Being a mom of two and the wife of a hard working husband who is gone about 60 hours a week can be, at the very least, exhausting. I have been having a slight pity party for myself because I don't have the freedom or money to get out of the house with my girlfriends or go on date nights with Will like I used to. Part of me feels really sad about that but on the flip side, if I am able to go out, I find guilt creeping up because I don't get to see hubby or big boy as much as I would like because of work and school. Its an interesting predicament that left me searching for an answer to finding the right balance in my head and heart.
My last post posed the question, "How do you tame the beast at the roughest hour of your day?" or something of that sort. No matter how hard we, as moms try, there are still those moments that you handle wrongly, because we are, after all, imperfect people. I started examining what triggers all of us at the time and making a mental note of the things that I thought I could do differently to maintain patience and also handle frustration in a way that I want my children to be able to model.
The morning after I wrote my previous blog, I started de-cluttering my life...and by my life, I mean my kids playroom! I would like to state that I got rid of 6 garbage bags full of stuff, and Im pretty impressed with the way it looks. We could stand to get rid of another 6 bags, Im sure. I think Im going to have "Give Away Saturdays" where we, as a family, get rid of a bag of stuff together, once a week. Anyway...Im getting distracted. While cleaning out the playroom, I picked up a book that my mom gave me that I had never even opened up. It is 2 books in 1. The Power Of A Positive Mom and The Power Of A Positive Woman. I opened it up and started reading the first chapter....and wow. I can't even tell you how much it spoke to me.
Instantly this book starts to address the tendency of moms to feel as if being a mom, or home maker, or whatever you choose to call it, is such a low-on-the-totem-pole job. "What do you do?" "Oh, Im just a mom"...I know I feel foolish when a professional asks me what I do. Like, Im a loser who doesnt have a job and has no skills. The author then talks about how we, as a society have kind of shifted to believe some very damaging myths that can penetrate to the core of a mothers heart.
The first myth is mothers don't really influence a child as much as peers or genetics, etc. Moms DO have a powerful impact on the development of their children. As a mom, it is my job to instill values and scripture and character qualities that will be imprinted on their hearts for all of time. The second myth is that motherhood causes women to miss out on the exciting things in life. This is the one that resonated with me the most because I totally feel like this sometimes. We are bombarded with messages that tell us that we should look out for ourselves, improve ourselves above all else, take care of #1 first, at any cost. Thinking like that can really make the selflessness of motherhood seem like its not a worthy investment of our time and effort and that can make us feel inadequate, basically saying that if we are attentive mothers who give up a lot, we are missing out on life. But that is such a lie. The author put it beautifully, "Life begins with motherhood. What could be more invigorating, more life-giving, than a house full of teenagers wanting to be fed or a handful of toddlers playing hide and seek or a new born baby waiting to be held?" These are all things that not just anyone can be apart of and being someone who can mold, shape and nurture her children, is not someone that is missing out.
Debunking these myths really made me realize a couple of things. First of all, it is (obviously) ok to miss my kids when we are apart. Second, it is ok to miss being able to go out with friends. But the most important thing that I realized was, this season in my life is very different from the last one. It doesn't offer me what I used to have....but it offers me something else. It offers me the invaluable experience of being home with my children everyday, doing their homework with the,, running them to and from karate and dance, making dinner for them, reading to them every night and being there as they fall asleep. And THAT, my friends, is NOT missing out on anything. (but Im also very thankful for friends that still make me a priority and love me even though we don't get to spend as much time together as we used to. xoxo)
Now...I'll give you one guess what chapter 2 of the book was about. Its kinda crazy! haha. But it was about surviving "Killer Hour" -the time of day where everyone, including mom, is tired, hungry, and needy. Her suggestions were pretty simple. remember that no perfect mom exists- don't be discourage by your weaknesses, instead be determined to build on your strengths. Take one day at a time- don't pile your plate too full, prioritize, dump things that repeatedly cause unnecessary stress in your life. Write a personal mission statement- prayerfully consider the purpose God has given us, declaring what we believe our lives should be about can be a helpful guide when we are trying to tame the beast. Plug Into The Power Source- When we do not plug into our power source (our amazing God) we will, no doubt, have dead batteries. When we are plugged into our God, He can pour His strength, love and holy attributes into us, which will then flow out of us onto our family.
Id say those were some pretty great answers to some questions that were weighing very heavy on my heart. God is so faithful to give abundantly more than we could ever ask for. Wow...so thankful for His unending love and the his faithfulness in answering when we ask of Him.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Today, Online Church Fought The Beast ;)
Im not sure about you, but when 4 o'clock rolls around, I feel the inner beast within start to growl a little. It doesn't take much for me to let out an audible roar every now and then. Today, I am still very much under the California jet lag spell. I had to get Solomon off to school by 7:40 today. That alarm went off at 6:15 and I am pretty sure I threw an inner tantrum. It was painful to get out of bed. I got coffee brewing, washed my face with ice cold water and started packing a lunch, making breakfast and ditching some of the zombie remnants that was whispering to me, "get back in bed" haha. We made it. He was off to school on time. I came home, worked on the volunteer schedule for children's ministry and sent out some emails. Then I started nursing cup of coffee numero dos, got dressed, cleaned the kitchen and caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in 50 billion years (yeah, that's a LONG time). Then I was off to Trader Joes for some organic grass fed beef and organic free range chicken. Its a 45 minute drive. It was a quick trip (and in country girl language that means it only took me 3 hours). I came home, unloaded and put away groceries, looked at the enormous pile of luggage that is still fully unpacked, and turned the other way. I played with Shiloh for a few minutes, then had to go get Solomon from school. We got back in the house, and then started the after school routine. Who's with me? I empty the backpack, sort through a PILE of papers, figure out homework for the night, sign all the things I need to sign etc. Today was cray cray. Because he missed 3 days last week, he has about 25 worksheets and papers of make up work. Oh my, how will we ever finish. He had some defrag time with his current favorite TV show- old school Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He asked me to sit with him for a few minutes and no joke, I fell asleep in about 3 minutes. I woke up about 10 minutes later to some sort of war between the two loving siblings...one was chasing the other with scissors...mommy of the year, yeah. We worked out the kerfuffle which was over who got to open the bag of cashews. The inner beast may or may not have made its daily debut to handle that situation. ;)
I sat beside them for a little longer wondering how I was going to muster up the strength and patience to make it until after bedtime. I still had dinner to make, baths to give, a ton of homework to do with the boy, and bedtime. Hubby dearest wont be home til 8. It seemed like a slightly impossible task. I took a deep breath and just prayed that God would allow me to access the strength that I know He has already given me in order to be a mother who isn't, well, a beast :)
I logged on to my amazing church's website, Pittsburgh East Community Church, and listened to the live worship from this past weekend. While broccoli was steaming, noodles were boiling, one child dilly dallied in the bath forever, the other threw a massive fit in the playroom, i kept my cool.
Currently, little is in the bath and big boy is finishing up homework. Dinner is over. We are half way there.
But....I don't always keep my cool. How do you stay patient at the end of these long mommy days? I'm alone a lot because hubs works super long hours. Just tonight, I was supposed to go get some girl time in but had to back out because of his work load. He is such a hard worker. Its amazing...and an honor to be his wife, lemme tell yah! But, still, I do start to run a little, uh, rough, at the end of the day. So I'd love to hear what you do to keep yourself calm and patient, gentle and quiet...all while rearing those precious little ones of yours.
I sat beside them for a little longer wondering how I was going to muster up the strength and patience to make it until after bedtime. I still had dinner to make, baths to give, a ton of homework to do with the boy, and bedtime. Hubby dearest wont be home til 8. It seemed like a slightly impossible task. I took a deep breath and just prayed that God would allow me to access the strength that I know He has already given me in order to be a mother who isn't, well, a beast :)
I logged on to my amazing church's website, Pittsburgh East Community Church, and listened to the live worship from this past weekend. While broccoli was steaming, noodles were boiling, one child dilly dallied in the bath forever, the other threw a massive fit in the playroom, i kept my cool.
Currently, little is in the bath and big boy is finishing up homework. Dinner is over. We are half way there.
But....I don't always keep my cool. How do you stay patient at the end of these long mommy days? I'm alone a lot because hubs works super long hours. Just tonight, I was supposed to go get some girl time in but had to back out because of his work load. He is such a hard worker. Its amazing...and an honor to be his wife, lemme tell yah! But, still, I do start to run a little, uh, rough, at the end of the day. So I'd love to hear what you do to keep yourself calm and patient, gentle and quiet...all while rearing those precious little ones of yours.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Little In A Big World
We spent a lot of time watching home videos while we were home for Christmas these pass two weeks. I grew up in SUCH a simple life. My parents were the epitome of sacrifice. My dad drove an old beater for most of my life just so that we could go to Christian school. My mom made homemade Easter baskets out of brown grocery bags for us. We got 1-2 Christmas presents each, which we usually shared. One of the home videos we watched was over Easter. I was 12. Inside my Easter basket was a hand puppet. Thats it. I was overjoyed to receive it. Really? A 12 year old loving a hand puppet? I can almost guarantee that if I bought that for my 6 year old today, he would complain, or not even want it.
Will and I can look back now and see that we had great intentions, but we WAY overdid it. They have SO MUCH stuff. They always get so much stuff. And its at the point now, where they just don't even care about receiving because its never enough. I actually nearly fell over because one of them uttered "Thats all we get? Three presents??? Ugh" as we opened gifts at the grandparents house. Are you kidding me? We obviously had a BIG talk about it but I want it to sink in. I'm not sure I know how to accurately get this lesson across. I think I have given them the wrong message in their life so far. I want to reverse this. I want them to be passionate lovers of Jesus, first and foremost, and then because of that intense love overflow, I want them to be fiercely giving and generous.
We got SO little as kids (compared to now-a-days -oldie alert, who says nowadays???? haha) and we still were so thankful. We always looked forward to Christmas but we never felt entitled to receive certain gifts or have certain lists fulfilled. I mean, I definitely remember going over to friends houses who had so much more than us and wishing for what they had. But it didn't shape my whole world. I want that for my kids. I want to drown out the noise.
So Im looking for ideas and input. How do you teach these things to your children? What are some ideas for teaching them to be grateful and appreciative in a world that teaches us to always want more? We live in a big world, where being a minimalist is SO hard, but how do you drown out the noise, and fill them with what is important? I can't wait for your feedback!!
Will and I can look back now and see that we had great intentions, but we WAY overdid it. They have SO MUCH stuff. They always get so much stuff. And its at the point now, where they just don't even care about receiving because its never enough. I actually nearly fell over because one of them uttered "Thats all we get? Three presents??? Ugh" as we opened gifts at the grandparents house. Are you kidding me? We obviously had a BIG talk about it but I want it to sink in. I'm not sure I know how to accurately get this lesson across. I think I have given them the wrong message in their life so far. I want to reverse this. I want them to be passionate lovers of Jesus, first and foremost, and then because of that intense love overflow, I want them to be fiercely giving and generous.
We got SO little as kids (compared to now-a-days -oldie alert, who says nowadays???? haha) and we still were so thankful. We always looked forward to Christmas but we never felt entitled to receive certain gifts or have certain lists fulfilled. I mean, I definitely remember going over to friends houses who had so much more than us and wishing for what they had. But it didn't shape my whole world. I want that for my kids. I want to drown out the noise.
So Im looking for ideas and input. How do you teach these things to your children? What are some ideas for teaching them to be grateful and appreciative in a world that teaches us to always want more? We live in a big world, where being a minimalist is SO hard, but how do you drown out the noise, and fill them with what is important? I can't wait for your feedback!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The Best Beginning Ever...
2012 has ended in the best imaginable way for our family. My sweet dad blessed us beyond belief by flying us home to So Cal for Christmas and New Years. The last time we were able to spend Christmas with our family here was 2008 so it was MUCH needed. We arrived a few days before Christmas. My mom and stepdad saved all the tree and home decorating for my kids to be able to do with them. They got to decorate the tree, help with the outside decor, made an enormous gingerbread house from scratch, made and decorated cupcakes, and helped prepare our Christmas meal. The day before Christmas Eve, we went with my dad and stepmom to go get family photos take. It was hysterical!!! We got some great ones and we also got to show who we really are in some of them. See what I mean??? hahaha
Sisters
The Best
Famsies
We spent a delightful Christmas Eve at my dad and stepmoms house. The kids were lavished in love and attention and nothing makes me happier. It was SUCH a great time. Christmas was spent at my mom and stepdads with the whole family. We had a delish meal and sooo much fun family time. We ended the night an my aunt and uncles house. It was SO great to have so much fun family time.
We all got some narley cold virus that kept us in the house for way more than usual, but it was so great to have so much more down time than we normally have on visits. We have spent a ton of time playing games, watching super old episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians with my sister, watching hilarious old movies, and just laughing and hanging out together. I love it here. I love my family SO very much.
New Years was spent with these wild party animals!!! We played Battle of the Sexes for 3 hours and even my youngest brother skyped in from India to join the fun.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The Time Has Come...
For more blogging....
I am going to try and revive this blog starting in January...stay tuned :)
I am going to try and revive this blog starting in January...stay tuned :)
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Freedom Journey
My journey really started 30 years ago. Born a very needy, emotional child, I lived trusting that everything thing my tender and extreme heart felt, was out and out truth.
When I made my cross country move with my family in January of 2009, I had a fanciful vision of what it would be like. A close knit family support system, a stable job, friends who could meet my every need...and perfect life. A girl can dream right? And boy did I.
The family situation was different that I had dreamed up in my head. My friends had lives of their own (duh). And the job situation was not nearly as easy and secure as we had thought it would be. So much of this was exaggerated by my insatiable nature and my extreme trust in my emotions.
Anyone who even kind of knows me, knows of my struggles with my little girl. She is the sweetest, most beautiful little stubborn soul that I've ever met. My struggles with her started during pregnancy. My fear of having a daughter, quickly turned into my fear of her in general, when she just became the most difficult baby that I have ever encountered. That, coupled with the fact that I averaged 2 hours of broken sleep per every 24 hours, and severe postpartum depression, I really didn't see a way out of my very very very dark tunnel. I tried so hard to build relationships, masking my own passions and dreams and beliefs in order to get people to like me...in hopes that I would have a huge support system. I didn't want to express who I was or what I thought because I quickly saw that that was a reason for me to be rejected. I sort of weaved this web of lots of "friends" who really knew nothing about me. I was internally dying, angry, sad, lonely and quite honestly, beyond miserable...just ask my poor sweet husband.
In Oct of 2010, things started shifting. We moved. My sister was living with us. Her and Will decided that we would make, what I was certain would be, another failed attempt of finding a church that would be a fit for our family. I was DREADING that Sunday morning with the worst attitude one could imagine. But we got there, and shockingly enough, I didn't despise it. So that was a good start. The people we met that day sparked something in me. Something that spoke of hope...
That helped me to start looking around at the people I called "friends." People who I could not be myself in front of. People who talked about me behind my back, just like they did about everyone else. People who I knew weren't my true friends...people who were just making this void larger and larger...
It also helped me see the things I was trying to numb my pain with. It brought me to a place where I wanted to make some changes in the way I was valuing myself. I started getting serious about eating better and exercising, which did wonders for my state of mind.
I did some gardening, so to speak. Got rid of some weeds. But it wasn't enough...every time the "rains would fall" those weeds would spring back up. My anxiety would paralyze me, depression would suck the life out of me...it wasn't a permanent solution.
I really started to get serious about my relationships. I also started to see that it wasn't my job to internalize everyone elses pain. It wasn't my job to make everyone like me. It was NO way to live at all to feel guilt for things that no one should ever feel guilt for...
I kept trying and trying and trying to do all the right things....but I'd get into a slump, and Id be back to feeling so much anxiety and so much loneliness and so much fear and worthlessness and guilt...that I would be paralyzed, yet again.
Doesn't it all seem SO SO SO effective??? All it takes is less than perfect circumstances, and suddenly, I can't function. I have been that way my entire life. Believing in all the lies....I am worthless. I am alone. My anxiety needs to rule my life because I have no control over it. I am fat. I am unacceptable. I am a bad mom and terrible wife. Etc etc.
I was at small group bible study with some of the most amazing people, blubbering my eyes out, which, again, if you know me at all, oatmeal heart, Im ALWAYS crying haha. Its my "thing." As clear as day, like a punch in the stomach, I was looked square in the eyes and told, "Emotions ARE NOT TRUTH."
WHAT????????????
Emotion: A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes.
Truth: Constancy. sincerity, the state of being the case, real things, events, and facts, being in accord with fact or reality
I really started to study, observe and drive home this amazing truth. I was living in a wallpapered prison cell that told me that I HAVE to listen to and believe every emotion, because even though it was a spontaneous, unconscious mental state, I believed it like it were the rock solid truth about every single area of my life.
In Sept of 2011, me and a few close friends <3 started working on Beth Moore's Breaking Free study. Our group time together ended up dissolving but I can look back now and see that it was all in Gods perfect timing. I remember reading about breaking free from chains that had been wrapped around you your whole life and having the thought that, #1 that is impossible...and #2 aren't these chains kinda comfy??
Over the past years and most recently, months, this mind renewing transformation has just been mind blowing for me. I continued alone doing Breaking Free alone. It was a 10 week study that took me almost 10 months...but the timing was perfect. God has been driving me oh so slowly...because He knew that was all that I could take. Knowing that God rejoices when I even move forward in inch, is mind blowing. Its like with our own babies. We freak out, rejoice, dance around like idiots, when they first smile, when they first roll over, when they take one teeny tiny step. We don't hover over them and wish they were completely grown, knowing everything, impatiently wishing away their life...we watch, listen, guide, teach, as they slowly grown and learn.
That is what God has done with me. Im so thankful.
I can see how effective the paralyzing fear, anxiety, lies, depression and loneliness were . I can see that for my entire life, I missed out because I believed those lies. What a break through...what a stronghold broken. Now, let me tell you, this is a process that I have to work at every single day. I have by no means. "arrived" but I can not operate any more, the way I once had, because I now know, if nothing else, that the lies are just that...LIES. Working through things is a whole different story...but I know, that God has given me every single thing I need to receive all that He has for me, which is so much more than I could ever even imagine.
I can see now, looking back, how much pain these strongholds have caused me and people around me...how much I have missed out on...and it is so inspiring to me because I do not want to miss out anymore. I see the fruit of my labor. I see God raising me up to do all the things He has always wanted me to. I wont be robbed any more...and it is SO exciting!!!!
He is renewing my passion for children that I buried so long ago. He is teaching me how to do things, even when I am scared. He is teaching me how to grow and love and let go and how to take every single thought captive before I let it freely roam around in my mind. Its just amazing!!!
I want freedom for everyone I know. My whole entire life is changing before my eyes and I want to shout it from the rooftops. I cannot keep quiet about it. This freedom is so completely Him in me and at the same time, so completely not me at all. Its just, ahhh, words cannot describe it. I want freedom for my children and my family and my amazing friends...I want it for the person I see pumping gas and the girl who is ringing up my groceries. I just want it for the world...because each precious soul deserves it.
So much of my life was spent trying to please others...and while I still definitely want to be a great friend, a life changing mother, an amazing wife....I don't live being responsible for others feelings anymore. I recently lost a friend...with no explanation, a person who really changed my life, chose to just walk away from me. I still have no idea why, and I have a feeling I will never know....but the old me, would have panicked, feared, questioned myself...I know the truth now, though: I am not defined by someone else's choices or misconceptions. Now, I can see my friends, and all the people in my life, without owning their sadness and pain...while still praying for their hurt, loving them through what I can....but giving their situation fully and completely to God, knowing that He is all powerful to heal and comfort...and also knowing that I am but a tool, who feels so honored to be used by Him.
I am blown away by His love for me. I am completely awe struck by His pursuit of me. He is patient and loving and He doesn't get tired of all the reassurance that I need. He will tell me of His love for me over and over and over and over. He doesn't write me off because I am not good enough. Man, I don't know how to react to love like that....other than to give every single ounce of who I am to Him...and pour out all off the self that I have filled my own vessel with so that it is empty and sparkling clean for God to fill, overflowing-ly so, that nothing, and I mean nothing but Him flows out of me. Picture a vase, full of mud....how could you pour anything beautiful and wonderful into it until you first, dump all the mud out, clean it...and then wait to be filled with some incredible. The more you allow it to be emptied, the more it is continuously filled. Incredible, right?
I am so so thankful for such amazing friends and family...who have been so patient. Who have loved me unconditionally, and without fail, have not turned away from me. I am so blessed to have compassionate support...people who genuinely care. I am so blessed to be loved so limitlessly...
And to my God that will never give up, who has a love for me will never ever run out on me,
I am empty, to filled....Yours forever.
When I made my cross country move with my family in January of 2009, I had a fanciful vision of what it would be like. A close knit family support system, a stable job, friends who could meet my every need...and perfect life. A girl can dream right? And boy did I.
The family situation was different that I had dreamed up in my head. My friends had lives of their own (duh). And the job situation was not nearly as easy and secure as we had thought it would be. So much of this was exaggerated by my insatiable nature and my extreme trust in my emotions.
Anyone who even kind of knows me, knows of my struggles with my little girl. She is the sweetest, most beautiful little stubborn soul that I've ever met. My struggles with her started during pregnancy. My fear of having a daughter, quickly turned into my fear of her in general, when she just became the most difficult baby that I have ever encountered. That, coupled with the fact that I averaged 2 hours of broken sleep per every 24 hours, and severe postpartum depression, I really didn't see a way out of my very very very dark tunnel. I tried so hard to build relationships, masking my own passions and dreams and beliefs in order to get people to like me...in hopes that I would have a huge support system. I didn't want to express who I was or what I thought because I quickly saw that that was a reason for me to be rejected. I sort of weaved this web of lots of "friends" who really knew nothing about me. I was internally dying, angry, sad, lonely and quite honestly, beyond miserable...just ask my poor sweet husband.
In Oct of 2010, things started shifting. We moved. My sister was living with us. Her and Will decided that we would make, what I was certain would be, another failed attempt of finding a church that would be a fit for our family. I was DREADING that Sunday morning with the worst attitude one could imagine. But we got there, and shockingly enough, I didn't despise it. So that was a good start. The people we met that day sparked something in me. Something that spoke of hope...
That helped me to start looking around at the people I called "friends." People who I could not be myself in front of. People who talked about me behind my back, just like they did about everyone else. People who I knew weren't my true friends...people who were just making this void larger and larger...
It also helped me see the things I was trying to numb my pain with. It brought me to a place where I wanted to make some changes in the way I was valuing myself. I started getting serious about eating better and exercising, which did wonders for my state of mind.
I did some gardening, so to speak. Got rid of some weeds. But it wasn't enough...every time the "rains would fall" those weeds would spring back up. My anxiety would paralyze me, depression would suck the life out of me...it wasn't a permanent solution.
I really started to get serious about my relationships. I also started to see that it wasn't my job to internalize everyone elses pain. It wasn't my job to make everyone like me. It was NO way to live at all to feel guilt for things that no one should ever feel guilt for...
I kept trying and trying and trying to do all the right things....but I'd get into a slump, and Id be back to feeling so much anxiety and so much loneliness and so much fear and worthlessness and guilt...that I would be paralyzed, yet again.
Doesn't it all seem SO SO SO effective??? All it takes is less than perfect circumstances, and suddenly, I can't function. I have been that way my entire life. Believing in all the lies....I am worthless. I am alone. My anxiety needs to rule my life because I have no control over it. I am fat. I am unacceptable. I am a bad mom and terrible wife. Etc etc.
I was at small group bible study with some of the most amazing people, blubbering my eyes out, which, again, if you know me at all, oatmeal heart, Im ALWAYS crying haha. Its my "thing." As clear as day, like a punch in the stomach, I was looked square in the eyes and told, "Emotions ARE NOT TRUTH."
WHAT????????????
Emotion: A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes.
Truth: Constancy. sincerity, the state of being the case, real things, events, and facts, being in accord with fact or reality
I really started to study, observe and drive home this amazing truth. I was living in a wallpapered prison cell that told me that I HAVE to listen to and believe every emotion, because even though it was a spontaneous, unconscious mental state, I believed it like it were the rock solid truth about every single area of my life.
In Sept of 2011, me and a few close friends <3 started working on Beth Moore's Breaking Free study. Our group time together ended up dissolving but I can look back now and see that it was all in Gods perfect timing. I remember reading about breaking free from chains that had been wrapped around you your whole life and having the thought that, #1 that is impossible...and #2 aren't these chains kinda comfy??
Over the past years and most recently, months, this mind renewing transformation has just been mind blowing for me. I continued alone doing Breaking Free alone. It was a 10 week study that took me almost 10 months...but the timing was perfect. God has been driving me oh so slowly...because He knew that was all that I could take. Knowing that God rejoices when I even move forward in inch, is mind blowing. Its like with our own babies. We freak out, rejoice, dance around like idiots, when they first smile, when they first roll over, when they take one teeny tiny step. We don't hover over them and wish they were completely grown, knowing everything, impatiently wishing away their life...we watch, listen, guide, teach, as they slowly grown and learn.
That is what God has done with me. Im so thankful.
I can see how effective the paralyzing fear, anxiety, lies, depression and loneliness were . I can see that for my entire life, I missed out because I believed those lies. What a break through...what a stronghold broken. Now, let me tell you, this is a process that I have to work at every single day. I have by no means. "arrived" but I can not operate any more, the way I once had, because I now know, if nothing else, that the lies are just that...LIES. Working through things is a whole different story...but I know, that God has given me every single thing I need to receive all that He has for me, which is so much more than I could ever even imagine.
I can see now, looking back, how much pain these strongholds have caused me and people around me...how much I have missed out on...and it is so inspiring to me because I do not want to miss out anymore. I see the fruit of my labor. I see God raising me up to do all the things He has always wanted me to. I wont be robbed any more...and it is SO exciting!!!!
He is renewing my passion for children that I buried so long ago. He is teaching me how to do things, even when I am scared. He is teaching me how to grow and love and let go and how to take every single thought captive before I let it freely roam around in my mind. Its just amazing!!!
I want freedom for everyone I know. My whole entire life is changing before my eyes and I want to shout it from the rooftops. I cannot keep quiet about it. This freedom is so completely Him in me and at the same time, so completely not me at all. Its just, ahhh, words cannot describe it. I want freedom for my children and my family and my amazing friends...I want it for the person I see pumping gas and the girl who is ringing up my groceries. I just want it for the world...because each precious soul deserves it.
So much of my life was spent trying to please others...and while I still definitely want to be a great friend, a life changing mother, an amazing wife....I don't live being responsible for others feelings anymore. I recently lost a friend...with no explanation, a person who really changed my life, chose to just walk away from me. I still have no idea why, and I have a feeling I will never know....but the old me, would have panicked, feared, questioned myself...I know the truth now, though: I am not defined by someone else's choices or misconceptions. Now, I can see my friends, and all the people in my life, without owning their sadness and pain...while still praying for their hurt, loving them through what I can....but giving their situation fully and completely to God, knowing that He is all powerful to heal and comfort...and also knowing that I am but a tool, who feels so honored to be used by Him.
I am blown away by His love for me. I am completely awe struck by His pursuit of me. He is patient and loving and He doesn't get tired of all the reassurance that I need. He will tell me of His love for me over and over and over and over. He doesn't write me off because I am not good enough. Man, I don't know how to react to love like that....other than to give every single ounce of who I am to Him...and pour out all off the self that I have filled my own vessel with so that it is empty and sparkling clean for God to fill, overflowing-ly so, that nothing, and I mean nothing but Him flows out of me. Picture a vase, full of mud....how could you pour anything beautiful and wonderful into it until you first, dump all the mud out, clean it...and then wait to be filled with some incredible. The more you allow it to be emptied, the more it is continuously filled. Incredible, right?
I am so so thankful for such amazing friends and family...who have been so patient. Who have loved me unconditionally, and without fail, have not turned away from me. I am so blessed to have compassionate support...people who genuinely care. I am so blessed to be loved so limitlessly...
And to my God that will never give up, who has a love for me will never ever run out on me,
I am empty, to filled....Yours forever.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Awesome Giveaways
Just wanted to post some awesome giveaway info. If you care about your health at all, you should def check it out!!!
http://www.facebook.com/doctorwillcole
http://www.facebook.com/doctorwillcole
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