Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Oh, marriage...GAHHH!

When I came home from Uganda the last time, I had a plan.  I had a vision for my life.  Not interested in the whole husband thing...just wanted to be in the jungle somewhere bringing life and love to AIDS orphans.  Everything I did was devoted to that vision. 
Then...dun dun dun...I met Will.  Wrench, meet my plans.  Thanks!

He was amazing.  It took some time to truly believe it was happening.  But here I am, seven long years later, his wife :)  After a year or two, I realized that my previous vision was likely not going to happen.  I have mourned that loss for a LONG time.  Sometimes it feels like I gave up all of my dreams for this very different life, but, this is where I am.  Now what?  I have been saying "Now what?" for WAY too long.  Wife/motherhood has left me feeling like I don't have much to give.  Its just too much some days.  Too much monotony, too much failure, just plain ol' too much.

Lately, my world has been several things.  The first is, our incredible church did an amazing series called Sun Stand Still which left me asking the question, "Ok God, I have been waiting for a long time for a new vision...GIVE ME ONE DANGIT!!!!" Well, our small group is doing a more in depth study on the entire book, Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick.  Uh-mazing!  Half way thru the book i began to realize, "Oh my vision doesn't have to be saving lives, reaching thousands???  It could be...RIGHT WHERE I'M AT????"  Woah.  Fur-realz???  So I started doing some soul searching.  I started really digging deep in my heart.  What would it be like if I really called upon the strength of my God to be the wife, mother, daughter and friend that God is truly proud of.  My marriage, what if it were something everyone talked about.  "Wow, did you see Will and Amber, they ooze with love for each other!!!"  Which brings me back to the second thing that has really been rocking my world.  I guess I am at the place in my life where marriages all around start to struggle.  People are fighting (or not fighting) to hang on to their marriages.  People are getting divorced, are separated, and are experience extreme pain and emptiness in what should be the most intimate loving relationship in life.  Its hard.  Will and I feel it.  Its such a struggle every day for us.  Do we choose to keep fighting for this sacred relationship?  Do we have what it takes?  Are we ruining each other with our reckless words and selfish behavior?  For a lot of people, it seems like it is more about "Is this relationship still fun, worth it, something I FEEL like being apart of?"  In a conversation Will and I were having, we decided that we don't want those questions to be where we are at, EVER!!!  We want our questions to be, "What do we need to do next in order to keep us clinging to one another!??"  We committed our lives to each other UNTIL death.  That's huge.  How can we get any where, much less a place of wedded bliss (go ahead, roll your eyes, gag etc.) without taking that into account.  Forever.  Until the end of time. 

Now...getting from said realization to actual realty...Wheeelp...not sure how to get there just yet.  My prayer is that God would remind me of it everyday, in every way.  Remind me to be an example of Christ to my husband, my children, my friends...through the lonely times, the unfulfilled moments, the raging anger, the overwhelming life before me.  Talk about a work in progress...blah...I'm like a pile of dirt at this point...Good luck, God, you have got Your work cut out for you.  But I am up for it.  I want this more than I have ever wanted anything.

Today, I was the perfect example of a Proverbs 31 wife (my nose just grew like 10 feet!!!).  I complained, nagged, reamed, moped, name it, I probably either said it or texted it to Will.  I feel overwhelmed.  I have a lot of responsibility in our house and I just dumped and dumped and dumped on him.  So, along with blowing up his phone with incessant bitching, I thought I could solve all of our current issues with a list.  I made a list.  It was beautiful.  ELEVEN pages long.  I covered everything that needs to be done in our life/house.  Categorized it by daily/weekly/monthly tasks.  I listed house hold chores room by room.  ELEVEN pages people!!!!  I stacked it nicely and was prepared to show it to Will when he got home (from working incredibly hard all day long, providing for our family, and changing the lives of his patients).  Thinking, THIS will help him understand WHY I am overwhelmed (since the 9,564 text messages didn't???)  Well I stacked my (ELEVEN PAGED) list and placed it on the counter, and five minutes later, my five year old spilled a huge cup of water on it.  I burst into tears and freaked out on him (as he was trying to wring it out!!!).  I got towels and tried to dab it away.  I was furious. my heart I heard this...

How is your list working for you now Amber? Was that going to solve everything? Are you really in control?  THAT is what I think of your list!!

OUCH!!!  But still, I was ignoring it.  I called Will (who was a brave soul for answering his phone after all I had put him through so far in the day) blubbering like a total idiot.  "WAHHHH my list...friggin kid...ruined ELEVEN PAGES of perfection!!!"  Will calmly said, "do you think this might have deeper meaning?"  Grrr, gotta go!!!

Yeah, the truth is, instantly, I knew it had deeper meaning.  My life, when controlled by me, it is a horrible mess -something like that of eleven soggy, now inkless, papers- It has EVERYTHING to do with my attitude, my choices, followed by strength that can only come from God to create action and change.  Will could and may never ever let go of his irritating habits or sometimes insensitive behavior, and I should still be able to choose to love him, as he is, forever.  Without that, this can't work.  Without choosing everyday that God is the only One who can give me the strength to have a powerful, meaningful, marriage that is an example to the people around me, it will crumble in a heartbeat...

I had a lot of apologizing to do today.  To Will, for the painfully obvious, to Solomon for WAY over reacting...and to God, for forgetting far too often that He and only He is the Way to Life set apart...

1 comment:

Corin said...

Wow's like you crawled in my brain and read my mind!! This is SO SO SO right on with my life too! Well, for me it's more the motherhood part than the marriage part, but it totally all ties in together.

Just recently I've really had that epiphany, that my mission IS MY CHILDREN!!!!!

I've been wanting to write about this exact same topic for so long now.

Oh, you and I would be best friends if we lived close to one another :)

Keep up the uphill climb friend! Blessings to you and your family and may God Bless your heart in your journey with your beautiful family.