Little Creation of Mine

My little creations...who I love more than anything in the world...

 I long to hear them say they love me.  I need to know that they will listen to me when I speak to them.  I want to know that they love to spend time with me....that they can't live without me.

But what if they didn't?  What if they, with their actions, showed that I didn't exist to them?  What if they spent weeks at a time ignoring me?  What if they never told me that they loved me?  What if, every time I told them to do something, they thought they knew better?

Right now, Solomon has been having serious separation anxiety.  When I leave the room, he becomes hysterical.  He follows me WHERE EVER I GO.  He wants to sleep beside me.  He wants to sit in the bathroom with me while I shower.  He will not stay in his class at church.  He CLINGS to me.  He sobs when I am out of his sight.  For several months now, I didn't know what to do.  Why is he so desperate for my presence?  Why does he need to be at my feet every second of the day?  How come he panics when he cannot see me? 

I have a creator...who undoubtedly loves me more than I can imagine.  I wonder how He feels when with my actions, I deny His existence.  I wonder how deeply I hurt Him when I spend weeks ignoring Him?  I wonder the pain that I inflict on my Loving God by going so long without telling Him I love him.  I wonder why he continues to pursue me when so many times, He gives me direction, but I do something completely opposite, because I think I know better.

What if I became like a child?  Like my child?  What if I became hysterical when I was not at the feet of my God?  What if I slept beside Him?  What if I didn't go anywhere outside of His presence?  What if I sobbed when I stepped out of His sight?  What if I clung to Him and panicked at the thought of being away from Him?  Shouldn't this be where I am daily? 

Truth be told, outside of His presence, I am lost.  Outside of Him, I am a broken disaster.  Outside of Him, I do not know kindness or love.  Outside of Him, it is dark and empty...but I find myself there so often...drifting.  Forgetting how much I need Him.  Forgetting that clinging to Him is my only salvation...salvation, not because of anything that I can do, but a salvation that is ONLY Him.  Saving me in my deepest darkest places.  Giving me life that, without it, I could only know death.

This truth, this life, my Great Mighty Merciful Savior has given me freely.  I am His. 

So I shout out Your name, and from the rooftops I proclaim, that I am Yours.  All that I am, I place into your loving hands, and I am Yours...

I am Yours.



**Photo Credit AmieBradyPhotography.com

My Heart Is On You

I was laying in bed with Solomon and slipped my arm under him and wrapped the other arm around the top of him.  He squirmed out of my arms and said "Mommy, I just don't want to be touched when Im sleeping."

I sighed and said, "ok." 

"Whats wrong mommy?"

"Oh nothings wrong."  I got a little teary eyed.  "Its just hard for a mommy sometimes when their babies get bigger and its a little sad to know that some day, they wont need thier mommies as much any more."

"But mommy.  I will still love you.  My heart will always be on you."


My heart is more than full.

Uprooted and Four

Who ever said "Home is where the heart is" is a big fat liar.

18 months ago, Will, Solomon and an in utero version of Shiloh and I moved from sunny Southern California to Western Pennsylvania.  I was excited.  We were all excited (mixed with EXTREME sadness) for what we thought would be a new and exciting adventure...

It didn't quite turn out that way. 

What makes it hard is going back to California for visits, and seeing what we are missing...and then coming home to a void that cannot be filled by dear sweet Pennsylvania.  There are so many things that we love here.  The season changes (apart from that awful one that brings all that white crap that forces you to stay in the house for like 5 months straight...ugh winter!) the beautiful greenery, the way the air smells, thunder storms, and just nature in general...But when we got home to California, its just different.  Everyone is swarming around to see us.  There isn't enough time to even fit everyone in, which is just so flattering and amazing, that I nearly burst just thinking about it.  There is so much love there...and nothing can compare to that.  My kids were in heaven.  Disneyland, the beach (did I mention heaven??), family, friends, sunshine and love...doesn't get much better than that.  I just walked around Disneyland remembering going every week, pushing Solomon in his stroller.  I watched my kids just LOVE their time there and I imagined it being a time where I could live that life again.  The beach became a magical place that I can't ever remember it feeling like.  Both of the kids seriously just wallowed in the water, cracking up when the waves were crashing on them.  They literally rolled around in the sand for hours...oh how I miss it. 

It was so great to just hang out with old friends who have been apart of you for more than half of your life (woah...am I old or what???).  You don't have to be anyone or entertain...you just sit, and be.  That is a good feeling.

And family...oh family.  You are weird and coockoo, and often annoying and embarrassing ..and there are times where I probably almost hate some of you ;) but being near you was so completing...Will and I feel like we still belong there in so many ways.  Its painful to feel so out of place for so long...and its breaking my heart that my kids are missing out on so much...they deserve to have nearby what they have in California.

I am really working hard and digging deep...trying to "bloom where I am planted" but until now, I don't think I actually realized just how deeply rooted I was.  I feel like someone ripped me out of the ground, and my foundation, my roots, are still on the other side of the country.  I don't know how to right that.  I don't know if it is intentional.  All I know is that I am sad.  We are sad.  Its nothing that any one thing, or any everything could change...its just that there is a California shaped hole in our hearts and I'm pretty certain that it cannot be patched up.  My heart hurts...and Im genuinely looking for any words of support/advise that you are willing to offer...

In other much more spectacular news...Solomon is FOUR years old today...The most beautiful four year old I know.  I love him with my entire heart!!!!

Birth Day

One Wonderful Year

Two Wild Years

Three Incredible Years

Four Unbelievable Years.

Walkin' All Over Me

As usual, Shiloh own me...she is still having sleep issues.  Every two weeks or so she will give mea night where she only wakes up twice.  But usually it is 4 times or more.  So yeah...not only does she walk all over me...

BUT....

She is walking all over the house :D!!!!  So proud of her.  Its not technically all over the house, but she is taking 4-6 steps at a time and because she is so stinking tiny its super cute.  She also can climb all the way up stairs in about 15 seconds...pretty impressive!

She's a CD addict...like me.

This definately sums up thier relationship haha

On another note, Solomon has been super sensitive lately.  He used to be the bravest kid ever...like, would get seriously hurt and wouldn't flinch and he just never cried abotu anything.  Now, the slightest bumps and he is like falling apart and needs super long cuddles.  Poor thing.  He is really been longing for more and more attention...Also, his elbow pooped out of the socket AGAIN!!!  Thats three times now.  I popped it back in though so thats good, no trips to the ER.

I have been getting ride of abuot 50% of our belonings.  Its been SO time consuming and SUCH a process but omg, I am feeling SOOOO great.  As of tomorrow afternoon, this house will be spankin' spotless!!!  :)

Welcome Spring

If you remember THIS post  here is the 2010 version of Spring birds nests...2 years later.  My how things have changed.

I Love Them!

Uh, What Is This?

Solomon is in the most vile boy stage ever. Everything is "poop" and "butthole" related.  He eats boogers and is constantly sloshing spit around in his mouth!!!  He says he penis makes noise and burps?!?!?!  GROSS!!!  Today, I found a cup in the toilet.  WHo knows how on earth he snuck it up there or how much pee he drank!!! 

Well, I walked into my room and on my dark purple bedspread there is this fresh puddle of spit.

"Solomon...come here please."

"Yeah Mommy?"

"Uh, what is this?"

"Will you be mad Mommy?"

"Solomon I will be happy if you tell me the truth."

"Weeeellllllll...Shiloh climbed up on the bed, pooped there, and then climed down."

Shiloh, who cannot climb on anything, does not know how to remove her clothing, poop on my bed, dress herself and then climb down.

"Solomon, what really happened?"

"I spit on your bed."

NOOOOO REALLY????????????????

Lately...

Its been an interesting week for me.  I have been up to some things...just little things.

Like...

I got this new purse.

I made my friend Jeana some cupcakes for her birthday bash at Chipotle.

Was given this magazine page by Candice because this pretty much sums Shiloh up...

I fed Shiloh peas

Then fed her her toes...

Watched this grump fuss all over me!

Hypnotized my kids with Barney.

Did some February prep...

Also, I got really overwhelemed (again) at the thought of homeschooling.  I tried to share it with Will and since he didn't seem to get it, we had a MASSIVE BLOWOUT tiff. ;)  I am so scared that I am doing the wrong thing as a parent.  I am so scared that I am ruining Solomon and Shiloh.  I worry so much about this.  Sometimes I do feel so alone because it is hard to find the "you're doing a great job" feeling inside of me.  I feel like if I had the right discipline techniques, Solomon would stop saying things like "stupid" and "shut up." Or if I was "tough eoung" I would let Shiloh cry herself to sleep every night until she slept alone, through the night.  I second guess everything I do and I just wish I would trust myself.  In my heart, I feel like I KNOW what my kids need, but with so many different people around, I always let thier opinions or ways of doing things cloud my view.  I'm trying really hard to just trust my heart, because I know that I have wonderful, attached children, who are so connected with us, other people, and thier own emotions and hearts, and so maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right.  I am trying with my whole heart and I just really want to have the right perspective and attitude.

Speaking of perspective, Kara Noel at Eli's Lids wrote THIS and wow...it is powerful.  Its a really short, wonderful read.  I cried (shocker right? ;))

Solomon's World

We got to go to this awesome mini neighborhood.  Solomon was in heaven.  There was a TV station, a coffee shop, a grocery store, a fire station, a hospital, a mechanic shop, a train station and a massive playset...all indoors.  Solomon has never had so much fun.  Everything was just his size and there was SO much to play with.  We had a great time, with great friends.  This place is actually right by Wills work, which is an hour drive.  It was so much fun.  We cannot wait to do it again...probably will head out there in April when my mom comes to visit.  Once again, I forgot my camera and was wearing Shiloh so the pictures are all kinda crappy.

A Daddy and His Babies...

I was laying in bed two nights ago,next to Will (duh!) and I said this, "You know, when I tell you I wish I wasn't married to you, I mean it!! (hahaha)  In those crazy heated moments.  BUT the truth is, I am so happy that I found my best friend.  We get to be married for as long as God gives us...its going to be fun, the rest of our lives..."  He is such a great dad.  I love watching my children love their dad so very much. 

My slender husband was going to take Solomon out in the 3 feet of snow at his parents house.  They live in many acres of land and it's up a hill so they get more snow than we do.  Will bundled up in the biggest baggiest, most ridiculous snow clothes I have ever seen.  It was hilarious.  I could not stop laughing...oh...but it gets better...

This one is my favorite.  Will's dad was hunting for deer to murder :( in the woods and to prevent Will from getting mistake for the poor helpless deer (although they were no where near the hunting grounds), he wore this awesome orange tree branch vest.  Definately the key piece to this outfit.

Love

Zoo Zoo Zoo

Solomon has been asking to go to the zoo lately. The weather has been so awful that we haven't been able to. (Plus it was closed). So finally last weekend. We got some sunshine and some none-freezing temperature so we headed. Our photos tell the story...

(Note: We spent 99% of the trip inside the aquarium.  If you cannot tell by the awe struck look on Solomons face, he is IN LOVE with sharks and divers.  When that diver waved to him, I thought he was going to apss out!!!  he was soooo excited!!!And all the phtos were taken with my cell phone so sorry if some are blurry.)