It didn't quite turn out that way.
What makes it hard is going back to California for visits, and seeing what we are missing...and then coming home to a void that cannot be filled by dear sweet Pennsylvania. There are so many things that we love here. The season changes (apart from that awful one that brings all that white crap that forces you to stay in the house for like 5 months straight...ugh winter!) the beautiful greenery, the way the air smells, thunder storms, and just nature in general...But when we got home to California, its just different. Everyone is swarming around to see us. There isn't enough time to even fit everyone in, which is just so flattering and amazing, that I nearly burst just thinking about it. There is so much love there...and nothing can compare to that. My kids were in heaven. Disneyland, the beach (did I mention heaven??), family, friends, sunshine and love...doesn't get much better than that. I just walked around Disneyland remembering going every week, pushing Solomon in his stroller. I watched my kids just LOVE their time there and I imagined it being a time where I could live that life again. The beach became a magical place that I can't ever remember it feeling like. Both of the kids seriously just wallowed in the water, cracking up when the waves were crashing on them. They literally rolled around in the sand for hours...oh how I miss it.
It was so great to just hang out with old friends who have been apart of you for more than half of your life (woah...am I old or what???). You don't have to be anyone or entertain...you just sit, and be. That is a good feeling.
And family...oh family. You are weird and coockoo, and often annoying and embarrassing ..and there are times where I probably almost hate some of you ;) but being near you was so completing...Will and I feel like we still belong there in so many ways. Its painful to feel so out of place for so long...and its breaking my heart that my kids are missing out on so much...they deserve to have nearby what they have in California.
I am really working hard and digging deep...trying to "bloom where I am planted" but until now, I don't think I actually realized just how deeply rooted I was. I feel like someone ripped me out of the ground, and my foundation, my roots, are still on the other side of the country. I don't know how to right that. I don't know if it is intentional. All I know is that I am sad. We are sad. Its nothing that any one thing, or any everything could change...its just that there is a California shaped hole in our hearts and I'm pretty certain that it cannot be patched up. My heart hurts...and Im genuinely looking for any words of support/advise that you are willing to offer...
In other much more spectacular news...Solomon is FOUR years old today...The most beautiful four year old I know. I love him with my entire heart!!!!
Birth Day
One Wonderful Year
Two Wild Years
Three Incredible Years
Four Unbelievable Years.
