Tenderness

We Have Hope...

2012-01-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

We have Hope, to carry through the darkest night. Our God has overcome the fear inside.

These lyrics from Pittsburgh East Community Church's worship album (You Have My Heart -Amplify) have really been burrowing their way to the core of my heart.

I grew up in the city. Street lights, building lights, headlights...there is just a glowing all the time. You can't really see stars because it is just that light outside. When I moved to Uganda, I lived in a village, in the middle of ACTUAL nowhere! When I first got there, we didn't even have electricity. My house was one of the last to get A light inside of it and it was so temperamental that I usually used my lanterns and flashlights a majority of the time. I would walk back and forth to my sweet friend Sophie's house constantly...and at night, it was pitch black. I have never experienced the kind of darkness that your eyes never adjust to. It was remarkable really. There were many nights where one of the kids from the orphanage that we lived at would have borrowed my flashlight to use to study or I was out of matches and couldn't light my lantern and would need to either walk to Sophie's or home from Sophie's. It was complete darkness. I had walked the path many times with the light in my hand, so I could estimate when to turn, how many steps to take, but it was terrifying sometimes. From Sophie's house, I would walk through her grassy yard, then onto a stony dirt road, then through a small corn field, out of there onto another a small dirt road and then on a path that headed to my own house. The little corn field was the worst part for me. I would picture me actually stepping over a black mamba or a python. Sometimes a corn stalk would slap me in the face. But you know what, I prayed for safety and courage as I walked like I'd never prayed before on those short walks in the darkest of night. I had walked this path hundreds of times. I knew what to feel for with my feet, I knew when to reach out my hands to avoid certain potential road blocks. I had walked the path with light guiding me many time...so really, I was as prepared as I could be. But the fear was sometimes still terrifying. Being without light like that, in the darkest of the dark, what choices did I have? I could be swallowed up...or I could choose to walk on in bravery, because God was with me.

Now, that story makes me sound a lot more courageous than I actually was. But every time I hear "the darkest night" I think of those dark Ugandan nights! (You know exactly what I mean right Sophie and Adam???) And I also think of our "darkest nights" here...what those look like for me and for others.

Maybe it is...

the woman struggling with her body image so severely that she can hardly take a breath without feeling inadequate.

the man struggle with an alcohol problem.

the woman who is living with an abusive man who she loves and doesn't know what to do.

the woman who is fighting to forgive her husbands unfaithfulness.

the couple who is fighting and screaming all the time in front of their children.

the man that is entrapped in pornography.

the orphan with no family, who watched them all be taken from them.

the person flooded with pain from a divorce, rape, loss of a child, or past mistakes.

the woman who with holds her true self from everyone because she has bitterness and anger taking over her life.

...or worse...
maybe its the person who thinks they are so much better than all of these things that they would never find themselves in this kind of darkness.

Some of us have been in so many of these places, some have been in none of them. But that darkness, that powerful absence of light, it comes for us. It can be paralyzing, terrifying, humiliating, swallow us whole...imagine yourself in one of the above places for a moment...imagine...

But...it doesn't end there.

We have HOPE to carry through the DARKEST NIGHT. We have it. It is ours. All we have to do is pick it up and carry it with us. We have to reach out and accept the light. We have to take that courageous step and grab it, and hold on to it and never let it go. We can't give up just because we can't find it right this second. We have to take the step, walk toward it, trust that this Hope, will carry us, just as He promised us. But we cannot carry His hope if we will not reach out and grab on to Him.

I have been taking this idea a little further in my own heart. I have been think about what these dark nights would look like if I really prepared myself for them. What if I was constantly reading Gods word and filling myself with His amazing and perfect tools, weapons, and armor to withstand and overcome the darkest nights. At my fingertips, I would have Him...leading me and guiding every footstep. I would become so used to trusting that He was there (which He always is) that I wouldn't even have to go through that initial panic that I was all alone in the dark. I would KNOW all of His promises and I would believe them. His power and might would overcome my darkest nights...

He is a God who wants to not only allow us to carry His Hope through the darkest nights, but wants us to seek Him so deeply that we allow Him to carry US through the darkest of nights...

Today, I'm working on trusting that He even wants to do this for me....its a process, but His light is so life giving and so empowering and so life changing, that I truly want nothing more than to be overflowing with Him...because THIS LOVE IS UNSTOPPABLE.

Oh, marriage...GAHHH!

2011-10-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

When I came home from Uganda the last time, I had a plan. I had a vision for my life. Not interested in the whole husband thing...just wanted to be in the jungle somewhere bringing life and love to AIDS orphans. Everything I did was devoted to that vision.
Then...dun dun dun...I met Will. Wrench, meet my plans. Thanks!

He was amazing. It took some time to truly believe it was happening. But here I am, seven long years later, his wife :) After a year or two, I realized that my previous vision was likely not going to happen. I have mourned that loss for a LONG time. Sometimes it feels like I gave up all of my dreams for this very different life, but, this is where I am. Now what? I have been saying "Now what?" for WAY too long. Wife/motherhood has left me feeling like I don't have much to give. Its just too much some days. Too much monotony, too much failure, just plain ol' too much.

Lately, my world has been rocked...by several things. The first is, our incredible church did an amazing series called Sun Stand Still which left me asking the question, "Ok God, I have been waiting for a long time for a new vision...GIVE ME ONE DANGIT!!!!" Well, our small group is doing a more in depth study on the entire book, Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick. Uh-mazing! Half way thru the book i began to realize, "Oh wait...so my vision doesn't have to be saving lives, reaching thousands??? It could be...RIGHT WHERE I'M AT????" Woah. Fur-realz??? So I started doing some soul searching. I started really digging deep in my heart. What would it be like if I really called upon the strength of my God to be the wife, mother, daughter and friend that God is truly proud of. My marriage, what if it were something everyone talked about. "Wow, did you see Will and Amber, they ooze with love for each other!!!" Which brings me back to the second thing that has really been rocking my world. I guess I am at the place in my life where marriages all around start to struggle. People are fighting (or not fighting) to hang on to their marriages. People are getting divorced, are separated, and are experience extreme pain and emptiness in what should be the most intimate loving relationship in life. Its hard. Will and I feel it. Its such a struggle every day for us. Do we choose to keep fighting for this sacred relationship? Do we have what it takes? Are we ruining each other with our reckless words and selfish behavior? For a lot of people, it seems like it is more about "Is this relationship still fun, worth it, something I FEEL like being apart of?" In a conversation Will and I were having, we decided that we don't want those questions to be where we are at, EVER!!! We want our questions to be, "What do we need to do next in order to keep us clinging to one another!??" We committed our lives to each other UNTIL death. That's huge. How can we get any where, much less a place of wedded bliss (go ahead, roll your eyes, gag etc.) without taking that into account. Forever. Until the end of time.

Now...getting from said realization to actual realty...Wheeelp...not sure how to get there just yet. My prayer is that God would remind me of it everyday, in every way. Remind me to be an example of Christ to my husband, my children, my friends...through the lonely times, the unfulfilled moments, the raging anger, the overwhelming life before me. Talk about a work in progress...blah...I'm like a pile of dirt at this point...Good luck, God, you have got Your work cut out for you. But I am up for it. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything.

Today, I was the perfect example of a Proverbs 31 wife (my nose just grew like 10 feet!!!). I complained, nagged, reamed, moped, cried...you name it, I probably either said it or texted it to Will. I feel overwhelmed. I have a lot of responsibility in our house and I just dumped and dumped and dumped on him. So, along with blowing up his phone with incessant bitching, I thought I could solve all of our current issues with a list. I made a list. It was beautiful. ELEVEN pages long. I covered everything that needs to be done in our life/house. Categorized it by daily/weekly/monthly tasks. I listed house hold chores room by room. ELEVEN pages people!!!! I stacked it nicely and was prepared to show it to Will when he got home (from working incredibly hard all day long, providing for our family, and changing the lives of his patients). Thinking, THIS will help him understand WHY I am overwhelmed (since the 9,564 text messages didn't???) Well I stacked my (ELEVEN PAGED) list and placed it on the counter, and five minutes later, my five year old spilled a huge cup of water on it. I burst into tears and freaked out on him (as he was trying to wring it out!!!). I got towels and tried to dab it away. I was furious. Then...in my heart I heard this...

How is your list working for you now Amber? Was that going to solve everything? Are you really in control? THAT is what I think of your list!!

OUCH!!! But still, I was ignoring it. I called Will (who was a brave soul for answering his phone after all I had put him through so far in the day) blubbering like a total idiot. "WAHHHH my list...friggin kid...ruined ELEVEN PAGES of perfection!!!" Will calmly said, "do you think this might have deeper meaning?" Grrr, gotta go!!!

Yeah, the truth is, instantly, I knew it had deeper meaning. My life, when controlled by me, it is a horrible mess -something like that of eleven soggy, now inkless, papers- It has EVERYTHING to do with my attitude, my choices, followed by strength that can only come from God to create action and change. Will could and may never ever let go of his irritating habits or sometimes insensitive behavior, and I should still be able to choose to love him, as he is, forever. Without that, this can't work. Without choosing everyday that God is the only One who can give me the strength to have a powerful, meaningful, marriage that is an example to the people around me, it will crumble in a heartbeat...

I had a lot of apologizing to do today. To Will, for the painfully obvious, to Solomon for WAY over reacting...and to God, for forgetting far too often that He and only He is the Way to Life set apart...

Giant Slayer

2011-08-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

They say, "Being a mom is the best, most rewarding job there is..."

Really?

Because I mean, I'm sure it might be true, but its hard to really wrap my head around that. I spend my days doing some really lame crap...refereeing fighting children, wiping butts, cleaning up crums from really random places, looking for teeny tiny lego men swords, watching more Bubble Guppies than any one person should ever have to. That does not feel like the greatest job ever. For me, a "dream job" would be elbow deep in someones chest cavity, stiching a heart valve back together. But, that isn't wear I am. I am a mom. I have two fabulous kids, who crack me up, irritate the daylights out of me, and make me feel love in ways I never even knew were possible. Its just I always go back to that "most rewarding" part. How do you know? You do your best, but its all out of your hands. How many mothers look at their adult children and say "Look at them...wow...that was so rewarding." I don't know if my own mother would say that...she probably would, but she is one of those crazy optimists.

Some days I just sit back and say, "God, is this REALLY what you have for me? That's it?" That sounds kind of awful but sometimes it just feels like my entire heart, soul and being has been swallowed up in wife/motherhood. I used to think this was all I ever wanted...but now, I wonder, what will I ever do with my life once my kids are older?? I forget what it is like to have hobbies, or think of myself, or even remember that there is a "me" below the person I am now.

Most of my friends finished college, were successful working women. Why am I not one of them??

Pretty damaging frame of mind dont you think?

Comparing. Limiting. Maybe even paralyzing sometimes.

I have other friends who just know that this is IT for them. They LOVE what they do. They know they are RIGHT where God wants them.

That isn't me...I am not like that. Why am I not one of them??

Comparing. Limiting. Maybe even paralyzing sometimes.

The curse of comparison is deadly. First, it cuts you off at the knees. Once you are sucked in, everyones lives are SO much more fulfilling, so much more successful, better in every way...so it seems. Second, you limit yourself from purpose, vision and an extraordinary life. Comparison robs us of our destiny. The curse of comparison destroys what God's plan is for our lives. Peoples blessings become our missed opportunity. We feel defeated because we are constantly measuring ourselves against others. The curse of comparison shrinks your world.

We are bombarded daily with lies. This is what it looks like to be beautiful. This is what it looks like to be sucessful. Is what defines us what people see when they look at us? Is what people say about us what we REALLY are? Or are we measuring ourselves against the Word of God, what God's amazing, unique path for each of us is, and what He feels about us?

David is such an example of a Giant Slayer. A warrior in every way. Sure he slayed a nine foot tall giant with a stone. But his road was full of overcoming things that were more threatening than even Goliath. When David went to the battle field to check on his brothers for his father, he found a beast of a man mocking Davids God. David was appalled. He said "How can you let him talk like this about our God?!?!! I wanna take this dude on!!!!" So King Saul finally agrees to allow this boy, not old enough to be a soldier, to take this giant on. BUT...Saul says, "You have to wear my armor. THIS is how you fight." So David puts on the armor. Its was, of course, WAY too big. So David says, "Whoa...this isn't me. This isn't how I fight." He doesn't get sucked in to worrying about how everyone else fights battles. He doesn't feel like he can't be apart of what God has for him because he isn't like everyone around him. So...he goes out. Goliath starts attacking him, verbally. He attacks who he is. "You come to me, you are just a boy. Look at the weapons you have, how pathetic." David doesn't waiver. He knows that God has magnificent things planned for him. He doesn't compare himself once...he fights on. He defeats Goliath. Despite the cricism...he never once starts comparing himself to all of the other professional warriors around him. He is perfectly unique...and he followed and trusted in Gods perfectly unique plan FOR HIM.

God has a promise for each of us. It is up to us to allow Him to be in control. He wants to do AMAZING things through us. No matter where we are. He has us where we are for a reason...but if we are caught in a web of comparison, we cannot even see far enough to grasp onto the amazing plan that He is offering us...

What is defining our lives? Is it what God says is possible?? Being true to yourself never works...because self cannot offer us what God can offer us. Self's defintion of us can never ever compare to what God says we are.

The best, most rewarding job ever???

Its right at your finger tips...GRAB IT, from RIGHT where you are...

God Blessed The Broken Road...

2011-07-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

This image is etched into my head.

Two close friends, who love each other, dancing closely and sweetly, to Rascal Flatts Bless The Broken Road.

Will and I watch our friends, and both listened to the lyrics of the song that we have both heard a thousand times. I, of course, teared up...and we just moved closer to each other and had one of those full circle moments together.

Our lives are far from "hard" in the grand scheme of things. We were not kidnapped from our homes, held captive and raped for 18 years. We were not forced into slavery as children. We had fairly "blessed" lives with family who did their best. We had lots of "things." But there was a lot of brokenness, abuse, loneliness and pain. I remember just feeling so alone for so long. Everyone was moving on with their lives, but my heart ached. I remember hopelessly feeling like no one would just love me for me. Offering myself to people in ways that I never ever should have, but just desperate, to know that I was worth something. I was searching...through all the brokenness...

It always felt like such a mess...everything was a mess, and usually, it was always pointed out to me that it as MY fault. I remember being so little and just knowing how I was messing everything up. If I could have just been quieter, better, happier, less emotional, it wouldn't be such a mess. Oh, the pain, I can still tap into that feeling today...it was almost unbearable.

I can look back now. That broken broken road....it led me right here, to where I am. I am married to the love of my life. He is the man who drives me crazier than anyone I have ever met, the man who stirs fires within me, the man who, no matter how scared and afraid I am, just calms me by holding me close. How did I get here? I needed him my whole life...he is every dream that I ever dared to dream. He is all the things I wanted and things I never knew I needed. He is here, because of all that brokenness. I know I would have never found him down any other road.

Because of him, we have our two amazing kids, which are the completion to us. We live in a beautiful house, in a beautiful place, surrounded by the most amazing friends we could ever wish for...things are far from perfect, but man, they are PERFECT for us. We are still broken people, but this road that we are on, all of the incredible blessings we have....we couldn't have it unless God blessed the broken road, that led us right here...

And to those two beautiful dancing friends, we are so thankful that our road led us to you too...

A Beautiful Exchange...

2011-04-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was driving home tonight and sobbing in the car. My "inner wound" was infected, if you will. I have this deep resounding wound of "no one wants me." I was "picking" at this wound. Feeling scared, or sorry for myself I guess. I look around and sometimes it just feels like everyone has their someone. My friends have better friends, friends they carve out weekly time for, friends they want to be with, friends that they share secrets with...and I always feel like the loser, who is just too much of a pain to "fit in." I feel like this a lot, so I get that this is primarily MY wound and MY insecurity.

But....I just want "my person."

It used to be my sister...but she has another "person" now...so its just me. Here's the kicker though...I always feel like a burden to people, so it is a rarity, that I would actually "lean" on a person, because I end up feeling so stupid or feeling like a burden. Its a vicious cycle. But I do just really want "my person."

Tangent....

Back to my driving sobfest...ha. I was ~~listening to~~ BLASTING my favorite Hillsong cd. These words were filling my car...

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure
Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in
Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption,
You carried all the blame
Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place
When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
My burden erased
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away
My only desire
And sole ambition
Is to love You just the same
When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
Holy are You, God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

You were near though I was distant disillusioned, I was lost and insecure. Still, mercy fought for MY attention...You were/are waiting at the door.
So...am I going to answer? Now? For always? He is "my person." If I could only remember that. I just have to choose Him. Daily, hourly, or like most days, momentarily.

When only LOVE, could break these chains....
and boy, these chains are something else. In my foolishness, just when I get ahold of freedom, there I go, running back to shackle myself. I need to choose Love. There are 1000 tiny choices per day, where I CAN choose love...imagine the transformation in the lives around me if I made 1000 teeny tiny little choices...to choose Love...instead of choosing me. Whether that be anger, frustration, tone of voice, a sneer...it would be transformational.

My only desire, and sole ambition...is to love you just the same...
Imagine a life...where this were true. So tomorrow, all mercies are new...I am vowing to try, with His strength, to choose Love...and my sole ambition, is to Love, the same as he Loves me...

I will let you know how it goes...

Photos, Politics and Power of Words

2011-04-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

We will start off with a little photo dump...its been a long time since I have done one of these...

Sunday...my very favorite day of the week. Church. I wish everyday were Sunday. I completely <3 my church...like seriously, completely! We usually hit up Mad Mex afterward, which I love to do. (Inset inner struggle music) BUUUT...imagine if we put that $40 a week toward something much more valuable. [Mental note: talk to Will about this] So here is Will and Shiloh waiting for food. See, she doesn't care about anything other than shoving her face full of chips and guacamole, and she definitely isn't going to look up for a photo.

Mr. Cool and his mom.

Do we see this face???? Clearly, Im ANNOYING! :)

My kids = OBSESSED with this new(ish) show called Bubble Guppies. The theme song - awful!!! But this is what it does to them...kinda hilarious.

We aren't huge fans of meat in our house. Let me rephrase that...anything with tendons, bones, gristle, and blood...its SUPER hard for me to eat, ok, I just can't do it...makes me hurl. Skeeves me right out. But we love the Quorn brand of meat substitutes. Same taste, no gristle/blood/tendons:) Anyhow, I found Quorn meatless crumbles and made the most delicious meatless loaf ever!!!! Topped with Morningstar meatless bacon...it was a meat haters meatless delight :)

This was an awesomely delish Indian dish. Brown cilantro rice, Quorn chickenless breasts simmered in a spicy Bombay curry sauce and garlic naan bread. Yum!

If you know Will, please let me point out, he is eating a donut. Yeah...I said donut!

Look who went and potty trained herself. Seriously, she put underwear on BY HERSELF almost 2 weeks ago and its been ALL HER since then. Cute as a button huh? All 22 lbs of her. Um...she will be 2 in like 3 weeks...WHAT???????

Its Spring...and well, winter here in Pennsylvania SUCKS, so I am THRILLED. I finally broke out the Rainbows yesterday...it was in the 70's yesterday AND my kids got sun burnt outside. Awesomeness. Bring on the heat baby!!!

Thats about it in the photo department. Since I fed you all of these photos, may I rant a moment? Facebook annoys me to no end these days and I'm seconds away from deleting my account (again). My news feed is so full of President criticism over the budget crisis. First and foremost, I would like to say, it is DISGUSTING to make our service men and woman go without a paycheck. BUT, so many of those posts are saying things like "Hey Obama, stop going on vacation and pay the military." Really? Sounds pretty ridiculous. Well...perhaps, if those same posts would have not been singing President Bush's praises not so long ago and would have, instead said "Stop wasting our money on a war you all lied about to get us into and get our military OUT OF THE ILLEGAL WARS you started!!!" I would be less annoyed. Instead it was "Oh he is such an amazing man of God and he is so awesome and yeah, bomb the middle east, blow it up for all I care." Seriously???? We are in this budget crisis for a reason that had NOTHING to do with our current President. Too bad there weren't more "Please pray for our President" posts right now, because, after all, he is just as flawed as the last President, and just as flawed as all of us....

I have a very special friend who I adore and admire in every possible way. Her husband has been deployed WAY TOO MANY times and even missed the birth of one of his sons. I am tearing up just thinking of how special this family is to me...and...how it is ridiculous that he had to fight in a war that should have never been started. AND that he now may not be getting paid??? Its awful...

Wouldn't it be nice if Americans were not so divided? One side worships EVERYTHING their "people" do, no matter how disgusting and then when their "opposing team" does similar things, those same actions are just HORRIFIC!!! Why can't we just bind together, admit our horrible wrongs and mend this broken country...

Pardon the soap box...Ive stepped down :)

Oh my mouth, it is a weapon sometimes (hence the last few paragraphs. Im so sorry!) I try really hard to tame my tongue. Words are so so powerful. They destroy and hurt and separate. In the same breath they can heal and uplift and love. It's been interesting for me since moving to a new place, making all new friends. It's hard. The friends I have in Southern California I grew up with. I knew everything about them. There was no questioning "Does she like me? Is she talking about me to other people? Does she like me??" A lot of it can go on and it is so damaging. It cuts into what could be real, strong friendships. I really have had to just let go of it all. If people want to listen, they can listen. But it really is only damaging their own lives. It is so easy to get sucked in...SO EASY. I have been guilty of it many many times. But I don't want it any more. My prayer is to take every word and thought captive and throw out the garbage, leave it, and never participate in it. It has the power to destroy lives. It is not a loss to lose someone who is constantly feeding people with dividing, hurtful words. In the end, its not a friendship that I would want to, or will hold onto. Its hurtful to be talked about. I do not want to hurt people. I am so thankful for the strong wonderful amazing beautiful friends that light up my life, uplift me, and care for me in ways I could never repay...

James 3 says this about the tongue...and it cuts...deep.
1-2 Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you'd have a perfect person, in perfect control of life. 3-5A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! 5-6 It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. 7-10 This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! 10-12 My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

At the end of my life, may it be said that I was trustworthy, giving, kind and a follower of Jesus...

I Will Praise You In This Storm...

2011-04-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.

You are who You are, no matter where I am...

Its hard to call my little tiny rain drop sized issues a storm, but sometimes, it feels stormy. It is hard to feel defeated at the end of the day... Being a wife, mother and child of God is pretty much all I've got going on for me right now. When I suck at that, I pretty much suck at life. I know, I know, its a little dramatic. But I should be able to get through the day with a Michelle Duggar voice shouldn't I? I mean really? I love that woman's tone of voice...but when your one year old poops in her underwear, its hard to keep up that sweet meek talk. Its even worse when I am ALMOST there...its bath time!!!! And today, I blew it. Ugh. Solomon totally calls me out on it to... "Great job yelling mommy...." Thanks Mr. WAY TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!!!!!!

I'm pretty transparent here, because it's my place to do that. I have been clear that I have to truly fight to be strong enough to NOT listen to "the lies" ...and well sometimes I am just not that strong. Today, I feel insecure. Insecure in friendships, as a mother, in my marriage...just inadequate.

This morning started off well. It was sunny and 73 degrees. I took these little beauties outside because, it is Pennsylvania, after all. When the sun is out, you better run out there, as it is likely to be gone in about 7 seconds. Just those few moments of staring at the sun gave me a lot of fuel for the rest of the day, err uhh, till bath time. ha.

The storm came though...it got dark and gloomy and windy. The thunder reminded me that when I couldn't see the darkness, it was still there. On top of really just fighting off the physical effects of the weather, it really is just about making the choice... Do I let the "rain" choke me? Do I listen to the "thunder" and let the fear overtake me?

The storms are going to keep rolling in. The kids are going to be annoying, and I might yell. I am going to see a whale when I look in the mirror sometimes. I am going to worry that my husband doesn't understand me. I am going to fear that I am not a good enough friend.... But where do I go? I can let the floods wash me away. I do sometimes. But I also could steadfastly stand out there, hands raised, knowing that He is who is, NO MATTER where I am, who I am, what I do.

So I finished up the evening with some hardcore batman play with Solomon...and let him know, that yelling, its not nice...and I pray that my life will show him what I need to be doing...

I will praise you in the storm...

Little Creation of Mine

2011-04-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

My little creations...who I love more than anything in the world...

I long to hear them say they love me. I need to know that they will listen to me when I speak to them. I want to know that they love to spend time with me....that they can't live without me.

But what if they didn't? What if they, with their actions, showed that I didn't exist to them? What if they spent weeks at a time ignoring me? What if they never told me that they loved me? What if, every time I told them to do something, they thought they knew better?

Right now, Solomon has been having serious separation anxiety. When I leave the room, he becomes hysterical. He follows me WHERE EVER I GO. He wants to sleep beside me. He wants to sit in the bathroom with me while I shower. He will not stay in his class at church. He CLINGS to me. He sobs when I am out of his sight. For several months now, I didn't know what to do. Why is he so desperate for my presence? Why does he need to be at my feet every second of the day? How come he panics when he cannot see me?

I have a creator...who undoubtedly loves me more than I can imagine. I wonder how He feels when with my actions, I deny His existence. I wonder how deeply I hurt Him when I spend weeks ignoring Him? I wonder the pain that I inflict on my Loving God by going so long without telling Him I love him. I wonder why he continues to pursue me when so many times, He gives me direction, but I do something completely opposite, because I think I know better.

What if I became like a child? Like my child? What if I became hysterical when I was not at the feet of my God? What if I slept beside Him? What if I didn't go anywhere outside of His presence? What if I sobbed when I stepped out of His sight? What if I clung to Him and panicked at the thought of being away from Him? Shouldn't this be where I am daily?

Truth be told, outside of His presence, I am lost. Outside of Him, I am a broken disaster. Outside of Him, I do not know kindness or love. Outside of Him, it is dark and empty...but I find myself there so often...drifting. Forgetting how much I need Him. Forgetting that clinging to Him is my only salvation...salvation, not because of anything that I can do, but a salvation that is ONLY Him. Saving me in my deepest darkest places. Giving me life that, without it, I could only know death.

This truth, this life, my Great Mighty Merciful Savior has given me freely. I am His.

So I shout out Your name, and from the rooftops I proclaim, that I am Yours. All that I am, I place into your loving hands, and I am Yours...

I am Yours.

**Photo Credit AmieBradyPhotography.com

Turns Out...I CAN Lean On Him...

2010-11-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

As much as I am really way too hard on myself, I also give myself more credit that I deserve.

In the past, I haven't gone to Will when I am feeling anxious. I haven't rested on him or allowed him to carry me when I cannot walk another step. But lately, I have really been trying to...and you know what? He is an awesome support. He loves me and he really has been such a strong source of support for me. I am so thankful to have him.

Yesterday I was having some serious anxiety about the day and the days to come and I just really let myself fall into him. He just sorta took me by the hand, helped me see the truth and the reality before me and it spoke very loudly to me. He really truely is so much more capable than I've ever given him credit for. I am so thankful that even though I have been pushing him away and closing myself off to him for such a long time, that he will still recieve me back with such loving open arms. He is my best friend. There is no one in the world that could have walked beside me the way he did yesterday. I am just beyond thankful that I have such an awesome, amazing, not to mention super hot husband.

**and um, it takes a pretty awesome husband to dress up like Derek and Meredith for Halloween. see above photo :)

Because I Finally Let Go...

2010-11-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

It has been a long, long road. It has been a hard, hard road. Most times, it has been a very lonely road. But for the time being, it is not uphill, it is not lonely.

Truthfully, it's humiliating to even talk about...but I know I am not alone in this, so I share, because others have shared with me. The raw vulnerability is part of who I am. And honestly, it takes too much energy to pretend...

I have been pressed from what felt like every side for a long time. I didn't even realize how pressed I was until the pressure let up a little. I was reaching out, begging, especially from Will, for help, but I don't think he understand the gravity of my situation either. And who could expect him to, if the one who felt all the pressure, all the pain, didn't understand it either.

My sadness, my loneliness, it ran deep. I felt like I didn't deserve to continue. I am horrible wife, an angry mother, and a worthless fat slob. Here I was a struggling newlywed (who had clearly seemed to skip out on the whole "honeymoon phase" because within 2 days of being married we were already threatening each other and second guessing our choices) who got pregnant 3 months after we got married, gained all kinds of weight, and then had to deal with the baby, while battling these out-of-control emotions, and while my husband was in 50 hours of school a week. Then, with 20 lbs of baby weight still on me, I did it all again. Here came the most difficult, impossible baby I had ever been around, a cross-country move and loneliness like I had never ever felt. I always feel like a failure in everything I do.

I hear this voice. You're ruining your children. You yelled at them again? You don't deserve them. Look at this man you married, boy was that the wrong choice. Can you believe he just did that? What a jerk! He doesn't care about you. You are never going to lose this weight, and if you do, you'll just gain it back. You're life is a mess...because YOU are not working hard enough. Your dad is sick and you are so far away...why did you move here? This was your idea. Look at all the money you are spending on things...does it help? Keep spending on worthless crap to find out.
It is ALL your fault...and you deserve it.

I know this may sound completely insane, but these were just "truths" that I knew to be true. These were just things that WERE my reality.

And then...a light, the teeniest speck of light, shown down on my life.

THEY. ARE. ALL. LIES.

From an enemy that seeks to destroy me.

An enemy that will never stop trying to destroy me.

An enemy who I do not HAVE to listen to.

I could breathe. This truth set a little part of my heart free.
(I was also helped by a host of natural supplements to help with this awful depression and I have to say, I am not sure I could have received this light without them.)

I had lost myself. I let go of the truth. I put my hand in the face of a God who wanted me to listen, all while clinging to Him, begging for Him to speak to me.

I have a LONG way to go. I struggle daily with my body image/weight issues. I feel overwhelmed by this weight that needs to come off. I want someone to shed some light on how to fix this for me. I'm still fighting to not freak out on my kids when they act like, yah know, kids. My husband can still annoy the crap out of me...

But...I know that God LOVES me, that He has promised to bring me home. He has promised to lead me and hold me and restore me. I have connected with my husband for the first time in our entire relationship and I finally KNOW that, even on our crappiest days, he is the RIGHT choice. He is wonderful and smart and caring. I have been taking moments with my children, laughing with them, enjoying them...for the first time in years.

The whispers, they are still there. But I am getting the full meaning of "taking every thought captive" and am trying to hard to hold that thought, before I let it pierce and potentially destroy my heart, and sift the truth from the lies. The lies, are no longer welcome.

The enemy, told me I had the power to save my life. I was responsible for the mess that was my life. It was me. All me. And I have been struggling for so long to save my own life...because after all, if I didn't who would???

Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it... and, let me tell you, in every possible way, I was moments away from losing my life.

But whoever loses his life....will save it.

Here I was, barely treading water. Drowning, desperate to save myself, my family, everything...

But the moment I let it go...He saved me. He covered my ears. He told me the truth.

He saved me...because I finally let go...

Prepare Yourself...and Don't Look Back.

2010-09-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

(Random pictures are just inserted so that I can prove I have these oh so big and beautiful kids!!!)

In the silence, my head spins...and spins and spins and spins. Actually, its spinning even in the noise.

I don't really know how to put my right now into words. A lot is going on with in (as usual) and I feel like more days than not, I don't know who I am anymore. I keep blaming it on some type of post pardum imbalance mixed with stress, loneliness, and being in a different state than everything I've known for my entire life...plus having 2 little kids and very little to do...its a lot. Little by little I try to sort through everything, figure out what I am missing...but the sorting continues and the piles just keep getting bigger and bigger.

Will and I, we try to "partner up" in parenting and marriage and household running, but we constantly seen to be missing each other...or taking out the stresses of life on one another. Bickering about the stupidest crap. I think I speak for both of us that instead of meeting in the middle to lean on one another, we are like butting heads and beating the crap (not literally haha) out of the other because it is just SUCH a stress reliever...I miss him when he is gone and I know he misses me...but the second we see eachother we just start picking on each other. It is not a good strategy by any means!! haha. WE have been trying to come together each night and at least have a few minutes of conversation, but its hard. By 8 pm when he gets home, Im tired and want to go to bed...and then when he doesn't work, sometimes we just get so caught up with the kids that he and I just fade to the background...sounds like a great plan huh? ha. We're working on it. Its hard for me to really turn my heart inside out to him in a lot of ways...I feel like its terribly hard for him to understand struggling with depression and anxiety and the intense case of "perfection-itis" that I have. He lets things roll off of him and holds him self at a very reasonable standard...where as I, who is clearly a little batty, have this outrageous unrealistic standards for myself and others, and its a HUGE reason why I feel to low a lot of the time. Knowing that I can't just lower my expectations is just a whole other guilty street that I drive down daily...I hate guilt land...it sucks here.

My kids...oh my kids. They, well, they are cute. haha. I see so much in the world that I want to give them and teach them and then again, driving down guilty street, well, I fall so short everyday. Recently the yelling and voice raising has apparently become my new hobby. Its ugly. I hate it. And I really hate when either they look scared or scream back at me. I was so much more calm with Solomon. Low calm tones...now Im like a freaking hyena!!!!

The leaves are changing here. I have a full blown panic attack here because I HATE WINTER. At least I think I do. Last winter was so horribly traumatic for me that I fear I wont live through another one. But with the season change comes MY SISTER!!!!!!!!! I actually leave in a few days to fly back to California alone and get here. We are driving back, with my mom...and then we are moving to a bigger house. woohoo/omg I can't believe we are moving AGAIN!!! The next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind...Im a little scared but I am soooo thankful that April is going to live here, with us...AND that we get more space in out house.

Im trying to figure out what happened to me. I know A LOT has changed in the last 2 years. My world has sorta been rocked. And I know that I have been so resistant to change, because, well, it hurts sometimes. Accepting what is is NOT fun. And I am struggling. Deeply. Since I stopped nursing, I have put on some of the weight that I worked my butt off to lose and I am so angry about that. I am not who I want to be, and I am angry about that. I have lost sight of the person I want to be...and I think that is where the problem may lie. Why did I lose sight? My focus was so steady at some point...until its not. Why does this happen? I keep wanting to "go back to a place" where I had it...but that is WRONG. And honestly, I am just figuring this out as I type it. I cannot go back. I cannot go back to living in Uganda and finding that spiritual fulfillment. I cannot go back to having tea every night with Sophie, Adam and Moses. I cannot go back to a time where I live in California surrounded in all my familiarness. I cannot go back to having the body of a woman who didn't have two children (dammit!!!). I have GOT to move forward...I HAVE TO.

On my dads birthday (the 16th), everything really just ruptured. It hurt so deeply that I couldn't breathe. The news we got was just earth shattering and Im having difficulty "staying positive" as they say. I couldn't sleep and I was up, just powering through the panic so I got on blogger and I tried...hard...to blog, but couldn't. So I read Angie's Blog

Live Simply or Simply Live (links have been disabled, sorry)

Saturday night we went to church and we were just so glad that we went. We are doing a Sermon On The Mount (The End Of Religion) study that has been extremely heart piercing and life changing. Saturday's study was titled "Hands Free" (which was very appropriate in many ways. Here in California, since July 1st, it is now illegal to use your cell phone while driving without a hands free devise, which is pretty much the most ridiculous law I have ever heard of BUT that is another blog entirely).

He talked about about money, living simply, taking care of those around us, not being so stressed out about tomorrow and living in today, knowing that the God of all is taking care of us. Of course I cannot do it justice, even in the least. So go and listen to it here.

It got Will and I thinking about a lot. We have so much. Now, the world might see us as living off of school loans, just being able to pay our bills most months, living in my mom's guest house, BUT WOW, we have SO much! Todd (one of the pastors at Rock Harbor) read an email about a really young couple who decided that they wanted to live on only 50-60% of their income, and find ways to give the rest away. It was really a challenging thing to think about, much less to even consider. How many of us could do that? Well, all of us really. It requires an immeasurable sacrifice, or so it seems from a normal middle class American. We are in the upper 5% of the richest people in the world. How's that for sobering...I really implore you to take 40 minutes and listen to this service. (and if you are one of those over-achievers, start fromt he beginning)

My life was completely changed after my first visit to Uganda in 1999. Flying over the continent of Africa in itself was just about the MOST sobering thing that I thought could ever happen to me...until the plane landed. I road in the back of a cattle lorrie for two and half hours atop my luggage and saw things I never imagined were real. I saw little children running, jumping, yelling "hello muzungu" (foreigner) just because they saw me. I remember seeing a little boy about 7 with his little baby brother/sister strapped to his back, no adult in sight for miles, carrying a heavy jerrycan full of water up a pretty steep incline on Bombo Road. I was 17 years old and I was really scared and lonely and I cried my self to sleep for about 6 nights. But then... I fell in love. I got out of myself, I got out of my brainwashed American mind, and I fell in love. I fell in love with simplicity, with joy in spite of pain, with tender souls who had been through/seen things that you and I can only imagine. Yet, despite it all, they had a joy, a light shining from within that I had never in my life seen before...and I wanted more...

I returned to Uganda in 2001 where I stayed from March until September. I assisted a nurse in the on site clinic at the orphanage that I worked with. I taught math for a primary 4 class at the school on site. It was a tremendous experience. I made life long friends. I felt God closer than I have ever felt Him before. I experienced things that, in a lifetime, I cannot adequately express to anyone. I truly thought I would go there and just really, you know, "help" people...ha...what do I have to give? I was given more that I have ever even understood...and I will never ever forget my time there. My life was simple. No electricity, no running water, no entertaining outside of little ones, and friends I had made there. We'd play cards, have tea and talk, go for a walk or a bike ride, and that was about it in ways of entertaining ourselves. Simplicity... It allowed for genuine relationships, with friends, with children, with God. Simplicity... I came home, not wearing make up, not buying all kinds of unnecessary things, just, being simple... and then I slowly forgot all about it...

I went back a third time, where I also got to visit the war torn and slowly recovering Rwanda. I got to visit Sudanese refugee camps, and again, I was back in my Uganda. My heart skipped several beats as the plane landed. I stepped out on the stair case pushed up to the plane, I tipped my face toward the sun, tears streaming down my cheeks and I breathed in a breath of that Ugandan air that I had ached for for over a year... "Oh Uganda", I swore to myself, "I will never forget your simple beauty, this time, I will truly take you home with me, forever..."

(please stay with me...there is a point)

Today, I cleaned out (for about the forth time this year) Solomon's toys. I weeded through all the madness. Will and I always promised (before we had ever had children...I was pregnant) that Solomon would have one medium sized basket of toys...and if it didn't fit inside the basket, we didn't need it...well that didn't happen. I filled up another huge garbage bag of things that he has acquired over the last month or two since I last did this...just of things that he doesn't need. Oh gosh... I cried. I just got so sad. We have so much, too much, Solomon probably has 30 shirts...WHY? Why do I have that many shirts? Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?

I forgot you, Uganda...I forgot you, simplicity. I forgot all about you. In wanting to give my husband and my son "the life" I forgot all about the true and lasting joy that IS simplicity. I lost sight of what is most important...

I have a friend, Sennyonjo, and his wife and three little sons, who work to care for orphans. Sennyonjo, an orphan himself, watched his family be killed by rebels in the genocide of the 90's. He has three kids who probably have very few toys. I have a friend April who is Canadian. Her and her husband live in Uganda ministering to broken people. They have three little ones, who do not have a lot. I know many people like this. Happy children, happy people, living with very little. I talked to April today via email and she said they would be SO happy to receive some DVD's for her and her husband, and the kids, and toys or whatever fun treats we wanted to send their way. I am going to do a good bit of this...hoping that I can cut our family's belongings in half, while giving to people around us who need it.

The city of Lira is in Uganda...kind of northern/central-ish. A new city official was elected not too long ago. He had this great vision for this desolate, abandoned, broken, war torn village...so, yes, he had this huge vision for this place. In three years...he wanted every person to...are you ready...?

To own 2 shirts...

How do I go about my day, living in this sad, over consuming world? In my heart, I would sell everything I have, cars, clothes, everything...to take my family and go back to Uganda... Unfortunately, that isn't where God has us, as a family, now. My ministry is my husband, my son, the people around me, here, now.

I am working hard at being content here. But because of this entire study I am learning how to live out what is in my heart, even if buried deep down, here, now, with what I have been given.

Our new goals, as a family, is to really get ride of many many many things. We want to start giving ourselves away more. We want to do more for the people in our lives who need things more than we do. It's a start...and tiny tiny tiny start...but it is a start...to living simply.

I Have So Much To Say

2010-08-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

but I can only say this.

Shiloh has weaned. I am sad. I am, like with Solomon, not ready. Just another bruise on my pretty battered heart...
:(

Pleading For Daisy Love

2010-07-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

Britt Merrick is a pastor in Southern California. Many of his amazing God inspired words of encouragement were given to me at a time in my life where I needed it. He and his wife Kate are going through something that I truly cannot imagine right now and you can read their story at PRAY FOR DAISY LOVE

I cannot understand the loss of a child. I cannot understand how you can even get out of bed. I know there are so many people who experience this kind of loss and my heart breaks at the thought alone. I also cannot imagine what it is like to experience the kind of news, watch your child go through the kind of pain that Daisy is going through, knowing that as a parent, you can no longer protect her from anything. It has to be the most awful kind of hurt...and I cannot imagine enduring it. I am asking, begging, for prayers for sweet Daisy, her big brother and her parents, Britt and Kate. May God be everything they need right now as they cling to Him in the desperate time.

As people of this earth, I think we sometimes get choked by the things around us. I can speak personally that my self pity and self absorption can at times almost overtake me. Knowing that people all around us, all around the world are suffering on a level that I have never had to come close to knowing (and God forbid never will have to) is sobering, convicting and just is such an example to where we as humans can be in the midst of our deepest sorrows.

May all involved in this trying time cling to Him alone...

My Heart Is On You

2010-07-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

I was laying in bed with Solomon and slipped my arm under him and wrapped the other arm around the top of him. He squirmed out of my arms and said "Mommy, I just don't want to be touched when Im sleeping."

I sighed and said, "ok."

"Whats wrong mommy?"

"Oh nothings wrong." I got a little teary eyed. "Its just hard for a mommy sometimes when their babies get bigger and its a little sad to know that some day, they wont need thier mommies as much any more."

"But mommy. I will still love you. My heart will always be on you."

My heart is more than full.

Uprooted and Four

2010-06-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

Who ever said "Home is where the heart is" is a big fat liar.

18 months ago, Will, Solomon and an in utero version of Shiloh and I moved from sunny Southern California to Western Pennsylvania. I was excited. We were all excited (mixed with EXTREME sadness) for what we thought would be a new and exciting adventure...

It didn't quite turn out that way. The family that we thought would be elated to bond with our children and support us emotionally, definately doesn't seem to have time or room for us. Its hard...on all of us. Solomon was very used to grandparents who visited him, took him places, spent time with him, on an almost daily basis. He has aunts uncles and "cousins" who he saw all of the time, who couldn't get enough of him. Will and I thought, that amoung other reasons (like the awesome dirt cheap living expenses) that we "owed" it to his family to be near them so that they could adore our kdis the way they deserve. Now maybe our expectations were too high or unrealistic, but they are definately not knocking down the door to see us. And honestly, after what we have gone through, disappointment after disappointment, getting thrown under the buss for what feels like 1000 times...its ok. We have (ok Will has, Im still working on it) made our peace with that...We have found a wealth of support in a small handfull of friends who are more supportive than we could ever have asked for.

What makes it hard is going back to California for visits, and seeing what we are missing...and then coming home to this hole and void that cannot be filled by dear sweet Pennsylvania. There are so many things that we love here. The season changes (apart fromt hat awful one that brings all that white crap that forces you to stay in the house for like 5 months straight...ugh winter!) the beautiful greenery, the way the air smells, thunder storms, and just nature in general...But when we got home to California, its just different. Everyone is swarming around to see us. There isn't enough time to even fit everyone in, which is just so flattering and amazing, that I nearly burst just thinking about it. There is so much love there...and nothing can compare to that. My kids were in heaven. Disneyland, the beach (did I mention heaven??), family, friends, sunshine and love...doesn't get much better than that. I just walked around Disneyland rememebring going every week, pushing Solomon in his stroller. I watched my kids just LOVE their time there and I imagined it being a time where I could live that life again. The beach became a magical place that I can't ever remember it feeling like. Both of the kids seriously just wallowed in the water, cracking up when the waves were crashing on them. They literally rolled around in the sand for hours...oh how I miss it.

It was so great to just hang out with old friends who have been apart of you for more than half of your life (woah...am I old or what???). You don't have to be anyone or entertain...you just sit, and be. That is a good feeling.

And family...oh family. You are weird and coockoo, and often annoying and embarassing...and there are times where I probabaly almost hate some of you ;) but being near you was so completing...Will and I feel like we "belong" somewhere when we are with them. Its painful to feel so out of place for so long...and its breaking my heart that my kids are missing out on so much...they deserve to have nearby what they have in California.

I am really working hard and digging deep...trying to "bloom where I am planted" but until now, I don't think I actually realized just how deeply rooted I was. I feel like someone ripped me out of the ground, and my foundation, my roots, are still on the other side of the country. I don't know how to right that. I don't know if it is intentional. All I know is that I am sad. We are sad. Its nothing that any one thing, or any everything could change...its just that there is a California shaped hole in our hearts and I'm pretty certian that it cannot be patched up. My heart hurts...and Im genuinely looking for any words of support/advise that you are willing to offer...

In other much more spectacular news...Solomon is FOUR years old today...The most beautiful four year old I know. I love him with my entire heart!!!!

Birth Day

One Wonderful Year

Two Wild Years

Three Incredible Years

Four Unbelievable Years.

Peek.

2010-06-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

So Amie is a dear friend of mine and I have to say, I am SO lucky to have such great photographer friends...she did a shoot for us and I am SO pleased with them!!! Wow...here are a few...and these aren't even all of my top pics...waiting to get my hands on the rest :) Love you Amie!!!!

Grace

2010-05-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I have ever let such a blog lull happen, but woah did it ever happen.

The sleeplessness that I have been experiencing has truely altered me in ways I never thought possible. I am not me any more. I don't feel like me. I have a hard time remember me. its a frightening place to be. I have these thoughts about my family that make me feel so guilty. I long for sleep all day long but as the evening rolls around I start having anxiety because I know that night time has not meant sleep time for me in months. The lack of sleep is taking a toll on my marriage, my mothering, my friendships and clearly, my heart and soul in general.

Will and I have been bickering constantly lately. We both hate it. I would say that my miserable hopeless attitude contributes a lot to the bickering...but there are just those things, you know, be honest, that you have been fighting about since that very frist day of wedded bliss. (ok maybe there are some freaks out there who don't know what I'm talking about, but whatever, you have issues! ;)) Its like all the things that Will and I both complain about in the other are just this ugly cycle of crap and follows us around in cirlces. Its hideous. I didn't realize how much we were doing this ugly dance in front of our kids until, when my sister was out, she said "You guys give me anxiety and make my stomach hurt...quit it!" I cried. My poor kids. This isn't the life I want for myself. it certianly isn't the life that I want for my hard working husband and it certianly isn't the life that I want for my sweet babies. Our issues are fairly simple. So we are going to hire someone to letus fight in front of them :) haha. And help us work on the things that we seem to be constantly butting heads over. At the end of the day, I would never want to spend a day without Will...but that doesn't mean we are headed down a road that might drive the other away. So we are working on it. And I am excited. I had a friend sorta kindly "rip me a new one" the other day...and try to snap me out of my funkfest. It helped me at least try and understand (yet again) that I only have the power to change me. Yes I can bitch and moan until the cows come home that the stinking peanut butter is smeared all of the counter every morning, or that the freaking toilet seat is peed on, or that the garbage is overflowing and I have to take it out again, but I am a woman who has a husband who has worked very hard to get where he is. He is working hard to allow me to stay home with this monsters err uh lovely children, and I am thankful...so I need to put a sock in it when it doesn't matter so that when it does matter, I am taken seriously. Can anyone relate??? Or you all just have perfect marriages where you spoon and make out all day??

My children, oh my children. Dear Shiloh is still the thorn in my side and the apple of my eye all at once. Her keeping me up all night long for 7 months and when she's awake, following me around crying when I'm not holding her has taken a toll on my ability to bond with her. I would give my right arm, and maybe some stomach rolls, thigh blubber and a double chin, for that little sweet ball of love, but it is hard to feel happy about seeing her 24/7 when, because we are up all the time, I never get a break from her. There is a lot that I resent about my situation. It upsets Solomon that I either have to be attached to Shiloh or we have to listen to her scream. It takes any one on one time away from him, which is terribly unfair, and makes me even more annoyed with Shiloh. Plus, my patience is so thin that I also snap and explode all over Solomon when his actions rarely deserve that...ok maybe when he flushed his underwear down the toilet he deserved it, but like I said, rarely. I LONG to be that great mother who makes bread and homeschools and works all day to educate and love and grow beautiful giving compassionate little hippy children...I feel so far from that. But, I have been trying to give myself a little grace, because these sleeping circumstances cannot last forever (and if you ahve a 10 year old who doesn't sleep, keep your mouth shut! I cannot hear that right now!!!) and until I can resume some sort of normalcy, I am trying my best and that has got to be enough right now.

Solomon is still going through that vile, gross stage. I seriously cannot even type out some of the sickening things he has done. I try to just ignore them but some times I am so grossed out that I freak out on him and tell him that if he eats one more booger, his stomach is goign to explode or if he asks to smell my butt again, his nose is going to catch fire!!! I don't know what else to do, other than hope that someday, my son will find a wife who can look past his grossness haha.

Shiloh is walking and babbling and signing away. I am proud of her. She is still SO tiny. If she were 20 lbs I would be amazed. She loves to put random things inside of other larger random things, stack and do other very tedious things. She is so the opposite of Solomon and its amazing to me every day that I am raising such different children. Shiloh lives for being in my lap and alwaays comes over for cuddles and that is something that Solomon never ever did. She is a bubbly little thing when she gets her way and when she doesn't, well world, look out! I love her. I am working hard on getting rid of my resentment toward the situation...grace. Im holding onto grace.

Having my sister out here for 2 weeks was awesome. She is a gem. I am lost without her. I miss having family here. My in laws are not very involved (AT ALL!!!) Shiloh is the only grand daughter/niece and her grandma showed up an hour late and her grandpa came 2 hours late for 4 minutes. Her aunt didn't come. One of her uncles came 1.5 hours late. I know she doesn't know what that even means, but to me, it is hurtful. Especially when my parents were texting me saying they were near tears that they couldn't be here. I'm just so glad that my sister was here to help and celebrate with us. We actually get to go to California for Solomons birthday so he will get to be with all the people he loves and misses for his birthday, which he deserves. I don't even know how to touch on the sadness that I feel, all of the feelings of being so let down by Will's family...so I wont even touch on it further.

Ok, time for some good news!!!

My sister decided that we needed to exhaust every avenue to try and get SHiloh to sleep. Since I had done everything I knew, she decided to MAKE me move Shilohs crib into Solomons room and move him into our room. WE have thought about this forever but just never did, because I am up with her so much that walking to another room seemed like more than I could take. But...so far, every night has been better and better. Last night, being the best night, she went to bed at 7. Woke up at 2 and had pooped, and then slepted until 6:20. I am getting excited...trying not to get my hopes up but its been a week and so far every night has been an improvement...so...heres to sleep!

Othere good news, Will was on the news AGAIN! This segment has really got SOOO many patients...its amazing. Watch it!! He is so cute!

blog more, but if not...the theme...grace...I am learning to give myself grace.

Love And War

2010-05-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

So I am really looking foward to starting up Bible Study in Septemeber with my bible study girls.

We are doing the book Love and War by John and Stasi Eldridge. I picked this book up at the local bookstore and 2 pages in, I was blubbering right in the middle of the book aisle. It is about marriage...and I highly recommend it...go buy it. And let me know what you think of it.

Busy Beezzzzzzzzz

2010-04-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

My mom is here for 10 days so we are keeping busy with her...

Yesterday for Easter, my mom forced me to allow Shiloh to wear one of those horrible Easter dresses that you likely wore...you know, 20+ years ago...omg! The poor child looked like a garden puked on her!!! haha Here are a few little photos of her.

More photos to come.

Walkin' All Over Me

2010-03-31T06:26:00.000-07:00

As usual, Shiloh own me...she is still having sleep issues. Every two weeks or so she will give mea night where she only wakes up twice. But usually it is 4 times or more. So yeah...not only does she walk all over me...

BUT....

She is walking all over the house :D!!!! So proud of her. Its not technically all over the house, but she is taking 4-6 steps at a time and because she is so stinking tiny its super cute. She also can climb all the way up stairs in about 15 seconds...pretty impressive!

She's a CD addict...like me.

This definately sums up thier relationship haha

On another note, Solomon has been super sensitive lately. He used to be the bravest kid ever...like, would get seriously hurt and wouldn't flinch and he just never cried abotu anything. Now, the slightest bumps and he is like falling apart and needs super long cuddles. Poor thing. He is really been longing for more and more attention...Also, his elbow pooped out of the socket AGAIN!!! Thats three times now. I popped it back in though so thats good, no trips to the ER.

I have been getting ride of abuot 50% of our belonings. Its been SO time consuming and SUCH a process but omg, I am feeling SOOOO great. As of tomorrow afternoon, this house will be spankin' spotless!!! :)

Welcome Spring

2010-03-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

If you remember THIS post here is the 2010 version of Spring birds nests...2 years later. My how things have changed.

I Love Them!

2010-03-26T10:58:00.001-07:00

Uh, What Is This?

2010-03-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

Solomon is in the most vile boy stage ever. Everything is "poop" and "butthole" related. He eats boogers and is constantly sloshing spit around in his mouth!!! He says he penis makes noise and burps?!?!?! GROSS!!! Today, I found a cup in the toilet. WHo knows how on earth he snuck it up there or how much pee he drank!!!

Well, I walked into my room and on my dark purple bedspread there is this fresh puddle of spit.

"Solomon...come here please."

"Yeah Mommy?"

"Uh, what is this?"

"Will you be mad Mommy?"

"Solomon I will be happy if you tell me the truth."

"Weeeellllllll...Shiloh climbed up on the bed, pooped there, and then climed down."

Shiloh, who cannot climb on anything, does not know how to remove her clothing, poop on my bed, dress herself and then climb down.

"Solomon, what really happened?"

"I spit on your bed."

NOOOOO REALLY????????????????

In Case You Are Wondering Where I've Been...

2010-03-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've gone crazy...and here is Shiloh doing a perfect impression of me...freaking out, while trying to take care of my children.

In case you think I'm kidding...I'm not. Sanity may or may not be heading back my way...but I'm not sure.

Why Do I Love You Like This?

2010-03-05T06:23:00.000-08:00

Dada and Bruh-Bruh

2010-03-03T16:05:00.001-08:00

Shiloh has kind of abandoned calling me mama and takes every opportunity to talk to dada now.

Thanks little one!

She is calling Solomon bruh-bruh which is one of the most secial things ever...

Zerona Lipo Laser and MY HUSBAND ON THE NEWS!!! :)

2010-02-25T15:52:00.001-08:00

WATCH THIS!!!!!!!

Wildly Longing...

2010-02-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

I can close my eyes at almost anytime...and I am there.

I take a deep breath. I smell it. I walk carefully on wet, slippery, red earth. Banana trees everywhere I look. I hear the noise of kids running, playing, laughing. I see those beautiful white teeth shining out from beautiful dark faces, some full of hope, some full of fear and anger. I hear night noises, loud symphonies carrying on despite the darkness. Rain pours down on my tin roof. Laughing until it hurt with Adam, Moses and Sophie every day. Adventure in every moment.

My life of simplicity. Void of the greatest "necessities" electricity, running water, a toilet inside the house. I miss the silly things like filling up a plastic basin to bathe in and not even dreaming of blow drying my hair or putting make up on. Lighting matches, candles lanterns to see. No distractions to take up my time. Learning how to love in an unimaginable way.

Oh, the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.

That is something I no longer feel. Its a place that I long for. Not even so much physically but spiritually. It is a place that I have never found here. I look for it. But I get so angry that I cannot quench this longing...to be back there, back in that fullness, that love, that confidence. Why doesn't God let this fire die out? It seems so unfair. I struggle with so much anger towards Him. I cannot go back...so why are these flames still raging??

I long to go back there. I cannot explain the way I have felt each time I stepped off that plane in Entebbe, Uganda. My heart screamed, "I am home!!" Its the only thing in my life I have ever done where I undeniably knew GOD TOLD ME TO GO HERE. The idea, so much NOT mine, that it was ONLY His.

I remember returning to the States feeling like such an outsider. It was an impossible feeling to deal with. I truly felt like God left me...and if I am being honest, there is such a short period of time where I have felt connected with Him since then, that its hard not to say I haven’t felt Him or heard Him at all in these past years.

There is goodness, greatness in my life now. I have a husband who I know God hand picked and delivered for/to me. I have the most lovely children, that I have dreamed of my whole life...but I am lost. I search for Him, wanting to find Him in the way I found Him there. I cannot. The guilt I have over our seemingly failed relationship must only fall on me...but this dessert is dry and it is wearing me down.

And the emptiness remains. I cannot bring myself to believe that it is there for a reason. I simply try and daily find the God I feel abandoned me on an airplane many years ago.

Oh, how I miss the fullness of wildly loving a God who I knew beyond all else, was wild about me.

Twenty Eight

2010-02-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning. Shiloh wakes from her nap. I walk up the stairs to get her. Will and Solomon are both napping in Solomons room. I get Shiloh and down the stairs we go. I see my neighbors car running and her car lights on. "Oh she must me leaving...boy her drive way is full is snow! Poor thing." I start to take Shiloh into the kitchen because I am going to feed her some lunch, but then I remember that I didn't change her diaper. I walk back into the living room and start to set up the changing pad.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!

"I wonder why Lisa is knocking to borrow our snow shovel" I think.

I plop Shiloh back on my hip and open the door.

A man is standing there with a pot of tupils right in front of his face.

"huh?"

All of a sudden, someone pops out from behind my car and SCREAMS "surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

OH. MY. GOSH!

It is my sister, April. The man behind the tupils is my dad!!! And his girlfrined Cherl is behind my sister.

I bawl my eyes out, scream, freak out in every possible way!!!!

Best birthday present ever. Happy Birthday to me...

She Speaks

2010-02-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

Shiloh, standing in from of my dads photo saying "papa"

Shiloh says:
All Done
Hi
Mama
Papa

Still no dada yet...but Will is working on it :)

Sleepless (and slightly crazy) In Snowmageddon

2010-02-11T08:25:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks have been two of the most trying weeks of my (and Im sure I can add Will into this too) life. I have blogged and blogged about Shilohs sleeping issues. At five months, all hell broke loose and things have been getting worse and worse for the last four months. She goes to sleep easily, but staying asleep, a whole other story. Some nights I can nurse her right back to sleep, other nights, I am up for 3 hours. I dare you to give me advise that I haven't tried. Earlier bed time, later bed time, take a nap away, bed time routine, bath, lavendar massage, let her cry for 1 min- go in and comfort and then double the time each time you leave, let her cry it out for up to an hour (I even did up to 90 minutes one night, while hysterically crying outsdie the door bc I hate the cry it out method. she never ever calmed down, not even a little) hold her, rock her, walk/jostle/sing routine, seriously...EVERYTHING. Its really hard. And you know what? I never imagined that such prolonged sleeplessness would start to alter your state of mind, but oh how it has. Her not sleeping also stirs up this anger in me. Do you know it? The sleeplessnes in combination with the anger just gives me these horrible thoughts, resenting my own child, which then adds terrible guilt to the equation. How can a mother who loves her baby so much resent her own child at times???

She has had a cold. Which, mothers know, means sleep issues x100!!! After 2 nights of her sleeping an accumulated total of maybe two hours, I had completely lost my mind. I cried for an entire day. I was trying to hard to reconnect with her during the day, but the night had been so horrible that I seriously had to prepare myself to even hold her because I was so upset about it. I sort of just shut down. Thank God Will was home!!! That day, she ended up with a fever and her cold, which was improving, got worse. Runny nose, hacking cough, just total misery. She took one nap that day, which is unusual. Then bedtime...oh bedtime. I was up the entire night again. I kid you not, if I so much as bent my knees, not to mention stopped walking/jostling her, she screamed. I did that for four hours straight. My body ached from holding her to the point that I thought I might hurl...I finally had to wake Will up at 5am. I went to bed for 2 hours and when I woke up, Shiloh was napping. She got up and was miserable (clearly quite sick) I wore her in the sling and had to pace the house/jostle her all day in order to keep her from screaming. She feel asleep for a few minues a few different times in the sling but other than that, there was no sitting, no napping at all on Monday.

Will and I were at the end of our rope. Something was wrong. Our kids have never been to a sick dr visit but Shiloh had her first one on Monday evening. I told the dr (thankfully a D.O.) that I didn't want ANY antibiotic unless she was absolutely certian it was necessary. Ear unfections are such a popular (and mostly false) diagnosis, most of which heal on their own, that I told her to please let us ride it out if she thoguht it were possible. Shiloh had a 102.7 fever so the body was clearly working on something but when the dr peeked into her ears she said, "Woah! This is a bad, full blown ear infection...and lets see the otherside...yeah, wow, same thing." My kids have never been on an antibiotic so I was realy nervous. I have a lot of antibiotic allergies (probably caused from being on them constatntly as a child) plus all the harsh side affects...it was all just hard to take. I got the antibiotic and more motrin and added tylenol (because it seemed like the the motrin was barely touching her pain) and headed home. I drugged her up, which just kills me. Solomon has taken a fever reducer maybe 3 times in his whole life, and that boy is known to have 104 fevers for no reason at all...but Shiloh is nine months old and has finished an entire bottle of motrin!!! Oh I cringe at the thought of it!!! Her poor liver/kidneys!!! Anyway, at 930pm, she went to sleep, laying down!!!! In her bed!!!! Which hadn't happened in days! She woke up at 130 and had a nurse and more tylenol/motrin piggy backing. Then...she slept...and she slept and she slept!!!!! At 9 am I finally had to wake her up because I was so engorged and was leaking all over the place. The next night was similar. Thank you God...just that she is sleeping and feeling better. And that I got to sleep for more than 2 hours!!! :)

Last night was a rough one again, but I tried skipping the pain meds. Perhaps a mistake? At 3am, when we had been up for 2 hours, I gave her a little more motrin and she slept till 530, had a nurse and went back to sleep until 8. Perhaps she is still in a little pain.

This whole thing has been difficult for so many reasons. There are so few people who get how awful this is because of lack of experience. It feels really lonely sometimes. Plus, I was really feeling so bad that Will had to get up and go to work, that I was taking it all on myself, trying to not wake him (I was making him sleep in with Solomon so that he wouldn't have to be awake all night) unless I was considering screaming at Shiloh, or worse!!! I came to the conclusion that we both have to work the next day and I NEED him. So he was happy to come back in and help, as a team. Also, I was really really hurt...you see, every night, I literally CRY out to God...begging for Him to let me sleep, let Shiloh sleep...to help us all sleep...and every morning I feel like He compltely ignored me. It crushed me everday. I started to get really angry with Him. "How you could NOT care God? I'm dying here!!" Then...I decided to start praying for something different..."Lord, help me have the strength to get through whatever the night holds...." and then, He WAS there. He helped me through each night, as long as I tapped into His strength.

It has been/is a process. A long, hard, sad, upsetting, exhausting, terrible process. But I am surviving. And that is the most important part.

To top it all off, the weather has had us completely trapped in the house. We have had like 4 feet of snow over the last week and it is still coming down. We are trapped in the driveway and Will and I have been shoveling and shoveling. It is a mess out there!!! Grocery stores were completely out of milk, as in THE ENTIRE STORE HAD NO MILK!!!! What the heck!!!

Right as the storm started

Two Hours Later

The Next Morning

We are surviving, God is with us, and for that, we are So thankful. I know this is a really really depressing post, but for me, there is so much victory ...hope that makes sense.

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

2010-02-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

Part of Project-Amber-Trust-Yourself...
So I have all this paranoia that I am doing the wrong thing but waking with Shiloh and letting her nurse when she wants to nurse or cuddling/rocking her when she wants it. I am SO glad that I re-came across THIS article...whew...makes me feel SO much better.

Lately...

2010-02-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

Its been an interesting week for me. I have been up to some things...just little things.

Like...

I got this new purse.

I made my friend Jeana some cupcakes for her birthday bash at Chipotle.

Was given this magazine page by Candice because this pretty much sums Shiloh up...

I fed Shiloh peas

Then fed her her toes...

Watched this grump fuss all over me!

Hypnotized my kids with Barney.

Did some February prep...

Also, I got really overwhelemed (again) at the thought of homeschooling. I tried to share it with Will and since he didn't seem to get it, we had a ~~MASSIVE BLOWOUT~~ tiff. ;) I am so scared that I am doing the wrong thing as a parent. I am so scared that I am ruining Solomon and Shiloh. I worry so much about this. Sometimes I do feel so alone because it is hard to find the "you're doing a great job" feeling inside of me. I feel like if I had the right discipline techniques, Solomon would stop saying things like "stupid" and "shut up." Or if I was "tough eoung" I would let Shiloh cry herself to sleep every night until she slept alone, through the night. I second guess everything I do and I just wish I would trust myself. In my heart, I feel like I KNOW what my kids need, but with so many different people around, I always let thier opinions or ways of doing things cloud my view. I'm trying really hard to just trust my heart, because I know that I have wonderful, attached children, who are so connected with us, other people, and thier own emotions and hearts, and so maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right. I am trying with my whole heart and I just really want to have the right perspective and attitude.

Speaking of perspective, Kara Noel at Eli's Lids wrote THIS and wow...it is powerful. Its a really short, wonderful read. I cried (shocker right? ;))

Solomon's World

2010-02-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

We got to go to this awesome mini neighborhood. Solomon was in heaven. There was a TV station, a coffee shop, a grocery store, a fire station, a hospital, a mechanic shop, a train station and a massive playset...all indoors. Solomon has never had so much fun. Everything was just his size and there was SO much to play with. We had a great time, with great friends. This place is actually right by Wills work, which is an hour drive. It was so much fun. We cannot wait to do it again...probably will head out there in April when my mom comes to visit. Once again, I forgot my camera and was wearing Shiloh so the pictures are all kinda crappy.

Homeschooling

2010-01-31T07:52:00.000-08:00

Check out a great giveaway at The Tie That Binds Us

Just A Peek

2010-01-31T06:20:00.000-08:00

Meet Reginold. The camel. April got this for him way back in 2007 from Israel. Suddenly, he is obsessed with it. Reginold is the new bff.

Here is Solomon stealing his sisters purse.

And stealing a hug.

Little Buddy had some issues so we had to send him back to his creator for some repairing. :( Hurry back little buddy...we miss you!!!

Solomon has a camel...and I have a Koala. I wear her non-stop. She likes to get down and play for a while but then, she likes me to put the sling on and wear her while I do pretty much everything, including pee.

Will and I FINALLY got new uggs. We now live somewhere that actually requires warm boots unlike in Southern California where we just wore them because we were cool. Now they are cool, and funtional (but lets all be honest...we just got them because we're cool haha)

Jillian and Solomon in their obnixious hummers at toys'r'us. Can't they have these things in a Pruis????

Don't let him fool you! He is trouble!

Laughing and Learning

2010-01-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

Candice gave Shiloh this kitchen for Christmas and she is obsessed with it. It is the best gift ever. She sits there forever and plays with it. It is so so sweet!

The Piano is something we had from when Solomon was teeny. She loves this too. I'd say she is a Laugh and Learn baby. I wonder what other free Laugh and Learn things we can get her?!?!

Toe Update

2010-01-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

Day after nail surgery

Healing up nicely.

A Daddy and His Babies...

2010-01-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

I was laying in bed two nights ago,next to Will (duh!) and I said this, "You know, when I tell you I wish I wasn't married to you, I mean it!! (hahaha) In those crazy heated moments. BUT the truth is, I am so happy that I found my best friend. We get to be married for as long as God gives us...its going to be fun, the rest of our lives..." He is such a great dad. I love watching my children love their dad so very much.

My slender husband was going to take Solomon out in the 3 feet of snow at his parents house. They live in many acres of land and it's up a hill so they get more snow than we do. Will bundled up in the biggest baggiest, most ridiculous snow clothes I have ever seen. It was hilarious. I could not stop laughing...oh...but it gets better...

This one is my favorite. Will's dad was hunting for deer to murder :( in the woods and to prevent Will from getting mistake for the poor helpless deer (although they were no where near the hunting grounds), he wore this awesome orange tree branch vest. Definately the key piece to this outfit.

Love

Giveaway...

2010-01-27T16:39:00.001-08:00

Another good giveaway... CLICK HERE!

Zoo Zoo Zoo

2010-01-27T09:34:00.000-08:00

Solomon has been asking to go to the zoo lately. The weather has been so awful that we haven't been able to. (Plus it was closed). So finally last weekend. We got some sunshine and some none-freezing temperature so we headed. Our photos tell the story...

(Note: We spent 99% of the trip inside the aquarium. If you cannot tell by the awe struck look on Solomons face, he is IN LOVE with sharks and divers. When that diver waved to him, I thought he was going to apss out!!! he was soooo excited!!!And all the phtos were taken with my cell phone so sorry if some are blurry.)

My Growing Baby Boy

2010-01-27T05:57:00.000-08:00

Solomon has been up to A LOT lately. And I mean, A LOT. More has changed with him than anyone else in the family. He loves his sister, and by loves, I mean, he loves to knock/poke/bonk her on the head, non stop. He does it for no reason. It started as a defense tactic when she would get to close to his gagets. Now he just does it. He has this shark with sharp fins and he was jamming her in the head with it the other day, I was on the phone, and out of my mouth came words that you just never think you will say, "QUIT poking your sister in the head with that shark!!!" haha. She rarely ever cries when he executes his madness, but it makes me upset. Its just so unkind. He does truly love her though. He still asks to hold her, even though, its practically impossible these days. When she gets upset, he also gets up set and says funny things like "I do NOT like my baby anymore!!!!" Below is them loving eachother...a rare and lovely moment.

I finally cut Solomon's would-be mullet!!! It was getting out of control. I cut the bottom half of it and he then he put his hand down on the towel he was sitting on that was covered in hair, and quickly rubbed his face which of course, que meldown because of hair-fest, stopped the cut abruptly. But it doesn't look bad, and I, of course have yet to finish it. He is so handsome, I can hardly stand it.

Solomon has found some of THE greatest friends. He LOVES them. I think sometimes they are a little freaked out at his intensity, BUT, they are the kindest, (literally these boys are practically perfect, I don't think their mom -who is also a wonderful friend to me, Jeana- has ever had to even look at them funny in our presence...and I can't say the same for Solomon haha) most wodnerful little friends for Solomon. When they come over, they play this funny game, Campout, where they go in Solomon's closet with flashlights, pillows and a toy shaving kit...not too sure whats done in there, but it is HOURS of fun!!! Below is the box that provided hours of fun for our kids as well...who'da though??

This face (below) petty much sums up my child. haha. He is just the nuttiest, most quirky, dramatic, amazing little boy around. His little attitude is still off the charts. The newest thing is, when he gets really fired up, he spouts off a line of toddler swear words, that make no sense at all, but apparently just make him feel better???? "AHHHHHH, STUPID, SHUT UP, IDIOT, KILL!!!!" hahaha. Don't get it, and it makes it really hard to correct when it is so funny. Now, also, when he has to go to timeout, he has been sitting there, head down and shaking slowly back and forth, saying "I am so foolish!" Thanks Jonah Veggietales.

I might add, this police outfit, he didn't take it off for two weeks. I changed the clothes underneath, but he wore it everyday, all day, even to school and to bed, for a VERY long time. Im SO sad to say that the poice hat, which was the key feature, has disappeared. Its been hard, but we are coping.

We got to share a specail Solomon date, with just Will, Solomon and myself. We took him to see Sesame Street Live and it was ~~REALLY boring~~ a lot of fun. ;) It was at 7pm so that kinda sucked, since Solomon is usually in bed at 7. He really enjoyed the show, but the second it was over, freakout time. He was SO tired he could hardly take it. The good thing? He is still talking about it, and he really got the show. I was impressed (with him). It was super nice to have some alone time with him where he was the star. I miss that. Sweet Candice, the only one who can stay with Shiloh, came over and did a champs job of putting her to sleep. It was a miracle that she performed, I must say. She is the ONLY one that we have here that can do that, because at the sight of everyone else, Shiloh freaks out.

(Last police hat sighting) :(

We made this calendar for the laundry room door because well, long story, but Solomon's last day of preschool is tomorrow. We have been debating the decision for some time now. The home schooling thing has been weighing on us. Wills new works schedule that has him rarely seeing Solomon has been weighing on us (Will works 12 hours mon-wed-fri and is home tue-thur morning, when Sol is at school, so if he were home, that would give him and Will more time together). It takes 20 minutes one way to take/pick him up. And it would be nice to save a little money each month too. Then, we had a situation with his teacher that made the decision on the spot for me. I was waiting outside of Solomon class for my friend Amie to come and drop off her little boy. I'm standing there and I hear his teacher (who did not know I was outside) say, "You know what Solomon, you've been here what? FIVE MINUES?!?! I do not like the way you are playing. Two year old dump things on the floor, three year olds DON'T!! PICK IT UP!!!!" Solomon says in the most timid voice "Ok, thank you for giving me a job to do." And the other, kind teacher (who knew I was standing right out side) said "AW that was a sweet thing to say Solomon." Then bitchy teacher says, "What did he say???" and when kind teacher told her she said "I've got tons of jobs you can do!" Ok. Now, when Solomon walked in, he ran over and knocked over someone’s tower that they were building (um MEAN!) and then I guess its a rule that your don't dump toys out on the floor, so he broke the rules. He needed correction. He is my child, I KNOW he needs correction, often! But the humiliating sarcasm??? Not only does most of that (thankfully) go over his head, but does she want him to talk to her like that??? I think not. So I come home, after sobbing the story to Will, who is even more upset than I am, and leave a message with kind teacher (bitchy teacher is the "assistant" so I thought I should talk to kind teacher and see what she told me to do.) I started off saying we are taking him out of school for numerous reasons. Then I told her I had an issue that I wanted to talk to her about. She says, "I think I know what you're talking about, but go ahead." So I tell her and she said, "Yes, that was a little harsh. I remember that happening. In our defense, I think sometimes we get a little too comfortable with the kids and speak to them like we would talk to our own kids." I wasn't so satisfied with our conversation. Clearly, she knew it was handled poorly, but because bitchy teacher is her friend, I guess that was that. So the next school day, I take Solomon and bitchy teacher hands me a letter. I think, oh ok, an apology. NOPE!!! She basically handed me a spanking on paper. It said things like "Some children need correction and discipline" and "We try to teach families how to raise their children" and "I pride myself on all the compliments I get from all the parents." HUH???? Discipline him!! Correct him!!! Put him in timeout if he needs it!!! Just DO NOT speak to him that way. So I call HER up and leave her a message and when we talk, she seriously tells me one hundred times how discipline is necessary...and I said I KNOW!!! but the TONE you took and the words you said were WRONG!!! It took like ten minutes for her to FINALLY say "Well I’m sorry if my tone sounded harsh. I didn't mean for it to." Uh thanks? I came away feeling SO good about taking him out of there. I think she didn't even remember what she said, and if she did, that is just how she talks (because I have heard her say mean things to other kids, just never my child). So I am happy that he will be home with us. For now, we are going to continue schooling him at home, and then see where we are at for next year.

Finally to close, we all know how hard I have been trying for almost a year now to kick the binkie habit (if you're judging me...I don't wanna hear it. I know he's three ok?!) Has has been sleeping with that thing all of his life and back in May when we tried kicking the habit and nap time started to fade out when I had a brand new baby, I couldn't do it. So, I am proud (and still a little sad) to annouce, the binkie has left the building. He did really well. Day 1 and 2 were so hard, but he is doing great now. I am so proud of how brave he was. He was so attached to them. I cannot even tell you how attached because you would think i was exaggerating. He was concerned if "they were ever coming back to him" and wondered if THEY would miss HIM. He told Will yesterday, "Even though I am still very sad about my binkies and still miss them a lot, now I can still feel happy." Very mature.

He is growing so fast. I am really still trying to work on being present and not put so many things, dishes, vaccuming, this damn computer, in fron tof spending time with him. He is such a pleasure to mother and I am so thankful that God gave him to me.

Feel Like Saving a Life????

2010-01-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

Well today is the PERFECT day for it. I am BEGGING you to place, go to THIS LINK and vote for the Invisible Children. Chase is doing a "community give back" contest and Invisible Children is SOOOOO close to winning ONE MILLION DOLLARS to rescue child soldiers and 100,000 THOUSAND DOLLARS for Haiti. PLEASE, it all ends at 9pm so post it on your Facebook, Twitter, Blog...I'm really begging...GO GO GO GO GO!!!!

Catching Up With Shiloh...

2010-01-21T14:48:00.000-08:00

Its been too long. I miss blogging. The teeth have been taking a toll on my family and my sanity.

Tooth #2 popped through today so I guess we will see if tonight is any better. I picked up some homeopathic, fast acting, sleep aid from the health food store...so...we will see how that works for the sleepless one. The thing is, she goes to sleep and can't stay asleep. She is waking up every 2-3 hours, nursing, and then (typically) going back to sleep with ease. I'm ~~convincing myself~~ hoping, that once the teeth are in, she can fall back into a longer healthier sleep pattern.

I do get so upset at night. She wakes up and I just get so angry at her. But in the morning, when I've come to, haha, I see this face, and I almost forget all about it...well, when Im not falling asleep haha.

She is doing so many fun things. She is babbling like crazy. She is standing ALL of the time. She attempted to climb the stairs, and by that I mean. she made it up one stair. She is finally drinking a little from a sippy cup.

She still doesn't eat a ton of food. She rarely finishs a whole "jar" (sometimes we make our own baby food) but she does try just about anything. Here is own home steamed/pureed organic butternut squash.

Shiloh LOVES the new kitchen that the Wansors gave her for Christmas. She plays with it all of the time. So does Solomon for that matter. In fact, I'd say he thinks its his.

She is also waving and attemping saying "hi" it is soooo cute. This video, however, is a little obnoxious. haha

All in all, Shiloh is such a sweet baby and I don't know what I would do with out her. Perhaps sleep a little more...but I can live with that.

Toofers

2010-01-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

Shiloh FINALLY got her first tooth. Monday morning I was fishing around in her mouth to see if any had appeared, but there was nothing there. By the evening, I stuck my finger in and her bottom right tooth had popped through!!! I squealed and Solomon happily joined in. So much fun...and yet, hell has also broken loose here...HATE TEETHING!

Shiloh (not that this is much different that the usual sleeping habits of Shiloh) is having a terrible time sleeping. I feel like it is never going to end. It is HORRIBLE. I do not know what to do. I'm trying to work on some sleep solutions right now, which invole some room rearranging and perhaps moving Solomon in with us to give Shiloh her own room, but we have to try some things first. Its not a happy place right now...our house consists of a whole lotta grump!!!

I stuck my finger in Shilohs mouth just a few minutes ago and it feel like another tooth is on the verge of popping out...Huray!!! (NOT)

And The WINNER Is............

2010-01-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

Comment #7 from Punkeldoodle.
I haven't used cloth diapers but am very interested in giving it a try with baby #3 who is due in April!!!!

Congrats!!!! You will LOVE cloth diapering!!!

Fuzzi Bunz Giveaway

2010-01-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

So...what am I giving away????

Lets start with a
FuzziBunz Diaper Tote Take 'Em With You. (in white)

If you are going to take them with you, you have GOT to have a
FuzziBunz Fleece Changing Pad (in aqua)

And why don't we end it off with
TWO FuzziBunz Burp Cloths.

So WHY am I giving these things away????

As most of you know, one of my FAVORITE things about being a mom is cloth diapering. It has become a passion of mine. I love it for MANY reasons.

-They are SO much more comfortable for your little baby's bum!!

-They are SO cute, and I, being a major color coodinator, LOVE to match them with my kids outfits.

-They are great for the environment. You don't throw (at least) 10 wads of non-biodegradable junk in the trash EVERYDAY. Which means you ANRE'T leaving behind about 2.7 tons (per child) of non-biodegradable waste for your children and grandchildren.

-For me, I have saved a lot of money...and I mean A LOT!!! Not only do I not have to buy diapers and wipes anymore, but Im not making all of those trip to the store where you end up spending a TON of money on stuff that you probably wouldn't have bought if you didn't come in the first place. Buying disposables alone can cost around $2000 per child. But cloth diapers??? $300 max...and you can use them for ALL of your kids.

-Cloth diapers are gel free. You know, when your baby pees and their diaper swells to 3 times the size? Well that is sweeling is due to a material called polyacrylate gel. No one really know what the long term effects of this gel are. They are suspected of exacerbating and even causing asthma. And those dog-on things leach moisture out of your babies skin.

-No more diaper rashes. My kids skin is very sensitive to disposable diapers. Solomons little skin went through a major detox when I switched him over to cloth diapers. Whenever he wears a disposable (to sleep) he gets a rash. Shiloh has never had one, and we have been cloth diapering her from the beginning. So there is an additional savings...no more diaper cream!!! (which can ruin your fuzzi bunz anyway!)

-They also say it is easier to potty train and it happens sooner. We started to cloth diaper Solomon at 1 and he was potty trained at 2. So, while each child is different, this can also be a definate positive.

-Plus, its more fun being out of the norm :)

How do you enter
TO WIN ALL OF THIS???

For ONE GIVEAWAY ENTRY-

Leave a comment below, telling me what your favorite thing about cloth diapering is, OR if you do not cloth dipaer, you can ask a question that you have always had about cloth diapering.

For an ADDITIONAL entry-
Post this giveaway on your facebook and leave ANOTHER comment below saying "I facebooked/Tweeted about this."

For another ADDITIONAL entry-
Become a "follower" (on the top right side) of this blog and leave a comment below saying "I am now following."

For another ADDITIONAL entry-
Post about this giveaway on YOUR BLOG and leave another comment below saying "I blogged about this here (leave the link)"

That is up to FOUR chances!

THE WINNER will be announced on Sunday, Januray 17th.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Year In Review

2010-01-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

JANUARY

We moved from Southern California, to the icy tundra, that is the North East.

Solomon desperately misses his family as you can see.

But at least Auntie April came to spend 2 weeks with us. It was SO hard for us to say goodbye.

Solomon got to really play in the snow for the first time.

FEBRUARY

Will goes away on his first business trip and Solomon and I barely survive with out him.

I turn 27 and get roses and the sweetest card :)

MARCH

Auntie April comes to visit with her boyfriend. We missed her SO SO SO much!

Will has his frist health screen and gets some of his best patients!

Solomon meets our neighbor and LOVES her.

The boys garden.

Solomon and Jillian start to get along :)

APRIL

Solomon get the stomach flu!

Solomon recovers from the stomach flu with a little therapeutic (Andy Warhol-esque) painting.

We go to the zoo.

I (accidentally) get pink then brown hair.

We decorate easter eggs with Candice and Jillian.

We prepare for our new baby.

MAY
Shiloh Selah Love joins our world, and what a lovely world it is.
My dad comes to visit.
And Solomon becomes a big brother...

June

Solomon turns THREE.
My sister, mom and aunt came to visit.
Solomon plays Soccer.
My baby gets his hair cut.

JULY
Shiloh smiles for the world to see.
Solomon flushed a pair of underwear down the toilet while I was confined to nursing.
Sweet Tina came to visit us.
I get my new, amazing stroller.
We do the Zoo with TWO.

AUGUST
Lots of Summer fun and a package from California Gramma.

SEPTEMBER
BEST (Amish) Weekend EVER!!!!
Solomons first(and hopefully ONLY) trip to jail.
Solomon starts preschool.
FINALLY start a REAL LIFE friendship with Amie.
Jen comes to see us and take amazing photos, as usual.

OCTOBER
Trip to CALIFORNIA.
Solomon and Boston become life long friends.
Shiloh starts to eat food.
Halloween!!

NOVEMBER
My kids get WAY too big for their own good.
We finally have to give up our California license plate.

DECEMBER
We got a new car (Thank you GOD!)
Solomon got royally freaked out by Santa.
We got LOTS of Christmas packages from California.
"Little Buddy" and "Little Love" (the kids new dolls) became apart of the family.
We got a lot of snow.
We feel deeper in love, with eachother, with our kids.
And we ended the year being more than thankful for the life God has blessed us with.

Making Money Off Of Breastmilk???

2010-01-08T05:37:00.000-08:00

Not the way you would think either. youtube just contacted me saying my video was becoming popular and they wanted to start paying me for it hahahaha. Thanks April!

The Day of T's

2010-01-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

So its THURDAY. One the way to peschool we got a flat TIRE in the snow which is a ton of fun. Thankfully we were RIGHT by a TIRE place, so it was fixed in no time. We even still made it to school. Then, let me back up a little. A year and 5 months ago, I stubbed my TOE at our old house, on our brick fireplace. I thought it was going to be the death of me. Well, over six months had passed and that toenail hadn't grown at all. I started getting freaked out. What had happened was the toenail broke off at the nail bed and a new nail started growning underneath the broken one. Eventually they adhered to eachother and the old started to show itself. We it is almsot completely grown out now but its deformed shaped gave me a HORRIBLE ingrown TOENAIL!!! (i know, its disgusting, I cannot believe Im even saying this). I was hysterically crying last night because the pain was unbarable. Will had to get me upstairs. I couldn't even cover it with a blanket to sleep because it intensified the pain. I'm telling you, nautral childbirth had nothing on this pain!!! So i broke down and went to the TOE doctor today. He cut out about a third of my nail, all the way down to the nail bed and said (cover your eyes if you get squeemish) there was a big absess that he drained. (BLECK!!!!) Thank God I was completely numb. There is A LOT of bleeding. I keep having to add more to the dressing because of all the blood. Nice huh? So I'm hoping we had enough fun with anything involving the letter T today.

Also, there is supposed to be some HUG blizzard hitting us soon...lovely. We have had six straight days of snow...looking forward to more!

Like A Solid Rock I...

2010-01-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

...STAND

I saw her "stand" up in her crib about a week ago, but I thought that didn't really count because, I mean, after all, its about THE easiest place to stand up in. But last night, she did THIS!!! How did this happen people?? She is EIGHT MONTHS OLD!!!!! wow.

As most of you know, Shiloh was a perfect, freakishly angelic baby. Her second night at home I had to wake her up after 6 hours to nurse her. By two weeks old she was sleeping through the night and would sometimes even sleep in until 10am!!! She NEVER EVER EVER cried. Even when she was hungry, she'd just grunt a bit.

UNTIL...dun dun dun...

Five month birthday rolled around and she started waking up, two to three times a night!!! COME ON!!! That is a cruel joke! I feel like if I had been doing it all along, it wouldn't have been so bad but I thought I was out of the woods, and NO!

So, I started noticing that I could not have ANY caffeine, even decaf, because she is SO sensitive to it. Which is just wrong, since she is robbing me of so much sleep. Once I figured that out, she started, at least, going right back to sleep instead of staying awake for TWO HOURS!

Well...idiot admission is to follow.

I found these awesome stevia sweetened sodas. I grabbed the root beer flavor off the shelf d check it out. 0 calories, no caffeine, no sugar...AWESOME! So I try the root beer, love it. Go back for more flavors. COLA flavor!!! HEAVEN!!! I haven't drank soda in like 5 years but Shilohs pregnancy got me CRAVING Pepsi ALL of the time. And since it makes my insides rot, I try to avoid it :). So for the last month I have been having these Zevia Cola's. LOVE them. I don't have them everyday but about every other day or so, when we have them at home.

Shilohs sleep gets worse. I'm getting like 4 maybe 5 hours of sleep. I’m losing my mind. You know how sleeplessness makes you this super insane angry person? That was me. For WEEKS!

Last weekend we were with our lovely friends Candice and Patrick. I bring the sodas to share. Patrick takes one and he is checking out the ingredients. (here’s the kicker, be prepared)

"Wow...45 mgs of caffeine!" he says.

"WHAT??? They are caffeine free!!!"

I take the can in disbelief...OH.MY.GOSH!!! This is not even funny. That is MORE than a regular pepsi.

CRAP!!!!!!!!!

So stupid me, didn't (but I still swear I did!) check the Cola flavor and have been shooting my poor sweet and apparently tired child up with caffeine. Clearly I’m don’t with those. The night before last, she gave me perfect 4 hours stretches, and went right back to sleep. And last night...wait for it...

SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS STRAIGHT!!! Nursed, back to sleep, slept until EIGHT THIRTY!!! (which is like sleeping the day away from my kids who are up between 5-6 everyday.

Heaven, sleep is heavenly. I am soooo excited. I cannot believe I did this to her and myself, but here's to hoping to find sleep again :)

3's are WAY worse!!!

2010-01-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

There is SO much truth to the whole "3's are WAY worse than the 2's." I am basically going insane with Solomon. He is just in this phase where I think I might let someone "borrow" him for a bit ;) I really do not know how to maintain my composure with him most days. The back talk, oh the back talk, how do I deal with this? Do I seriously just make him sit in time out all day? That is EXHAUSTING! I'd almost rather our conversations go like the below example than sit him in timeout every time he opens his mouth.

Me- "Solomon, please sit down at the table."

Solomon- "YOU sit down at the table!!!"

Also, listening? I'm pretty sure that is extinct! He is on his own timeline. NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING, is done/said/heard when I speak. Do you every just want to hold thier sholders and YELL YOUR BRAINS OUT so that the child finally HEARS you??? PLEASE CHILD!!! LISTEN!! What do I do??? I'm begging for help!

Still totally on the fence about home schooling. I think we are going to have him finish out his year in his little 2 day a week, 2.5 hrs a day preschool and make our decesion about next year. It's a little hard to make the decision when he and I are having trouble finding the same way length at the moment.

We made this together because, um, its been snowing for like 3 days!!! SOOOO much fun!!!

The little snow ~~devil~~ ANGEL and I went out and had a BLAST playing in it. He was crawling around like an animal and we laid in it and made snow angels and had snowball fights until our cheeks were too frozen to do it anymore. It was SO much fun.

Weirdly enough though, the second we got back into the house, he was the ear-less-back-talk-king once more. So...I was think, along with this "phase" perhaps, he is getting some cabin fever??? We are sorta stuck inside what with the sub-zero-conditions outside and all. Even taking him to playdates isn't a great solution because he still does not listen to me and runs around like a mad beast! Maybe I just need, suck it up, brave the frigid elements, and get him OUTSIDE more. It's worth a try (more than you know).

I'm seeking advise...leave some!!!

FREE 8x10 PHOTO CANVAS!

2010-01-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

I found a GREAT offer that I think is pretty amazing.

Click here to get your FREE 8x10 PHOTO CANVAS!!!

I just ordered mine with this photo of Shiloh

And this one of Solomon and Will

Its 14.95 for shipping, but other than that, FREE!!!

GIVEAWAY

2010-01-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

Beautiful and fabulous giveaway HERE!!!!

3 BIG Signs...

2010-01-04T07:19:00.000-08:00

...that I spend WAY too much time online!! I'm working on it...less time with the computer on is a HUGE goal for me this year.

"Mommy...can I lay ON the computer desk...next to you?" (ouch!! what a jerk-mother I am!)

Movers, Shakers and Schoolers.

2009-12-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

Sweet Bunny Love is up and crawling and moving and pushing herself into the sitting position all alone now. I cannot believe it. How did she get so big? Almost 8 months. And oh how I love her. She is basically obsessed with me. I cannot put her down without some serious scream-fests. I have decided to accept it. I got my hip sling out and the girl is content to sit there until the end of time. It is lovely that she loves me so much, which is something that my little Solomon never could sit still for. He wanted down and around to explore the world. When Will walks in the door, she wants him, and wants him bad. I love it. She goes nuts and freaks out and gets her fill of cuddles from him and then comes back to me. She loves a good nurse. She takes her socks off to hold her feet when she nurses, ahhh...LOVE it! She is still waking up like THREE times a night. I am very very tired. Both kids get up at 5-6am and it is REALLY taking a toll on us. We have tried moving bed time later, earlier, with holding naps, nothing makes it any later. So 7pm bedtime it is. Its ok. It is just a season...right???

Now moving on from my mover...to the...shaker (of sorts)

Solomon is really getting irritated at Shiloh. He lets her play with NOTHING. She is, in his opinion, not allowed to touch ANYTHING! How do people with more than one dealwith this. I tell him he can gently take things from her and sweetly say, "Thats brothers/Solomons baby girl...thank you." But he panics when he sees her touch or try to play with anything. He tries to trade her for things to, but with crap, like apiece of fuzz haha. Im not sure the best way to go about this.

We are also thinking of taking him out of his 2 day a week preschool A) to save $70 a month and B) because I am sorta thinking about home schooling him. Its a BIG issue for me. I was home schooled for a majority of my school years, and I HATED it. I especially hated being put in and out of middle/high school after never going to school before. I have been trying to do "school time" with Solomon everyday that he doesn't go to school. its just a 15-20 minute time that we either do a worksheet or paint or do something. BUT, its becoming a bit of a struggle. Today we had this big battle because he wouldn't finish his (very small) worksheet. I just wanted him to finish so he doesn't get in the habit of deciding when we do and dont do school, if I am indeed home schooling him. But he yelled and cried and I was SOOOO frustrated that I am seriously recanting the thought. Do I need ANOTHER thing that I have to regulate with him? Another thing to (possibly) fight about? I'm just SO worried about making the wrong schooling choice. I am displeased with my childhood education and I REALLY want to offer him the BEST so that IF he wants to utilize it, he can. And I don't know that home schooling is going to do anything other than maybe put a wrench in our relationship. Thoughts???

Lots is going on...some things are starting to brew...I will keep you posted.

Get Naked

2009-12-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

or...well...get A Naked Juice rebate :)

We love Naked Juice. Sometimes, it is the only source of friut and veggies that Solomon will eat, or, drink rather. Our favorite is Green Machine. I contains, 2 3/4 apples, 1/2 of a banana, 1/3 of a mango, 1/3 of a kiwi, a hint of pineapple,and then super good stuff: Spirulina, Chlorella, broccoli, spinach, blue green algae, garlic, barley grass, wheat greass, parsley, and giner. The best part, it tastes great. And Im not just saying that...my 3 year old says it.

So...if you've never tried it, nowis a great time!!! This is a GREAT coupn from The Mommy Trade that gives you a $10 rebate. Hope you can use it.

Help For Those In Need

2009-12-27T07:14:00.000-08:00

In these hard times, I cannot imagine how this family is feeling. If you can offer anything to them, even a few dollars...please.

On Pirates And Poop

2009-12-26T07:14:00.001-08:00

So This Is Christmas...

2009-12-26T06:51:00.000-08:00

This Christmas, I was a little worried. I miss my family. Will and I have had a pretty rough year, lots of change, way less (emotional) support than I think we were expecting. Some times we feel a little "dumped" into the middle of all of this and are just trying to tread water. But overall, I think it has been good for us. It has taught us to really rely on one another, and know that we HAVE to count on eachother and catch the other when we are in need.

Overall, Christmas Eve and Christmas day went great. We were blessed with mostly wonderful things ;). It was so nice to spend Christmas as a family of 4. And even though there wasn't a lot of "gift opening" our house was happy and joyful. It was so much fun. Shiloh got a hug and some binkies for Christmas and Solomon got an awesome train table that we got months ago for 50% off. (score to Candice and I for our excellent coupon skills) and a little fishing game. We thought he was going to FREAK out over the train table, because I day hardly passes where he isn't asking to go to Barnes and Noble to play with the train table there. His reaction was priceless!!! (unfortunately I do not have any of that footage on the computer but I have some other stuff...like the digital camera he got from my dad).

We went over to my mother in laws family's house for a bit and got to see lots of family that we never see. Then we went to Candice and Patricks and had a really great dinner and exchanged gifts. It was a nice time...

I just wanted to share 2 of the most influencial things for me this christmas...well, things that were (re)brought to my attention that really touched me.

Of course, the classic...which makes me cry

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good on
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas

And what have we done

Another year over

A new one just begun

And so happy Christmas

We hope you have fun

The near and the dear one

The old and the young

A very Merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let's hope it's a good one

Without any fear

War is over, if you want it

War is over now

and...I will leave you with this...(thanks to Jenny)

Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
--Oren Arnold

New Blog - New Address

2009-12-24T07:40:00.001-08:00

So do you like the new look? I want input...so please, let me know what you think and what I should change. Seriously. Also, does anyone know if there are any problems with changing my url??? bc will keeps making fun of it -tendernessac- which is tenderness with my initials ac after it, but he says it looks like tenderness-sac- and yeah...I get that. So I was thinking of putting a hyphen between the s and the a...will that do anything to screw up my blog or will it just transfer it to the new address...please...help!

The Loves of My Life...

2009-12-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

Playing with the kids is becoming more and more fun. Shiloh is getting SOOOO silly. She loves to play and sit and pester Solomon relentlessly. She tries to destroy his train tracks, eat his pirates, and bonk his cars on his head. He is rarely amused. He has taken to hoarding HUGE piles of toys ont he couch, in order to stay out of her reach. I love it. Its hilarious and frusrating all at once haha.

Solomon has really started loving me. I mean, he always loves me, but since Will has started his LONG 12 hour days at work, he seems to be loving on me a lot more. I like it, lots! He always wants to play with me. "School" is a new favorite. And, no, not preschool. Him and I have been doing lots of fun print off from starfall.com. Thanks to Amie for recommending that!!! That website is awesome. He gets on the ABC section and goes to town. He has started sounding out words, which is just amazing to me. He is such a smart boy.

Solomons newest passion. Taking photos. I kid you not, he takes about 100 or more a day. Some of them are so sweet. Others, like a nice full size shot of my butt in sweat pants, not so much. He doesn't know it yet, but my dad go him a camera for Christmas, and he is going to go bananas.

Shiloh, along with torturing her brother, is just the most lovely little thing. She is the most cuddly little muffin. Ok, so yes,it gets quite annoying because I find myself doing dishes, baking, vacuuming, peeing, all while having to hold her, but when she cries, it isn't this whiney "im a brat" kinda cry. No, she is truly offended that someone would even consider putting her down. Sweet girl. Have I talked about how when Will walks in the door she seriously goes nuts. Hysterics in .2 seconds if he does not race over and take her from me. Truly, hurt feelings. Its precious. Solomon was adelighted to see us whenever we would walk into a room, but not like this. Love oozes from her little bunny pores, and we know, she cannot live without us.

Will, (pictured below in jammies and smothered in Shilohs love, is loving the new job. The hour drive still sucks, but its only 3 days a week. He leaves at 7:30 am and usually rolls in at about 7:30 pm. So it is a long day. But the office is beautiful and the patients are decent too :). He is still seeing his current pateints at the greensburg office on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but overall, if everything goes as planned this is the best place for us right now.

Get a load of that fridge!!! Covered in preschool art. I have to clean it of almost every week because he comes home with the most adorable things that all must be displayed. Any thoughts on what I should do to store/save them??? I can't bare to part with it just yet.

Well its Christmas Eve and we are off to the inlaws to open gifts. Its always scary opening gifts for me. Its like my least favorite thing to do ever...but it will be fun...
Merry Christmas!!

Snowy Car

2009-12-24T07:10:00.000-08:00

So this is from the big snow from last week. Being from California, it is hilarious watching this. hahaha. But it was a beautiful day...sun shining, snow sparkling.

Waving My Freak Flag

2009-12-20T17:05:00.001-08:00

I've been having a tough time in the friend/people/social category lately. I always feel like a freak. Like I'm trying to sensor some part of me no matter who I am with, either because I don't want to be talked about when I'm gone, don't want to offend anyone else, don't want to be made fun of (to my face) or don't want to have "that conversation". I'm sure there are other reasons too...but why? Why do I find it so hard to just be me?

My freak flags
-I love Africa.
-I have a passion for saving the poor and orphaned.
-I try so hard (and hate myself when I fail) to love "the least of these"
-I don't fit in to any political party.
-I think that a socialist mindset would change the world for the good.
- I think America purposefully started most of the wars we have been in because of greed...we set a very bad example, and should not claim to be the super power of the world b/c its embarrassing.
-I do not believe we've been to the moon.
-I think all citizens of this country, deserve equal rights!!
-I don't think that all homeless people (or people using government assistance) are lazy and deserve to be where there are. I love giving them a little something and praying that God changes their situation.
-I think war is not what God wants for this world and I think it saddens Him.
-I think that every word of the Bible is important and valid...not just Paul's words or the New Testament.
-I think it is enriching to celebrate the holidays of the Bible, the ones Jesus celebrated.
-I think Jesus did not come to create a religion.
-I think that if He (Jesus) were to come to this earth now, modern day Christianity would crucify him all over again, because His message seems to be so offensive to so many of them.
-I value all lives, not just the unborn American ones.
-I think vaccines are toxic and harmful for my children.
-I do not trust the medical community 90% of the time.
-I do not take my kids to the doctor for sick visits, in fact they have only ever been to get weighed and measured. They have never had ear infections or been on antibiotics and I'm sure they would have if I would take them.
-I think our diets are a massive reason for why sickness is consuming our country.
-I believe in holistic medicine and homeopathy.
-I want to save the earth in every way I can.
-I LOVE being green.
-I wish I were Amish.
-I believe in Attachment Parenting and giving my children a voice in our family.
-I believe that difference and diversity are what make this world an incredible place.
-I do not like it when people who do not embrace difference.
-I hate being judged for being different and try to never do that to other people.
-I wanted to have a home birth, and that does not make me crazy.
-I think that giving birth naturally was the most awesome incredible high that I have ever had.
-I think the general public makes to many decisions based on fear and it is destroying our nation.
-I think that our words and thoughts can REALLY effect our lives.
-I've always wanted to be a surgeon.
-I want to start an orphanage for AIDS babies.

-I want to be loved for me, not judged because my views might differ from yours...
-I want to be sure of myself and not have to sensor who I am in order NOT to offend you.
-I want a friend who accepts me and all my weirdness and truely gets me...

SO...today, I am starting something new. I am going to do my best to be me, to everyone, wave my freak flag and offend if I must...but I am not going to be ashamed of who I am and what I believe in...its to exhausting.

I'm Dreaming Of A...

2009-12-19T07:38:00.001-08:00

I've never been more excited and equally sad about a Chisrtmas...its going to be a great one...even if it will be so different...

Christmas From California

2009-12-18T16:31:00.001-08:00

My mom sent us a package full of gifts for the kids and cookies for Will and I. Yum!!!

Enjoying his gifts and cookies

(Solomon is in a pull-up bc it was bedtime fyi)

Dad and Cheryl also got him a ton of stuff but I didnt get any good videos of it :( He LOVED everything, of course!

Merry Christmas California family...we love you so much.

Feelin' Lucky!!!

2009-12-18T11:08:00.000-08:00

GREAT give away here and here

Merry Christmas From My Preschooler.

2009-12-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

Be still my heart...ahhh. Today was Solomons Christmas party at school. In walks Santa and he sprints to the back of the rooma nd tears up, clearly terrified. haha. He begged to not have to go up and see him, and I said, of course, he did not have to. He did end up seeing that Santa was passing out gifts, so he decided to stand near him...and check out that sweet phoney smile!! Love it!

Solomon and Boston
Not so sure about this whole Santa business.

"Um I want a present" was what he said when his teacher said to ask for something for Christmas haha.

Driver and Boston

Sitting for story time

Story time

I LOVE that he loves playing with the girls!!! hehe

Stoked about his gift exchange

Snack

So 2 songs after this one, Solomon burst into tears and said "I really just wanna go sit with my mommy!!!" OMG...and that is what he did. What an awesome day!!! Love my sweet baby!!

Needing Sleep...and other things...

2009-12-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

Shiloh has some sort of a cold/teething thing going on right now. Seriously, I really wanted to just run away and never come back last night. She was up until 1 am. Part of that was TOTALLY my fault because she is REALLY sensitive to caffiene and since she got me up at 5am, I had a cup of coffee. It was really sad/horribly annoying because she would NOT GO TO SLEEP. I got 5 hours of sleep after getting 5 hours the ngiht before...and now, well Im sort of an emotional zombie.

Im having a hard time being away from my family and friends right now. Christmas is lots of fun at home. My mom makes the best food. My sister cracks me up for days on end. We got to my Aunt and Uncles house and hanging out with all the greatest people. Here...well, we do a whole lot of impersonal "visiting" and have my kids annoy everyone...because no one really seems to enjoy giving themt he time of day. Its just not the same. We do not have the support system, emotionally, that we had in CA. Its hard bc, there was SO much to complain about living with my mom, but not that Im across the country, I kinda miss being there haha...ok...I dont miss being in her house, but it would be so nice to at least be a drive away. There is just this comfortablness that Will and I have with my family that neither of us have with his family. I love them...but they just have their own lives and don't really seem very interested in ours...which is fine...thats just the way it is. I wish they wanted to spend more time with us. Gosh...my kids deserve it. They are amazing...but no one ever asks to spend any time with them so that leaves my kids with a ghuge void. My family spent basically every waking moment with Solomon. He misses that. A lot.

The kids and I went to Trader Joes today. Its a 40 minute drive and it was 25 degrees...so it was interesting to say the least. Both of the kids took a snooze in the car so I think Im skipping trying to get Solomon to take an addition nap. I think it will just end up frustrating me. So...instead we are going to make peanut butter cookies...heres to some no-sleep fun!

My Love

2009-12-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Sleep In My Arms...

2009-12-14T11:49:00.001-08:00

Having a 3 yr old, its hard for me to remember what having a baby fall asleep in your arms feels like...

Shiloh likes to sleep in her bed. She was a little fussy just now, so I held her while I was lurking on facebook...and she started dozing in my arms. I was going to take her up to bed, but I just couldn't. Her sweet little head resting on my sholder, it smells so good. I just love her. I love how heavy she gets as she is dozing. She just melts right into me. She is so lovely. I went upstairs, finally, and just rocked her little sleeping body. Its going to be gone so quickly...I never ever want to forget it...

Love Bunny

2009-12-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

She is SO over me haha...look at that face.

Daddy and his sweet babies
She loves her magazies...Im not kidding, DO NOT try taking it away.

hahaha...she crack me up

A girl who loves her veggies

Shiloh...oh Shiloh. 7 months old came quickly. How can this be happening. My babies are not babies any more. Getting SO big. She eats...and seriously...she EATS! She loves veggies, tolerates fruit but gets the shivers everytime she swallows. Solomon never ate baby food. He hated it. I would try, he would gag it up. He didnt eat a thing until he was over a year, just nursed his way through life...and he still hardly eats. It is SO nice for me tohave a baby who eats!!! I love feeding her. She sits, almost always unassisted. She is almost able to get herself to the sitting position, but not quite yet. She army crawls ALL OVER...you set her down and she is across the room attacking the christmas tree in 2 seconds. She plays peek-a-boo. OMG I LOVE it.

She isn't the best sleeper grrr... at 5 months old she stopped sleeping through the night and started waking up NON STOP for nurses. Seriously...such a creul joke. She is getting better now that the food routine is ironed out. She is such a sweet little baby. Shy and leary. So sensitive. So sweet. Oh how this girl loves her daddy. He walks in the door and she FREAKS, and I mean FREAKS out!!! Screams her head off, big giant tears...until he walks over, picks her up...then...she is perfectly content. Shes amazing. I love her. I love nursing her. I love they way her head smells. I love the way she react when I walk in the door from being gone. She is all though I could have dreamed of in a baby girl...my little bunny, Shiloh Love...

My Solomon.

2009-12-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

The Grump I love so dearly

The boy who loves his sister (and occasionally asks me to shove her back in my stomach)
Solomon with his new treasured "Little Buddy"

This is "Little Buddy...or little Sollie"

One of the greatest things I have come across in a LONG time. On the toilet, in Wills hat, sneaking a Binkie...he is a major addict...what can I say?

Oh my Solomon. Now a solid 3 1/2. Where does the time go? He is obsessed with bad words and attitude. Stupid. Youre a boob. Get real. Randomly saying "hate" and "kill" which is the worst one for me :( He is a persuader..."Wait wait wait Mommy...just let me tell you MY plan..." hahaha. Everywhere we go, people love him. He talks to you like no one else exists. He loves and hates with all his heart. Everything to the extreme (sorry baby, thats all me). We were driving the other night and he says, "Look at those BEAUTIFUL lights mommy. What a wonderful town we live in." The house was ordinary, and plainly decorated for Christmas. He is just such a jewel. He loves Shiloh. He calls her his baby. And when she cries he says, "I DO NOT LIKE MY BABY ANY MORE!!!!!" haha... He still loves trains, construction vehicles and cars. He is writing his alphabet. He loves school and comes home with the BEST crafts and things. I have no idea what to do with them all. He is SO musically talented. I just adore him. He still loves his daddy more than anything. He still cries for him when he wakes up from his nap. He still likes me best when he is sick. He is still the greatest little boy that I could ever have imagined God giving me.

After he is asleep every night, before I go to sleep, I crawl into bed with him and cuddle him and kiss him. I always whisper "I love you" in his ear...and he almost always whispers it back.

Counting My New Blessing

2009-12-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

I am soooo thankful...we finally got a second car. 2010 Toyota Rav4 with the 2 extra seats in the back that completely fold down for a HUGE truck space, or fold open for 7 seats. Hurray!!!

Fall Fun Times

2009-11-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

Solomons preschool Halloween party.

Solomon=Buzz Lightyear, Shiloh=Green Alien from Toy Story.

Jillian= Jessie and GAbe= Woody

Pumpkin Patch

Nature Reserve

Police Station with Amie, Boston and Driver

Just a sidenote: Solomon was terrified that I was going to leave him in jail! :(

California

2009-11-18T11:58:00.001-08:00

Finally. We got to go home. It was a great time. Great family. Great friends. So sad to go.

We got to visit Sara, Aprils "girls" who she nannys for, Disneyland, the Long Beach Fire Station, Build-a-Bear...and all the resturants that we desprately missed...we hit Open Sesame THREE TIMES!!!

I wanna go home...

Road Trip.

2009-11-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

September 12, I decide I need to get out. We need to get out.

"Will...I wanna go somewhere!!!!" I beg.

"ok...lets go!"

I pack a bag, with enough clothes for all of us for 2 nights, race through the house cleaning and within an hour, we are on the road. Where are we going??? Who knows!!! We just headed east. We had a Tour Pennsylvania Magazine and we were set.

It wouldn't be a trip without starbucks soy milk for Solomon and boob milk for Shiloh haha.

It took us about 4 hours to arrive to Lancaster. We wanted to go to the massive corn maze but by the time we arrived, it had been rained out. It was a-ok though. We got a hotel and grabbed dinner at Panera. Will and Solomon wanted to swim in our hotel pool but we forgot swimming stuff. We stopped in at walmart and found some swim short for both of them on clearance for lik $1!!! Sweet! The boys went swimming and I nursed Shiloh and put her to bed. She was really over tired so she put up a fight...until finally, daddy came to the resuce with his magic touch and she was out.

The next morning we were "ready for our adventure!!!!" as Solomon kept saying. We had a plan. First of all, Lancaster is MAJOR Amish country. For those of you who know me, oh. my. gosh. I want to be Amish!!! So I was excited. We were going to take Solomon to a Train Museum and then take an Amish buggy ride. We were reallybummed because we were told that Thomas the Train (like a full size live Thomas that you can take a ride on) was going to be visiting the follow weekend...so imagine our surprise when, out o nowhere, on our way to the museum, there is the BIG HUGE BLUE TRAIN puffing smoke out!!! I squealed and freaked because I was SO excited. We parked and took a bus back to the train station and $54 later we got to ride Thomas down the Satlzburg Railway!!! AHHH!!!! So fun!!

The Thomas adventure came to an end and that meant it was time for Will and I to go Amish stalking woohoo!!! it was so much fun. I was FREAKING out!!!!!

It was one of the greatest weekends ever. We had more fun than we had ever imagined. It was an unbelievable blast. Solomon is constantly asking if we can go on another "adventure" and I sure hope we can. It ignited something in Will and I that we had been missing...its so wonderful having your very own family...to love, live with...forever...

for the record: I have been working on this post since 10/12!!! geeze!

PRAY FOR STELLAN!!!!

2009-10-28T08:10:00.001-07:00

Please...PRAY FOR STELLAN!!! He needs your help more than ever!!!

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Induced Labor Rules Tighened..Its About Time!!

2009-10-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Preemie worry: Induced labor rules tightened
October 26th, 2009 @ 12:45pm

By LAURAN NEERGAARD
AP Medical Writer

WASHINGTON (AP) - Hoping to schedule your baby's birth while your mother's in town, or before the doctor goes on vacation? Labor is becoming less of a late-night surprise, but some hospitals are starting to tighten the rules for elective deliveries _ because some babies are being delivered too early.

More hospitals are expected to crack down as regulators begin new quality measurements next spring that aim to reduce too-early elective inductions and first-time cesareans.

Induced labor is on the rise for lots of reasons, some medical and some not. But recent research shows a troubling link between elective inductions and these so-called "late preemies." These aren't the dire too-small babies that the word premature conjures, but near-term babies who nonetheless are at higher risk of breathing disorders and other problems than babies who finish their very last weeks in the womb.

"It was an 'aha' moment for me," recalls Dr. Bryan Oshiro of his visit to a Utah intensive care nursery several years ago, where neonatologists pointed to babies there simply because they'd been induced too soon.

National guidelines from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have long discouraged elective deliveries before the 39th week of pregnancy. But some hospitals that took a close look were surprised. At Utah's Intermountain Healthcare, for example, 28 percent of elective deliveries were breaking ACOG's rule in 2001, Oshiro told a March of Dimes meeting on preventable prematurity this month.

Most were being induced in week 37, such a small difference that local obstetricians argued it wasn't a problem. So Oshiro pulled the medical charts and found those near-term babies had more than double the risk of ending up in neonatal ICU, suffering respiratory distress, even needing a ventilator.

It took several years of policing: Inductions now are allowed only after meeting a checklist of requirements. But today, only about 3 percent of Intermountain's elective deliveries occur before 39 weeks _ and infant hospitalizations have dropped, saving money, too, says Oshiro, now a maternal-fetal medicine specialist at Loma Linda University in California. He's about to pilot a similar program at hospitals in that area.

"If there's no need to intervene, please don't intervene," is Oshiro's message.

Labor is induced in more than one in five births, double the rate in 1990, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Many cases are for clear health reasons, such as a problem with the fetus or a sick mom or a pregnancy that has dragged well beyond the woman's due date.

There's little data on how many are elective. But a Hospital Corporation of America study of nearly 18,000 births at 27 of its hospitals around the country suggests 10 percent of all births are performed electively before the 39-week mark. (That date is considered the point at which doctors can be sure a pregnancy has reached full-term, typically defined as 40 weeks give or take about a week.)

There are many reasons to perform an elective induction, such as if mom lives two hours from a hospital, notes Dr. John Fisch of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center's Magee-Women's Hospital.

Patient and doctor preference helped drive the rise in inductions, such as women timing grandma's arrival to take care of the siblings, or minimizing 3 a.m. deliveries. Then there's defensive medicine, where doctors worried about litigation induce for minor reasons like a slight uptick of the mother's blood pressure.

So Pittsburgh also had "a little bit of a hard sell" after discovering nearly 12 percent of elective deliveries broke the 39-week rule in 2004, Fisch says. "It was perceived to be a safe and effective way in delivering a baby _ and it is, as long as it meets certain criteria."

After Magee began strict enforcement _ requiring that a mother's cervix be nearly ready for natural labor, and limiting the beds available for elective inductions _ too-early inductions dropped to 4 percent by 2007 and are "effectively zero" today, Fisch says. Overall, elective inductions dropped 30 percent.

More hospitals are expected to start enforcing those criteria this spring, when the Joint Commission that regulates health quality will require hospitals to report all elective deliveries and the gestational age to its public database, providing peer pressure for improvement. Hospitals also will have to report cesareans for first-time mothers, too often a result of a failed induction.

"That's not a good outcome for the baby or the mom," says Joint Commission President Dr. Mark Chassin. "We believe this will be a very important driver of improvement in perinatal care."

___

EDITOR'S NOTE _ Lauran Neergaard covers health and medical issues for The Associated Press in Washington.

(Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.)

SAVE THEM!!!!

2009-10-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

I signed the Citizen's Arrest Warrant petition for Joseph Kony. Help Rescue the Child Soldiers in northern Uganda. http://www.wewantobama.com

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO SIGN THIS PETITION!!! LETS RESCUE THESE CHILDREN!!!

JenBeasley.com Has Done It Again...

2009-09-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

My Heart Is Overcome...

2009-09-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

To start the morning off, I lost so much sleep thinking of little Daisy and the whole Merrick family. If you watched even a fraction of the video in my last post, you will know their situation is every parents worst nightmare.

Then...Will was in the bathroom. I heard him gasp. He got a text. His aunt had just died. She had breast cancer. They thought they removed it all. She was just told about a week ago that it had spread to her bones and her whole body. She is gone.

I also got an email from a friend who is having a hard time...my heart is broken for her looming uncertainty and I just love her so much. I wish I were closer to her so I could spend time with her and be there in ways that I cannot from so far away.

I am asking, begging for your prayers. In times like these we must run to the One, the only One, who is mighty to save. I am trying, in my heart, to continue trusting Him. To be able to tell Him that no matter what, I will trust Him...but it is so hard. The pain and sadness in this world sometimes causes me to have a hard time even taking a single breath...

Savior, You can move the mountian, I know you are mighty to save...Please be near us all...

Praying For Daisy Love Merrick

2009-09-27T18:21:00.000-07:00