Trying Our Best...

Trying me best at so many things...and always seeing to come short...this seems to be the theme of my life.

My sweet Shiloh is rolling from back to tummy now. She is laughing and chatting up a storm. I love her. She is so cuddly. Im convinced that if she could spend the rest of her life in someones arms, she totally would. That said, she is also SO content when she is put down. She spins all around in her excersaucer and plays with her little toys. She drags her favorite toys to her mouth and just plays like a crazy babe...she is wonderful and magical. She got a little cold recently, nothing to fuss over, just restless for a night...

Which brings me to a recent visitor. Jen came to visit. She and I spent in Will's and my room with Shiloh and the boys camped out in Solomons room. It was fun...well by fun I mean, one night we tossed and turned and got to sleep WAY to late...the next night, Shiloh was awake like every ten minutes and the night after that, good sleep finally came. She took some photos of us, which I cannot wait to see (hint hint) and also had about 5 other shoots that she did here. Can't wait to see those either.

Solomon started preschool yesterday. Orentation consisted of us parents listening to a run down of the day and month while the kids had free play and then the kids cleaned up to come listen to a story...Now my sweet Solomon is not a fan of play ending. He was very said that he had to give up a motorcycle that he was playing with to have circle time. He raised his hand and tearfully said, "Excuse me, I am having a hard time!!" His teacher was very sweet and told him that it will get easier as time goes on. I know she is right. Structure like that will do him good. Im excited to see him begin loving school. They sang If You're Happy And You Know It and he came home singing it for the rest of the day. That really warmed my heart. First day of school photos featured below :)

I have to add that I do not enjoy this photo of me...eww..I look terrible...but how cute is Solomon???

Hello cute preschooler!!!

I think I caught Will off guard

I forget if I have mentioned this or not. Will is committing two years to be his dads associate. Which for me is a HUGE relief. I do not like paying bills, AT ALL. But I like it even less when our income changes every month. So this way, things feel much safer. We are working on getting out moving debt paid off and once we do that, we are going to put all that money toward...dun dun dun...a NEW CAR!!! I am really over sharing a car. Im ready to have a nice comfortable 2 cars. I knw that puts us in like the 5% wealthiest people in the world, and ok ok ok ...I don't need but I will be truely thankful for it. On the money topic. Will and I (emphasis on the I since I do our bills) had slacked off on tything...simply because we just didnt have any extra. Well I decided that I was just going to trust that God would provide...and lo and behold, the first month...to the DOLLAR, we had just enough to pay everything. That made me feel so cared for by my creator...I am so thankful that we made that choice to trust that God would take care ofus...because he does and He always will.

We booked our flights to CALIFORNIA!!! We get to go home for 10 lovely days and it could not come any quicker!!! WE are going in October and I am SO excited. I miss everyone and everything more than I ever thought I would. Its been really hard on me lately. I miss the cultural diversity. Its SO different being in a town of ALL white people. I mean, seriously, seeing an African American is like shocking...and an Asian, Indian, or Latino...I would gasp. I miss that. I miss having Solomon around diversity. I miss good restaurants (there are like 900 different pizza places, Italian Restaurants  and McDonalds...no Open Sesame, Ngoma, heck even BJ's, Baja Fresh, Don Joses and Jamba Juice have me tearing up in homesickness.) I cannot wait to go home for a visit. Im really looking forward to good food and good company...not that I don't have that here, because I do. I love where we live even though it has annoying traits, but so did California...I have made awesome friends here, really kind lovely people and I am happy that we can afford a nice, spacious place to live. That is something we could not currently have in California.

A lot has been on my mind lately in regards to people and trusting so heavily in the medical community. How can you do it? How can you just beg for antibiotics or some other drug just to eliminate your symptoms instead of asking questions, educating yourself and getting to the seed of the problem. I cannot believe people would put their children on life long doses of HARMFUL things, rather than change their diet, get to the cause, and eliminate the problem all together. It really makes me sad. I know so many people dealing with ear infection after ear infection, or constant breathing treatments, or constipation and all they do is drug them up...makes me so sad...I can't even touch on it. I know most people are doing their best, but I just don't understand why so few people ask questions. Its as if they trust a stranger more than they trust themselves as the MOTHER/FATHER of the child. No one could tell me something was the best for my child...I know what is best for him. There is a place for medical professionals to assist parents in making serious decisions like in emergency rooms for drastic emergencies...but not for constipation and colds...my goodness...no wonder this society is so unhealthy...and no wonder MDs and Ins Co's get bigger and better cars/houses/swimming pools as the days go by....sad...makes me so sad.

TV fasting is still semi in place. It wasn't a permanent thing but it has made our lives SOOOO much more wonderful!!! Solomons addiction to it is totally gone. IF he watched TV at all, its only for about 30 minutes or so. WE LOVE IT!!! HE loves to play so much more now...and I could not be more thrilled.

I am struggling a little bit. With some anger. I feel like Im always angry at myself for not being enough...not being who or what I want to be. I have such high standards on myself and it is tiring, exhausting and disappointing. I hold others to these standards, whether it be my husband, ids, or friends....and I don't want to be angry when other and myself cannot live up to these ludicrous standards...i want to give the anger up. More than that, I want to lower my standards, relax a little, enjoy the moment and be present.

Finally. I have been working out. I have like 50lbs to lose!!! I still have 20 from Shilohs pregnancy and another 20 that I never lost with Solomon...I know that is only 40 but, ok 50 would be awesome! I started doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I got everyone I know doing it because it is a 20 minute work out that seriously KICKS MY BUTT! Because I am nursing, I didn't want to diet or restrict my eating (I eat very healthy for the most part and I need to eat a good bit to keep my milk supply up...its just how my body works). that in conjunction with some burst training has landed me 8lbs lighter in 4 weeks and stronger than I think Ive ever been. Im proud of myself for sticking to it, scared of failing at it, but I wanted to say it because its important to me, no matter the outcome.

So many times in life, I lose my focus...actually so many times in my DAY I lose focus and I need to stay grounded...its hard for me. Emotionally, I can be so unstable...but thankfully, I have awesome family and friends to see me through...

How Great Is Our God...

The last four days have been spent at sweet Solomon's side. He got the stomach flu and it has NOT been easy as his mother, watching it. Its seems trivial really. He vomited about 10 times on Monday. Tuesday he had a 103 fever with no throwing up or diarrhea. He didn't want to touch a toy, be in a lit room, watch any TV (which is EXTREMELY out of character...we have TV limits in our house and he pushes them EVERYDAY) or even move (also, extremely out of character). Wednesday was his weakest day. He had the worst diarrhea ever...like I hate to be gross, but it was like a force of nature I have never ever seen...and it was all water!!!! He couldn't get out of bed, or, brace yourself, its sad, even lift his little head. He slept for almost the entire day...and I had to carry him back and forth to the bathroom like 8 times at least. Yesterday evening he asked me for a waffle with peanut better, and while I knew it wouldn't be the easiest thing on his stomach, it had been days since he ate and I was willing to risk it. He ate the entire thing and drank some water...and right after that I started to see a little twinkle in his eyes. His fragile little voice started engaging me in conversation...I could tell we had reached a light in this tunnel. Today, he is still extremely weak...he can take a few wobbly steps but is still so stinking limp. He ate a few bites of waffle this morning, puked, and then ate a few more. He still has diarrhea and is definitely more of a grump than he has been in these past 4 days (which is a sign of improvement). I put him in the stroller for awhile and we walked. I cannot tell you (unless of course you live in somewhere that has all four seasons) what it is like to experience TRUE spring. The air is unlike ANYTHING I have ever breathed. The weather is AMAZING! I am so grateful. After our walk, we sat outside for a bit and painted. Here are some of my gorgeous sons shots.

Resembling somewhat of a grumpy little Andy Warhol

Um, do we LOVE the yellow aviators???? Yes, yes we do!!!

Deep in thought...what a masterpiece.

Solomon is currently napping and I am hoping and praying that this will all be over soon...

Which brings me to my heavy heart. Mckmama's blog is a place I have been frequenting lately for updates on little Stellan. Watching Solomon in pain, as minimal as a little ol' stomach flu, found me actually grateful. I knew it would pass. I knew he would be ok. I knew that soon, he would be his charming, stubborn wild little self...what a peace I had. What a sadness engulfed me, not even SLIGHTLY being able to fathom what Jennifer and the rest of Stellans family are going through. There are her posts where she is had it and she is pissed off (UH, RIGHTFULLY SO!!!!) but her theme is seeing the glory of the Lord rising around her. I don't know that I would ever be able to be in that place. She is a testament of the women God wants us all to be, of this I am sure...I am confident that she falls short on plenty of occasions, but what a witness to the fullness and faithfulness of the God of all that is. I am deeply grieved yet richly blessed by her current situation...my heart cried out to God, begging that He enact his will and offer strength for those to endure it...

How great is our God...in everything.


(Side Note** Just started reading Death By Church: Rescuing Jesus From His Followers. By Mike Erre. WOW...you should get it and read it...AWESOME! so far)

A Little Girl...

This pregnancy has flown by in so many ways. With Wills graduation, our cross country move and pretty much the busiest little toddler on the planet, all of a sudden, this little girl is almost here. I have struggled in ways that I didn't with Solomon. My emotions have been off the charts...so many rough days, major struggles with anxiety, depression and anger. I have also really been dealing with attaching to this baby. I have a lot of fear about mothering a little girl. I haven't been able to get very enthusiastic about this baby and I'm already feeling mommy guilt because of it. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother and I don't know what a mother/daughter love feels like. I say that for no other reason than my mom isn't capable of offering me that and that is just what it is...I have come to grips with that and we function accordingly. But I want more for my own daughter. I want her to feel as if she is the light of my life. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to feel beautiful. I want to be someone she can count on. I know I will fail at all of these many times but I at least know that this is what I want for my daughter.

There are a lot of things that make me nervous about having a little baby again...especially a girl. All of the things I have been feeling have been overshadowed by everything that is going on...and I have been feeling so much anticipation of having my sister come and live with us this summer that I am trying to just stop thinking of the negative things.

This little girl moves at least as much as Solomon...but I think a little more. At first (because Im such a darn pessamist) I just kept dreading having two wild children :). But one night I was just basking in her movement...and I really felt like God just picked me up and reminded me how this all started. It was purely His doing that this baby came down to us. And I knew knew knew that there was a baby waiting to come down to us...I could feel this child beckoning to us and was really disappointed that we didn't really try hard enough to get pregnant...I was THRILLED when I found out it had been enough...and then when I found out we were having a girl, I began to second guess what I had felt... All of that to say...as she was thrashing around within me, I was reminded of those feelings from the very beginning...I was reminded that our family needs her and she needs us...we are a perfect fit for the other and I found such a peace about that.

We really enjoy our midwife and are hoping that our birth goes smoothly. Again, I am not really nervous and I feel more prepared for this birth that I did with Solomons...although I felt the same way before Solomons birth too haha. It is really nice having a health care professional who cares about what you want and actually cares about the health of your baby too...doesn't just spend every prenatal visit trying to figure out if something is wrong with the child or not. I feel bad for new moms. SO many mothers are scared in to doing things, whether by doctors, family or other moms...and they don't have to be. Christy is an avid voice for midwifery and mothers trusting God with their bodies...but she brought up a good point. Often ones faith in God kinda flies out the window during birth..."I can't do it" "My body doesn't work" "I don't do pain" and the truth is, apart from emergency cases (which we are lucky to have medical technology in those cases) God created our bodies to do this...he creaeted us for this...we work...our bodies aren't disfunctional whimpy nothings...they are strong powerhouses that are capable of giving our children everything they need from the very beginning. I don't say this with judgement or with eyes looking down on anyone...but I do think it is a scary time when we start putting more trust in man made medicine. One thing that I love about things like Chinese Medicine, Chiropractic Medicine, Midwifery...is that it IS scriptural...Jesus himself practiced putting his hands on people and the power that the body has to restore and heal itself. It is encouraging to me. I have become some who basically doesn't trust the medical community at all...apart from emergencies (stitches, broken bones, real emergencies) because it has done nothing but make me sicker and unhealthy. As a mother, I wont have someone tell me what I HAVE to do in my birth...the tests I HAVE to have, the monitoring that I HAVE to have, the pointless IV's stuck in my arm for NO REASON, the ridiculous tests they want to perform on my newborn, the gunk they want to throw in my babies eyes, and the toxic waste they want to fill my babies bodies...I am their mother. God gave them to me. I am fully equppied to birth them and care for them and I will decide what goes in/on their bodies...not you!!! Again this isn't emergencies Im talking about...because that is where medicine has its place...but not in our every day lives. It does nothing but make us sicker. I am thankful for the choices I have...and hope that I always make the right ones.

Solomon seems to be bonding with his sister. And oh how sweet it is. He knows she lives in my belly for now...although he thinks more along the line of "in my belly button." He talks to her and hugs her and it is just the sweetest thing. The other day he was in the bathroom with me as I was about to shower. I had my clothes off and he looked and ran to me..."MY BABY!!!!" he said and grabbed my stomach. It was SUPER sweet. Two days ago we were napping and he woke up a little early for my liking so I just layed there with my eyes clothes. He started rubbing my face with his silky blanket (which is a rare treat because NO ONE touches his blanket). Then he lifted up my shirt and started rubbing it on my my stomach. I thought it was sweet...but I melted when he wispered "I just love my sister very very much." Awwwww...seriously...too much. I can't wait for him to meet her. It is going to be the sweetest thing ever.

We have everything but ONE box unloaded now, thanks to Aprils visit. (49 more days until she comes back!!!) So now we can start hanging things on the walls and really getting ready for this baby...its exciting and a whole gammet of emotions...pray for us as we prepare...

A New Birth

I read quite a few birthing blogs. The Human Pacifier is one of my favorites. She posted this video...


And while I loved it and was totally inspired by it, it kind of freaks me out. Not for reasons one might think though. I have really wanted to have a home birth for a second child... but I'm scared and I cannot figure out why. Solomons birth was in a hospital...with an OBGYN that I loved, who really pushed me to take nothing for my pain and do it totally naturally, like the birth plan that we went over together. After 26 hours of hard labor I felt like I was losing my mind...since I hadn't slept in 3 days, and I just wanted like an hour of sleep. I got the epidural and Will and I both feel no regret. Would I like to do it again? I would definitely try not to. I just...ugh...I just know that I could do it if I were at home but I get SO nervous thinking about it. It's not an issue of safety. There is nothing about a hospital that makes me feel safe. I just feel like Im not strong enough to go through more than 26 hours...it was SO much! I just remember telling Solomon, "Baby, you are our only child...for life" haha because the contractions were unlike anything I have ever ever endured...and Im scared that I would be a total wuss and fail at home. I need pep talked...major pep talking. I want to do it with my whole heart, and I hope that I find the bravery before baby number two comes our way...

This video is beautiful...and inspiring...and I hope with all my heart mine can somewhat resemble it...

Just Today

First, at this very moment, Sara, her mom, Bri, 2 social workers, and a psychologist in reguards to the current situation with Bri. PLEASE pray. It's at 3:30 and I expect to hear from Sara as soon as she is out. I just spent some teary time in prayer for the whole situation.

Second, EARTHQUAKE time! Haha...I have been in tons of earthquakes but never one while sitting at a red light. It was quite an experience. At first I thought someone was ramming us from behind, then thought our car was going hay-wire, then, Will who has been in about 6 earthquakes, but never felt any of them (as he grew up on the East Coast) says "OHHHH it's an earthquake!!!" Phone severice was out for about an hour but all in all it was pretty uneventful. It was a 5.4 centered in Chino Hills, which is about 40 miles from us.

Thirdly, I heard this extremely disturbing commercial on talk radio. A woman was urging listeners to write state representatives and ask then to "leave BPA in our plastic's because if they remove it, it will cause great harm." Um, synthetic estrogen, not good, for anyone. Made me mad. I have looked all over on the radio's website for that person who was putting out that commercial so that I could give them a piece of MY mind...to no avail...

Lastly, I'm getting really tan. haha. God bless a husband and sister who hook me up with free tans haha! Oh and we had yummy Open Sesame lebonese today. Yeah, I think that's it.

Beautiful Home Birth

Thank you to The Human Pacifier

Being Born...

I haven't yet expressed how much I loved the documentary The Business of Being Born. It was just really amazing. Solomon's birth was so hard for me, even though I labored at home with my husband and doula for 12 hours...even though I had the most supportive Dr ever who was BENDING OVER BACKWARDS for me to have a natural birth. After 26 hours of hard active labor and almost 3 days of no sleep, I got the epidural. I don't regret my birth at all. We did what we did and it was a horrific and wonderful few days. I always thought "well what if it is that hard again and I need an epidural?" But after this I thought that I really would almost certainly have a home birth, or at least a midwife in the hospital...wow...what an awesome movie!

Then I found this incredible blog, The Human Pacifier, You MUST check it out!

Honored To Know Her

I have been more than a recluse lately. Its been an interesting time and I just don't know how to relate with the world at the moment. I almost feel like I have no where to go and even if I did, the last thing I want to do is sit and rehash everything. But I am going to try to get a little out here...hopefully it works.



My gramma died one week ago Tuesday. It was a horrificly painful process to watch and see and experience. She has been a step away from death, so it seemed, for 3 years now. Minor heart attacks everyday, MD's saying "take as much morphin as you want" because she was just that close. She was an inspiration to everyone who knew her, being so sick and still making it to her bolwing team two times a week, still bending over backwards for everyone she knew. Even as she was slowly starting to forget things, people, important dates, you just knew that her endless love and self sacrifice was still there...dispite the glossy look that came over her eyes. It was hard for me to spend time with her. She would get so frustrated if she would forget and I just hated seeing her like that. I didn't see her much lately...but I don't feel guilty about that. She knew how much I loved her and how thankful I was/am that she was SUCH a MASSIVE part of my life. The funeral was harder to get through than I thought. I thought, because she was in so much pain, that I would feel a sense of relief for her, she is finally in heaven and the feet of God, where she wanted to go...yet somehow, I was still stuck with grief every so often, having trouble sleeping. When we walked into the church I saw her beautiful pictures and casket and I just started to cry. My dad got up and spoke through tears, my aunt Laurie spoke through tears and then Adam sang the song he wrote for her...it was hard...really hard.

My mother in law is here visitng so it has been a bit of a hectic few days. Solomon and I both came down with colds and had to stay home from Disneyland yesterday which is terribly sad. He is still congested but I am feel tons better...THANK YOU ACUPUNCTURE!!! I think we will have a nice visit. She is here for a week and its nice to have her here.

No Questions Asked

Today my mom came into our house and said to turn on NBC because they were doing a segment on vaccinations. So I, dragging my feet, sit to watch it with her. We chose not to vaccinate Solomon, which is the best choice for US. I know that, for the most part, parents do what they believe is best for them. I have no judgement or "tsk tsk finger" in anyone's face. We just decided that this was the best choice for OUR family. I don't want to get too high up on my soap box but my friend told me an aweful story, in tears. She is a tremendously strong woman, never to be bullied, for the most part. Her daughter just turned one and went in for the 12 month well baby check up...she let the Dr know that she didn't want to give her any shots...and there it began...She said that this happens everytime, but that this was the worst. The Dr all but wont let her leave until Her little girl gets them! She said she did a refresher and read up on all the facts and stats and as she is telling what she knows about them and what makes her uncomfortable about them, the Dr is just saying things like, "So you want to be the kind of parents who just depends on other parents to do their job and protect YOUR child by vaccinating thiers." What do you say to that??? She went on in a full blown debate with the Dr for over 15 minutes until said friend was in tears and surrendered to the brutality. She called me, in tears, saying that they got her again and she felt like such a failure. We talked about it for a long time and came to the conclusion that she either wont go to the Dr any more or will DEFINATELY get a new Dr.

Is this the place that we have come to in our world? People are not supposed to ask questions? I mean that is just terrible. If said friend wanted vaccines for her child, all the power to her, but if she has questions and feels stongly about this, this is HER child, and she should have the right to say whether or not she wants something for her. People are often times shocked when we are (rarely) at the Dr and we say we do/don't want something that most people just follow without asking what its for or what the purpose is. It is my right to ask why you want to stick a needle into MY child with some unknown toxin...and if I cannot ask a question, that is just about the biggest red flag I have ever seen. I am not one of extreme's one way or the other...I mean if you will treat me poorly because of my opinion, because you are SO far one way, and do not give me a right to my own decisions, I feel there is something wrong taking place.

The NBC clip was an MD talking abou how vaccines are a must and "any good parent" would want them. She was for government mandating and manditory vaccines. However, she said, that a recent measles outbreak took place. 12 Children in San Diego, CA contracted the measles. 3 of them were vaccinated...WHY WOULD I DO THIS???? The wordage was what made me upset, "Mealses in RARE cases is DEADLY. If the other 9 children that WEREN'T vaccinated has been vaccinated, they might not have contracted them." I am not trying to be polarizing or angry but ON WHAT PLANET DOES THIS MAKE SENSE???????

I should be able to ask questions. God gave me a brain, he gave me Solomon and told me that his body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and if that is the case, I do and will continue to question everything that enters his tender little body. He is my gift, and I want to be responsible for caring for him to my fullest ability...and if this is the way I choose to do it, I feel that should be respected...I am with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week, every day of his life, and a Dr that sees him for 5 minutes may have extensive knowledge about a lot of things...he may have an opinion that I can respect...but if I do disagree with something, because I know my child FAR better than this "stranger" ever could, I expect to be offered the same respect. I offer this respect for every parent. I firmly believe that what I am do is right for Solomon...and I have lots of friends who have children, and they all make different decisions, but I believe they are doing what they think is best for there child..it seems disrespectful not to.

There seems to be a theme in our world these days. If you question anything, you become a conspiracy theorist, a rebel, a freak, an outcast, gossiped about... But I feel that I can question what I need to question. Jesus was accused of doing all of those things...so I think Im ok :)

Sadness, Sickness, Sweetness

Where do I start? Christine's memorial was Friday. It was quite possibly the worst thing ever...I mean it was a beautiful ceremony but it was horrible, sad, I cried the entire time. This woman, she got it! She understood what life was about. Truely, I feel that if she had another 5 minutes on this earth, she was be able to say, "No I don't really have any regrets." The testament of her life proclaimed this loudly. Her children, my friends, stood to talk about how if she say a homeless person she would rush to the grocery store, by them groceries and take them to the person, offer to take them to her house so that she could cook them a hot meal. She loved to paint and garden and cook.
Her best friend told this story: Christine came to visit me last year. Everyday I would come home from work and she would have dinner made from scratch. We would laugh and giggle like only girls can do. One evening I came home and my walk way was lined in purple pansies...they weren't there when I left. She met me at the door with that huge "Christine smile" on her face and said, "Come look in the back yard." She filled my backyard with tons of panies, lined my rose garden with panies and then said, "There is another surprise for you...but you wont know what it is until spring." Well it's sping...my yard is FULL of daffodils...and Christine is gone...but everytime I look out my window, she is there...I remember her.
I have a memory of Christine and the type of mother that she was. I remember her kids and my siblings and I were looking for some summer fun/trouble. She let us climb to the top of her massive old station wagon, slide down the wind shield and off the hood while someone was hosing it down to make it super slippery. What a blast...my parents would NEVER allow such fun. She cared for her kids in such a way that I want to follow...what an amazing woman. Lord let me never forget what an impact this has had on my life...never ever

I came down with a fever on Saturday. Will had Chiro Board Exams the entire weekend (boo hiss!!!) so Solomon and I went to church without him. On the drive hom my nose was running like crazy and I just felt like I got hit by a truck...in one hour I went from feeling fine to completely horrible. Sunday was a beast. I slept almost the whole day, but since I was with Solomon that wasn't a good thing...woopsie...I kept waking up in a complete panic...WHERE IS MY CHILD...whew...he is right there...not fun. I still feel not so good but I am hoping that it will clear by tomorrow...

Solomon has become a mocking bird. He repeats EVERYTHING...its a blast. He has been such a wonderful joy lately. He always is, but just extra funny and playful and fantastic. We are getting him the BPH-A free sippy cups and bottles...and I just got his BPH-A free binkies in the mail today, so I am excited about that...hopefully he likes them.