class at the school on site. It was a tremendous experience. I made life long friends. I felt God closer than I have ever felt Him before. I experienced things that, in a lifetime, I cannot adequately express to anyone. I truly thought I would go there and just really, you know, "help" people...ha...what do I have to give? I was given more that I have ever even understood...and I will never ever forget my time there. My life was simple. No electricity, no running water, no entertaining outside of little ones, and friends I had made there. We'd play cards, have tea and talk, go for a walk or a bike ride, and that was about it in ways of entertaining ourselves. Simplicity... It allowed for genuine relationships, with friends, with children, with God. Simplicity... I came home, not wearing make up, not buying all kinds of unnecessary things, just, being simple... and then I slowly forgot all about it...

I went back a third time, where I also got to visit the war torn and slowly recovering Rwanda. I got to visit Sudanese refugee camps, and again, I was back in my Uganda. My heart skipped several beats as the plane landed. I stepped out on the stair case pushed up to the plane, I tipped my face toward the sun, tears streaming down my cheeks and I breathed in a breath of that Ugandan air that I had ached for for over a year... "Oh Uganda", I swore to myself, "I will never forget your simple beauty, this time, I will truly take you home with me, forever..."

(please stay with me...there is a point)

Today, I cleaned out (for about the forth time this year) Solomon's toys. I weeded through all the madness. Will and I always promised (before we had ever had children...I was pregnant) that Solomon would have one medium sized basket of toys...and if it didn't fit inside the basket, we didn't need it...well that didn't happen. I filled up another huge garbage bag of things that he has acquired over the last month or two since I last did this...just of things that he doesn't need. Oh gosh... I cried. I just got so sad. We have so much, too much, Solomon probably has 30 shirts...WHY? Why do I have that many shirts? Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?

I forgot you, Uganda...I forgot you, simplicity. I forgot all about you. In wanting to give my husband and my son "the life" I forgot all about the true and lasting joy that IS simplicity. I lost sight of what is most important...

I have a friend, Sennyonjo, and his wife and three little sons, who work to care for orphans. Sennyonjo, an orphan himself, watched his family be killed by rebels in the genocide of the 90's. He has three kids who probably have very few toys. I have a friend April who is Canadian. Her and her husband live in Uganda ministering to broken people. They have three little ones, who do not have a lot. I know many people like this. Happy children, happy people, living with very little. I talked to April today via email and she said they would be SO happy to receive some DVD's for her and her husband, and the kids, and toys or whatever fun treats we wanted to send their way. I am going to do a good bit of this...hoping that I can cut our family's belongings in half, while giving to people around us who need it.

The city of Lira is in Uganda...kind of northern/central-ish. A new city official was elected not too long ago. He had this great vision for this desolate, abandoned, broken, war torn village...so, yes, he had this huge vision for this place. In three years...he wanted every person to...are you ready...?

To own 2 shirts...

How do I go about my day, living in this sad, over consuming world? In my heart, I would sell everything I have, cars, clothes, everything...to take my family and go back to Uganda... Unfortunately, that isn't where God has us, as a family, now. My ministry is my husband, my son, the people around me, here, now.

I am working hard at being content here. But because of this entire study I am learning how to live out what is in my heart, even if buried deep down, here, now, with what I have been given.

Our new goals, as a family, is to really get ride of many many many things. We want to start giving ourselves away more. We want to do more for the people in our lives who need things more than we do. It's a start...and tiny tiny tiny start...but it is a start...to living simply.

I Love Them!

A Daddy and His Babies...

I was laying in bed two nights ago,next to Will (duh!) and I said this, "You know, when I tell you I wish I wasn't married to you, I mean it!! (hahaha)  In those crazy heated moments.  BUT the truth is, I am so happy that I found my best friend.  We get to be married for as long as God gives us...its going to be fun, the rest of our lives..."  He is such a great dad.  I love watching my children love their dad so very much. 

My slender husband was going to take Solomon out in the 3 feet of snow at his parents house.  They live in many acres of land and it's up a hill so they get more snow than we do.  Will bundled up in the biggest baggiest, most ridiculous snow clothes I have ever seen.  It was hilarious.  I could not stop laughing...oh...but it gets better...

This one is my favorite.  Will's dad was hunting for deer to murder :( in the woods and to prevent Will from getting mistake for the poor helpless deer (although they were no where near the hunting grounds), he wore this awesome orange tree branch vest.  Definately the key piece to this outfit.

Love

Zoo Zoo Zoo

Solomon has been asking to go to the zoo lately. The weather has been so awful that we haven't been able to. (Plus it was closed). So finally last weekend. We got some sunshine and some none-freezing temperature so we headed. Our photos tell the story...

(Note: We spent 99% of the trip inside the aquarium.  If you cannot tell by the awe struck look on Solomons face, he is IN LOVE with sharks and divers.  When that diver waved to him, I thought he was going to apss out!!!  he was soooo excited!!!And all the phtos were taken with my cell phone so sorry if some are blurry.)

Trying Our Best...

Trying me best at so many things...and always seeing to come short...this seems to be the theme of my life.

My sweet Shiloh is rolling from back to tummy now. She is laughing and chatting up a storm. I love her. She is so cuddly. Im convinced that if she could spend the rest of her life in someones arms, she totally would. That said, she is also SO content when she is put down. She spins all around in her excersaucer and plays with her little toys. She drags her favorite toys to her mouth and just plays like a crazy babe...she is wonderful and magical. She got a little cold recently, nothing to fuss over, just restless for a night...

Which brings me to a recent visitor. Jen came to visit. She and I spent in Will's and my room with Shiloh and the boys camped out in Solomons room. It was fun...well by fun I mean, one night we tossed and turned and got to sleep WAY to late...the next night, Shiloh was awake like every ten minutes and the night after that, good sleep finally came. She took some photos of us, which I cannot wait to see (hint hint) and also had about 5 other shoots that she did here. Can't wait to see those either.

Solomon started preschool yesterday. Orentation consisted of us parents listening to a run down of the day and month while the kids had free play and then the kids cleaned up to come listen to a story...Now my sweet Solomon is not a fan of play ending. He was very said that he had to give up a motorcycle that he was playing with to have circle time. He raised his hand and tearfully said, "Excuse me, I am having a hard time!!" His teacher was very sweet and told him that it will get easier as time goes on. I know she is right. Structure like that will do him good. Im excited to see him begin loving school. They sang If You're Happy And You Know It and he came home singing it for the rest of the day. That really warmed my heart. First day of school photos featured below :)

I have to add that I do not enjoy this photo of me...eww..I look terrible...but how cute is Solomon???

Hello cute preschooler!!!

I think I caught Will off guard

I forget if I have mentioned this or not. Will is committing two years to be his dads associate. Which for me is a HUGE relief. I do not like paying bills, AT ALL. But I like it even less when our income changes every month. So this way, things feel much safer. We are working on getting out moving debt paid off and once we do that, we are going to put all that money toward...dun dun dun...a NEW CAR!!! I am really over sharing a car. Im ready to have a nice comfortable 2 cars. I knw that puts us in like the 5% wealthiest people in the world, and ok ok ok ...I don't need but I will be truely thankful for it. On the money topic. Will and I (emphasis on the I since I do our bills) had slacked off on tything...simply because we just didnt have any extra. Well I decided that I was just going to trust that God would provide...and lo and behold, the first month...to the DOLLAR, we had just enough to pay everything. That made me feel so cared for by my creator...I am so thankful that we made that choice to trust that God would take care ofus...because he does and He always will.

We booked our flights to CALIFORNIA!!! We get to go home for 10 lovely days and it could not come any quicker!!! WE are going in October and I am SO excited. I miss everyone and everything more than I ever thought I would. Its been really hard on me lately. I miss the cultural diversity. Its SO different being in a town of ALL white people. I mean, seriously, seeing an African American is like shocking...and an Asian, Indian, or Latino...I would gasp. I miss that. I miss having Solomon around diversity. I miss good restaurants (there are like 900 different pizza places, Italian Restaurants  and McDonalds...no Open Sesame, Ngoma, heck even BJ's, Baja Fresh, Don Joses and Jamba Juice have me tearing up in homesickness.) I cannot wait to go home for a visit. Im really looking forward to good food and good company...not that I don't have that here, because I do. I love where we live even though it has annoying traits, but so did California...I have made awesome friends here, really kind lovely people and I am happy that we can afford a nice, spacious place to live. That is something we could not currently have in California.

A lot has been on my mind lately in regards to people and trusting so heavily in the medical community. How can you do it? How can you just beg for antibiotics or some other drug just to eliminate your symptoms instead of asking questions, educating yourself and getting to the seed of the problem. I cannot believe people would put their children on life long doses of HARMFUL things, rather than change their diet, get to the cause, and eliminate the problem all together. It really makes me sad. I know so many people dealing with ear infection after ear infection, or constant breathing treatments, or constipation and all they do is drug them up...makes me so sad...I can't even touch on it. I know most people are doing their best, but I just don't understand why so few people ask questions. Its as if they trust a stranger more than they trust themselves as the MOTHER/FATHER of the child. No one could tell me something was the best for my child...I know what is best for him. There is a place for medical professionals to assist parents in making serious decisions like in emergency rooms for drastic emergencies...but not for constipation and colds...my goodness...no wonder this society is so unhealthy...and no wonder MDs and Ins Co's get bigger and better cars/houses/swimming pools as the days go by....sad...makes me so sad.

TV fasting is still semi in place. It wasn't a permanent thing but it has made our lives SOOOO much more wonderful!!! Solomons addiction to it is totally gone. IF he watched TV at all, its only for about 30 minutes or so. WE LOVE IT!!! HE loves to play so much more now...and I could not be more thrilled.

I am struggling a little bit. With some anger. I feel like Im always angry at myself for not being enough...not being who or what I want to be. I have such high standards on myself and it is tiring, exhausting and disappointing. I hold others to these standards, whether it be my husband, ids, or friends....and I don't want to be angry when other and myself cannot live up to these ludicrous standards...i want to give the anger up. More than that, I want to lower my standards, relax a little, enjoy the moment and be present.

Finally. I have been working out. I have like 50lbs to lose!!! I still have 20 from Shilohs pregnancy and another 20 that I never lost with Solomon...I know that is only 40 but, ok 50 would be awesome! I started doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I got everyone I know doing it because it is a 20 minute work out that seriously KICKS MY BUTT! Because I am nursing, I didn't want to diet or restrict my eating (I eat very healthy for the most part and I need to eat a good bit to keep my milk supply up...its just how my body works). that in conjunction with some burst training has landed me 8lbs lighter in 4 weeks and stronger than I think Ive ever been. Im proud of myself for sticking to it, scared of failing at it, but I wanted to say it because its important to me, no matter the outcome.

So many times in life, I lose my focus...actually so many times in my DAY I lose focus and I need to stay grounded...its hard for me. Emotionally, I can be so unstable...but thankfully, I have awesome family and friends to see me through...

On Fasting and Sitting...

My guys just went on a an "evening stroll" as Solomon said. I love them...so much.

We are in the middle of a super fab adventure. TV fast. LOVE IT!!! Solomon was out out out of control addicted (as were Will and I do turning it on so that WE could selfishly have TOOOOO many breaks). So...Will suggested a TV fast...which is SUPER ironic because Cara Noel (who is someone that I dont KNOW KNOW...but we met at The Aids Walk in the OC and went to Rock Harbor together) was suggesting the same thing. I was longing for something like this but hate always being the one to suggest things like that to Will... Answer to prayer :) WE LOVE IT!!! It is amazing! Solomon is like a whole new child. IT was a bit like a heroine detox at first...he was freaking out the first morning...but now he says "I don't watch TV right? Can I play outside???" I am so so so so so happy!!! Cannot express how happy. We spend so much more time as a family...I am just sooo stinking happy.

My sweet litle baby girl is growing up too fast...I can hardly take it. She...umm...wants to sit up. She is nearly 4 months...how did this happen. I fear she is teething too...because she bites me mulitple times with every nursing and I am really getting irritated by it!!! Grrr...

Sitting people...sitting...how can this be happening...she wants to sit up ALL THE TIME...and she fake fusses to get our attention...it is SOOOO cute...I love her...oh I love her soooo much!!!

Its bed time here...the boys are back...time to love on the babes and then some alone time with Will...hurray!!

Amusement Park Fun

We have been doing so much lately as far as hanging out with friends and family. We got season passes to a local amusement park here. We went with Candice, Patrick, Jillian and Gabriel, who are our closest friends. We love them...and as time goes on, its seems our children might tolerate eachother too haha...

Here are a few more photos of that time together (the "Friends" blog is a sweet groupd of photos that I thought should be put together:))