Prepare Yourself...and Don't Look Back.

(Random pictures are just inserted so that I can prove I have these oh so big and beautiful kids!!!)

In the silence, my head spins...and spins and spins and spins.  Actually, its spinning even in the noise.

I don't really know how to put my right now into words.  A lot is going on with in (as usual) and I feel like more days than not, I don't know who I am anymore.  I keep blaming it on some type of post pardum imbalance mixed with stress, loneliness, and being in a different state than everything I've known for my entire life...plus having 2 little kids and very little to do...its a lot.  Little by little I try to sort through everything, figure out what I am missing...but the sorting continues and the piles just keep getting bigger and bigger.

Will and I, we try to "partner up" in parenting and marriage and household running, but we constantly seen to be missing each other...or taking out the stresses of life on one another.  Bickering about the stupidest crap.  I think I speak for both of us that instead of meeting in the middle to lean on one another, we are like butting heads and beating the crap (not literally haha) out of the other because it is just SUCH a stress reliever...I miss him when he is gone and I know he misses me...but the second we see eachother we just start picking on each other.  It is not a good strategy by any means!! haha.  WE have been trying to come together each night and at least have a few minutes of conversation, but its hard.  By 8 pm when he gets home, Im tired and want to go to bed...and then when he doesn't work, sometimes we just get so caught up with the kids that he and I just fade to the background...sounds like a great plan huh? ha.  We're working on it.  Its hard for me to really turn my heart inside out to him in a lot of ways...I feel like its terribly hard for him to understand struggling with depression and anxiety and the intense case of "perfection-itis" that I have.  He lets things roll off of him and holds him self at a very reasonable standard...where as I, who is clearly a little batty, have this outrageous unrealistic standards for myself and others, and its a HUGE reason why I feel to low a lot of the time.  Knowing that I can't just lower my expectations is just a whole other guilty street that I drive down daily...I hate guilt land...it sucks here.

My kids...oh my kids.  They, well, they are cute. haha.  I see so much in the world that I want to give them and teach them and then again, driving down guilty street, well, I fall so short everyday.  Recently the yelling and voice raising has apparently become my new hobby.  Its ugly.  I hate it.  And I really hate when either they look scared or scream back at me.  I was so much more calm with Solomon.  Low calm tones...now Im like a freaking hyena!!!!

The leaves are changing here.  I have a full blown panic attack here because I HATE WINTER.  At least I think I do.  Last winter was so horribly traumatic for me that I fear I wont live through another one.  But with the season change comes MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!  I actually leave in a few days to fly back to California alone and get here.  We are driving back, with my mom...and then we are moving to a bigger house. woohoo/omg I can't believe we are moving AGAIN!!!  The next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind...Im a little scared but I am soooo thankful that April is going to live here, with us...AND that we get more space in out house.

Im trying to figure out what happened to me.  I know A LOT has changed in the last 2 years.  My world has sorta been rocked.  And I know that I have been so resistant to change, because, well, it hurts sometimes.  Accepting what is is NOT fun.  And I am struggling.  Deeply.  Since I stopped nursing, I have put on some of the weight that I worked my butt off to lose and I am so angry about that.  I am not who I want to be, and I am angry about that.  I have lost sight of the person I want to be...and I think that is where the problem may lie.  Why did I lose sight?  My focus was so steady at some point...until its not.  Why does this happen?  I keep wanting to "go back to a place" where I had it...but that is WRONG.  And honestly, I am just figuring this out as I type it.  I cannot go back.  I cannot go back to living in Uganda and finding that spiritual fulfillment.  I cannot go back to having tea every night with Sophie, Adam and Moses.  I cannot go back to a time where I live in California surrounded in all my familiarness.  I cannot go back to having the body of a woman who didn't have two children (dammit!!!).  I have GOT to move forward...I HAVE TO. 

On my dads birthday (the 16th), everything really just ruptured.  It hurt so deeply that I couldn't breathe.  The news we got was just earth shattering and Im having difficulty "staying positive" as they say.  I couldn't sleep and I was up, just powering through the panic so I got on blogger and I tried...hard...to blog, but couldn't.  So I read Angie's Blog

Live Simply or Simply Live (links have been disabled, sorry)

Saturday night we went to church and we were just so glad that we went. We are doing a Sermon On The Mount (The End Of Religion) study that has been extremely heart piercing and life changing. Saturday's study was titled "Hands Free" (which was very appropriate in many ways. Here in California, since July 1st, it is now illegal to use your cell phone while driving without a hands free devise, which is pretty much the most ridiculous law I have ever heard of BUT that is another blog entirely).

He talked about about money, living simply, taking care of those around us, not being so stressed out about tomorrow and living in today, knowing that the God of all is taking care of us. Of course I cannot do it justice, even in the least. So go and listen to it here.

It got Will and I thinking about a lot. We have so much. Now, the world might see us as living off of school loans, just being able to pay our bills most months, living in my mom's guest house, BUT WOW, we have SO much! Todd (one of the pastors at Rock Harbor) read an email about a really young couple who decided that they wanted to live on only 50-60% of their income, and find ways to give the rest away. It was really a challenging thing to think about, much less to even consider. How many of us could do that? Well, all of us really. It requires an immeasurable sacrifice, or so it seems from a normal middle class American. We are in the upper 5% of the richest people in the world. How's that for sobering...I really implore you to take 40 minutes and listen to this service. (and if you are one of those over-achievers, start fromt he beginning)

My life was completely changed after my first visit to Uganda in 1999. Flying over the continent of Africa in itself was just about the MOST sobering thing that I thought could ever happen to me...until the plane landed. I road in the back of a cattle lorrie for two and half hours atop my luggage and saw things I never imagined were real. I saw little children running, jumping, yelling "hello muzungu" (foreigner) just because they saw me. I remember seeing a little boy about 7 with his little baby brother/sister strapped to his back, no adult in sight for miles, carrying a heavy jerrycan full of water up a pretty steep incline on Bombo Road. I was 17 years old and I was really scared and lonely and I cried my self to sleep for about 6 nights. But then... I fell in love. I got out of myself, I got out of my brainwashed American mind, and I fell in love. I fell in love with simplicity, with joy in spite of pain, with tender souls who had been through/seen things that you and I can only imagine. Yet, despite it all, they had a joy, a light shining from within that I had never in my life seen before...and I wanted more...

I returned to Uganda in 2001 where I stayed from March until September. I assisted a nurse in the on site clinic at the orphanage that I worked with. I taught math for a primary 4 class at the school on site. It was a tremendous experience. I made life long friends. I felt God closer than I have ever felt Him before. I experienced things that, in a lifetime, I cannot adequately express to anyone. I truly thought I would go there and just really, you know, "help" people...ha...what do I have to give? I was given more that I have ever even understood...and I will never ever forget my time there. My life was simple. No electricity, no running water, no entertaining outside of little ones, and friends I had made there. We'd play cards, have tea and talk, go for a walk or a bike ride, and that was about it in ways of entertaining ourselves. Simplicity... It allowed for genuine relationships, with friends, with children, with God. Simplicity... I came home, not wearing make up, not buying all kinds of unnecessary things, just, being simple... and then I slowly forgot all about it...

I went back a third time, where I also got to visit the war torn and slowly recovering Rwanda. I got to visit Sudanese refugee camps, and again, I was back in my Uganda. My heart skipped several beats as the plane landed. I stepped out on the stair case pushed up to the plane, I tipped my face toward the sun, tears streaming down my cheeks and I breathed in a breath of that Ugandan air that I had ached for for over a year... "Oh Uganda", I swore to myself, "I will never forget your simple beauty, this time, I will truly take you home with me, forever..."

(please stay with me...there is a point)

Today, I cleaned out (for about the forth time this year) Solomon's toys. I weeded through all the madness. Will and I always promised (before we had ever had children...I was pregnant) that Solomon would have one medium sized basket of toys...and if it didn't fit inside the basket, we didn't need it...well that didn't happen. I filled up another huge garbage bag of things that he has acquired over the last month or two since I last did this...just of things that he doesn't need. Oh gosh... I cried. I just got so sad. We have so much, too much, Solomon probably has 30 shirts...WHY? Why do I have that many shirts? Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?

I forgot you, Uganda...I forgot you, simplicity. I forgot all about you. In wanting to give my husband and my son "the life" I forgot all about the true and lasting joy that IS simplicity. I lost sight of what is most important...

I have a friend, Sennyonjo, and his wife and three little sons, who work to care for orphans. Sennyonjo, an orphan himself, watched his family be killed by rebels in the genocide of the 90's. He has three kids who probably have very few toys. I have a friend April who is Canadian. Her and her husband live in Uganda ministering to broken people. They have three little ones, who do not have a lot. I know many people like this. Happy children, happy people, living with very little. I talked to April today via email and she said they would be SO happy to receive some DVD's for her and her husband, and the kids, and toys or whatever fun treats we wanted to send their way. I am going to do a good bit of this...hoping that I can cut our family's belongings in half, while giving to people around us who need it.

The city of Lira is in Uganda...kind of northern/central-ish. A new city official was elected not too long ago. He had this great vision for this desolate, abandoned, broken, war torn village...so, yes, he had this huge vision for this place. In three years...he wanted every person to...are you ready...?

To own 2 shirts...

How do I go about my day, living in this sad, over consuming world? In my heart, I would sell everything I have, cars, clothes, everything...to take my family and go back to Uganda... Unfortunately, that isn't where God has us, as a family, now. My ministry is my husband, my son, the people around me, here, now.

I am working hard at being content here. But because of this entire study I am learning how to live out what is in my heart, even if buried deep down, here, now, with what I have been given.

Our new goals, as a family, is to really get ride of many many many things. We want to start giving ourselves away more. We want to do more for the people in our lives who need things more than we do. It's a start...and tiny tiny tiny start...but it is a start...to living simply.

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

Part of Project-Amber-Trust-Yourself...
So I have all this paranoia that I am doing the wrong thing but waking with Shiloh and letting her nurse when she wants to nurse or cuddling/rocking her when she wants it.  I am SO glad that I re-came across THIS article...whew...makes me feel SO much better. 

Lately...

Its been an interesting week for me.  I have been up to some things...just little things.

Like...

I got this new purse.

I made my friend Jeana some cupcakes for her birthday bash at Chipotle.

Was given this magazine page by Candice because this pretty much sums Shiloh up...

I fed Shiloh peas

Then fed her her toes...

Watched this grump fuss all over me!

Hypnotized my kids with Barney.

Did some February prep...

Also, I got really overwhelemed (again) at the thought of homeschooling.  I tried to share it with Will and since he didn't seem to get it, we had a MASSIVE BLOWOUT tiff. ;)  I am so scared that I am doing the wrong thing as a parent.  I am so scared that I am ruining Solomon and Shiloh.  I worry so much about this.  Sometimes I do feel so alone because it is hard to find the "you're doing a great job" feeling inside of me.  I feel like if I had the right discipline techniques, Solomon would stop saying things like "stupid" and "shut up." Or if I was "tough eoung" I would let Shiloh cry herself to sleep every night until she slept alone, through the night.  I second guess everything I do and I just wish I would trust myself.  In my heart, I feel like I KNOW what my kids need, but with so many different people around, I always let thier opinions or ways of doing things cloud my view.  I'm trying really hard to just trust my heart, because I know that I have wonderful, attached children, who are so connected with us, other people, and thier own emotions and hearts, and so maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right.  I am trying with my whole heart and I just really want to have the right perspective and attitude.

Speaking of perspective, Kara Noel at Eli's Lids wrote THIS and wow...it is powerful.  Its a really short, wonderful read.  I cried (shocker right? ;))

A Daddy and His Babies...

I was laying in bed two nights ago,next to Will (duh!) and I said this, "You know, when I tell you I wish I wasn't married to you, I mean it!! (hahaha)  In those crazy heated moments.  BUT the truth is, I am so happy that I found my best friend.  We get to be married for as long as God gives us...its going to be fun, the rest of our lives..."  He is such a great dad.  I love watching my children love their dad so very much. 

My slender husband was going to take Solomon out in the 3 feet of snow at his parents house.  They live in many acres of land and it's up a hill so they get more snow than we do.  Will bundled up in the biggest baggiest, most ridiculous snow clothes I have ever seen.  It was hilarious.  I could not stop laughing...oh...but it gets better...

This one is my favorite.  Will's dad was hunting for deer to murder :( in the woods and to prevent Will from getting mistake for the poor helpless deer (although they were no where near the hunting grounds), he wore this awesome orange tree branch vest.  Definately the key piece to this outfit.

Love

When Baby Makes Two...what do I do???

I'm having a hard time with the fact that Solomon's two and a half years have passed me by so quickly. What have I been doing in this short time that made it zoom past me in what seems like a blink... Just last year, this was him... Now he is THIS.

He is going to be a big brother and I'm just not sure how I feel about that. I am super emotional and very worried about having two kids. There was a lot of favortisim going on when I was growing up and Im terrified of reversing it and always favoring Solomon. My fear gets a lot larger if our new baby is a girl, simply because I just feel like I haven't a clue what to do with a girl. I'm far from girlie, and the worst part is I feel completely incapable of teaching a little girl how to love herself dispite the hatred that this world offers her. I know God will give me the strength but it's a bit daunting. Talking to Candice yesterday, and hearing her sweet Jillian (20 months) ask the sweetest questions about her new little 1 month old brother Gabriel, made me feel a lot beter, and really excited... I really cannot wait for this little one to get here, but it does come with a lot of uncertianty...

I good thing would probably be for me to STOP blogging when I am feeling so hormonal...I feel like all I ever do is complain and rant on this blog... I want it to be a happy place...haha...good luck for the next 5 months I guess!!!

A Whole Lotta'...

Things...they are overall going pretty well.

The bottle...to update, has resurfaced, mostly by my (and Will's choice). Solomon had one of his famous fevers on Wednesday night, which thankfully broke on Thursday morning, but since he had a fever, we decided he deserved a bottle...haha...mostly, we just wanted him to have the bottle for a little longer, until, as an AP family, we all feel like its time to move on. We all just weren't ready yet. After reading yahoo questions and finding all kinds of answers about pretty much every 2 year old on the planet (haha not really, but there were hundreds) having a bottle and eventually coming off of it, we just decided that it would be worth it for us all to be comfortable...

Will's dad came for a visit. He arrived Thursday and left Saturday. He was so sweet and plesant. Solomon has only seen him a few times so it was nice to reintroduce him, and see just how much they adored eashother. On Thursday Bill (Wills dad) wanted us to go toys'r'us, which was also his first visit there, and said he could get whatever he wanted...ahhhhh...He was even willing to get him a $500 ride on powered jeep thing...whew...we escaped it though. We ended up leaving with a big talking Mater from CARS, a powered by remote control CAT backhoe loader, and a Mack from CARS that opens up to be McQueens living space. Pretty awesome.  We were very grateful that Bill wanted to do something so special like that for Solomon. It was very sweet. We also attempted a movie...haha...attempted. We saw about 20 minutes of Wall-E until Solomon decided he had DEFINITELY had enough. Overall, it was a great day. Friday we picked Bill up from the hotel and were off to the LA Zoo. Bill and Solomon really enjoyed their time together. It was a great day. Saturday we just met him for dinner and talked about the upcoming move to PA and what it would be like to start a practice there (he has a great Chiro practice there as well) and Solomon entertained us...it was great to have such a pleasant visit with him.




I have been a little down lately. Solomon seems to hate me! He cries with I walk in to get him up from his nap. He SCREAMS for daddy. It takes me ages to calm him down. I just feel awful  At night/in the morning, if I even show my head before Will does, he just completely melts down! Thanks a lot buddy, I birth you and this is the thanks I get...it makes me sad. I have heard a lot of people say that it's common but it doesn't hurt my feelings any less. Will is gone a lot! But not so much so that I think it makes it worse. Solomon gets to upset when he sees Will start to get a dress shirt and tie on...he just goes crazy thinking of excuses to get Will to sit down and stay. I just feel like a boring old maid...I miss my cuddly boy who loved me...hopefully this passes soon!



My sweet  friend Sophie (she and her son, Adam (who was 4 at the time), were pretty much my "other half" while living in Uganda...they are just AMAZING!!! She has since married, she has a beautiful step daughter and a little 3 year old name Josh and new baby Jude) had a baby 2 weeks ago...here is a picture to enjoy of her two boys, Adam and Jude and her hotness...TWO weeks after giving birth. She said her home birth went really well, apart from he midwife dropping Jude as he came out...yikes!!! oopsie!



In other news, while eating lunch Solomon looks at me and says, "Momma, poop on potty." I was like, "uh now.....ok!" And I got him up from the table, sat him on the toilet, and Ta-Da!!! I have a picture of it haha, but I will spare you.

Also, I burnt my lip. I was having this tiny little vegan pizza pocket type thing, that was WAY hotter than I thought. Some of the sauce, which was SOOO hot, shot out on my lip and it was just so painful. I had this big blister for 5 days. Gross...the picture doesn't really do it justice, but yes, not fun.


Will and I have been at each others throats lately...again. You know, of all the things that can cause stress on a family, you add in, living in a country that is illegally at war, which is causing oil prices to soar, which makes everything else more expensive, you have the economy plummeting and the housing market bottoming out, our planet is so polluted it's causing horrific climate change that is terrorizing the whole world, toxins fill the air, not to mention the sad state of the church, and it's A LOT to take in as a young family. Our parents don't understand the level of stress that we are under because they bought houses that were 60K and had a secure economy and, at that time, only a semi-corrupt government. It is sometimes hard for us to even talk to them about it because "they made it" and "they have been there." Then there are the super fun conversations that end with "Well Amber needs to get a job, and work when you get home." Which is 7pm...so I guess I need to be a bartender, work 7pm-2am and wake up with my son at 5am...yeah...You understand right...? It all puts pressure on us and we just take things out on each other. It doesn't help that we don't get alone time together, we don't have our own room and we just long for a time when we will have it. We know it's just a season and we are trying to just take it as it comes and enjoy all the happy moments, that hopefully some day we can look back at, and laugh! I am so grateful that I have a husband who works so hard for our family...so that I do not have to be a bartender haha...

Against My Inner Grain

In trying to help Solomon sleep through the night, (as I have already said in previous blogs) we are trying to wean Solomon off of bottles and reduce his (what seem like, very needed) 2 naps to 1. This is the first time we, as an AP family, have kinda forced him to do something before he initiated/showed signs of being ready for it. For us, the main motivation is trying to help him sleep through the night. He just keeps waking up terribly early (we're talking like 3:45-4:30) and wakes 3-4 times a night and can't fall back to sleep with out some form of soy milk.

Our plan was to try and switch from a bottle to a sippe cup at first, which transistioned with few tears, almost seamlessly. Then, we thought we would start moving the milk closer and closer to meal time and furter away from nap/bed time. It hasn't worked yet. he cries for water at meal time and cries for milk at nap time. We are still stuck with a sippie of milk before nap/bed time and at a loss of how to change. We really try, if he wakes at night and begs for milk, to offer other things, ie: cuddling, rocking, giving him "chills", singing, but for the most part, he will wait up 3 hours if we make him, until he get's his milk. Part of me thinks, if this is how it is going to be, then we should just give him back his bottle. At least the bottle goes straight back to be swallowed, instead of swishing around in his mouth as with a sippie cup.

I want him to feel comfortable over all. He is very active and when he is tired he is a complete bear! So cutting out the nap and trying to nix the bottle has been tough. I don't want to make life tough on him. My gut tells me to just let him have his naps and his bottles, as he likes...because going against him like this is just so against the grain of our family.

I need suggestions...anyone?