A Little Girl...

This pregnancy has flown by in so many ways. With Wills graduation, our cross country move and pretty much the busiest little toddler on the planet, all of a sudden, this little girl is almost here. I have struggled in ways that I didn't with Solomon. My emotions have been off the charts...so many rough days, major struggles with anxiety, depression and anger. I have also really been dealing with attaching to this baby. I have a lot of fear about mothering a little girl. I haven't been able to get very enthusiastic about this baby and I'm already feeling mommy guilt because of it. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother and I don't know what a mother/daughter love feels like. I say that for no other reason than my mom isn't capable of offering me that and that is just what it is...I have come to grips with that and we function accordingly. But I want more for my own daughter. I want her to feel as if she is the light of my life. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to feel beautiful. I want to be someone she can count on. I know I will fail at all of these many times but I at least know that this is what I want for my daughter.

There are a lot of things that make me nervous about having a little baby again...especially a girl. All of the things I have been feeling have been overshadowed by everything that is going on...and I have been feeling so much anticipation of having my sister come and live with us this summer that I am trying to just stop thinking of the negative things.

This little girl moves at least as much as Solomon...but I think a little more. At first (because Im such a darn pessamist) I just kept dreading having two wild children :). But one night I was just basking in her movement...and I really felt like God just picked me up and reminded me how this all started. It was purely His doing that this baby came down to us. And I knew knew knew that there was a baby waiting to come down to us...I could feel this child beckoning to us and was really disappointed that we didn't really try hard enough to get pregnant...I was THRILLED when I found out it had been enough...and then when I found out we were having a girl, I began to second guess what I had felt... All of that to say...as she was thrashing around within me, I was reminded of those feelings from the very beginning...I was reminded that our family needs her and she needs us...we are a perfect fit for the other and I found such a peace about that.

We really enjoy our midwife and are hoping that our birth goes smoothly. Again, I am not really nervous and I feel more prepared for this birth that I did with Solomons...although I felt the same way before Solomons birth too haha. It is really nice having a health care professional who cares about what you want and actually cares about the health of your baby too...doesn't just spend every prenatal visit trying to figure out if something is wrong with the child or not. I feel bad for new moms. SO many mothers are scared in to doing things, whether by doctors, family or other moms...and they don't have to be. Christy is an avid voice for midwifery and mothers trusting God with their bodies...but she brought up a good point. Often ones faith in God kinda flies out the window during birth..."I can't do it" "My body doesn't work" "I don't do pain" and the truth is, apart from emergency cases (which we are lucky to have medical technology in those cases) God created our bodies to do this...he creaeted us for this...we work...our bodies aren't disfunctional whimpy nothings...they are strong powerhouses that are capable of giving our children everything they need from the very beginning. I don't say this with judgement or with eyes looking down on anyone...but I do think it is a scary time when we start putting more trust in man made medicine. One thing that I love about things like Chinese Medicine, Chiropractic Medicine, Midwifery...is that it IS scriptural...Jesus himself practiced putting his hands on people and the power that the body has to restore and heal itself. It is encouraging to me. I have become some who basically doesn't trust the medical community at all...apart from emergencies (stitches, broken bones, real emergencies) because it has done nothing but make me sicker and unhealthy. As a mother, I wont have someone tell me what I HAVE to do in my birth...the tests I HAVE to have, the monitoring that I HAVE to have, the pointless IV's stuck in my arm for NO REASON, the ridiculous tests they want to perform on my newborn, the gunk they want to throw in my babies eyes, and the toxic waste they want to fill my babies bodies...I am their mother. God gave them to me. I am fully equppied to birth them and care for them and I will decide what goes in/on their bodies...not you!!! Again this isn't emergencies Im talking about...because that is where medicine has its place...but not in our every day lives. It does nothing but make us sicker. I am thankful for the choices I have...and hope that I always make the right ones.

Solomon seems to be bonding with his sister. And oh how sweet it is. He knows she lives in my belly for now...although he thinks more along the line of "in my belly button." He talks to her and hugs her and it is just the sweetest thing. The other day he was in the bathroom with me as I was about to shower. I had my clothes off and he looked and ran to me..."MY BABY!!!!" he said and grabbed my stomach. It was SUPER sweet. Two days ago we were napping and he woke up a little early for my liking so I just layed there with my eyes clothes. He started rubbing my face with his silky blanket (which is a rare treat because NO ONE touches his blanket). Then he lifted up my shirt and started rubbing it on my my stomach. I thought it was sweet...but I melted when he wispered "I just love my sister very very much." Awwwww...seriously...too much. I can't wait for him to meet her. It is going to be the sweetest thing ever.

We have everything but ONE box unloaded now, thanks to Aprils visit. (49 more days until she comes back!!!) So now we can start hanging things on the walls and really getting ready for this baby...its exciting and a whole gammet of emotions...pray for us as we prepare...

Happy Pity Party Tooooo....

MEEEEEEEEE!!!

Im having a crappy day. It's my birthday. Yesterday, well it was supposed to be fabulous. Will got tickets to the ballet...Romeo et Juliet...well we bickered and I'll be honest, argued all day!!! No fun...then we made up and tried to enjoy the rest of our night...the ballet was awesome though.

Will has to work today...so I invited my two good friends over to spend the day with me...well one got sick and the other text me this morning to say she couldn't come...I started bawling my eyes out. I think Im homesick for the first time. In CA, birthdays are big deals...its kind of stupid I guess...its like you're turing 5 every year. And my birthday is always near this three day weekend so its like birthday fun all weekend, at least...but here I sit...just me and Solomon all day...with no car. Im making my own bday dinner and my own bday cake...Im sorry...Im just sad...

Its the baby's fault...right??? ;)

Nuts

Learning how to cope with my life right now is a challenge to say the least. I cannot even begin to put into words the amount of stress I feel drowning me right now. I have been struggling so terribly with managing my emotions right now, which are, to put mildly, completely out of my control. This feeling is just terrible. I feel weak and sad and lonely and grumpy and tired and severly anxious. Yesterday, was definately the worst day Solomon and I have ever had together. I was a horrible mother (which is something I never thought I would be calling myself so often) and took every out of control emotion out on my sweet 2 year old son. (In my defense, he really was being far from sweet for awhile.)

You see, we sold Wills car and he works every day so he has been taking the car. Yesterday, he had the car, both of my strollers in it and it was really cold outside so Solomon and I were both feeling extremely pent up and frustrated with the other. If I would have been thinking clearly (I am fighting off depression everyday...this pregnancy and its hormonal changes are just really tearing me up...in fact, I wouldn't said I'm suceeding in the "fight") I would have seen Solomons frustration and taken care of it, however that might have been, instead of taking all of MY frsutration out on him. Gosh, Im still crying overe my behavior today. I lost my temper, disciplined out of nothing but angry, yelled and was not ever near "gentle" with him...gosh. Its terrible. Usually we work with gentle discipline and I totally and completely failed yesterday. I finally just had to walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I cried and cried. My heart was racing and I was shaking because I was so upset, slightly with Solomon, mostly with myself. I just sat down a cried and breathed for a minute. Solomon was at the door crying..."Momma are you sad? I'm sorry!! PLEASE hold me Momma." So of course I opened the door and held him and we talked about how we were both feeling angry. I called Will and we talked. I realized I was having a really bad anxiety attack but its been a while since I had had one so I didn't recognize it right away. Will talked with me, I did some breathing and then I came down a bit and started seeing things a little more rationally.

Solomon was still acting extremely testy but I became the calm time out natzi...I kid you not, he probably had about 30 time outs yesterday...but his behavior drastically changed. He was really listening well and talking kindly and obeying...I was really proud of him. He is, over all a wonderful angel of a child, but we have out days. I totally blame myself for yesterday and it didn't help that my out of balance behavior disrupted his centeredness, but doing a bazillion time out really helped him center himself and get back on track. We both did.

Solomon is extremely sensitive to peoples emotions and he kept asking me the entire day, "Momma are you happy now? Are you frustrated? Are you sad?" It was a great opportunity for us to talk more about emotions and for me to talk about how I had mishandled the day.

Today, needless to say...we tok Will to work and had the car...so we went to Target and looked around...and then met up with my sister...Now we are home, about to each lunch, and then we will nap.

I literally felt like I was going nuts yesterday. I HATE those days.

Victimhood and Perspective

A lot has been weighing heavy on my lately...in fact, Im sure that I will not get through this blog without weeping.

I will be the first to admit that I very often put myself in a role of the "victim." My mom is wicked, my husband doesn't stick up for me all the times that I think he should, I have to do without so much, Solomon is extremely active and wears me out and I never get breaks...blah blah blah... Even on this blog, which I use as an outlet of emotional expression at times, it must get a little annoying to read about how "woe is me" I am always feeling. There are people in my life who have this same problem, and I find myself wanting to completely bow out gracefully because I just cannot take it when it seems someones identity is solely a big ol' victim. The truth of the matter is this...everyone has "hard lives" ...but do I? Do we? Bad mom blah blah blah...get over it...move on. Love her despite herself. Build the relationship that you CAN have instead of pinning over what you may never have...because there is a good chance that we may all find ourselves in similar situations in the future...and I know that if I hurt my son, I don't want to be hated...I want to be loved, forgiven, and I need to offer that same thing to my own mother.

Do we have it rough? Of course some people do...but perspective...wow, has that been hitting me hard lately. As people (especially from the West) I think we find ourselves being a little egocentric. There aren't many people who take into account the lives of others, especially those around the world. Sitting and wallowing, as I often do, can be sobered up right quick if you allow yourself to start thinking of others...allow me to give some examples of people in my own life.

When I first visited Uganda in 1999, my dearest (British) friend, Sophie, a nurse, was taking me for a tour in one of the local hospitals. Kiwoko Hopspital is actually a really nice facility considering it's in the middle of the bush. As we wandered around we started hearing the cry of what was obviously a very small baby. We followed her cry and I gasped when we found her. She was in a room, alone, on a woven mat laid on the concrete floor. She was covered from head to toe in bandages that were covered in yellow puss and slime. She was a burn victim, alone, in pain, infected, with no one to comfort and hold her. She couldn't have been more than 3-4 months old. Who knows how long she had be laying there alone and crying. Who knows if anyone would ever come for her. I wept there on my knees. I felt ill and had to go outside to breathe. This was the worst thing I had ever seen....but for this little baby, it was just reality...

Perspective.

I little boy I know, who in 1999, was 8 years old and blind in one eye. He fell several stories out of a mango tree and a branch pierced through his eye and destroyed his optic nerve. He was walking me home one night, holding my hand and I said, "Muyango, are you ever angry at God for Him allowing you to fall and lose your eye site?" His answer just about caused me to faint... "No Auntie Amber. I actually feel that God loves me more than I ever knew...I could have died, but instead, God saved my life and only took away the eye site of one eye." Eight years old folks...

Perspective.

When I lived in Uganda in 2001, I was visiting someone in the hospital and next to me in the childrens ward was a teeny tiny baby girl. Her caretaker was with her. I asked how she was and why she was there... While her mother had been working in the garden, someone had come into her home and raped her 6 month old baby girl. They didn't know if she would live or not.

Perspective.

My friend, Sennyonjo, watched his family murdered by rebel soldiers. Sisters raped and killed. Brother and father stabbed with a machete right before his young 9 year old eyes.

Perspective.

Adrienne, who lost 5 babies to miscarriages, just endured a failed adoption. I've wept for her because I cannot imagine how terrible that feels. It's such a sad story and it really breaks my heart just to think about it.

Perspective.

My lifelong friend, Charlene, after trying to get pregnant for so long, lost the baby and almost died due to a tubal pregnancy...and then not long after lost her mother suddenly.

Perspective.

My sweet, precious friend Abby, on the night before thanksgiving was told that her 6 month old nephew, Noah, had died in his sleep. His mommy, Rebecca, had laid him down for a nap and checked on him periodically...the last time she checked on him he was face down and blue. The paramedics came and tried to revive him but could not. What was it like for her to find her baby in his crib, lifeless, gone, never to cry, smile, laugh again? What was it like to see the paramedics trying to revive him, thinking "of course they will be able to" only to see them fail? What does it feel like every night to know that when you wake up, he still wont be there. How do you explain to their toddler, Emma, that her little brother is gone? How does his daddy, Richard, live everyday without his little baby boy? How did Rebecca watch Noah be taken away to know that he would never be coming back? This is a family that is so close and loving and sensitive and wonderful and I have cried everyday since finding this horrible news out on Wednesday in tears, praying and finding little to no consolation.

Perspective.

Even though I never got to meet Noah, my heart has been broken in a way I had never imagined by this loss. It has broken me and sobered me and put life into perspective for me. It put me into a spiral...thinking of all those JUST in my life who have actual tragedies. Having a mother who makes mistakes and fails me a lot, is NOT a tragedy. Its something to just get over, and move on from. It made me confident that no matter what goes on in most of our lives, we can always find someone who has it much harder. God is my refuge and my strength and in ALL things He is in control. Its really hard to believe when peoples children are being taken from them, and little babies are getting raped and children are starving to death and seeing their parents murdered...why does all of this happen? I can't understand it but I am trying my hardest to pull myself out of all pity parties and put things into perspective...

Life has changed for me...let me never forget it.

Perspective...whats yours?

A New Season Is Upon Us.

At the end of this week, your baby officially enters the second trimester of development. Although only 3 inches from crown to rump and weighing just half an ounce, she looks, well, human! Her eyes have moved from the sides of her head to the front, and her ears are in their normal position. She's also got reflexes--if you prod her, she'll squirm (although you still won't feel it), and her hands and feet respond to stimuli by closing or clenching.

In August, I posted this but little did I know, I was already pregnant...haha. Only for about 24 hours...but thats the way it happened. We had kinda decided, "Well lets just maybe wait..." I was disappointed, sad, even got a little depressed. I felt like it was time for us but we got scared. With our upcoming move, we just didn't know if we could handle it all. I had felt a really heavy presence surrounding me for that entire month...like a soul was beckoning to come down and be apart of our family. I went to see Dr Yu, who is the most amazing acupuncturist in all the world. (She is the amazing Dr who told me I was pregnant with Solomon a week after we conceived him...and not long after, told me it was a boy...so she's fabulous!! Not to mention she cured my life long asthma and allergies.) Dr Yu said, "Well, I'd say you're pregnant...and I'd say it's a girl!" (Im still pulling for a boy which is what the Chinese Calendar says...but of course will be happy with either) I have to say...I took a few negative tests before I finally got the positive one... and I was weeping...gosh I was just so sure that Dr Yu was wrong that I didn't even wait for Will to be home to take, what I was SURE would be, another negative test!!! I grabbed Solomon and we raced to Wills clinic to go show him the plus sign.

At first, I felt really great! I was really excited because I felt really horrible with Solomon. At the time I was a shift supervisor at Starbucks, working the opening shift, which put me at work at 4 am...so while I was always tired because of the 40 hour weeks and waking at the crack of dawn, I was able to nap when I got home and go to bed at 5pm, which I did pretty much every day. Things are different now. Im chasing around a very active toddler and that in itself is SO exhausting. Add feeling pukey everyday, and the exhaustion of pregnancy, with potty training said toddler, and its not so fun. I actually got severely depressed for about a month. I didn't leave the house for about that long and it was all I could do to get off the couch and make Solomon lunch. it was just the combination of everything...Will being gone all the time, the hormones that were making me go bonkers, staying home to make sure that Solomon was fully potty trained, feeling queasy everyday until at least 2 pm every darn day, it was just a lot. Will finally dragged me out of the house and it was as if the sun peeked its little face back into my life. Just two hours out of the house really helped me make a leap out of the low low place that I was falling deeper into. I'm SO glad it's not that bad any more...I'm showering again and doing some play dates here and there...so things are definitely brighter.

We had one appointment so far...but didn't get to hear the heartbeat so it almost doesn't feel real yet...well aside from feeling sick for three months haha. Solomon has been having his up's and down's like always. I think it was really hard on him when I was feeling so down and ill. All I could do was go from video to video or PBS show to PBS show...I felt immense guilt because I hate then the TV parents for me. Getting him out of the house has really helped him, so I'm glad to see him feeling better...now to start weaning him off the TV...any suggestions? Gosh, this child has become addicted in the worst way!

I don't look pregnant (Im still carrying around 20 lbs from the 60 that I gained with Solomon, so Im not exactly the ideal size for starting a pregnancy) but I did have to get a pair of maternity pants cause my jeans were all just too tight around the stomach...I think I've gained 3 lbs so far. Im REALLY going to make sure that I do not repeat the 60 lbs gain again...or at least try my hardest...

Im trying to dive into all things natural and home birth. I'm excited, nervous, feeling brave sometimes and terrified others. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth is on of my FAVORITE books to read for inspiration. I LOVE that the first half of the book is all homebirth/birthcenter stories. I love reading/hearing others birth stories and I really just feel so at peace with what I read in that book. Im looking for more book suggestions too so feel free to chime in ANY time.

I'm going to try and keep a lot of details here, so that I can remember this pregnancy. Working two jobs and not having children yet, I feel like I just endured my pregnancy with Solomon. I really want to cherish this one...because it might be my last. (We think we would like to adopt a third child if we decide to have more.)

In other news, its really getting close to moving and graduation time. January 6th is coming soon...we have a lot of packing to do...I just don't know when the right time is to start. Any moving advise? We are moving from the west coast to the east coast so it's going to be a big job. The good thing is, we do not have a lot of stuff. We live in a guest house, so its only one room, VERY VERY tiny, and we are leaving most of our things behind...so it wont be too too bad, but its a big job. We are definitely looking forward to a new start and our own place...

Lots of new things going on...lots of changes...and lots and lots of excitement...

Friends And Moving Away

You know, being a mom has really dipped into my social life (har har har). It's true...all my friends are virtually gone. I have a few friends that I talk to on a regular basis here in Ca, but most have just kinda faded into the background, which I guess is to be expected. I still wish I had a few friends who I could hang out with during the week or on weekends with occasionally. More of a network for Solomon and I both...we recently joined a moms group and are attending our first meetup next week...hopefully it goes well. Im looking forward to getting out of the house with Solomon. Lately I have been feeling a little debilitated by my emotions. I've been just feeling low and anxious. I'm getting really sad about moving. While there are so many upsides to going, I am still quite sad about it. I'm just really dreading January 6th...saying good bye, to my dad, oh...and my sister. Tears...everytime I think about it they come. Am I cut out for this? Im so nervous. So much will be changing for us... I'm just really worried about the future. I know that I have a good God who takes care of me, always...but never the less, the knot is still here, in the pit of my stomach...and I'm just not sure what to do about it...