It didn't quite turn out that way.
What makes it hard is going back to California for visits, and seeing what we are missing...and then coming home to a void that cannot be filled by dear sweet Pennsylvania. There are so many things that we love here. The season changes (apart from that awful one that brings all that white crap that forces you to stay in the house for like 5 months straight...ugh winter!) the beautiful greenery, the way the air smells, thunder storms, and just nature in general...But when we got home to California, its just different. Everyone is swarming around to see us. There isn't enough time to even fit everyone in, which is just so flattering and amazing, that I nearly burst just thinking about it. There is so much love there...and nothing can compare to that. My kids were in heaven. Disneyland, the beach (did I mention heaven??), family, friends, sunshine and love...doesn't get much better than that. I just walked around Disneyland remembering going every week, pushing Solomon in his stroller. I watched my kids just LOVE their time there and I imagined it being a time where I could live that life again. The beach became a magical place that I can't ever remember it feeling like. Both of the kids seriously just wallowed in the water, cracking up when the waves were crashing on them. They literally rolled around in the sand for hours...oh how I miss it.
It was so great to just hang out with old friends who have been apart of you for more than half of your life (woah...am I old or what???). You don't have to be anyone or entertain...you just sit, and be. That is a good feeling.
And family...oh family. You are weird and coockoo, and often annoying and embarrassing ..and there are times where I probably almost hate some of you ;) but being near you was so completing...Will and I feel like we still belong there in so many ways. Its painful to feel so out of place for so long...and its breaking my heart that my kids are missing out on so much...they deserve to have nearby what they have in California.
I am really working hard and digging deep...trying to "bloom where I am planted" but until now, I don't think I actually realized just how deeply rooted I was. I feel like someone ripped me out of the ground, and my foundation, my roots, are still on the other side of the country. I don't know how to right that. I don't know if it is intentional. All I know is that I am sad. We are sad. Its nothing that any one thing, or any everything could change...its just that there is a California shaped hole in our hearts and I'm pretty certain that it cannot be patched up. My heart hurts...and Im genuinely looking for any words of support/advise that you are willing to offer...
In other much more spectacular news...Solomon is FOUR years old today...The most beautiful four year old I know. I love him with my entire heart!!!!
Birth Day
One Wonderful Year
Two Wild Years
Three Incredible Years
Four Unbelievable Years.
6 comments:
i'm pretty sure that we're living the same life...in different bodies, amber. all you just said, all your heart is crying out [i feel as though i understand it on a deep deep level] all you seek and desire from people, FAMILY.......i get it. i GET it. the feeling of being uprooted and excitement floods at first but then reality isn't always so kind.
friend, i know the sadness you speak of so very well.
"this too shall pass...
it's just a season...
valleys make the mountains better...
in due time..."
i know those things have TRUTH to them but day in and day out, the wearing life can jade a mind.
here's to hoping...praying...believing that light comes and invades in FRESH and new WAYS. may the light that we know and love so well be ever ever ever present, even in the dark moments (:
ps - keep in mind i'm still in the first year of marriage. HA. what a trip THAT is... (:
this comment has turned into a short story. my apologies!
oh. also.
CUTE KIDS.
I miss you already. Truly. Not that it helps at all but I'm sorry that you are feeling sadness.. if I could take it away, I would. Praying for my dear friend.
Oh and, Happy Birthday to Solomon! We love him more than words!!
I am so sorry you are sad my friend....im praying for you--praying you can find some peace with where you are, comfort for you-knowing that God has his hand completely in your life and He KNOWS your sadness, He knows it all before you even cry out to him.
I understand this all so well, I know we've talked about it and I don't know if its reasuring to you at all but the phrase my pastor keeps saying in all his sermons lately has spoken so much to me "you are right where you need be, right where God wants you to be" He doesnt make mistakes and im praying so hard you can find the peace with where you are right now.
I've found for myself that ive had to put away and stop dwelling on all the things I hate about this place but instead focus on all the good things. its a constant struggle everyday to find happiness here, when I want so badly to be somewhere else but being positive IS helping!
I love you,and I hope some of this can help mend your broken heart. I'm never too far for you to call me ;)
(And Happy 4th Birthday to the sweetest little boy! Boston misses you Solomon!)
:(
I am sorry things are hard.
If you want a suggestion, maybe start a journal, or a whiteboard would be even better that you and Will can write one good thing about your situation or your family or your location on every day. It can be teensy tiny, or big... it doesn't matter, then every time you see it, you will think good thoughts not bad ones.
All the best, and may you have a joyous week.
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