Britt Merrick is a pastor in Southern California. Many of his amazing God inspired words of encouragement were given to me at a time in my life where I needed it. He and his wife Kate are going through something that I truly cannot imagine right now and you can read their story at PRAY FOR DAISY LOVE
I cannot understand the loss of a child. I cannot understand how you can even get out of bed. I know there are so many people who experience this kind of loss and my heart breaks at the thought alone. I also cannot imagine what it is like to experience the kind of news, watch your child go through the kind of pain that Daisy is going through, knowing that as a parent, you can no longer protect her from anything. It has to be the most awful kind of hurt...and I cannot imagine enduring it. I am asking, begging, for prayers for sweet Daisy, her big brother and her parents, Britt and Kate. May God be everything they need right now as they cling to Him in the desperate time.
As people of this earth, I think we sometimes get choked by the things around us. I can speak personally that my self pity and self absorption can at times almost overtake me. Knowing that people all around us, all around the world are suffering on a level that I have never had to come close to knowing (and God forbid never will have to) is sobering, convicting and just is such an example to where we as humans can be in the midst of our deepest sorrows.
May all involved in this trying time cling to Him alone...
I was laying in bed with Solomon and slipped my arm under him and wrapped the other arm around the top of him. He squirmed out of my arms and said "Mommy, I just don't want to be touched when Im sleeping."
I sighed and said, "ok."
"Whats wrong mommy?"
"Oh nothings wrong." I got a little teary eyed. "Its just hard for a mommy sometimes when their babies get bigger and its a little sad to know that some day, they wont need thier mommies as much any more."
"But mommy. I will still love you. My heart will always be on you."
Who ever said "Home is where the heart is" is a big fat liar.
18 months ago, Will, Solomon and an in utero version of Shiloh and I moved from sunny Southern California to Western Pennsylvania. I was excited. We were all excited (mixed with EXTREME sadness) for what we thought would be a new and exciting adventure...
It didn't quite turn out that way.
What makes it hard is going back to California for visits, and seeing what we are missing...and then coming home to a void that cannot be filled by dear sweet Pennsylvania. There are so many things that we love here. The season changes (apart from that awful one that brings all that white crap that forces you to stay in the house for like 5 months straight...ugh winter!) the beautiful greenery, the way the air smells, thunder storms, and just nature in general...But when we got home to California, its just different. Everyone is swarming around to see us. There isn't enough time to even fit everyone in, which is just so flattering and amazing, that I nearly burst just thinking about it. There is so much love there...and nothing can compare to that. My kids were in heaven. Disneyland, the beach (did I mention heaven??), family, friends, sunshine and love...doesn't get much better than that. I just walked around Disneyland remembering going every week, pushing Solomon in his stroller. I watched my kids just LOVE their time there and I imagined it being a time where I could live that life again. The beach became a magical place that I can't ever remember it feeling like. Both of the kids seriously just wallowed in the water, cracking up when the waves were crashing on them. They literally rolled around in the sand for hours...oh how I miss it.
It was so great to just hang out with old friends who have been apart of you for more than half of your life (woah...am I old or what???). You don't have to be anyone or entertain...you just sit, and be. That is a good feeling.
And family...oh family. You are weird and coockoo, and often annoying and embarrassing ..and there are times where I probably almost hate some of you ;) but being near you was so completing...Will and I feel like we still belong there in so many ways. Its painful to feel so out of place for so long...and its breaking my heart that my kids are missing out on so much...they deserve to have nearby what they have in California.
I am really working hard and digging deep...trying to "bloom where I am planted" but until now, I don't think I actually realized just how deeply rooted I was. I feel like someone ripped me out of the ground, and my foundation, my roots, are still on the other side of the country. I don't know how to right that. I don't know if it is intentional. All I know is that I am sad. We are sad. Its nothing that any one thing, or any everything could change...its just that there is a California shaped hole in our hearts and I'm pretty certain that it cannot be patched up. My heart hurts...and Im genuinely looking for any words of support/advise that you are willing to offer...
In other much more spectacular news...Solomon is FOUR years old today...The most beautiful four year old I know. I love him with my entire heart!!!!
So Amie is a dear friend of mine and I have to say, I am SO lucky to have such great photographer friends...she did a shoot for us and I am SO pleased with them!!! Wow...here are a few...and these aren't even all of my top pics...waiting to get my hands on the rest :) Love you Amie!!!!
I don't know that I have ever let such a blog lull happen, but woah did it ever happen.
The sleeplessness that I have been experiencing has truely altered me in ways I never thought possible. I am not me any more. I don't feel like me. I have a hard time remember me. its a frightening place to be. I have these thoughts about my family that make me feel so guilty. I long for sleep all day long but as the evening rolls around I start having anxiety because I know that night time has not meant sleep time for me in months. The lack of sleep is taking a toll on my marriage, my mothering, my friendships and clearly, my heart and soul in general.
Will and I have been bickering constantly lately. We both hate it. I would say that my miserable hopeless attitude contributes a lot to the bickering...but there are just those things, you know, be honest, that you have been fighting about since that very frist day of wedded bliss. (ok maybe there are some freaks out there who don't know what I'm talking about, but whatever, you have issues! ;)) Its like all the things that Will and I both complain about in the other are just this ugly cycle of crap and follows us around in cirlces. Its hideous. I didn't realize how much we were doing this ugly dance in front of our kids until, when my sister was out, she said "You guys give me anxiety and make my stomach hurt...quit it!" I cried. My poor kids. This isn't the life I want for myself. it certianly isn't the life that I want for my hard working husband and it certianly isn't the life that I want for my sweet babies. Our issues are fairly simple. So we are going to hire someone to letus fight in front of them :) haha. And help us work on the things that we seem to be constantly butting heads over. At the end of the day, I would never want to spend a day without Will...but that doesn't mean we are headed down a road that might drive the other away. So we are working on it. And I am excited. I had a friend sorta kindly "rip me a new one" the other day...and try to snap me out of my funkfest. It helped me at least try and understand (yet again) that I only have the power to change me. Yes I can bitch and moan until the cows come home that the stinking peanut butter is smeared all of the counter every morning, or that the freaking toilet seat is peed on, or that the garbage is overflowing and I have to take it out again, but I am a woman who has a husband who has worked very hard to get where he is. He is working hard to allow me to stay home with this monsters err uh lovely children, and I am thankful...so I need to put a sock in it when it doesn't matter so that when it does matter, I am taken seriously. Can anyone relate??? Or you all just have perfect marriages where you spoon and make out all day??
My children, oh my children. Dear Shiloh is still the thorn in my side and the apple of my eye all at once. Her keeping me up all night long for 7 months and when she's awake, following me around crying when I'm not holding her has taken a toll on my ability to bond with her. I would give my right arm, and maybe some stomach rolls, thigh blubber and a double chin, for that little sweet ball of love, but it is hard to feel happy about seeing her 24/7 when, because we are up all the time, I never get a break from her. There is a lot that I resent about my situation. It upsets Solomon that I either have to be attached to Shiloh or we have to listen to her scream. It takes any one on one time away from him, which is terribly unfair, and makes me even more annoyed with Shiloh. Plus, my patience is so thin that I also snap and explode all over Solomon when his actions rarely deserve that...ok maybe when he flushed his underwear down the toilet he deserved it, but like I said, rarely. I LONG to be that great mother who makes bread and homeschools and works all day to educate and love and grow beautiful giving compassionate little hippy children...I feel so far from that. But, I have been trying to give myself a little grace, because these sleeping circumstances cannot last forever (and if you ahve a 10 year old who doesn't sleep, keep your mouth shut! I cannot hear that right now!!!) and until I can resume some sort of normalcy, I am trying my best and that has got to be enough right now.
Solomon is still going through that vile, gross stage. I seriously cannot even type out some of the sickening things he has done. I try to just ignore them but some times I am so grossed out that I freak out on him and tell him that if he eats one more booger, his stomach is goign to explode or if he asks to smell my butt again, his nose is going to catch fire!!! I don't know what else to do, other than hope that someday, my son will find a wife who can look past his grossness haha.
Shiloh is walking and babbling and signing away. I am proud of her. She is still SO tiny. If she were 20 lbs I would be amazed. She loves to put random things inside of other larger random things, stack and do other very tedious things. She is so the opposite of Solomon and its amazing to me every day that I am raising such different children. Shiloh lives for being in my lap and alwaays comes over for cuddles and that is something that Solomon never ever did. She is a bubbly little thing when she gets her way and when she doesn't, well world, look out! I love her. I am working hard on getting rid of my resentment toward the situation...grace. Im holding onto grace.
Having my sister out here for 2 weeks was awesome. She is a gem. I am lost without her. I miss having family here. My parents were texting me saying they were near tears that they couldn't be here. I'm just so glad that my sister was here to help and celebrate with us. We actually get to go to California for Solomons birthday so he will get to be with all the people he loves and misses for his birthday, which he deserves. WE miss my family SO much and cherish our visits with them.
Ok, time for some good news!!!
My sister decided that we needed to exhaust every avenue to try and get SHiloh to sleep. Since I had done everything I knew, she decided to MAKE me move Shilohs crib into Solomons room and move him into our room. WE have thought about this forever but just never did, because I am up with her so much that walking to another room seemed like more than I could take. But...so far, every night has been better and better. Last night, being the best night, she went to bed at 7. Woke up at 2 and had pooped, and then slepted until 6:20. I am getting excited...trying not to get my hopes up but its been a week and so far every night has been an improvement...so...heres to sleep!
Othere good news, Will was on the news AGAIN! This segment has really got SOOO many patients...its amazing. Watch it!! He is so cute!
blog more, but if not...the theme...grace...I am learning to give myself grace.
So I am really looking foward to starting up Bible Study in Septemeber with my bible study girls.
We are doing the book Love and War by John and Stasi Eldridge. I picked this book up at the local bookstore and 2 pages in, I was blubbering right in the middle of the book aisle. It is about marriage...and I highly recommend it...go buy it. And let me know what you think of it.
My mom is here for 10 days so we are keeping busy with her...
Yesterday for Easter, my mom forced me to allow Shiloh to wear one of those horrible Easter dresses that you likely wore...you know, 20+ years ago...omg! The poor child looked like a garden puked on her!!! haha Here are a few little photos of her.
